Blisters.

I haven't written in a while.  Partly because I've been busy.  Partly because I've been thinking.  Partly because I want to stay positive, and right now, that's difficult for me.

But let's get to it, shall we?  We'll start with an...analogy?  Is that the word I'm looking for?

Let's say you have a pair of shoes.  They are so cute.  You've had them forever.  You love them.  But they've always hurt your feet, just a little.  Not enough to make you stop wearing them.  Just enough, so at the end of the day, you think maybe you should have worn your sneakers instead.  Then, one day, and for reasons unknown, the shoes start to give you blisters.  You keep trying to wear them.  Thicker socks, thinner socks, no socks.  Some days you can bear it, other days you can't even bring yourself to put them on.  So, here's the question...do you throw the beloved shoes in the garbage?  Or do you just keep trying, even though you've had enough blisters already?  

If I stand on the outside, and look in, it's obvious what needs to be done.  For a long time, as you know, I've been fantasizing about how it would be different.  About how it would get better.  It has gotten much worse.  I've had hope for a long time.  It's just not there anymore.

I always manage to have an excuse to pick up the pieces and try again.  I always wanted to try again.  I never wanted to give up.  The sad part is, I don't even want to try.  I'm empty.  I'm alone.  And, I'm not even sad about it.  I'm sad that I used to have so much love and hope and tenderness.  And now, there's just emptiness, and fear, and an ache in my soul. I hate that I know this is the beginning of the end.

I run scenarios through my head of "if only".  And in the past, that would get me through the rough patches.  I don't like to be upset. I don't like unhappy.  I don't like conflict.  So, I avoid it.  And, I run the if onlys. This time, not so much.

See, THIS blog is exactly the blog I didn't want to write.  But it's 4:38am on Easter morning, and I HATE being here.  I hate the empty cold feeling of life here.  There's just no warmth.  There's no love.  There's no like.  There's just tension, and crabby, and unhappy.

If I were my friend, I'd say, WTF is wrong with you?  You are such an amazing woman and you are letting him keep you down?  Why?

Because I'm a pussy.  Because I don't know HOW.  Because I'm afraid.  Because I worry.

And on it goes.