UPDATE 10/13/2011-HOW ARE YOU GETTING HERE? PEOPLE ARE BEING DIRECTED TO THIS ENTRY, AND I'D REALLY LIKE TO KNOW HOW YOU GOT HERE??? PLEASE COMMENT BELOW AND JUST LET ME KNOW WHERE YOU FOUND THIS LINK. PLEASE? THANK YOU...CARRY ON...
What is it with me and doctors? I started to go to the Chiropractor a few weeks ago, and I love the work he does. But more importantly, we've become friends. And, I have been working for him in a marketing sense. I like talking to him. He's funny. He does wear me out because his mind just goes in circles. I knew we'd be friends when he was telling me a story and he said..."to make a long story longer...". I've never heard anyone else ever say that but me. :) And then when I asked him if he was going to a particular fund raiser dinner, which is free but you're supposed to make a donation, he said, "depends on what's for dinner". Haha. Guess you had to be there. So anyway, his wife is also a doctor. She met me yesterday for the first time and wouldn't you know, I dreamed about her. Goddammit. It was so fucking cozy and warm.
Which brings me to this. It's girl season again. I want. Really...really...want. (Haha, I just reread this and I'm wondering if I spent too much time back in 1997 listening to the Spice Girls?)
Things on the home front are still...well...shaky I guess you could say. Not rocky at the moment...just shaky.
And, I have the window open, because it's finally warm here, and just realized that there's no screen in the window...and it's dark outside and light inside. You do the math. I swear a bug bigger than my thumb just landed on my arm. Eeeek.
And, that's all I got for now. OH WAIT! One more thing. I'm broken hearted to report that my favorite girl crush (as of late) is engaged. To a girl. :( Courtney Jensen announced her engagement over the weekend. Another one bites the dust.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Blisters.
I haven't written in a while. Partly because I've been busy. Partly because I've been thinking. Partly because I want to stay positive, and right now, that's difficult for me.
But let's get to it, shall we? We'll start with an...analogy? Is that the word I'm looking for?
Let's say you have a pair of shoes. They are so cute. You've had them forever. You love them. But they've always hurt your feet, just a little. Not enough to make you stop wearing them. Just enough, so at the end of the day, you think maybe you should have worn your sneakers instead. Then, one day, and for reasons unknown, the shoes start to give you blisters. You keep trying to wear them. Thicker socks, thinner socks, no socks. Some days you can bear it, other days you can't even bring yourself to put them on. So, here's the question...do you throw the beloved shoes in the garbage? Or do you just keep trying, even though you've had enough blisters already?
If I stand on the outside, and look in, it's obvious what needs to be done. For a long time, as you know, I've been fantasizing about how it would be different. About how it would get better. It has gotten much worse. I've had hope for a long time. It's just not there anymore.
I always manage to have an excuse to pick up the pieces and try again. I always wanted to try again. I never wanted to give up. The sad part is, I don't even want to try. I'm empty. I'm alone. And, I'm not even sad about it. I'm sad that I used to have so much love and hope and tenderness. And now, there's just emptiness, and fear, and an ache in my soul. I hate that I know this is the beginning of the end.
I run scenarios through my head of "if only". And in the past, that would get me through the rough patches. I don't like to be upset. I don't like unhappy. I don't like conflict. So, I avoid it. And, I run the if onlys. This time, not so much.
See, THIS blog is exactly the blog I didn't want to write. But it's 4:38am on Easter morning, and I HATE being here. I hate the empty cold feeling of life here. There's just no warmth. There's no love. There's no like. There's just tension, and crabby, and unhappy.
If I were my friend, I'd say, WTF is wrong with you? You are such an amazing woman and you are letting him keep you down? Why?
Because I'm a pussy. Because I don't know HOW. Because I'm afraid. Because I worry.
And on it goes.
But let's get to it, shall we? We'll start with an...analogy? Is that the word I'm looking for?
Let's say you have a pair of shoes. They are so cute. You've had them forever. You love them. But they've always hurt your feet, just a little. Not enough to make you stop wearing them. Just enough, so at the end of the day, you think maybe you should have worn your sneakers instead. Then, one day, and for reasons unknown, the shoes start to give you blisters. You keep trying to wear them. Thicker socks, thinner socks, no socks. Some days you can bear it, other days you can't even bring yourself to put them on. So, here's the question...do you throw the beloved shoes in the garbage? Or do you just keep trying, even though you've had enough blisters already?
If I stand on the outside, and look in, it's obvious what needs to be done. For a long time, as you know, I've been fantasizing about how it would be different. About how it would get better. It has gotten much worse. I've had hope for a long time. It's just not there anymore.
I always manage to have an excuse to pick up the pieces and try again. I always wanted to try again. I never wanted to give up. The sad part is, I don't even want to try. I'm empty. I'm alone. And, I'm not even sad about it. I'm sad that I used to have so much love and hope and tenderness. And now, there's just emptiness, and fear, and an ache in my soul. I hate that I know this is the beginning of the end.
I run scenarios through my head of "if only". And in the past, that would get me through the rough patches. I don't like to be upset. I don't like unhappy. I don't like conflict. So, I avoid it. And, I run the if onlys. This time, not so much.
See, THIS blog is exactly the blog I didn't want to write. But it's 4:38am on Easter morning, and I HATE being here. I hate the empty cold feeling of life here. There's just no warmth. There's no love. There's no like. There's just tension, and crabby, and unhappy.
If I were my friend, I'd say, WTF is wrong with you? You are such an amazing woman and you are letting him keep you down? Why?
Because I'm a pussy. Because I don't know HOW. Because I'm afraid. Because I worry.
And on it goes.
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