Lost.

Sometimes...most times...these days I just feel like I'm drowning.  My mind races and races with how do I change things...but it just keeps racing...until I'm exhausted.  I get peace when I sleep, but only because I take ambien...if it weren't for that I wouldn't sleep at all because my mind just races.

I like to think there's Hope...out there...somewhere...hiding...just waiting for me to discover.  But I've been searching for so long...searching and searching for something that can't be found?

I took a vacation, separate from Magnum and JDRW and Teenager 2.  I came home, to Illinois, to see Teenager 3 graduate from high school.  It's been 6 days.  I started to get lonely for Magnum on the 4th day...and today has been the most difficult.

I want to move here, I don't want to leave Magnum.  And the more I think about moving here, the less sure I am as to whether that is the right answer.

Plus, I love being near my family, but the more I'm near them, the less I want to be like them.  They are depressing in their own right.

I'm 40 fucking years old, and I'm no where and I don't know where to go or how to get there and it's starting to feel like a broken record, isn't it?

I thought this post might help me put things into perspective...but it just makes me tired.

R&R.

Turns out this is a rant & rave sort of post...sorry...

I think I'm starting to understand my mothers mind and how it fell apart.  Not that she's crazy really.  But at some point she lost her grip on some things...and I live with this constant nagging fear that I am also losing my grip.  The sad part is, I don't know how to get it back or to hold on to what little I have.

For the past few days I've just had this nagging icky feeling of...doom or despair or something equally icky.  It really, really, blows.  I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hill and just as I think I'm making progress on the climb, the earth beneath me slips and I stumble back to the bottom.

I've requested Magnum's help on some things, but he just doesn't have the desire or maybe the capacity to help me with it.  I feel like I'm being swallowed by some things...and I really need some assistance with conquering & slaying the dragons.

In other news...I'm going to Saint Louis by myself next week.  I'm excited, but I will also miss JDRW.  I haven't been away from him in a long, long time.  He almost cried when I told him today.

I started working at a green house today.  It's work, but it's not easy and it's sort of boring and the woman who owns it is old and kinda crotchety and crabby.  I don't want to go back tomorrow (and if I choose not to, I don't have to because my arm is supposed to be in therapy and the woman knows this and if I call her to say I can't work, it's no big deal), but it's money coming in that wouldn't normally be coming in...and I've been feeling sooo guilty lately about not having a job.  Sadface.

In other, other news, Skye and her girl are already fighting/breaking up/about to kill each other.  I don't know if I should be happy or sad about it.

And I guess that's all for now...ugh...I'm just so frustrated.