Dye.

I miss Skye.  I know it's stupid, but I miss her like I'd miss a sister or a cousin.  It sucks.

In other news...

I had a freakin' cat scan on Monday.  Holy freakin' cow.  That 400 gallons of chalk you have to drink before hand...was impossible.  Oy.  And, I literally have a mini panic attack when they turn on the machine.  I think about all of the horror stories about people getting killed while in machines like that.  And the dye they put in makes me feel like I'm going to suffocate.  Grrr.  And, I always ask that they not put that tape on me because it gives me a rash...well I was feeling so crappy from the whole experience that when she took out the IV, I forgot to tell her not to put the tape on:

Now class is starting...more later.

Metamorphosis.

I feel like I'm losing my grip, and it makes me panic.  I'm slipping away from what I've clung to for so long.  It's a metamorphosis of sorts.  It's like those few seconds after the Novocaine when I feel like I'm going to fall out of the chair and pass out...and at the last second I recover and everything is fine and I come out of the office better than when I went in.  That's how I've felt the past couple weeks.  Like, I'm losing my grip...but I have to to get better.

It makes me nauseous when I think about the changes that are going to take place in my life.  While at the same time I know it's all for the better.

I'm 98 percent sure I'll be visiting Illinois in January for my mothers 60th birthday party.  Yay!

My head aches.  I need to go back to bed.  

Goosed.

O Good Lord.  The line about honkin' like a goose is great.  I actually laughed out loud.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kids-your-mother-is-ready-to-start-fucking-again,11517/

Pain.

What can be said that I haven't already said a thousand times over?

Let's get the particulars out of the way.  Yesterday Skye asked me to come over.  Before I went, I asked her what her mood was.  She said "sad, wanna be comforted, kissed".  Mmm, ok.  I can do that.  I reminded her that her girl would be home soon.  She told me she wouldn't see her until Tuesday.  I told her I could fill in until then.  She told me she didn't want me to feel like I was a fill in.  So, fuck me if I take that wrong.  To me, all of that sounds like come over, comfort me, kiss me, and you aren't just a fill in-you mean something to me.

Except when she tells her girl that I'm staying over, the girl gets pissy about it, and Skye pretty much tells me I can't touch her.

I'm not going to go into detail, because it's pretty sucky for me, but I will say that I decided last night that I'm not seeing her anymore.  I can't stand all of the lies and she said she said crap.  I just didn't realize until last night that the girl doesn't know Skye's still seeing me.  I hate being that little secret that no one knows about and everyone hates.

So, sad sucky day for me.

Then last night, I see a picture on facebook of my grandma.  And it breaks my heart and I sit right there on Skye's couch with tears streaming down my cheeks (which she never noticed) because I miss my family so fucking much it hurts.  I hate it sooo much that I am missing birthdays and milestones and holidays with my family.  Magnum doesn't even see his family who lives right here.  Meanwhile, I miss my family so much that it hurts.  The obvious answer is to move back to Illinois.  But if I did that I'd have to do it without Magnum.  My chest hurts just pondering it all.  God dammit it fucking sucks.

Add to all of that this miserable pain I've had in my side since last Wednesday-and well it's just the icing on the cake I suppose.

I'm winter cleaning, which is overwhelming and unfun and frustrating because no one helps me.

So there's my whine for today.

I miss her already.

SkyeHigh.

Coming down from my Skye high is no fun at all.  After the high wears off I start to think that maybe there really isn't anything there from her side of things.  Maybe she's just being nice.  Maybe she just really wanted green bean casserole.  She's said things to me that make me believe she likes having me around.  I like to think that she thinks of me when I'm not with her.  I told her I was going to stop seeing her one time, and she said please don't stop seeing me.  I was like awwweeee.

But she really sends such mixed messages.  I'm sure she isn't honest with her "friend" about how she feels about me-whatever those feelings may be.  Even if it were so simple as, I like hanging out with Rumor, she makes me feel good.  I just don't think Skye is secure enough to say something like that.  I also don't think she's been honest with me about how she feels about her "friend".   But at the same time, how can I expect her to be honest with me, when I don't even think she's being honest with herself.

This is what I think sometimes...and it's the same thing as last time when she started dating her ex.  She wants to be in a relationship.  She wants to have a girlfriend as it makes her feel worthy(?).  So she let's people believe she's happy...but if you got to the core of her...to her soul...there's Hope floating on a half deflated life raft.

It's scary to stand up for what you believe.  It's scary to stand up to people you love and say you know what, I know you guys won't like it but I'm seeing or dating or in a relationship with Rumor.   She makes me happy, I'm content, and I would love it if you could be supportive of my choices.   

I'm not saying she should not see the "friend" and choose to see me exclusively...although that would be incredible.  All I'm saying is I wish she could be really honest about how she feels.

Or maybe she doesn't feel that way about me at all and she really wishes I'd leave her alone.  Grrrr.  Women are so goddamn complicated.  :)   Of course, I'm just as guilty of this as anyone.  I want her to be honest with me about how she feels...but if she doesn't feel like she wants me, I'd rather not know and continue to pretend like she does.  Dammit.  I'm such a girl.

ContentlyCraving.

I am attracted to her soul.  I know there are some people who are going to think I need to be bitch slapped back into reality...and perhaps it does sound insane, but it's the only way I can explain it.

Her soul is amazing and if she could let that get to the surface, she'd be such an amazing happy girl.  But all of that good stuff in her soul gets distorted on it's way to the surface.  Does anyone but me understand that?

I've always been attracted to people with old souls.  Skye's isn't old, it's bright and white and glowing...but it's muted by all of the stuff in her head and her heart.  With her head she worries too much, and her heart is a flitty little thing like a butterfly.  But if she ever manages to muddle through the muck-and really lets her soul guide her-omg.  I don't even think I could handle it.

I haven't felt that content is so long.  Warm and content and cozy.  If you know me, you know content is what I crave more than anything.

I got a little choked up last night at her apartment-I don't even think she noticed.  But I hate Thanksgiving in NY.  It always feels so cold and lonely for me.  I miss my dad.  I miss my family-my brothers and cousins.  And, being with her last night made me feel good...and content.

I don't think she gets it.  I doubt she ever will.   Someday she might, when she's older.  Until then...I'll just continue to admire from afar.  :)

Unfinished.

Autumn fucks me.  Since the end of September, I have 8 blog postings that I never finished or published.  I just start, get about 2 or 3 sentences in, and then flake out.

Hahaha, and I just almost left this one the same way.

Time to do something.  I've been awake for an hour and a half and I'm still not fucking tired.  Grrrr.