Dye.

I miss Skye.  I know it's stupid, but I miss her like I'd miss a sister or a cousin.  It sucks.

In other news...

I had a freakin' cat scan on Monday.  Holy freakin' cow.  That 400 gallons of chalk you have to drink before hand...was impossible.  Oy.  And, I literally have a mini panic attack when they turn on the machine.  I think about all of the horror stories about people getting killed while in machines like that.  And the dye they put in makes me feel like I'm going to suffocate.  Grrr.  And, I always ask that they not put that tape on me because it gives me a rash...well I was feeling so crappy from the whole experience that when she took out the IV, I forgot to tell her not to put the tape on:

Now class is starting...more later.

Metamorphosis.

I feel like I'm losing my grip, and it makes me panic.  I'm slipping away from what I've clung to for so long.  It's a metamorphosis of sorts.  It's like those few seconds after the Novocaine when I feel like I'm going to fall out of the chair and pass out...and at the last second I recover and everything is fine and I come out of the office better than when I went in.  That's how I've felt the past couple weeks.  Like, I'm losing my grip...but I have to to get better.

It makes me nauseous when I think about the changes that are going to take place in my life.  While at the same time I know it's all for the better.

I'm 98 percent sure I'll be visiting Illinois in January for my mothers 60th birthday party.  Yay!

My head aches.  I need to go back to bed.  

Goosed.

O Good Lord.  The line about honkin' like a goose is great.  I actually laughed out loud.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kids-your-mother-is-ready-to-start-fucking-again,11517/

Pain.

What can be said that I haven't already said a thousand times over?

Let's get the particulars out of the way.  Yesterday Skye asked me to come over.  Before I went, I asked her what her mood was.  She said "sad, wanna be comforted, kissed".  Mmm, ok.  I can do that.  I reminded her that her girl would be home soon.  She told me she wouldn't see her until Tuesday.  I told her I could fill in until then.  She told me she didn't want me to feel like I was a fill in.  So, fuck me if I take that wrong.  To me, all of that sounds like come over, comfort me, kiss me, and you aren't just a fill in-you mean something to me.

Except when she tells her girl that I'm staying over, the girl gets pissy about it, and Skye pretty much tells me I can't touch her.

I'm not going to go into detail, because it's pretty sucky for me, but I will say that I decided last night that I'm not seeing her anymore.  I can't stand all of the lies and she said she said crap.  I just didn't realize until last night that the girl doesn't know Skye's still seeing me.  I hate being that little secret that no one knows about and everyone hates.

So, sad sucky day for me.

Then last night, I see a picture on facebook of my grandma.  And it breaks my heart and I sit right there on Skye's couch with tears streaming down my cheeks (which she never noticed) because I miss my family so fucking much it hurts.  I hate it sooo much that I am missing birthdays and milestones and holidays with my family.  Magnum doesn't even see his family who lives right here.  Meanwhile, I miss my family so much that it hurts.  The obvious answer is to move back to Illinois.  But if I did that I'd have to do it without Magnum.  My chest hurts just pondering it all.  God dammit it fucking sucks.

Add to all of that this miserable pain I've had in my side since last Wednesday-and well it's just the icing on the cake I suppose.

I'm winter cleaning, which is overwhelming and unfun and frustrating because no one helps me.

So there's my whine for today.

I miss her already.

SkyeHigh.

Coming down from my Skye high is no fun at all.  After the high wears off I start to think that maybe there really isn't anything there from her side of things.  Maybe she's just being nice.  Maybe she just really wanted green bean casserole.  She's said things to me that make me believe she likes having me around.  I like to think that she thinks of me when I'm not with her.  I told her I was going to stop seeing her one time, and she said please don't stop seeing me.  I was like awwweeee.

But she really sends such mixed messages.  I'm sure she isn't honest with her "friend" about how she feels about me-whatever those feelings may be.  Even if it were so simple as, I like hanging out with Rumor, she makes me feel good.  I just don't think Skye is secure enough to say something like that.  I also don't think she's been honest with me about how she feels about her "friend".   But at the same time, how can I expect her to be honest with me, when I don't even think she's being honest with herself.

This is what I think sometimes...and it's the same thing as last time when she started dating her ex.  She wants to be in a relationship.  She wants to have a girlfriend as it makes her feel worthy(?).  So she let's people believe she's happy...but if you got to the core of her...to her soul...there's Hope floating on a half deflated life raft.

