Hard.

So I figured out the hard part.  It's actually a two part hard part.  And this is it:  If I get pissed, I give up.  And, when I feel less than worthy, I give up.  It's a self...what's the word?  A self destructive sort of thing.  There's a word.  Help me out here folks.

Now, on to other news.

Cole is turning out to be a really good friend to me.  I found out recently (that he only confided in me) that he is currently separated from his wife.  Now, get this.  When I thought he was happily married, I was all about flirting with him, but as soon as he told me he was separated, I freaked a little.  I guess he's pretty much been separated since I met him.  I feel bad for him.  He talks to me about his marriage and asks my advice and HELLO, I am not the one to give marital advice.  Anyway...I dreamed about him last night...and in my dream he and I and some skinny long haired cute blond girl were at an event where I had an office.  And she was saying something flirty to him and I said, "What are you like 12?" because she looked so young.  And to prove to me that she wasn't 12 she kissed him.  Twice.  Then they left together, then I saw them later sitting together in his car.  I was soooo freakin' pissed.  If he's gonna cheat, it better be with me.  Haha.  But I believe I've gotten past that stage.  I think he's slowly seriously becoming my Cooper.  (If you don't know who Cooper is, tune into Private Practice sometime...he's best friends with a female character named Violet on the show.)

Ok, enough about that.  Moving on to a new girl.  Shut up.  She's not new really.  I've emailed with her a time or two, and she's best friends with a friend of mine.  Back when I talked to her, I so wasn't in dating mode, so it was just lite friendly conversation.  But, yesterday I was checking out her facebook, and I gotta tell ya, she's HOT.  So I texted my friend, and asked her what was up with the girl.  My friend said "Well, she sees someone but she lives far away."  So I texted back and said "Well, I have a husband, I'm sure we could work something out."  :)    I'd love to post a pic of her here, but then someone I know, knows her and it just snowballs from there.  :)  I told her friend to have her hit me up.  :)

I've also learned...Dr. Sunshine was indeed right.  It's like my mood is plugged into the sun.  If it's sunshiny & warm outside, I can do anything.  I have hope.  I'm happy.  I love.  But when the sun isn't shiny, and it's cold, stay the fuck away from me or I will stab you in the eye with a fork.  :)  But, I don't think it's just the sunshine, I think it's mostly the warmth. 

My marriage still sucks.  I don't know if Magnum even knows or realizes that I'm at this point.  I run the options through my head over and over, and usually leaving is the only one that makes sense.  He always says it's because I hate this place-and I do.  But if I felt loved and cherished...if he had compassion and passion and positivity, I'd stay here forever.  But he doesn't.  Yesterday was the first time I've seen even a glimmer of hope in him. 

And, that's all I got for now.  I could ramble on but I'm sure you're bored by now.  Thanks for reading.  :)