Reorganizing?

I grew up with a hoarder.  I think we've discussed this before?  Anyway, when someone stopped by, we never opened the front door.  If it was someone we knew (which we determined by "peeking" through the curtains), we'd pull back the front curtain, open the little window there, and talk to them through that window.  If it was someone we didn't know, we sat there, quiet, and held our breath until they went away.  It got to the point that when I'd hear a car pull into the driveway I'd panic.  My heart would race and I'd feel like I couldn't breathe and my chest would hurt.  There was no such thing as a panic attack back then.  But I'm sure that's what I was having.  I was 8 the first time I went to the hospital for chest pains due to anxiety.  Of course, back then the doctors had no answers and the called my chest pains, growing pains and sent me on my merry way.  I was also diagnosed with a mitral valve prolaspe at that time.  But that's not the point...

Here's the point...

I still get panicked when a car pulls in our driveway.  If the dog starts barking, I panic.  I also tend to hide when I think someone pulls in.  I never go to the door.  I peek out the window.  Usually it's no one, and if it's someone I don't know, I just pretend I'm not home.  It's not as bad if someone is here with me, but if the dogs start unexpectantly barking-I do still freak out a little.

I find myself wondering if a panic disorder had been diagnosed when I was 8, how different would my life be now?  Would I have done better in school, in life?  Would I be a better person today?  Able to handle the stuff that I avoid as an adult?  Would I be better with money?  Would I be able to face confrontations rather than hiding my head in the sand?

I guess the important thing is that now I realize where some of my "issues" come from.  :)

I've asked my doctor for focus drugs.  I'm not sure if he'll give them to me or not.  Winter is kicking my ass this year.  I truly believe it's not only from lack of sun, but also from lack of snow.

I also blame my childhood for my total addiction to food.  Not the eating it part, but the having it part.  Nothing makes me happier than a freezer, fridge and pantry full of groceries.  

Last semester I wrote a paper about living with a hoarder, and the instructor indicated that that was probably the reason I am so organized now.  (I laughed when she called me organized...but I guess I really am.  I just lack the focus to stay on task.)  

I'm trying to focus.  I'm trying to reorganize my life.  I'm trying to face stuff head on instead of burying my head in the sand.  It isn't easy for someone like me.

I was talking to Magnum the other night, and I told him how lucky he is to not have a mind like mine.  I can't imagine just having the "regular" skills.

My heart palpitates just reading over this entry.  :)

And just as I was about to sign out...I'm watching Big Bang Theory-google it if you live under a rock-and at the end there was this quote, and I like it.

We exist to bear witness.  

We had to be.

The infinite needs us to see it.

Without the perceiver,

the perceived does not exist.

That gives us our leverage.

Don't look until you get what you want.