It's scary to stand up for what you believe.  It's scary to stand up to people you love and say you know what, I know you guys won't like it but I'm seeing or dating or in a relationship with Rumor.   She makes me happy, I'm content, and I would love it if you could be supportive of my choices.   

I'm not saying she should not see the "friend" and choose to see me exclusively...although that would be incredible.  All I'm saying is I wish she could be really honest about how she feels.

Or maybe she doesn't feel that way about me at all and she really wishes I'd leave her alone.  Grrrr.  Women are so goddamn complicated.  :)   Of course, I'm just as guilty of this as anyone.  I want her to be honest with me about how she feels...but if she doesn't feel like she wants me, I'd rather not know and continue to pretend like she does.  Dammit.  I'm such a girl.

ContentlyCraving.

I am attracted to her soul.  I know there are some people who are going to think I need to be bitch slapped back into reality...and perhaps it does sound insane, but it's the only way I can explain it.

Her soul is amazing and if she could let that get to the surface, she'd be such an amazing happy girl.  But all of that good stuff in her soul gets distorted on it's way to the surface.  Does anyone but me understand that?

I've always been attracted to people with old souls.  Skye's isn't old, it's bright and white and glowing...but it's muted by all of the stuff in her head and her heart.  With her head she worries too much, and her heart is a flitty little thing like a butterfly.  But if she ever manages to muddle through the muck-and really lets her soul guide her-omg.  I don't even think I could handle it.

I haven't felt that content is so long.  Warm and content and cozy.  If you know me, you know content is what I crave more than anything.

I got a little choked up last night at her apartment-I don't even think she noticed.  But I hate Thanksgiving in NY.  It always feels so cold and lonely for me.  I miss my dad.  I miss my family-my brothers and cousins.  And, being with her last night made me feel good...and content.

I don't think she gets it.  I doubt she ever will.   Someday she might, when she's older.  Until then...I'll just continue to admire from afar.  :)

Unfinished.

Autumn fucks me.  Since the end of September, I have 8 blog postings that I never finished or published.  I just start, get about 2 or 3 sentences in, and then flake out.

Hahaha, and I just almost left this one the same way.

Time to do something.  I've been awake for an hour and a half and I'm still not fucking tired.  Grrrr.

Begin?

Obviously I'm doing something wrong.  History keeps repeating itself with the same outcome.  I want history to repeat itself with a new outcome.

I'm still here, when I need to be there.

I'm still stuck in the same hole, still trying to dig myself out, and still failing miserably.

Hope keeps me afloat.  I'm not so sure I like hope these days.  Then again, if I didn't have hope to keep me afloat, I might drown in reality.

So, if I take all that is wrong, and write it down, do you think I could fix it?  Or do you think I'd simply look at the list, get overwhelmed and go back to bed?

It's time to do something different.  But where do I begin?

Titleless.

How is it when I'm needy, I'm all alone?

Missed.

I try not to celebrate death dates.  As a matter of fact, sometimes I'd rather just forget them.  But, then I spend a week being sad and crabby and tired, and I remember why this time of year is so hard for me.

On November 14, 2003 at 9:50pm, my dad died.  It was the saddest day of my life.  Sometimes I feel stupid because I still cry because I miss him.  We buried him on the 3rd Monday in November.

Even tho I try not to remember the day he died, because it hurts so much, I always find myself feeling sad and alone on this day.

I miss him.

Nevermind.

Funny how quickly things change, and you don't even know why.

I also don't really enjoy unrealiablity.  Kinda sucks.

I want to go out with Izzy.  But when I think about it, I just can't.  Maybe soon, but not yet.

I'm sad, it sucks.

And, that's really all I got for now.

Princess.

I have to make a damn princess.  Grrrr.  I'm very creative, but not very artistic.  I think I'll create the illustrations for the book with basic shapes.  I can do a bird with all circles...I've already done one.  I'll have to do a rooster, a duck and an owl.  A princess, a queen, a castle and maybe some trees and grass and pebbles?  I can do it. Right?  Yes, yes I can.

Spanish is kicking my ass.  Grrrr.  I just don't have the capacity to grasp it right now.  I'm trying tho.

And my hips hurt.  :(

How pathetic am I?  :)

Mmmm...I just remembered I have a pomegranate to eat.  Maybe that'll cheer me up.

