Blast.

I got "talked" to at work today.  It's a bunch of crap.  But whatever.  I knew before I took the job that the boss was a power hungry person who needs everyone to know she's the boss.  She also doesn't give a rats fat ass about the residents.  So I have a hard time with her giving me a "talk".  Afterwards I went to my office and I made a list of all of the things she "talked" to me about, my initial reaction, and how I would remedy the situation.  I'm still pretty perturbed, but what can you do?  (Actually, I'm keeping a Log of every minute of my day from now on, so that if I ever get another "talk" I can present her with facts about my days.)

Grrr.  What I came to here to whine about was my marriage and how I need to leave and don't know how but I'm sick of hearing it, so I know everyone else must be.  Tonight I let Teenager 2 use the truck to go to his friends house, to put in an application at a job, and to take flowers to his girlfriend because she's sick.  I told Magnum that I let him take the truck to put in job applications.  But I knew any second Magnum was going to mention Teenager 2 should be home by now...so I finally just said to Magnum that I hated how I feel because I let Teenager 2 use the truck and I know that Magnum will be mad about it, even tho there is no reason for him to be mad.  FUCK.  Nevermind.  It's just stupid fucking rambling anyway.

Funny how some days are great and then there's a whole stretch of days that just plain suck sweaty hog balls.

Oh, and about the marriage thing.  Today we were home alone for a couple minutes and I was in the kitchen with my back to the counter just kinda leaning back.  Magnum came over and leaned his back up against me and I had my head on his shoulder and it made me cry because that's how it used to be.  The smell of him, the comfort of him, the safety of him, the warmth of him.  And I cried because it just doesn't feel like that anymore.  For a second I let myself pretend that he was that same man that used to make me feel all of those things, but he isn't.  I don't know when or why he isn't like that anymore, he's just not. 

I wish there was someone who could help me.  Someone who would support me.  Someone who would help me make sense of how I feel.  Someone who could make me not be so afraid.  Ha.  That someone used to be Magnum, and now I need someone like that because of Magnum.  Isn't life a blast?

Hard.

So I figured out the hard part.  It's actually a two part hard part.  And this is it:  If I get pissed, I give up.  And, when I feel less than worthy, I give up.  It's a self...what's the word?  A self destructive sort of thing.  There's a word.  Help me out here folks.

Now, on to other news.

Cole is turning out to be a really good friend to me.  I found out recently (that he only confided in me) that he is currently separated from his wife.  Now, get this.  When I thought he was happily married, I was all about flirting with him, but as soon as he told me he was separated, I freaked a little.  I guess he's pretty much been separated since I met him.  I feel bad for him.  He talks to me about his marriage and asks my advice and HELLO, I am not the one to give marital advice.  Anyway...I dreamed about him last night...and in my dream he and I and some skinny long haired cute blond girl were at an event where I had an office.  And she was saying something flirty to him and I said, "What are you like 12?" because she looked so young.  And to prove to me that she wasn't 12 she kissed him.  Twice.  Then they left together, then I saw them later sitting together in his car.  I was soooo freakin' pissed.  If he's gonna cheat, it better be with me.  Haha.  But I believe I've gotten past that stage.  I think he's slowly seriously becoming my Cooper.  (If you don't know who Cooper is, tune into Private Practice sometime...he's best friends with a female character named Violet on the show.)

Ok, enough about that.  Moving on to a new girl.  Shut up.  She's not new really.  I've emailed with her a time or two, and she's best friends with a friend of mine.  Back when I talked to her, I so wasn't in dating mode, so it was just lite friendly conversation.  But, yesterday I was checking out her facebook, and I gotta tell ya, she's HOT.  So I texted my friend, and asked her what was up with the girl.  My friend said "Well, she sees someone but she lives far away."  So I texted back and said "Well, I have a husband, I'm sure we could work something out."  :)    I'd love to post a pic of her here, but then someone I know, knows her and it just snowballs from there.  :)  I told her friend to have her hit me up.  :)

I've also learned...Dr. Sunshine was indeed right.  It's like my mood is plugged into the sun.  If it's sunshiny & warm outside, I can do anything.  I have hope.  I'm happy.  I love.  But when the sun isn't shiny, and it's cold, stay the fuck away from me or I will stab you in the eye with a fork.  :)  But, I don't think it's just the sunshine, I think it's mostly the warmth. 

