Grass.

Fuck all of this be nice shit.  What I really want to say is...

I HATE this house.  I feel like it's swallowing me.  NO ONE helps me ever and it seems like it's all my responsibility and I can't do it all myself.  For fucks sake you'd think someone would notice and help me but they don't.  And if I ask for help, then they stand there and look around and say, "what do you need help with?" Oh my god, really?

I hate this place.  It's so wrong.  I hate it and I'm stuck.  Do you know how fucking hard it is to be somewhere you don't want to be?  Do you also know how hard it is to break someone's heart?  I wish for ONCE someone would think of me, instead of me always thinking of everyone else.  Just for ONCE that would be fucking nice.

I hate the unfriendly people in this state.  I hate the government in this state.  I hate the prices in this state.

I hate being alone.  I hate that there isn't a point.  Keep the house nice and pretty?  For fucking what?  Aside from our kids and the teenagers girlfriend-who the fuck Ever comes to our house?  No One, that's who.  And even when they do, they are all stiff and uncomfortable.

I want family to come over and never leave.  I want my house to be so full of family that they are sleeping on the floors.  I want family who comes in, goes to the fridge, gets a snack, plops down on my couch, maybe complains about what I'm watching, and then falls asleep because they are home.

I want a fucking garden that actually produces vegetables.  I want dirt that smells like dirt and a yard that has to be mowed twice a week, not once a season.  I want 3 months of winter and 9 months of spring/summer/fall.  I hate this 8 months of winter, 2 weeks of summer, the rest of the year just ICK shit-grey and cold and brown and drizzly.  Weather that's too lazy to be passionate.

I've always had an excuse to stay.  Job.  I got none now.  Kids.  Older ones will be out of high school as of June and JDRW would rather be in Illinois anyway.  Husband.  Yup, there's the hook holding me in a place I hate.

It's miserable here.  I don't even know why he wants to stay.  Fear of failing his father somehow by selling the house to one of his brothers?  If I leave, who will he have?  He doesn't see his brothers.  He hasn't seen his daughter in years.  Cousins at funerals or random seeing them out shopping.  There are no barbecues.  There are no holiday get togethers.  And when there are, there's this uncomfortableness that drives me insane.  Everyone is nice and polite and you know fucking well that as soon as you leave they are talking shit.  Yeah, my family does the same thing...but they'll talk shit right in front of you.

JDRW fucking had a one kid egg hunt because there are no other fucking kids in this family and the ones that are here...Magnum doesn't talk to and we don't have a relationship with.

I have to get out.  I know they say the grass is always greener.  But jesus christ, at least they have fucking grass.

Soul.

Wow.

I don't know what's up with the blogger crap but it won't let me view my blog at cafeellanoise.com but if I go the old fashioned way without the domain name, it works. I dunno. It's frustrating because you can't find help anywhere on blogger.

A LOT has gone on over the past few months.

Once again, I'm wanting to go home and the only thing holding me here is Magnum. It's unfortunate. But, I hate it here. It's brown and grey and cold and lonely. Magnum tries, he really does, and so far I guess it's worked because I'm still here. I've talked to him about me going to Illinois for just the summer-maybe that would quench my thirst. Somehow I don't think it would tho. We went for a visit a few weeks ago and it felt so good to be around family and in the warmth and in the shadow of St. Louis. It's home to me. Magnum has my heart...but I'm afraid my soul is longing for family and friends and familiarity.

What else? Teenager 1 (who isn't a teenager anymore) broke up with her boyfriend and moved back to Illinois. I cried for two days. I cried because I'll miss her. I cried because her boyfriend's heart is broken and I hate it that he's hurting. I cried because I'm proud of her for following what SHE needs instead of letting others dictate her choices. I am happy for her. I'm even a bit jealous-but she knows it so it's ok.

I broke my wrist by falling up my porch two weeks ago. I just got the cast off today and it's amazing how fast I can type without that freakin' anchor. :)

I guess that's really all I have for now. I mean, there's more...I could go on and on...but I'm just...my mind is running and I have to put my thoughts into order before I type more.

Grrrrr.

My blog is all effed up.  It's pissing me off because I don't know where to go to get help to fix it.  I post, I get an email in my inbox saying my post is posted...but my blog hasn't updated since March 9th.  Grrr.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Test.

Testing.

Content.

O my god this is where I need to be.  It is so amazing.

Home.

What does a person do when they are married to a person they love, but hate the place that they live?

I love being here in Illinois. I love it.  It feels so good.  It feels like home.  It feels like this is where I should be.  Of course, I'm a firm believer in if this is where I should be, something will bring me back here.  JDRW has family here.  On Saturday we went to a bbq and he actually had cousins his age to play with.  He has aunts and uncles and grandparents.  He's making cake pops with his aunt right now.  He doesn't have that where we live.  I mean, he has aunts and uncles that he NEVER sees.  He has a sister that he hasn't seen in 2 years.  Because they have big fat attitudes.

I love it that I can sit here on my computer or go to the fridge and grab whatever I want or go take a nap and no one is going to complain or question or whine.  I love it that everyone talks at the same time.  I love it that we can all argue like hell and then 5 minutes later it's all good.  I love it that in the morning you can open the windows for fresh air but by afternoon you have to crank up the ac because it's so hot.  I love it that my legs ache because I walked for 5 hours at the zoo.  I love how people help people here.

My skin feels good.  My heart feels full.

SadBroom.

Ok, so...

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now.  The highlights are:

I'm loving writing for the paper.  I feel all grown up.

I've been semi seeing Skye-although I'm really not sure I'm feeling it.  I don't know what it is...maybe I just learned my lesson last time and I'm not going to put myself out there again?  Then again, today is her birthday...maybe she's getting too old for me.  Ha!

I dropped my classes this semester.  My SAD got to me bad this semester.  I was seriously down and out for weeks.

I might-probably-go to Illinois for a visit in 2 weeks...holy crap...one week from today.  Crazy, but true.

I panicked about turning 40, had all of my hair chopped off, and started a new business.

No, your broom standing on end has nothing to do with anything except brooms can stand on end when you try to stand them on end.  It is creepy, but it has nothing to do with solar flares or equinox.  Check it here.

And, finally, during a writing assignment luncheon today (I felt so fancy), I saw THE most beautiful girl I've seen lately.  I did some quick research and I know her name-but I can't freaking find her on facebook.  It's just pissing me off.

That is all.