Whacked.

You know what, fuck you and your too attached shit.  I'm not fucking attached.  I just fucking like you, a lot.  But that's never been a secret.  Attached sounds needy.  I'm not needy.  I don't need you.  I want you.  Don't you see the difference?   I like it when I see something while I'm out shopping and I want to buy it for you because I know you'd love it.  I like it when you send me stupid sweet texts.  I like your little round head.  If that is what you think is being too attached...then fuck me I guess you are right.

So there.  Yes, I do think I just stuck out my tongue.

I'm not delusional.  I know you'll never choose me...no matter if you were into me or not.  You can't choose me because other people won't accept that and that is what motivates you.  I get it.  Still sucks tho.  :)  It sucks that I can't even get you to try.  I guess I do get obsessed about that part because I just get so gggrrrrr about the fact that you aren't even willing to try.

Then she goes and gets her hair cut.  :)

And here's the part where my stupid higher consciousness comes in.  Even tho I rant and rave about how you need to give me a chance...I know that maybe she is the better choice...but even as I write that, I'm not so sure I truly believe it.  She's right as in...she can give you all of her and you can bring her to Thanksgiving with you and your family will all smile and say how much they love her.  And, you'll smile and seem happy.  I just think that deep down, if you were honest with yourself...it might be different.

Then again, maybe I'm just a complete whack job.  :)

Out.

I have to take my contacts out.  Don't let me forget to take my contacts out.

Wow.  That was an amazing night.

I have a new favorite, and when I get more info I'll post a link.  Absolutely amazing!

And a quick note:  Skye posted a pic of her and her girl...wow, they are a hot couple.  :)

And, now I have to go to bed...but not before I take out my contacts.

Higher.

I've never written my blog for or to anyone.  It's for me.  I haven't been writing some stuff for fear of offending people...but ya know what...if you don't like what you read, don't read.

I guess I'm not the dating type.  I don't know how to do it.  I guess for me dating leads to a relationship, and I don't know how to date without that ending.  I also don't do things half way.  I guess I over step or over share or over want.  I just don't know where the line is that shouldn't be crossed.  I don't know where it goes from being wooing to being stalking.

I guess the problem is, it's not a relationship.  I have to remember that.  It's a her having fun and me being there for it.

Now having said all of that...

I don't answer to other people.  I never have, I never will.  If you don't like my girlfriend, too bad.  I won't let you dictate who I can and can not see just because you have some stupid fucking hang up.  Usually those that are trying to dictate have a control issue.  Back the fuck up, leave it alone.  

People are so black and white.  People have been so programmed to believe things are and should be a certain way that they can't even begin to see (or even try to see) things different than what they've been programmed with.  I guess, I see things from some sort of higher consciousness.  I see things...simpler.  I don't worry about what everyone else thinks.  If it makes you  happy, and it isn't hurtful or illegal or harming anyone...then fucking grab it.  My problem is, I grab it...but it's been programmed not to be fucking grabbed. :)  It's all good.

I'm sorry I don't know how to be unattached.  To me being unattached, is simply not being attached AT ALL.  I tend not to feel secure enough to hold on by a string.  I need a fucking heavy duty rope.  Sometimes, I know, it feels like I'm wrapping that rope around your throat.  But I don't mean to.  I honestly just don't know how to do things.  I also just don't know what you want.  And, the easiest thing for me to do is just give up.  I don't want to give up.  I hate it when I feel stupid because I think I know what you want, and then I realize I don't.  I think this is why I can't do this sort of thing.  In a relationship you know, just by the agreement of being in a relationship, that it's all good.  There's a security in that.  

I guess I see things differently.  I see what could be.  But I see things from this stupid higher consciousness and I get so frustrated when others can't.  I get so frustrated because I KNOW, and other people won't even try.

It's not the first time.  Won't be the last.  

Thanks.

10 Things I'm Thankful For This Season!

1.  Sleep.  :)
2.  Warmth.
3.  Sheryl
4.  Chips & Salsa with friends
5.  <3
6.  Air freshener
7.  Honesty
8.  Cute toes
9.  Ham
10.  Being dry

Uncanny.

Breaking Dawn was amazing.  Srsly.  I can't wait to go see it again.

I don't like liars, just sayin.

