Typical.

Ok, so I'm gonna keep track of this stuff.

Two asked me, begged me kinda, to go see Precious with her.  First, as everyone knows she's not my fav person.  Second, the move Precious sounds positively depressing.  Two wanted to go on Saturday, but I have plans, and I told her so.  But then, afterwards I thought, I'm gonna make an effort...so I emailed her and told her I couldn't go on Saturday, but Sunday would work.  So we agree to go on Sunday...but in typical Two fashion, she just cancelled.

And, this is something I know she does.  She's done it countless times before.

So, why be friends with her?

Because if I'm not friends with her I'm hating her, and I don't want to hate. 

Oh, well.  What can I do?  Any advice would be most welcome.

Happy Birthday & Old Resolutions.

My blog is one year old today.  Maybe I'll have some cake.

I come to realize, that I don't do my resolutions in January so much, because I'm still recovering from the holidays and it takes me at least a month to get my head around what I want or need to do for the new year. 

I want to take another look at last years resolutions to see how I've done:  (I know I just did this a few weeks ago, but I need to do it again.)

* Make something creative for my home each month. (Eh, I do good at this in general.)  CHECK.

* Use cloth bags for shopping-no more plastic bags. (I do this and I am very proud of that fact!)  CHECK.  But I need to make sure I keep doing it.

* Walk on the treadmill 1/2 hour, 3 days a week & work out arms to get definition. (Yeah, right.) UNCHECK.  But, I did arrange my room so that I can actually unfold the freakin' thing.  And, now, I'm gonna add it to this years list.

* Get out a debt. (This is the hardest for me...but I will be diligent.) (I've actually done a really good job of doing better with money.)  UNCHECK.  But, we have done an exceptional job of staying on track.

* Eat healthier. Organics, whole grains, fruits, veggies, broiled or baked meat, fish, chicken, fewer sweets, drink more water. (Surprisingly, I've done better with my overall eating habits this year. I've lost about 15 pounds...not bad?)  UNCHECK.  I still don't understand why we eat crap that makes us feel like crap.  I know when I eat that brownie I'm gonna feel drained and icky for the rest of the day...but I still cram the damn thing in.  Why?  I'm sure we can go back to some deep dark childhood issue here...blah blah blah.  I will, once again, add this to my list.

* Get the basement organized & cleaned. (Buy plastic containers with lids for keep stuff. Donate stuff.) (Yeah, not so much. But a little bit...which is better than no bit.)  UNCHECK.  This is my new spring project and it will go on this years list.

* Work to keep my room clean & organized. (I just moved out of the messy room. Ha.)  CHECK.  I mean, it gets messy but the new room is much smaller than the old one, so it's easier to keep a handle on.

* Get the kids rooms painted, redone, etc. (Well, no. Not even close. But the kids moved out over the summer so this became less important.)  UNCHECK.  This will be on my new list as well.  I want to paint all of the rooms.  I just can't do it alone and I need help & Magnum isn't so much into helping me.

* Explorer fixed or traded or both. (Gone baby gone.)  CHECK.  Although, it wasn't exactly a trade up.  My goal would be to get some sort of hybrid SUV.
* Pay off college bill by summer to enroll in summer math course for graduation 2010. (YES! YES! YES! Tomorrow is my math final, and I am so passing the class. Holy Cow! I am all done and ready for a 2010 Spring Graduation!) BIG FAT CHECK!!  I am not a graduate...and I'm a 2009 graduate, a year earlier than planned!!  And, I got a B+ in my math class!!!  I'm enrolling in school in the fall to be an Elementary Education teacher.  Go me.

* Get out of debt and save for Illinios trip...June 21, 2009. (Ok, so we didn't get our summer trip to Illinois, but we are getting a Christmas Trip instead, and I'll take it!!)  CHECK...SORTA.  We did get a Christmas Trip.

* Recycle. (I've done this a bit. It's hard. Of course, it's hard to be passionate about something when those around you aren't so passionate. But this is something I will continue to work on.)  UNCHECK.  But our trash company is offering a new can for recyclables, so I'm hoping that will help.

