Verge.

I'm very irritated.  I'm having issues.

I want to be happy.

Happy just isn't my friend.

What do I need to do to make me happy?

I'm on the verge of change.  Always on the verge.

Blue.

If nothing else, she's predictable.

Kinda like the weather.  Sometimes the sky is dark, or cloudy, or sunshiney.  Sometimes there's a rainbow, sometimes there's thunder.

But it always comes back to blue, doesn't it?

Better.

There's always that nagging little bitch in the back of my head reminding me that I am just a fill in until something else comes along.  Notice I didn't say something better?

Doesn't she realize, she always comes back to me?  Or am I just that stupid, that I let her use me over and over and then discard me when she thinks she's found true love?

Oy.

I need to not think.  It's soooo much better when I don't think.  :)

Gah.

I have to get it out of my head and this seems to be the place to do it.  I want to write to her, but I don't want to get all creepy stalker on her-not that I'm not already.  Let's say I don't want to get any more creepy stalker on her.

She's 24.  I'm 40.  You do the math.  Age shouldn't matter, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it.  A lot.

She feels so good to me.  Have I ever felt this comfortable with anyone?  I try to blame it on the fact that we've been doing this "thing" for 4 years...but in my opinion we've always been comfie.

She's different this time.  Or maybe I'm different-although I don't feel different unless it's different as in I want her more than ever different-which seems impossible, I know.

I spent the night with her last Saturday.  Gulp.  Really, that's all I can say about it.  If I said what I wanted to say I'd have to make my blog "adult only" and I don't wanna.

Last night she made dinner for me.  Has a girl ever had me over to her apartment and made dinner for me before?  She told me she could cook before, but being the cooking snob that I am, I always thought "uh-huh".

The girl can cook.  She made stir fry.  Like, from scratch.  Fresh veggies, her own spices.  I don't even make stir fry like that.  And it was yummy.  I don't know what was better, watching her cook, or eating her food.

So, I'm avoiding my main point here.  Gah.

I want her.  I want her in every way.  I want her.  I want to give her things, and show her things, and do things to her like I've never wanted to do to anyone.  I want to do things with her, for her, that I've never wanted to do with anyone before.  I contemplate scenarios with her, that I've never contemplated before.  It is intoxicating and scary as fuck.

I want to be better for her.

I call her baby-but only in texts or online messages, and it gives me butterflies every time.

I'm gonna get broken.  But, I think it's worth it.

Neglected.

I'm feeling neglected these days.  Maybe being away for 8 days helped me to see things differently when I returned?  I just really feel like Magnum isn't paying attention to me.  Even when I speak, it's like he's not listening.  He does his things, and I guess I'm supposed to do mine.  I just haven't gotten attention or time from him.  I don't know if it's been this way for a while, and I'm just now noticing, or if it's been different just since I got back.

Fenton pays me zero attention these days.  :(  Which I suppose is probably for the best.

Then there's always the Skye drama.  She dates girls, stops talking to me, fights with the girls, calls me, the girls find out she's talking to me, the girls send me nasty messages, I stop talking to Skye, she breaks up with  girls, and asks me to be friends with her again.  Um...really?  I asked her yesterday why I should be her friend.  I've always been good to her, while she's been pretty shitty to me.  So, why should I be her friend?  The answer, simply put, is I shouldn't.  Too much drama.

While I was in Illinois, I almost hooked up (that's a funny phrase) with an ex.  I can't even explain it.  We laid in the same bed for a little while and she started rubbing my back...and it really got me all worked up.  But then I guess I started thinking about all of the girl drama that comes with hooking up...and I just didn't want that.  Plus, I see the ex as a very needy individual-I mean she's had a pretty shitty life-and I just didn't want to take advantage of her, which is exactly what the situation would have been had I allowed anything to happen.  As it turns out, just trying to explain why I couldn't hook up ended up being drama filled anyway.  I tried to be honest about why it couldn't/didn't happen...and I still kinda got told off for it.

I also met someone in St. Louis while I was visiting that may pan out to be a very unique and interesting experience.  I can't say more about it yet, because I just don't want to jinx it.  I hope it all works out.

I'm job hunting.  I hate job hunting.  I get all anxiety ridden.  I start to over think things and then I start to think what's the point and what about the cost of child care...and blah blah blah.  I did find a job listing that I really, really want for a Service Coordinator.  But, if I don't get it, it wasn't meant to be.

I need a new car.  I need a job to get a new car.  But I need a new car just the same.  Grrr.  There is a local place that will hook me up, but I have to have a real job for at least 2 months before I can get financing.

And, just to clarify, I was warm for 8 days.  Warm to the bone...hot even...maybe even a little sweaty.  And now...well...I'm freezing.  The high yesterday was 59.  Are you kidding me?  It's JUNE!!!  Grrrr.  :)

Lost.

Sometimes...most times...these days I just feel like I'm drowning.  My mind races and races with how do I change things...but it just keeps racing...until I'm exhausted.  I get peace when I sleep, but only because I take ambien...if it weren't for that I wouldn't sleep at all because my mind just races.

I like to think there's Hope...out there...somewhere...hiding...just waiting for me to discover.  But I've been searching for so long...searching and searching for something that can't be found?

I took a vacation, separate from Magnum and JDRW and Teenager 2.  I came home, to Illinois, to see Teenager 3 graduate from high school.  It's been 6 days.  I started to get lonely for Magnum on the 4th day...and today has been the most difficult.

I want to move here, I don't want to leave Magnum.  And the more I think about moving here, the less sure I am as to whether that is the right answer.

Plus, I love being near my family, but the more I'm near them, the less I want to be like them.  They are depressing in their own right.

I'm 40 fucking years old, and I'm no where and I don't know where to go or how to get there and it's starting to feel like a broken record, isn't it?

I thought this post might help me put things into perspective...but it just makes me tired.

R&R.

Turns out this is a rant & rave sort of post...sorry...

I think I'm starting to understand my mothers mind and how it fell apart.  Not that she's crazy really.  But at some point she lost her grip on some things...and I live with this constant nagging fear that I am also losing my grip.  The sad part is, I don't know how to get it back or to hold on to what little I have.

For the past few days I've just had this nagging icky feeling of...doom or despair or something equally icky.  It really, really, blows.  I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hill and just as I think I'm making progress on the climb, the earth beneath me slips and I stumble back to the bottom.

I've requested Magnum's help on some things, but he just doesn't have the desire or maybe the capacity to help me with it.  I feel like I'm being swallowed by some things...and I really need some assistance with conquering & slaying the dragons.

In other news...I'm going to Saint Louis by myself next week.  I'm excited, but I will also miss JDRW.  I haven't been away from him in a long, long time.  He almost cried when I told him today.

I started working at a green house today.  It's work, but it's not easy and it's sort of boring and the woman who owns it is old and kinda crotchety and crabby.  I don't want to go back tomorrow (and if I choose not to, I don't have to because my arm is supposed to be in therapy and the woman knows this and if I call her to say I can't work, it's no big deal), but it's money coming in that wouldn't normally be coming in...and I've been feeling sooo guilty lately about not having a job.  Sadface.

In other, other news, Skye and her girl are already fighting/breaking up/about to kill each other.  I don't know if I should be happy or sad about it.

And I guess that's all for now...ugh...I'm just so frustrated.