Blast.

I got "talked" to at work today.  It's a bunch of crap.  But whatever.  I knew before I took the job that the boss was a power hungry person who needs everyone to know she's the boss.  She also doesn't give a rats fat ass about the residents.  So I have a hard time with her giving me a "talk".  Afterwards I went to my office and I made a list of all of the things she "talked" to me about, my initial reaction, and how I would remedy the situation.  I'm still pretty perturbed, but what can you do?  (Actually, I'm keeping a Log of every minute of my day from now on, so that if I ever get another "talk" I can present her with facts about my days.)

Grrr.  What I came to here to whine about was my marriage and how I need to leave and don't know how but I'm sick of hearing it, so I know everyone else must be.  Tonight I let Teenager 2 use the truck to go to his friends house, to put in an application at a job, and to take flowers to his girlfriend because she's sick.  I told Magnum that I let him take the truck to put in job applications.  But I knew any second Magnum was going to mention Teenager 2 should be home by now...so I finally just said to Magnum that I hated how I feel because I let Teenager 2 use the truck and I know that Magnum will be mad about it, even tho there is no reason for him to be mad.  FUCK.  Nevermind.  It's just stupid fucking rambling anyway.

Funny how some days are great and then there's a whole stretch of days that just plain suck sweaty hog balls.

Oh, and about the marriage thing.  Today we were home alone for a couple minutes and I was in the kitchen with my back to the counter just kinda leaning back.  Magnum came over and leaned his back up against me and I had my head on his shoulder and it made me cry because that's how it used to be.  The smell of him, the comfort of him, the safety of him, the warmth of him.  And I cried because it just doesn't feel like that anymore.  For a second I let myself pretend that he was that same man that used to make me feel all of those things, but he isn't.  I don't know when or why he isn't like that anymore, he's just not. 

I wish there was someone who could help me.  Someone who would support me.  Someone who would help me make sense of how I feel.  Someone who could make me not be so afraid.  Ha.  That someone used to be Magnum, and now I need someone like that because of Magnum.  Isn't life a blast?