* Be nice to all...even if I don't wanna. (With the exception of one person...I'm all good.)  CHECK.  I'm being so nice, I'm going to the movies with Two.  How much nicer can I freakin' be?

* No fast food. (Ya know, oddly enough, I didn't even remember that this was a resolution, but I don't eat nearly as much fast food now, as I did before. So, although I do indulge occasionally, I'd say I'm 80% there.)  CHECK.  I'm saying check, because I used to crave fast food, and if I had my way I'd eat it all the time.  Now, I'd rather not so I've been doing a good job at eating at home before I go anywhere.  And, I'm making it a point to make healthy choices.  Fast food is a convenient thing I'm sure I will never stop all together, but this has made me aware of how much I used to consume.  :)

* Believe. (This one has been hard for me. It's been a rough year at times. I will always work on this one though.)  CHECK.  And in order to believe, I have to be positive, which I am working on.

Layout.

I've just spent a few hours looking for a new layout that I like...needless to say, I haven't found one so I've reverted to the original...just for now.  Have no fear people, it will be back to it's quirky self on the 'morrow.

Alone.

I want to whine and bitch and moan and complain that it sucks when you try to be happy & people around you aren't. 

Maybe it's just time to let go.  Maybe there is no more to this.  Maybe this is what it is & all it will ever be and if I want more, I need to let go, and do what I have to do to get where I need to be.

The only thing I know right now is...I'm alone.  Just me.  And although I kinda dig me, sometimes, I just need more. 

Usually I'm good with alone.  Right now, I just wish I wasn't.

Lines.

I want to bend the lines without actually crossing them.  I want to reach soooo far across the line, that it almost feels like I can't stop reaching, that I might fall.   But I know I will never fall.  But I want to know that I could.  Even though I know that I will never. 

I want to be wanted.  I want you to want to bend the lines, reach across, grab me by the hair, pull my face towards yours, look into my eyes, want me, want us, want.  I want to know you want to cross the line.  I want to know you want to touch me, to love me, to take me places I've never been.  I want you to want to hold me, after we make love, and I cry happy tears onto your bare chest.  I want to share a secret smile across the room.  I want you to wear red when you know we'll be seeing each other, just for me.  Our little secret secret, just so I know you want me & you want to bend the lines too.

But I love him.  And, I don't want to cross the line.  I never want to cross the line.  But, I'd like to pretend, to bend, to go as far as I can, without crossing the line. 

How long are your arms?

I'm smiling...right?

So...Two asked me to go the movies...I wasn't excited about the idea...but I thought...ok, well, I'm working on being nice and letting all of this anger go......

So, we are (assuming nothing "comes up") going to the movies on Sunday. 

I think I was just hoping to be cordial.  I wasn't sure I wanted to jump right into the movies.

Be nice.  Be nice.  Be nice. 

I think my main goal, isn't just to be nice.  My goal is to get past my animosity towards her.  I want to understand.  I want to know why she is who she is and I want to know what it is that makes me so upset with her & her friendship with Magnum. 

It wasn't long ago that I loved the idea of having affairs with married men.  I loved it.  I loved that he loved me so much, he'd sneak and lie and cheat for me.  I loved that I was worth that risk.  It made me feel...wanted.  And we all want to be wanted, right?

I know now that that wasn't exactly the case.  I know that I hurt people, and that it was a selfish ugly way to do things.

But, I really do understand how good it feels to be in the moment, to have his hands on me, to feel, at that moment, like he loves me, like just because we can't be together it doesn't mean he doesn't love me, need me, it thrills me to know that he still wants me.

So I get it.

When did I get so effing evolved?  Fuck me.  Now I'm gonna go write some...dreams.  :)

Playing Nice.

So, not only am I playing nice with Two, I'm also playing nice with Pawn. 

