Impossibility.

Here I am again, wishing I wasn't here and wondering if I'll have the courage to do something about it, or if I'll spend another chunk of my life waiting for the right moment...waiting for change...waiting for everything to magically come together.

Once again I'm torn between, maybe it isn't so bad, and whatthefuck are you talking about this isn't how it's supposed to be.  But what if I don't know how it's supposed to be.  Don't I have to consider other's feelings or should I consider my happiness to be the defining factor and if I'm not happy, no one else can truly be happy with me.  So, if I make my self happy, others around me will be happy also?

My marriage is clearly an impossibility.  It isn't getting better, only worse.  We can't communicate...we rarely have a conversation about anything that matters that doesn't end in an argument or a disagreement.  Well, actually we rarely have a conversation about anything that doesn't end badly.

Magnum was doing ok for a while...tolerable almost pleasant.  But he recently made a decision that changed everything...and he is such a dick.  He whole tone and demeanor are different.  I really don't want to have the argument about a divorce with him, because he's such a dick these days.  But it's him being a dick that confirms for me that something has to change.  My life has to change.  Now is as good of a time as any to change things.

I'm not delusional, I know going back to Illinois isn't going to be all happy happy all of the time and my family who I miss so much right now, will piss me off and get on my nerves like mad, but even that can't be as bad as it is here...struggling to be happy, struggling to make others happy, and being virtually alone.

Right at this moment, I think, yes, when he gets home today, I talk to him.  I'll try to gently express to him how unhappy I am.  I'll try to express to him that I love him, but that I am so unhappy here.

But, will I?  Really?

Stopped.

Wow, I've really stopped blogging.  For a while blogging was almost like breathing to me...and then I got kinda down and lost my way.  And then my blog is all fucked up with cafeellanoise.com not working as my blog anymore.  It frustrates me.  I'm trying to move on from it and just deal.  But, ugh.

I just signed up to do Nanowrimo....should be fun.

There's so much more to write about...but I'm tired...more tomorrow.........................................maybe.

I still have no idea why/how to get back to www.cafeellanoise.com.  HELP???  Anyone??

?

When do I catch a break?

WhatDoIDoWithIt?

A few months back (March 9th to be exact) I wrote about a girl (what's new right) and I said she was THE most beautiful girl I'd seen lately.  I wrote this:


"And, finally, during a writing assignment luncheon today (I felt so fancy), I saw THE most beautiful girl I've seen lately. I did some quick research and I know her name-but I can't freaking find her on facebook. It's just pissing me off." 


I tried to find her.  I got some basic info and then I found her on Linkedin.  I added her to my connections, but never messaged her or anything.


Last night, in the wake of Skye telling me she was meeting a new girl for coffee (blah), I sent this girl a message.


I woke up this morning to a reply.  And we've been going at it all day.  I asked her random questions, (favorite vegetable?, favorite color?, favorite food?, etc) and she answered them all.  Rapidly.  Like we were chatting ALL day.


I know she's gay.  I know she's hot.  Maybe a normal girl (and we all know I'm not) would know what to do with this girl, but I don't.  Do I just let it be what it is and stick to linkedin messages?  

I think if she was a man I'd know what to do.  But, give the person a fucking vagina and I'm lost like bo peeps sheep.  


Let it be.  Let it be.  Let it be.  I think Let It Be will be the name of my first book.


Oy.  So I totally  just left this page, went backed to Linkedin and gave her my number and told her to text me sometime.  Now I just have to wait for the reply that says "I would but my girlfriend and I are getting married next weekend, so, no."  


Grrrr.

Verge.

I'm very irritated.  I'm having issues.

I want to be happy.

Happy just isn't my friend.

What do I need to do to make me happy?

I'm on the verge of change.  Always on the verge.

Blue.

If nothing else, she's predictable.

Kinda like the weather.  Sometimes the sky is dark, or cloudy, or sunshiney.  Sometimes there's a rainbow, sometimes there's thunder.

But it always comes back to blue, doesn't it?