Grass.

Fuck all of this be nice shit.  What I really want to say is...

I HATE this house.  I feel like it's swallowing me.  NO ONE helps me ever and it seems like it's all my responsibility and I can't do it all myself.  For fucks sake you'd think someone would notice and help me but they don't.  And if I ask for help, then they stand there and look around and say, "what do you need help with?" Oh my god, really?

I hate this place.  It's so wrong.  I hate it and I'm stuck.  Do you know how fucking hard it is to be somewhere you don't want to be?  Do you also know how hard it is to break someone's heart?  I wish for ONCE someone would think of me, instead of me always thinking of everyone else.  Just for ONCE that would be fucking nice.

I hate the unfriendly people in this state.  I hate the government in this state.  I hate the prices in this state.

I hate being alone.  I hate that there isn't a point.  Keep the house nice and pretty?  For fucking what?  Aside from our kids and the teenagers girlfriend-who the fuck Ever comes to our house?  No One, that's who.  And even when they do, they are all stiff and uncomfortable.

I want family to come over and never leave.  I want my house to be so full of family that they are sleeping on the floors.  I want family who comes in, goes to the fridge, gets a snack, plops down on my couch, maybe complains about what I'm watching, and then falls asleep because they are home.

I want a fucking garden that actually produces vegetables.  I want dirt that smells like dirt and a yard that has to be mowed twice a week, not once a season.  I want 3 months of winter and 9 months of spring/summer/fall.  I hate this 8 months of winter, 2 weeks of summer, the rest of the year just ICK shit-grey and cold and brown and drizzly.  Weather that's too lazy to be passionate.

I've always had an excuse to stay.  Job.  I got none now.  Kids.  Older ones will be out of high school as of June and JDRW would rather be in Illinois anyway.  Husband.  Yup, there's the hook holding me in a place I hate.

It's miserable here.  I don't even know why he wants to stay.  Fear of failing his father somehow by selling the house to one of his brothers?  If I leave, who will he have?  He doesn't see his brothers.  He hasn't seen his daughter in years.  Cousins at funerals or random seeing them out shopping.  There are no barbecues.  There are no holiday get togethers.  And when there are, there's this uncomfortableness that drives me insane.  Everyone is nice and polite and you know fucking well that as soon as you leave they are talking shit.  Yeah, my family does the same thing...but they'll talk shit right in front of you.

JDRW fucking had a one kid egg hunt because there are no other fucking kids in this family and the ones that are here...Magnum doesn't talk to and we don't have a relationship with.

I have to get out.  I know they say the grass is always greener.  But jesus christ, at least they have fucking grass.