Two just asked me to go to the movies & dinner with her on Saturday?  My first reaction was WTF?  But, then I remembered this nice crap...haha...and I had to say nice things.  Of course this Saturday is the first Saturday in a long time that I am completely booked.  So, we'll see where things go from here.

It's funny tho, how completely different Two & Pawn are.  They'd hate each other.  Ha.

Oh, and let the record note, I still and will forever hate Adirondack Community College.  Let me give you an example of why:

Two days ago, I sent a "please send more info" request to Suny Plattsburgh.  Within 30 minutes I had a return email with loads of helpful information.  Not only that, the man who supplied that information also told me he'd take a look at my unofficial transcript and he'd let me know if I would even qualify for admission.  Needless to say, within 3 hours, he told me every thing I needed to do, he gave me a detailed outline of what my two years at Plattsburgh would look like.  He was awesome.  Good. 

Next, my school back in Illinois, is awesome.  I've been working with a woman there, and she has been all kinds of helpful.  Plus I called there yesterday because I needed some info, and I left a message and not five minutes later, they called me back to help me.

Today, I had some questions for ACC.  I called.  This very impatient sounding crabby ass woman answers the phone, and I kindly ask my question.  I think she said, Yeah, yeah.  And then she said, well I can't check on that right now I have a long line at my desk that need help. 

Really?  Oh, ACC.  You are truly pathetic. 

The Plattsburgh guy gave me some advice and told me to try to take a few more classes at ACC, and I was all prepared to do that...but ya know what?  No.  I'm not giving them another dime of my money.  They can bite my postive ass.  :)  I'll spend an extra semester at Plattsburgh if I need to.

Oh, and one last little tidbit.  I stopped taking Ambien about 2 weeks ago...and I'm doin' ok without it.  I'm going to sleep later, but I think I'm sleeping better?  And I'm not half as tired during the day as I used to be.  Whoot. 

Ouch.

My freakin' body hurts.  My hips & lower back and knees and ankles.  Youch.  Pain.  And, I have no clue why.  Magnum says to go to the doctor, except she usually gives me some advice like "use full spectrum lights"...dude...my ass hurts & I need you to fix it.  The answer is not...shine some light on it.  :)

In other news, I'm playing nice with Two.  It takes too much out of me to hate her.  You all can direct me back to this blog when I am regretting playing nice with her in a few weeks.

I took more pics of a band recently.  I really really love it. 

Oh & good good news...I've applied to a college for Elementary Education.  It's close, and teaching is what I've been gonna do since forever.  So I may as well do it.  Yeah yeah, just two weeks ago I was doing interior design...which was exciting...but a little to far out of my comfort zone for me.  After all of my other ideas, I always come back to teaching. 

That's all I got for now.  I'm not even out of bed yet...it's gonna hurt.

Postitively Negative.

I feel like crap today.  And yesterday.  And when I feel icky I get needy and when I get needy I get sensitive and when I get sensitive I get bitchy.  Fun times.

And, again, I'm questioning my marraige.  I'm questioning why we are together and I'm questioning if this is how I want to spend the rest of my life.  Because currently, this isn't good.  And then we add JDRW to the mix, and I don't want to ruin his life by seperating or divorcing and ripping his little family apart.  I fucked up with my other kids, I just really didn't want to fuck up with this one too.

I love Magnum.  But...we just aren't...happy together anymore.  I feel like he hates me most of the time, and I'm sure he feels like I hate him most of the time.

I just...grrrr.  I just don't know sometimes.

Positively Positive Positiveness.

Yeah, I'm working on a new more positive attitude.  See, normally right here I'd type "ugh".  But I'm not gonna do that.

I'm really gonna work on taking anything that I currently consider a negative, and making it a positive, or at least a neutral.  The negative wears me out. 

And, I'm drugged due to outrageous mind numbing back pain...so now I must stop writing.  :) 

More on this new concept later.

Action.

I need some action.  Really.  My dreams are out of control. 

MLK

"Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends."

This is just a quote I pulled from Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have A Dream" speech.

