How?

I posted that last post, I got up, and my spirit was high.  I felt renewed, refreshed, inspired. 

Shortlythereafter, I was hit head on by something I'd forgotten all about.  Reality.  What do I do with all of these negative people I'm surrounded by?  I know how to be positive, but I get so unpositive so quickly when I look around and I'm all alone.  There's nobody helping me do anything.  At all.  Ever. 

I was inspired so I was going to go outside and work in the garden, but Teenager 2 came home and asked what was for dinner.  I told him BLT's and they'd be ready around 6.  Except it was 6:20 already.  So I dropped my plan to plant, and made dinner.  I call out "dinner's ready".  No one eats.  Except JDRW, who I am responsible for feeding.  Where is everyone else?  Why am I making dinner, feeding people, cleaning up?  So I take my dinner into the living room, where Magnum is sorting brass, loudly.  Granted, he was there first.  He asks if I want to watch something else, and of course I do because I've had about enough of man shows, so after 10 minutes of flubbing around to try to record the show he was watching, and me being mostly done with my dinner already, we get to the show I want to watch.  But then, he's sorting brass.  Clink clink clink clink clink clink Clink clink clink Clink.  Then JDRW says he needs more dinner.  So I say to Magnum, you can watch whatever you want, I can't watch TV right now.  He says, "Why because I'm being so loud?"  Well, yeah that and JDRW needs more food and the house needs to be cleaned and the laundry needs to be washed and when that's all done I'm sure there's still MORE that is my responsibility. 

I told Magnum a few days ago that either something had to change or I wanted to seperate.  He said he's not a fan of the seperation idea, so something would have to change.  And it has.  He just stopped bitching.  But his feelings didn't change.  He didn't change.  He just stopped verbalizing his disappointment.  He and Teenager  2 are ALWAYS at odds with each other.  It wears me out.

This is gonna end TODAY.  Sorry people, things are about to change. 

Mama's about to make a list.

OWNed.

So, I'm channel chasing and I stop on OWN, The Oprah Winfrey Network.   There's a show on, and it's pretty much just Oprah Winfrey sitting in front of a camera telling her story.  I have never been as inspired or as fascinated by ANYONE in my life than I am right now, at this moment.   It's called Oprah Winfrey, The Master Class.  I need to DVR it so I can watch it every day.  It's amazing.

It validates me.  The words coming out of her mouth are the exact words I try to say, but stumble over.  When you say things like this, people look at you like you're nuts.

I heard Liz Phair say something once about being of a "higher consciousness".  And, I really try to stay in that state of mind.  Lately I've certainly swayed very far from that.

Right now.  Right here.  I've gone back to being on a higher plane.  I've been here before and took a wrong turn and got lost.  Like GPS for my soul, Oprah has just lead me back to my path.

It seems so...what's the word???  So...cliche?  Everyone believes in Oprah.  Everyone has been inspired by Oprah.

But I don't care.  She has just inspired me.  I won't go back.

SignOut?

So, this computer of Magnum's will NOT let me log out of blogger.  I click on sign out, it does it's little thing, but then it's right back to my dashboard.  I can not sign out.  WTF?  I even restarted the computer thinking that might help.  No such luck.  How do I sign out if it refuses to sign me out?

Heavy.

My head fucking aches.  It's been aching all day, and it's making me so crabby and short tempered.  I should write more but grrrrrrr.  I have a heavy heart.  Yes, it sucks. 

Home.

Part of my home (home as in "home is where the heart is", not my literal home), part of my midwest, was devastated by tornados this week.  It's heart breaking to see a complete town flattened by mother nature.  If you'd like to donate or offer any support you can do so here. 

And I have 2 things to say about this...

First, I am amazed, in a WTF sorta way, that on the news you see people whose lives have been literally uprooted, who've lost everything, who say, "I just praise the Lord that he saved us."  Or any other Godism.  Really?  So your town is demolished by a tornado, 100 + people people are dead, the town will be forever changed, and you are thanking God because he saved you?  What makes you so special that God saved you and let the others die?  Why didn't your God, who is almighty and powerful (and not at all a figment of your fucking imagination) save the town?  Save the innocent people?  Where was God when the teenager got sucked out of his car through the sunroof?  Hmmm?  I guess whatever gets people through.  Some of us turn to chocolate, some of us turn to God.  To each his own. 

