A&A.

Fucking "A" months kick my ass when it comes to being girl crazy.  Or sex crazy.  Or something.  Because OMG.  It's so bad.  April & August.  Thank fuck there are only 2.

Skye is out of the picture again...my fault for not jumping on that when I had the chance...but the timing just wasn't right.  I hope she and I can still hang out.  Just hanging out with her should be enough to quench a tiny bit of the thirst.  She has a new girl who seems pretty cool...but again...these girls move to fast for me because she's already living with Skye.  The other girl just moved out in March, right?

Then I saw a girl in WalMart yesterday and I swear I wanted to freaking drag her to my car and bring her home with me.  She was just so...cute.  Adorable.  I figured since she was at the pharmacy she must have been sick and I just wanted to hold her and make her soup and cuddle with her.  And I don't even know the girl!  Of course, I found out about her as soon as I could because whatdayaknow lesbians do all know each other and Skye knows her.  She only told me the girls first name...not that it matters really because as Magnum likes to say, what would I do with her if I got her?  :)

And, for which I'm sure I'll get in trouble, a long lost friend has reconnected with me via facebook...and he is beautiful.  If I had to build a man that was the most edible man to me, right now, it would look just like him.  OMG.  I have a taste, lately, for men of a darker shade-it's kinda new for me.  I was always a redneck lovin' kinda girl but these dark men with brilliant blue eyes...fortheloveofgod...gulp.

And, finally, I think I have a date?  I met the person as a girl a few years back, but I guess she's transitioned to a he.  Either way, he's fine.  Fine.  We have plans to go to the drive in.  Something I would have probably said no to if it were anyone else.  But he said we could snuggle up in the back of his truck.  And when I told him I get really cold, he said he'd keep me warm.  Tingle.  And, I've already asked Magnum how this person factors into the open relationship thing.  Because I only date girls.  He and I both knew him when he was a girl.  So...I guess we'll see how Magnum feels when I come home all aglow & aflutter.

Trouble.

The trouble is...I don't have any passions right now.

It's hard to be passionate when there are so many little stressors.

And the little stressors aren't something I can fix.  They are something Magnum has to work on.  And we don't communicate, so it just stresses me more.  Not communicating is my choice tho, because if it's bad, I don't want to know.

I have ideas and plans, but it's so hard to focus on those when the stressors are around every corner.  Stressors that make me sick to my stomach and make my heart palpitate.

Not to even mention, I am not in love with living here in NY anymore.  I mean, how can I plan a garden when I don't even want to be here?  Why do I want to make the place cute, when there's no one to come over and visit?  It's just so frustrating.

Not to mention, I don't have any help.  I mentioned to Magnum over the weekend that I needed help.  I'm pretty sure it fell on deaf ears.

Grrrr.

Knocking.

THIS WAS WRITTEN WEEKS, MONTHS AGO-just now hit publish tho.

Wow I am in a funk that I can not seem to dig myself out of.  It's worse than it's ever been.  Is it a midlife crisis? Seasonal Associative Disorder?  Menopause?  PMDD?  PMS?  WTF?

I'm having problems understanding the point.  I'm here, but I'm having trouble with my purpose.

My head aches just trying to comprehend and focus on anything.  Of course, my head has been aching for weeks.  So does my head ache because I can't focus?  Or can I not focus because my head aches?

I do know I'm tired of doing dishes and cleaning.  Fuck.  And I don't have an escape.  There's nothing that I have that's mine.  I need a sanctuary.   I need a room I can go into, lock the door, listen to my music and not have anyone bother me.  Yeah, right.  That's never going to happen.  I can't even piss without someone knocking on the door.

Grass.

Fuck all of this be nice shit.  What I really want to say is...

I HATE this house.  I feel like it's swallowing me.  NO ONE helps me ever and it seems like it's all my responsibility and I can't do it all myself.  For fucks sake you'd think someone would notice and help me but they don't.  And if I ask for help, then they stand there and look around and say, "what do you need help with?" Oh my god, really?

I hate this place.  It's so wrong.  I hate it and I'm stuck.  Do you know how fucking hard it is to be somewhere you don't want to be?  Do you also know how hard it is to break someone's heart?  I wish for ONCE someone would think of me, instead of me always thinking of everyone else.  Just for ONCE that would be fucking nice.

I hate the unfriendly people in this state.  I hate the government in this state.  I hate the prices in this state.

I hate being alone.  I hate that there isn't a point.  Keep the house nice and pretty?  For fucking what?  Aside from our kids and the teenagers girlfriend-who the fuck Ever comes to our house?  No One, that's who.  And even when they do, they are all stiff and uncomfortable.

I want family to come over and never leave.  I want my house to be so full of family that they are sleeping on the floors.  I want family who comes in, goes to the fridge, gets a snack, plops down on my couch, maybe complains about what I'm watching, and then falls asleep because they are home.

I want a fucking garden that actually produces vegetables.  I want dirt that smells like dirt and a yard that has to be mowed twice a week, not once a season.  I want 3 months of winter and 9 months of spring/summer/fall.  I hate this 8 months of winter, 2 weeks of summer, the rest of the year just ICK shit-grey and cold and brown and drizzly.  Weather that's too lazy to be passionate.

I've always had an excuse to stay.  Job.  I got none now.  Kids.  Older ones will be out of high school as of June and JDRW would rather be in Illinois anyway.  Husband.  Yup, there's the hook holding me in a place I hate.

It's miserable here.  I don't even know why he wants to stay.  Fear of failing his father somehow by selling the house to one of his brothers?  If I leave, who will he have?  He doesn't see his brothers.  He hasn't seen his daughter in years.  Cousins at funerals or random seeing them out shopping.  There are no barbecues.  There are no holiday get togethers.  And when there are, there's this uncomfortableness that drives me insane.  Everyone is nice and polite and you know fucking well that as soon as you leave they are talking shit.  Yeah, my family does the same thing...but they'll talk shit right in front of you.

JDRW fucking had a one kid egg hunt because there are no other fucking kids in this family and the ones that are here...Magnum doesn't talk to and we don't have a relationship with.

I have to get out.  I know they say the grass is always greener.  But jesus christ, at least they have fucking grass.

Soul.

Wow.

I don't know what's up with the blogger crap but it won't let me view my blog at cafeellanoise.com but if I go the old fashioned way without the domain name, it works. I dunno. It's frustrating because you can't find help anywhere on blogger.

A LOT has gone on over the past few months.

Once again, I'm wanting to go home and the only thing holding me here is Magnum. It's unfortunate. But, I hate it here. It's brown and grey and cold and lonely. Magnum tries, he really does, and so far I guess it's worked because I'm still here. I've talked to him about me going to Illinois for just the summer-maybe that would quench my thirst. Somehow I don't think it would tho. We went for a visit a few weeks ago and it felt so good to be around family and in the warmth and in the shadow of St. Louis. It's home to me. Magnum has my heart...but I'm afraid my soul is longing for family and friends and familiarity.

What else? Teenager 1 (who isn't a teenager anymore) broke up with her boyfriend and moved back to Illinois. I cried for two days. I cried because I'll miss her. I cried because her boyfriend's heart is broken and I hate it that he's hurting. I cried because I'm proud of her for following what SHE needs instead of letting others dictate her choices. I am happy for her. I'm even a bit jealous-but she knows it so it's ok.

I broke my wrist by falling up my porch two weeks ago. I just got the cast off today and it's amazing how fast I can type without that freakin' anchor. :)

I guess that's really all I have for now. I mean, there's more...I could go on and on...but I'm just...my mind is running and I have to put my thoughts into order before I type more.