The weekends suck for me these days.  Being a hunters widow wouldn't be so sucky if I had a girlfriend to entertain me.  :)  I need one of those.

The question was asked of me:  Do you love him?  Are you in love with him?  I think I'd answer yes to both of those.  I'd also say that I can love and be in love with more than one person at a time.  I will say, I don't like him sometimes.  His attitude sucks, but I understand why most of the time.  I have this uncanny ability to stay positive in the crappiest situations, which I think is almost a super power.  One of my ex's reminded me:  He's not a jerk, he's just misunderstood.  :)

I'm rockin' in school, fyi.  Tonight I'm in charge of the bake sale at FMCC.  I'm pretty sure I have straight A's.  Except maybe Spanish.  :)

I was going to have lunch with Izzy this afternoon, as no one requested that I not.  However, I think my schedule is too busy today.  

I guess that's all I got right now.  It's boring and non passionate but I am refusing to do another Skye blog.  It's not easy.

Crack.

I've decided, after much thought, to go out with Izzy this weekend.

I have refrained from doing so, because I want Skye.   But, I think Skye has made it abundantly clear that she can't won't isn't interested in a relationship with me.  I want her to tell me she doesn't want me to date...I don't expect her to...but I want her to.

Anyway, Izzy took some time off for thinkin'.  And now she's back and she wants to play.  She wanted to play tonight, but I have too much going on for playin' this week.  (Although, I think I'm playin' with Skye tomorrow night-she's the exception to all of my fucking rules apparently.)

I'm picky about the girls I date.  Really really picky.  I haven't dated in over 2 years...not because no one wants to date me, but because I haven't found anyone worth dating.  Then Skye comes back, and I think maybe I might get the chance to have her, just for a while...just long enough to know her, to explore her, to show her how it could be, if she'd just let it be.

She knows what I think and what I want and how I feel.  I have no clue about her.  Except at this point, I'm pretty sure she's not going to give me the chance to show her.

I can't imagine getting hivey or butterflies from another woman, like I do with Skye.  But, I guess I've got to try.

So, this post was supposed to be about my upcoming date with Izzy, and instead I've rambled on about Skye.  WTF?  And, in my head I just said (I may have even said it out loud) why the fuck is it Skye?  What is it about her?

A list:

I love the way she is, when she doesn't now I'm watching her.
I love the way her mouth is open just a little bit, when she's thinking really hard.  :)
I love her perfect little head.  Seriously.  She has the most perfect little round head.
I love how she talks baby talk when she gets nervous.
I love that she's insecure, but she acts like she's not.
I love her big shoes.
I love that she carries a jug of juice with her, and chugs right from the jug.
I love the little squeal she makes when I touch her.
I love that I'm comfortable around her (usually).
I love that she loves her family, but she still hides stuff from her parents.
And I love that she was so excited about her baby rats that she said this:  "Ohhh they are so amazing.  My crack is hanging out and I don't even care."  Hahahaha.

And I'm stopping there because I think I could go on forever.

FairyTales.

AFTERNOTE:  Ha...I write and then before I publish I want to say something:    I write about her a lot, not because she's all there is, but because she's the hardest for me to process within my own head.  So I come here to write it out.  My life is good.  I'm not sitting in the corner sucking my thumb waiting for her extremely beautiful self to come and rescue me.  It's not like that.  Life is good.  It could just be a wee bit better, with her in it.  And, while I'm saying that, I'd also like to mention that she fulfills something in me, that Magnum doesn't, which makes me like Magnum more...if that makes any sense.  Like there's a hole (shut up pervs), that he tries to fill, but can't...and she does.  So with both of them in my life, I feel good.  Whole.  And, that is why I come here to write stuff like the following.  :)

She makes my arms feel good.  Isn't that odd?  Here's where that thought is coming from...

The past couple times I saw Skye, she was distant.  She says she's just taking things slow, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking "since when??"  I'm also thinking that it has less to do with taking it slow, and more to do with the other girl she's seeing.  I'd much rather her tell me the truth than to drag me along...ya know?

So, anyway, a couple nights ago I was wondering this:  What would it take for her to just go for it with me?  What could I say to her, or offer her, that would make her go, "Yes, let's do this.  Let's date exclusively and see how I like it."  Truth be told, I'm not sure there's anything I could offer.  But I think I would, if I could.  On the flip side of that, I'm sure that's also true with the other girl.  Here's the part that sucks to be me...Skye will pick the other girl.  I like to fantasize that she chooses me instead, but I know that's a fairy tale.  But don't we all kinda still wish, just a little, that fairy tales do come true?

