So, we are having a sleep over. And, I have anxiety about it. Let me explain. :)
During our last relationship with a girl, she would sleep over and then when I would get up in the morning, she and Magnum would engage in extracurriculars. And, I always thought I would be fine, but I never really was. And, I don't want to do that this time. I want to understand why I feel that way, and what I need to do to not feel that way.
I've been trying to get to the bottom of why I feel like this. It's not like they haven't done this sort of thing before (both in my prescence & not). So, where does this anxiety come from? Is it a control thing?
I'm proud of myself for talking to Magnum about it though. Before I just would have suppressed, and then blown up later. So for the last few hours, I've been having this anxiety and I decided to talk to Magnum. And, just talking about it helped a little bit. I don't think he likes it. But, all I know is to express my feelings, and work on them together. I actually think he's a wee bit pissy about it. And, I really don't want it to be like that. I want to express how I feel, and then I want to work through it. (Of course, he says HE doesn't have anything to work through because he has no restrictions on me. Except, the one restriction there is, is the only restriction that would cause him to "feel" any way near what I'm feeling. Does that make sense? I think he can't imagine my fears or anxieties because I'm not sleeping with men. He says, he doesn't want to have these fears or anxieties and that's why he has a problem with me sleeping with men. Am I making any sense at all? Or does anyone really care what I'm writing?)
Don't get me wrong. When they are together, it makes me happy. Very happy. But then, I get all anxious.
I don't NOT want there to be a relationship between them, so why does this make me feel the way I feel?
And it's not new. I did it with Mist, and I did it in my last triad relationship. And, I don't want to do it anymore.
I am not versed in the ways of a poly relationship, so I am just learning how to deal with the particulars.
Now that I've rambled on for 18 pages (extra points for anyone who knows what that line is from)...I'm gonna go clean something.
2 comments:
will the kids be home? And I can't help but wonder if everything would be different for Magnum if you were involved in extracurriculars with another man instead of a woman...
and it's not any of my business, but my instinct says that you WANT to be o.k. with it(because it makes Magnum less bitchy and because you aren't completely satisfied with the love he alone gives you)...but you just aren't...
Yeah, kids are home, but they are used to me bringing home strays. :) We have discussed the man/extracurriculars before. He understands. But he has a valid point when he says he doesn't want me to date men because he doesn't want to feel the way him seeing girls sometimes makes me feel. AND, it is MY choice for us to see girls. Also, I AM happy. And, I think the last two relationships he and I had, were kinda shitty and the girls were out for THEM and no one else, so I am soooo cautious. But, she's different. She really treats us equally, and if she senses any sort of anxiety from me, she helps me deal with it or tries to modify her behavior until I become comfie with it. And, in his defense, if I had a dick, I woulda screwed her precious little head off already! (So, he's to be commended for control because it can't be easy!) I am satisfied with the love he gives me. But, if you've ever been in a relationship with a girl, it's just a completely different thing. :)
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