My marriage still sucks.  I don't know if Magnum even knows or realizes that I'm at this point.  I run the options through my head over and over, and usually leaving is the only one that makes sense.  He always says it's because I hate this place-and I do.  But if I felt loved and cherished...if he had compassion and passion and positivity, I'd stay here forever.  But he doesn't.  Yesterday was the first time I've seen even a glimmer of hope in him. 

And, that's all I got for now.  I could ramble on but I'm sure you're bored by now.  Thanks for reading.  :)

TheOnlyThing.

So, at some point tonight (it was sometime between 10 & 10:30pm, while I was having a shower bath-it's a bath but I keep the shower on, with the spray pointed so it's not slamming me in the face)...anyway...where was I?  Oh, yeah, so I decided that the only thing standing between me and who I want to be, is me.  Me.  There are so many things I can't change, so many things I have no control over.  The one and only thing I have total control over is my body. 


Let me go back just a smidge...

I'm not a skinny chic.  I haven't been since about 1990.  And, seriously, just the other day I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror wearing just my purple bra and these cute little red polka dotted boy short style undies, and I liked the way I looked.  Soft and curvy.  I looked like the kinda girl I want to snuggled into at night.  

Now, that being said, I've also been struggling with my weight lately.  It isn't a looks thing, so much as a health thing.  And a comfort thing.  My jeans are feeling a little snug, I get winded walking up just one flight of stairs, and given my family history, it would be in my best interest to not follow my family's history.

So, I've been a bit depressed lately over my weight.  I mean not so much so that I'm sitting here eating bon bons and crying into my chocolate cake.  I'm still a confident woman.  But, I know my life would be greatly improved if I were healthier.

And the only thing stopping me from being healthier, is me.  Every time I eat a cupcake, or drink a soda, I'm making a choice. 

It's up to me to do something about it.  It seems like such an unachieveable goal. 

It's all up to me.

NaughtyorNice?

I want to write but I keep deleting and backspacing because what I have to say seems so wrong and naughty.

But, I do love the being naughty part.

Grrrr.   My poor friend...who I'll call July...has gotten an earful of my naughty this week.  :)

And, if figures, that as soon as I decide to be naughty, Ogre moves away. 

I can't get enough of...I guess I'll have to give him a name...Cole...anyway...I can't get enough.  And even better, I think he can't get enough of me.

There's SO much more I want to ramble on about. 

I will say this I like it that he thinks of me.  :)

AdjustThisPlease. :)

Hahahahahaha....just go with it....

I go into my chiropractors office.  He's looking so fucking cute I can't stand it.  There's another patient in the office, but as he comes around the corner, and sees me, he gives me a big private smile.  I wait patiently while he finishes making an appointment for his last patient of the day.  As the  patient leaves and door closes, he turns around in his chair, leans back in a relaxed comfortable way and says, Hey there bitch.   :)  We chat for a few seconds and all I can do is look at his mouth and think of licking his bottom lip.  I know that that's a fantasy and it will never come to fruition, but I fantasize just the same.  Finally, we go into the room, where the adjustment will take place and he says, Go face down, bitch.  I lay on the table, as he adjusts my neck and back.  When he's adjusting me, he's all business.  He kicks into doctor gear.  And, it is so sexy.  Then he tells me to sit up, and he comes around in front of me and puts his hands on either side of my face, in the neck adjustment position.  I close my eyes, and whisper, "be gentle".  He doesn't answer.  He doesn't move.  Then, he says, "I want to kiss you."  It's a whisper.  So quiet and sincere I almost think I imagined it.  But then, his hands are on my face, and he pulls my mouth to his.  Gently, he kisses my mouth.  At first, I don't move.  I don't kiss him back.  I don't breathe.  Surely this isn't happening.  But it is...his hands in my hair, his body pressing up against mine, our breathing deep and wanting.  I open my mouth to protest, to tell him how we can't possibly do this, but when I open my mouth, his tongue slips in, gently, lovingly, sweetly.  And, I am kissing him back.  Tasting him for the first time.  Savoring every tingle that shoots through my body. 