I want to tell her she'd be choosing the wrong girl.  But, you can't do that.  In my head, I can see a future with Skye in it.  However, I think in her head, she barely sees me in her present.  And, I don't know the other girl. Maybe she's pure perfection and the best thing that could ever happen to Skye.  I personally don't believe that to be the case, just based on the basic knowledge I do have.  I also can't say that I'd expect anyone to think I'd be the best thing to ever happen to her.

Grrr.

So I drove by a house today...I thought wow, I love that house.  Then I saw it was for sale.  And my mind immediately starts imagining me and Skye living there together.  And it makes my arms feel good.

How?

Why and how does my body do this?  I mean, seriously.  Every night I wake up at the same time.  Which, I guess is technically morning, but still.  And, it's always the same thing...I wake up stressed the fuck out.  Grrrr.

FuckingDrama.

In a matter of a few seconds...this is what went down...

I call Skye because she asked me to.  I'm on the phone with her for literally 3 seconds, and Magnum walks in the front door from hunting with a bag full of skinned squirrells he's just hunted.  I'm standing at the stove, making mac n cheese for JDRW and Magnum says, "I need the sink but it needs to be emptied," so, I turn to start emptying the sink, but the dishwasher if full, so I start emptying the dishwasher, then the timer for the mac n cheese goes off, and Magnum is still just standing there watching me do all of this, and not helping.  Skye's converstation is all broken up and I don't want to hang up but I'm only catching about every 3rd word...so I tell her I have to go...and I hang up and I'm still trying to do everything...and Magnum still isn't helping...so of course I go off on him.  He thinks, somehow that I'm the one with the attitude problem.  Fuck.

And, as far as drama goes...I'm just not so sure I can handle girl drama right now.  Skye's ex was in town tonight and the girl she's seeing suddenly has a break down and needs Skye to come over?  Really?

Kinda sucks I've been waiting for Magnum to come out of the woods for the past hour and a half so maybe we could go out...and then he comes in all fucking caveman on my ass.

Fuck.

SideEffect.

I found a new unexpected side effect of being a 39 year old married woman who's dating a 23 year old woman...

I can't be there for her in a time of crisis.   I mean I could be there...but I can't because her family can't know about me. 

I'm not complaining at all.  I'm just saying I wish I could be there for her.  And, I can't.

I'd love to hold her to sleep.

3:32am

I hate the middle of the night stress.  I wake up and every possible stressy thing pops into my head, and of course I can't get back to sleep.  So, I end up being awake for a few hours, while my brain tires itself out.  And in the morning, I'll be tired.

I shouldn't even blog, because all I want to blog are the negative things. 

Grrr.

Stuck.

I'm not happy.  I keep thinking if this happens or if that happens I'll be happy and content.  Truth is, in my current situation, happy isn't going to happen. 

I'm stuck.  It sucks.

Pffffttt.

I got a text this morning from Skye saying "Wtf am I doing?"  I replied with I dunno, wtf are you doing.
I asked her if the feeling she was having was good or bad.  She said both.  I told her I could make things easier for her by not seeing her anymore...she answered with a pfffftttt and a we'll talk later.

I can't imagine, if she feels how I feel, that she wouldn't be jumpin' all over it. 

And, a funny regarding last night...this morning I ask Magnum, with a sly smile on my face, what constitutes homeplate in the lesbian world.  He said, Uh...orgasm.  I said, well then I guess you can call me PUJOLS!!!!  Hahaha.

Used?

I don't know what to do.  Seriously.  I'm not comfortable not being in a relationship with someone, and being sexual with them.  I guess it's the age thing. 

I'm feeling a little used...I think.

In order for sex to be good for me, I have to have that connection. 

I don't know what to do with her.  I mean, we did what we did last night...and I found it outrageously sexy...but kinda empty.  Like that's all I was there for...like there's just that.  Like there isn't a relationship...just a booty call.  Ha, yes I said booty call.

On the way home last night I was sure I didn't want to see her again.  It's too much for me.  She's sexy as hell...but I'm just not what she wants or needs.  So I should stop now...right?

