Lost.

Sometimes...most times...these days I just feel like I'm drowning.  My mind races and races with how do I change things...but it just keeps racing...until I'm exhausted.  I get peace when I sleep, but only because I take ambien...if it weren't for that I wouldn't sleep at all because my mind just races.

I like to think there's Hope...out there...somewhere...hiding...just waiting for me to discover.  But I've been searching for so long...searching and searching for something that can't be found?

I took a vacation, separate from Magnum and JDRW and Teenager 2.  I came home, to Illinois, to see Teenager 3 graduate from high school.  It's been 6 days.  I started to get lonely for Magnum on the 4th day...and today has been the most difficult.

I want to move here, I don't want to leave Magnum.  And the more I think about moving here, the less sure I am as to whether that is the right answer.

Plus, I love being near my family, but the more I'm near them, the less I want to be like them.  They are depressing in their own right.

I'm 40 fucking years old, and I'm no where and I don't know where to go or how to get there and it's starting to feel like a broken record, isn't it?

I thought this post might help me put things into perspective...but it just makes me tired.