Fuck...then I wake up.

:)

TastesLikeChicken.

UPDATE 10/13/2011-HOW ARE YOU GETTING HERE?  PEOPLE ARE BEING DIRECTED TO THIS ENTRY, AND I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW HOW YOU GOT HERE???  PLEASE COMMENT BELOW AND JUST LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU FOUND THIS LINK.  PLEASE?  THANK YOU...CARRY ON...

What is it with me and doctors?  I started to go to the Chiropractor a few weeks ago, and I love the work he does.  But more importantly, we've become friends.  And, I have been working for him in a marketing sense.  I like talking to him.  He's funny.  He does wear me out because his mind just goes in circles.  I knew we'd be friends when he was telling me a story and he said..."to make a long story longer...".  I've never heard anyone else ever say that but me.  :)  And then when I asked him if he was going to a particular fund raiser dinner, which is free but you're supposed to make a donation, he said, "depends on what's for dinner".  Haha.  Guess you had to be there.  So anyway, his wife is also a doctor.  She met me yesterday for the first time and wouldn't you know, I dreamed about her.  Goddammit.  It was so fucking cozy and warm. 

Which brings me to this.  It's girl season again.  I want.  Really...really...want.   (Haha, I just reread this and I'm wondering if I spent too much time back in 1997 listening to the Spice Girls?)

Things on the home front are still...well...shaky I guess you could say.  Not rocky at the moment...just shaky. 

And, I have the window open, because it's finally warm here, and just realized that there's no screen in the window...and it's dark outside and light inside.  You do the math.  I swear a bug bigger than my thumb just landed on my arm.  Eeeek. 

And, that's all I got for now.  OH WAIT!  One more thing.  I'm broken hearted to report that my favorite girl crush (as of late) is engaged.  To a girl.  :(  Courtney Jensen announced her engagement over the weekend.  Another one bites the dust.

Blisters.

I haven't written in a while.  Partly because I've been busy.  Partly because I've been thinking.  Partly because I want to stay positive, and right now, that's difficult for me.

But let's get to it, shall we?  We'll start with an...analogy?  Is that the word I'm looking for?

Let's say you have a pair of shoes.  They are so cute.  You've had them forever.  You love them.  But they've always hurt your feet, just a little.  Not enough to make you stop wearing them.  Just enough, so at the end of the day, you think maybe you should have worn your sneakers instead.  Then, one day, and for reasons unknown, the shoes start to give you blisters.  You keep trying to wear them.  Thicker socks, thinner socks, no socks.  Some days you can bear it, other days you can't even bring yourself to put them on.  So, here's the question...do you throw the beloved shoes in the garbage?  Or do you just keep trying, even though you've had enough blisters already?  

If I stand on the outside, and look in, it's obvious what needs to be done.  For a long time, as you know, I've been fantasizing about how it would be different.  About how it would get better.  It has gotten much worse.  I've had hope for a long time.  It's just not there anymore.

I always manage to have an excuse to pick up the pieces and try again.  I always wanted to try again.  I never wanted to give up.  The sad part is, I don't even want to try.  I'm empty.  I'm alone.  And, I'm not even sad about it.  I'm sad that I used to have so much love and hope and tenderness.  And now, there's just emptiness, and fear, and an ache in my soul. I hate that I know this is the beginning of the end.

I run scenarios through my head of "if only".  And in the past, that would get me through the rough patches.  I don't like to be upset. I don't like unhappy.  I don't like conflict.  So, I avoid it.  And, I run the if onlys. This time, not so much.

See, THIS blog is exactly the blog I didn't want to write.  But it's 4:38am on Easter morning, and I HATE being here.  I hate the empty cold feeling of life here.  There's just no warmth.  There's no love.  There's no like.  There's just tension, and crabby, and unhappy.

If I were my friend, I'd say, WTF is wrong with you?  You are such an amazing woman and you are letting him keep you down?  Why?

Because I'm a pussy.  Because I don't know HOW.  Because I'm afraid.  Because I worry.

And on it goes.