Second, you know what?   Even tho they are a buncha bible thumpin' fools, :) I LOVE my midwest.  I love my Missouri.  And, this is what I love the most.  People will help each other.  People will band together.  The people are good people.  They will pick up.  They will rebuild.  They will overcome.  And they will do it together with a positive attitude.  Everyone is family.  It warms my heart, and makes me miss home.  And it makes me proud to say I'm a midwest girl.  I love my midwest.

Blast.

I got "talked" to at work today.  It's a bunch of crap.  But whatever.  I knew before I took the job that the boss was a power hungry person who needs everyone to know she's the boss.  She also doesn't give a rats fat ass about the residents.  So I have a hard time with her giving me a "talk".  Afterwards I went to my office and I made a list of all of the things she "talked" to me about, my initial reaction, and how I would remedy the situation.  I'm still pretty perturbed, but what can you do?  (Actually, I'm keeping a Log of every minute of my day from now on, so that if I ever get another "talk" I can present her with facts about my days.)

Grrr.  What I came to here to whine about was my marriage and how I need to leave and don't know how but I'm sick of hearing it, so I know everyone else must be.  Tonight I let Teenager 2 use the truck to go to his friends house, to put in an application at a job, and to take flowers to his girlfriend because she's sick.  I told Magnum that I let him take the truck to put in job applications.  But I knew any second Magnum was going to mention Teenager 2 should be home by now...so I finally just said to Magnum that I hated how I feel because I let Teenager 2 use the truck and I know that Magnum will be mad about it, even tho there is no reason for him to be mad.  FUCK.  Nevermind.  It's just stupid fucking rambling anyway.

Funny how some days are great and then there's a whole stretch of days that just plain suck sweaty hog balls.

Oh, and about the marriage thing.  Today we were home alone for a couple minutes and I was in the kitchen with my back to the counter just kinda leaning back.  Magnum came over and leaned his back up against me and I had my head on his shoulder and it made me cry because that's how it used to be.  The smell of him, the comfort of him, the safety of him, the warmth of him.  And I cried because it just doesn't feel like that anymore.  For a second I let myself pretend that he was that same man that used to make me feel all of those things, but he isn't.  I don't know when or why he isn't like that anymore, he's just not. 

I wish there was someone who could help me.  Someone who would support me.  Someone who would help me make sense of how I feel.  Someone who could make me not be so afraid.  Ha.  That someone used to be Magnum, and now I need someone like that because of Magnum.  Isn't life a blast?

Hard.

So I figured out the hard part.  It's actually a two part hard part.  And this is it:  If I get pissed, I give up.  And, when I feel less than worthy, I give up.  It's a self...what's the word?  A self destructive sort of thing.  There's a word.  Help me out here folks.

Now, on to other news.

Cole is turning out to be a really good friend to me.  I found out recently (that he only confided in me) that he is currently separated from his wife.  Now, get this.  When I thought he was happily married, I was all about flirting with him, but as soon as he told me he was separated, I freaked a little.  I guess he's pretty much been separated since I met him.  I feel bad for him.  He talks to me about his marriage and asks my advice and HELLO, I am not the one to give marital advice.  Anyway...I dreamed about him last night...and in my dream he and I and some skinny long haired cute blond girl were at an event where I had an office.  And she was saying something flirty to him and I said, "What are you like 12?" because she looked so young.  And to prove to me that she wasn't 12 she kissed him.  Twice.  Then they left together, then I saw them later sitting together in his car.  I was soooo freakin' pissed.  If he's gonna cheat, it better be with me.  Haha.  But I believe I've gotten past that stage.  I think he's slowly seriously becoming my Cooper.  (If you don't know who Cooper is, tune into Private Practice sometime...he's best friends with a female character named Violet on the show.)

Ok, enough about that.  Moving on to a new girl.  Shut up.  She's not new really.  I've emailed with her a time or two, and she's best friends with a friend of mine.  Back when I talked to her, I so wasn't in dating mode, so it was just lite friendly conversation.  But, yesterday I was checking out her facebook, and I gotta tell ya, she's HOT.  So I texted my friend, and asked her what was up with the girl.  My friend said "Well, she sees someone but she lives far away."  So I texted back and said "Well, I have a husband, I'm sure we could work something out."  :)    I'd love to post a pic of her here, but then someone I know, knows her and it just snowballs from there.  :)  I told her friend to have her hit me up.  :)

I've also learned...Dr. Sunshine was indeed right.  It's like my mood is plugged into the sun.  If it's sunshiny & warm outside, I can do anything.  I have hope.  I'm happy.  I love.  But when the sun isn't shiny, and it's cold, stay the fuck away from me or I will stab you in the eye with a fork.  :)  But, I don't think it's just the sunshine, I think it's mostly the warmth. 