I was crabby to begin with last night...which worked out in her favor I think, because I was less lovey dovey wanna cuddle and more I wanna fuck.  :) 

And, I really don't like the time when we are apart.  I kinda feel like when we are together she's incredible, but when we aren't together she's...eh about me.

I want her to love me.  I know that sounds stupid and pathetic...but it would be awesome to see her in love.

Occupied.

A really random blog...

New computer.  Not sure if I like it yet. 

I saw TWO at WalMart today.  Wow, she is fat.  I love it.  Mean?  Yes.  True?  Yes.

Skye has a date today.  I always think I'm prepared...and then it hits me like a bus.  I guess because it happens like this:  I text and say I'm freezing.  She says she'll warm me up.  I say, Hey, let me know when you are going to have a date so I can make sure I'm occupied while you're on your date (or something like that) and the next text I get is that she's on a date Now.  So...ya know...what do I do with that?  Do I stop texting her, so as not to bother her during her date?  Do I text her naughty little things to make her think of me during her date?  I hate it that I can text her anytime, and she texts me back...and then she's on a date and I feel like if I text her, I'm bothering her.  Like I'm some obsessive old woman who's chasing someone who doesn't really want to be chased. 

It's also hard for me to believe that after yesterday, she'd even want to spend time with anyone else.  She reminds me all the time that we aren't exclusive.  I get it.  But it's still hard for me to process.

The only answer, or resolution, I can come to is I'm in over my head.  I'm absolutely crazy about the girl but I'm afraid she's not so crazy about me. 

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and ever since then, my eyes has been hurting.  It's irritating the fuck out of me.

Normal.

Take a deep breath.  I have to remind myself of that.

I spent most of the day covered in hives.  Why?  Because I was with Skye.  :)  Today was the first day that we were...more than snuggled up in her bed...if that makes any sense?  We did things together.  She went to my eye doctor and I went to the chiropractor with her.  It was so......normal.  And she is so amazingly gorgeous. 

If she knew...like if she really knew...what she does to me...she'd know she's wasting her time with anyone else.  :) 

Kissed.

I just realized last night was the first time she kissed me.

And, it was good.

OMG.

Sweet jeezus...just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...she went and got her hair cut.  I can not fucking stand it.  She's...omg.  Omg.  That's really all I have the ability to say.  For the love of gawd...she's so fucking yummy.

She makes my skin feel good.  She makes my arms tingle.  And as I was leaving last night, she pulled me back, pressed me up against the wall...put her hand on my face and kissed me. 

GEEZUS.

I'm still fucking smiling. 

And, I moan about it at random.  I was in the car this morning, all by myself, and just thought about it and it made my breath catch in my throat.  I'm in a permanent state of hivey these days.

Omg.  Really, that's all I can say.

Weaverized.

Maybe she's just brilliant and she knows once I get something I stop wanting it?

Grrrr.

I think, for the most part, girls I've dated have been a comfort.  I was attracted to them on more of an intellectual level...and then the physical attraction happened.

With Skye it started out like "Dammit she's freakin' adorable I want!!!" so the physical attraction has been there from before I knew her name.  It is so strong...that it drives me insane. 

The other night, we were snuggling and I was looking at her neck, and ear...and good god...that was enough to almost send me over the edge. 

So I am wicked physically attracted to her. 

I told her I wish I could have her exclusively for just a wee little bit.  She's seeing others...as she has every right to since I'm married.  However, in the grand scheme of things, I don't care how good I am, or how fluttery I make her belly, when it comes down to it...she'll never choose me over a young, unmarried thang. 

She said if I was 15 years younger and not married I'd be her girlfriend.  Those things just bother the hell out of me.  Those lines that society has drawn really suck.  I especially hate that sort of thing when it comes from someone who's already living outside of the box in terms of societial norms.  20 years ago, it wasn't so accepted to be a lesbian, so I suppose 20 years ago the speech would have been, "If you were just a boy, you'd be my boyfriend." 

And, after having said ALLL of this...I also understand that if she's looking for a relationship, obviously I wouldn't be the best choice, as I am married.  But I'm not asking her to marry me.  :)  She's only 23.  She shouldn't be looking for someone to settle down with, she should be looking at me to have fun and lots of snuggles with, dammit!

I wish she'd give me 3 exclusive months...like a 90 day trial relationship.  After 90 days, if she's not fully weaverized, we could go our seperate ways.  :)