Stuck.

So here I am again...at that time of month when I think it would be best if I packed my shit and headed to the midwest. 

The Pros:

• Family
• Friends
• Warmth
• Comfort
• Gardens
• Less Expensive
• No more argueing
• No more feeling like a disappointment
• No more feeling like I'm swimming upstream
• The people are nicer in general in IL
• My grandma is getting very old, and I don't want the next time I see her to be at her funeral
• The teenagers want to be with me, but they don't want to be in NY
• No more feeling like I'm making life worse for other people
• Magnum hates my dog
• The bugs here are horrible
• I can substitute teach in IL

The Cons:

• Breaking up JDRW's home
• I'll miss Magnum
• My hair is horrible in that humidity
• The heat and humidity (Yes, it could also be a pro, but I'm trying to even the lists out)
• Not having the security of having a home
• Moving across the country isn't easy
• I would disappoint my clients

So, what's keeping me here?  JDRW?  I hate that I feel like I've done such an amazing job with him, and now I want to throw that all away. He'll be broken hearted.  How can I do that to him?  Isn't it selfish of me?  But on the other side, there are my teenagers who are spread all around because I am choosing to stay in NY. 

So, what?  What do I do?  I personally hate it here.  I mean, there are good moments.  But I hate the cold springs, and I hate not being with family during holidays, I hate how unfriendly and snobby  the people are.  I hate that I feel like I'm all alone.  I hate that Magnum is always at odds with someone-me or the teenagers.  We can't see eye to eye on anything.  So why am I staying? 

I'm pretty sure Magnum will fight me on this.  I'm pretty sure he'll make me feel guilty. 

And, I'm sure, when it's all said and done...I'll still be here.