My marriage still sucks.  I don't know if Magnum even knows or realizes that I'm at this point.  I run the options through my head over and over, and usually leaving is the only one that makes sense.  He always says it's because I hate this place-and I do.  But if I felt loved and cherished...if he had compassion and passion and positivity, I'd stay here forever.  But he doesn't.  Yesterday was the first time I've seen even a glimmer of hope in him. 

And, that's all I got for now.  I could ramble on but I'm sure you're bored by now.  Thanks for reading.  :)

TheOnlyThing.

So, at some point tonight (it was sometime between 10 & 10:30pm, while I was having a shower bath-it's a bath but I keep the shower on, with the spray pointed so it's not slamming me in the face)...anyway...where was I?  Oh, yeah, so I decided that the only thing standing between me and who I want to be, is me.  Me.  There are so many things I can't change, so many things I have no control over.  The one and only thing I have total control over is my body. 


Let me go back just a smidge...

I'm not a skinny chic.  I haven't been since about 1990.  And, seriously, just the other day I was standing in front of my bathroom mirror wearing just my purple bra and these cute little red polka dotted boy short style undies, and I liked the way I looked.  Soft and curvy.  I looked like the kinda girl I want to snuggled into at night.  

Now, that being said, I've also been struggling with my weight lately.  It isn't a looks thing, so much as a health thing.  And a comfort thing.  My jeans are feeling a little snug, I get winded walking up just one flight of stairs, and given my family history, it would be in my best interest to not follow my family's history.

So, I've been a bit depressed lately over my weight.  I mean not so much so that I'm sitting here eating bon bons and crying into my chocolate cake.  I'm still a confident woman.  But, I know my life would be greatly improved if I were healthier.

And the only thing stopping me from being healthier, is me.  Every time I eat a cupcake, or drink a soda, I'm making a choice. 

It's up to me to do something about it.  It seems like such an unachieveable goal. 

It's all up to me.

NaughtyorNice?

I want to write but I keep deleting and backspacing because what I have to say seems so wrong and naughty.

But, I do love the being naughty part.

Grrrr.   My poor friend...who I'll call July...has gotten an earful of my naughty this week.  :)

And, if figures, that as soon as I decide to be naughty, Ogre moves away. 

I can't get enough of...I guess I'll have to give him a name...Cole...anyway...I can't get enough.  And even better, I think he can't get enough of me.

There's SO much more I want to ramble on about. 

I will say this I like it that he thinks of me.  :)

AdjustThisPlease. :)

Hahahahahaha....just go with it....

I go into my chiropractors office.  He's looking so fucking cute I can't stand it.  There's another patient in the office, but as he comes around the corner, and sees me, he gives me a big private smile.  I wait patiently while he finishes making an appointment for his last patient of the day.  As the  patient leaves and door closes, he turns around in his chair, leans back in a relaxed comfortable way and says, Hey there bitch.   :)  We chat for a few seconds and all I can do is look at his mouth and think of licking his bottom lip.  I know that that's a fantasy and it will never come to fruition, but I fantasize just the same.  Finally, we go into the room, where the adjustment will take place and he says, Go face down, bitch.  I lay on the table, as he adjusts my neck and back.  When he's adjusting me, he's all business.  He kicks into doctor gear.  And, it is so sexy.  Then he tells me to sit up, and he comes around in front of me and puts his hands on either side of my face, in the neck adjustment position.  I close my eyes, and whisper, "be gentle".  He doesn't answer.  He doesn't move.  Then, he says, "I want to kiss you."  It's a whisper.  So quiet and sincere I almost think I imagined it.  But then, his hands are on my face, and he pulls my mouth to his.  Gently, he kisses my mouth.  At first, I don't move.  I don't kiss him back.  I don't breathe.  Surely this isn't happening.  But it is...his hands in my hair, his body pressing up against mine, our breathing deep and wanting.  I open my mouth to protest, to tell him how we can't possibly do this, but when I open my mouth, his tongue slips in, gently, lovingly, sweetly.  And, I am kissing him back.  Tasting him for the first time.  Savoring every tingle that shoots through my body. 

Fuck...then I wake up.

:)