Decision.

So, I made a conscious decision to unblogroll myself.  I decided I didn't have the desire, or the time, to write.  I'll write when I want.  Not every day because I have to.

I started taking my happy antistress drugs again.  So far though, I'm not feeling it.  Granted it's also PMS week, but still.  You'd think I'd have some relief.

I haven't been able to focus.  I haven't been able to really get excited about anything.  I haven't been able to do things I used to love to do.  I'm just this big ball of blah.  I lack hope.  I really have it in my head that I will never be happy here.  The lightbulb guy said to me, "You gotta take care of you.  And do what's best for you."  Wow.  I wish it were that easy.

If I weren't such a conflict avoider.  If I didn't want so desperately not to hurt or to hurt others, I'd go upstairs right now and tell Magnum I was moving back to Illinois and he can come with me if he wants.  But I won't. 

His family is stupid.  They all live within a few miles (and in one case a few feet) of each other yet no one gets together.  There is none of that familial stuff.  Someone gets sick, everyone bands together.  Someone has a birthday, everyone gets together to celebrate.  Holidays.  Sunday dinners.  Not his family.  Some of them don't talk to each other.  Some of them talk to each other, but as soon as the other one leaves, it's talking negatively about them.  I fucking hate it.  If I ever move back to where I belong, I will go to every event I'm invited to. 

Teenager 1 lives with her boyfriend.  In the summer they stay in the lake house.  JDRW and I were there for a lil while the other day, and that's the closest I felt to comfort in a long time.  Just lounging around with family.

So there's my whine fest for the day.  Poor poor pitiful me.  :)