+ or -

So, if you are my friend, and you are a positive force in my life, I'm gonna keep you around and do what I can to be a positive force in yours.

But I was thinking earlier, that I have some friends who will be my friends forever.  We've bonded, we've made it through good & bad, and that's what I want in my life.  That's why I am so picky about who I let "in".  And, that number does grow, but very very gradually.

I'm not a nice girl.  I know this.  I'm moody and crabby and if I don't like you or if you piss me off, guess what, you know it.  But the thing is, I think I'm always open to the thought of liking just about anyone.  But, you have to make an impression, to hold my interest.  And, if you can make it past all of the bullshit I try to hide behind, then you'll find me.  And, me is good to find.

Then there are those other people.  The ones that I call "friend" but really, they aren't?  We all have those right?  We'll say "oh, that's my friend so & so..." but really you don't know them?  And, really, come to think of it, you really have nothing in common...and really they kinda get on your nerves. 

What's the point?

It's out with the negative & in with the positive.

If you are a positive force in my life.  You are in.  If you are a negative force, not so much.

But thank you for playing.

Oh, fun.

So, a few days ago Pawn tagged me and asked me if I was still collecting glasses (over the summer I collected some Coke glasses, which just sit around now and collect dust) because she had one she was "saving" for me.  So I told her I really didn't want it.  She continued to say she was gonna be in the area and she could just drop it off.  Yeah, I wasn't interested.  In the glass.  Or her stopping by.

So, she goes to Magnum.  She tells him she's thinking of stopping by.  She and Magnum are still chummy. 

Long story longer, Pawn shows up today, walks right in my front door without knocking. 

The worst part for me was that I had a plan for the day, and it got fucked up because I had to play nice with someone I really don't want to play nice with.

And the frosting on the cake?  She made sure to mention her relationship with Ogre. 

Fun times on the farm.

Bachelor.

So.  This is what I'm gonna be when I grow up.  Am I crazy???  I definately don't think I'll get bored.  I've never really done anything like this, so it will challenge me. 

I am sooooooooooo freakin' excited.

Drawing.

I totally registered for "Intro To Drawing" last night.  This should be fun.

Second.

My second resolution...

If you want me, you know where to find me.  I'm tired of being the wooer.  If you want me, you have to woo me. 

So, get on it.

Yes, I mean you.

One Resolution.

I've only got one resolution so far, but there will be more.

1.  Get Organized.  I know this is a resolution every year, but really, I need  to get organized.  Make places for things, put them in their places....we have tons of room in this house but no organization. 

One down.  How many more to go??

Focus.

I've been trying to write this blog for a while, but I lack focus.  :)  I open my blog and see my friends blogs and start reading...and so on and on...and by the time I get back to my blog...well you see where that's going, right?

I'm going to work on my resolutions.  They will be posted soon.

Our trip to Illinois was awesome.  Anyone who has never been to St. Louis just doesn't know what they are  missing.  It is the most amazing city ever.  And they have this museum.  If you ever go to St. Louis, you need to go there.  There's more to write about the trip, but I need to put it together in my head before I write.

We got a Wii.  Well, technically JDRW got a Wii for a combo Christmas/Birthday Gift.  My brother had one at his house, and JDRW fell in love.  I must admit, I like it too, although the only game I've played is Bowling.  (I'm excited about getting my own controller though.)

I got to see Ney.  I begged her to come home with me.  She refused.  Sadface.

My kids are amazing.  And, one of two things is going to happen soon.  Either we are going to figure out a way to move there, or the kids are moving back here.  I will never let them live with their father again.  Oh, and on that note, one night while we were there, BD texted Magnum and thanked him for being such a great dad.  It made me weepy.

Magnum and I got along awesomely.  And I think it had something to do with this:  When we are here, it feels like Me against Magnum & the world.  There it was Me & Magnum against the world.  We were a unit there.  Here, not so much.  But I really think he's working at being less impatient and crabassy.  And there is no Two in Illinois, and that alone makes me happy times a thousand.

And, that's all I got for now.