Private?

So, this is one of those blogs that I think I should make private, but I won't know until I'm finished.


I hate to admit it, but the sunshine doctor, might be on to something.  Because for the past few months I've been in a funk that I can not get out of.  I'm overwhelmed to the point of not even caring that I'm overwhelmed.  I realized today that at the end of August, I get allll excited about fall and Halloween, but by the time Halloween actually gets here I'm so down, that I can't even get my head around the idea of decorating.

So, maybe it really is that I've been pretty much sunless for the past few weeks.  Mostly because it's too cold out there, and partly because it's been raining like every day.

I'm going to see Walter tomorrow.  Hopefully he can offer some assistance.  He has to do something.

I'm so not "able" to do the simpliest things.  My house is a complete wreck.  I didn't go to class at all last week (partly due to a stomach issue tho).  We went apple picking yesterday and to me it should have been happy with lots of picture taking and laughter...instead it was like..."ok fill your fucking bag with apples so we can be done".  :)

The good news is, I know I need some sort of "assistance".  :)  I'll buy the fucking full spectrum lights.  I'll take pills (as long as it's not Zoloft because that shit fucks me up soooo bad, it's not even funny.  Sure it helps me focus, and for the most part, it makes me better...but when I get pissed...holy fuck you don't want to be around.  It's scary really.)

I've been pondering...am I depressed (which I hate to have that label) or am I unfocused and that makes me depressed.  Because I wouldn't call me depressed right now.  I can see the light.  It's the shit in my fucking way, that won't let me get to the light, that's pissing me off and stressing me out!  Maybe he'll give me something for ADD.  Geezus.  Wouldn't that be incredible?  Because THAT is my problem.  It always has been.  Even as a kid, I was considered a "space cadet".  All of these years...and the whole time maybe I just needed to get up on some ADD drugs. 

In other news...

I'm job searching.  Seriously.  From the very beginning I always said when JDRW goes to school, I'll quit my current "job", and go to work.  Well...he's been in school for a few months and now it's time.  (Again, tho, this focus thing gets in the way.)  I only have one client now, because I haven't advertised for more because I was going to get a job, except I haven't gotten a job.  Magnum and I figured it out a few days ago...I'm making like $3 an hour right now.  And, for a client that I can't stand.  She takes advantage, argues with me over pricing and her spawn are hellions.  Some of the worst I've seen.  There's a local job I just read about in the paper yesterday that would be perfect.  Le Sigh.

I'm also stressing, once again, over money.  It just stresses me.  Doesn't matter how much or how little we have, it still causes me grief.

O, and, I downloaded Mozilla Firefox instead of IE, and for the most part I love it.  But at the end of my paragraphs here in my blog, when I hit enter, it doesn't fucking move my cursor.  Enter, enter, begin new paragraph.  I mean really, is that too much to ask?  (IT PISSES ME OFF!)

Grrrr.

And, that kiddos, is why I'm not blogging so much.  I'm irritated and overwhelmed and my fucking cursor won't work right, the little fucker.