WaitingList.

It was driving me nuts having 14 followers.  I mean, I was happy to have 14 followers, but I'm a numbers person, and 14 wasn't really doing it for me.  Now when I log on, I see "15 Followers" and it makes me happy. 

I just spent a few minutes reading through other peoples blogs, and...wait I totally just lost my thought because the dog fell off of the bed...oh, yeah...and people all seem so busy.  And I realized, I love to be busy.  I thrive at busy.  And, I'm not busy.  At all.  I'm laying around doing not much of anything these days.  I don't like it.

I've applied to a few different places for jobs.  Yesterday I sent in a resume for my favorite option so far.  I want to cross my fingers and toes and pray to a god I don't believe in...whatever I need to do to get the job.  However, I'm also a firm believer in "If I'm supposed to get it, I will."   I'm really excited about a job outside of my home.  Of course, I'm sure I'll change my mind about that after I've spent a few weeks "out".  But for now, the excitement is nice.  And surprisingly, for me, I'm excited about getting dressed up in fancy office attire and ugly shoes and looking professional.  I've never been excited about that sort of thing before.  As a matter of fact, it was one of the things I loathed about professionalness.  Now, I'm so excited!!!

Oh,  and in case anyone was wondering...I dropped my classes.  Apparently, fall spins me out of control, and I just couldn't seem to regain control in time to save my ass in my classes.  It pisses me off, while at the same time I know that it was something that really couldn't be avoided.  Hopefully, I'll get back in in the spring. 

Is there more I need to say right now?  I really probably need a list.  Lists give me hope.  But right now, my feet are cold, I have to pee, and it's nap time.  The list will wait.

15!

15th Follower gets a prize!!!  So, Follow Me!

FlowerToes.

I'm lovin' my big ol' feet background on my blog.  :)

Widow.

Last week Magnum, before he goes to work, comes up and sits on the bed next to me and says, "So, are we still in an open relationship?"  Hahahaha.  I said, "Ummm, yeah?"  Then he went on to talk to me about some sales girl he met.  :)  I told him, he could have his salesgirl if I could have Walter.  Without hesitation he said, "Ok".  So, does he like the sales girl that much?  Or does he think Walter is so far out of my league I could never have him? 

Maybe Walter is a little far fetched, but I saw him last week, and I've never felt quite so much flirty tension before.  :)  I leave out of there all flustered.  Holy crap.  And, it's soooo not me doing the flirting.  I mean, I am sweet and all, but I'm not flirting... much.   He walked in, did a double take and said, "Wow you look good."  So, either I looked really good, or it was just such a major improvement over last time, that he was shocked?  He asked me how I was, as he's supposed to, and I said good and then I asked him how his life was going...anyway, I totally caught him looking at my cleavage.  :)  Then he said, he wanted to see me in six months.  And I, in my best whiny voice, said "Six months?  That's soooo long."  So, he said, "Yeah it is a long time, let's go with three."  Hahahaha.  So, Happy Birthday To Me, as that's when I'll be seeing him next.  Except, he asked about a flu shot and I turned him down.  But, if he's the one that will be administering it, I might have to take him up on it. 

What else?

Tap tap tap?

We still don't have snow.  Which is all good I guess.  But if it's going to be cold, I think there should be snow. And, the rule is, we don't get our Christmas tree until the first snow in December.  Cross your fingers for December 1st.

I'm a Hunter's Widow until Christmas...or until Magnum gets a deer.  Either way, it gets kinda frustrating to spend EVERY weekend from Halloween to Christmas by myself with teenagers, dogs, and a five year old imp.  Not to mention the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning...blah blah blah.  :)   When do I get my hunting season?  When do I get to spend from dusk til dawn for 12 weekends, sitting around doing nothing but whatever I want to do???  Hmmmm?  If it wasn't so freaking cold, I'd take up hunting, just to be able to sit in the quiet for a few hours!  :)

My last day at my current "occupation" will be December 10th.  Whoot.  I'm excited and scared.  I haven't really got anything else lined up yet.  But, I'm excited about possibility and hope.  :)

I just heard a gunshot.  Maybe my widow days are over.  Or maybe they've just begun.  Haha, that's so wrong. 

CherryPie.

As anyone who knows me knows, my mother and I aren't best friends.  We never have been.  When I was little, if she liked something, I liked the opposite of something.  I don't know if it was intentional, or just a difference in personality, but we've just never been "that" kinda mother & daughter.

But I gotta tell you, during this time of year, I miss her.  I miss my whole family really badly.  I'm to the point where I just don't even enjoy the holidays, because my family isn't with me.

So the point is, I teared up in the baking aisle at the grocery store today because I saw cherry pie filling.  See, my mother and I were never best friends, and we had opposite tastes, so every year, she and my grandma would bake pies.  Chocolate, Lemon, Pumpkin, Pecan...none of which were high on my likeability list.  So, one year, in my early 20's, my mother started making me my very own Cherry Pie.  It was sooo good.  She didn't just open a can off filling and pour it into a crust.  She made it from scratch.

And I miss it.

HolidayHoHum.

Warning:  I may ramble.

I am bored with life.  OMG.  I'm just so bored.  It's being here in NY.  I need to get out more and meet people.  I hate it that for Thanksgiving, no one will be here.  Granted we go elsewhere for dinner, but it's soooo NY.  And when dinner's over, we go home...blah blah blah.  In my family, you stay FOREVER at dinner, it's loud and crowded and people are grabbing food and gabbing away and kids are running around and there's this whole chaos thing...and it's awesome.  And then, after we stay at whoever's hosting, we leave and meet up at someone elses house for games and playing & singing songs.  It's just such a jovial time.  Here, it's like, "please pass the turkey.  O, this turkey is so delicious."  No chaos.  No crazies.  I miss the fucking crazies.  Then, the day after thanksgiving my family has this huge fundraiser, and I've never gotten to go.  Sucks balls.  This year my brother is putting on a little mini concert and I sooo wish I could be there to see it.

And, decorating the house just seems so...eh.  Like, sure, it needs to be cute for us, but NO ONE ever comes over.  No one will be here for Christmas.  We'll sit around, be lazy.  There's no craziness.  There's no grandma burning candied yams, there's no smoke filled kitchen, there's no laughter, there's no cousins chasing each other through the house with their shiny new toys. 

Sigh. 

Here we have family we NEVER see.  Grandkids we never see.  A daughter we never see.  A brother we never see.  They are all so fucking mean and selfish around here, that no one gets together to celebrate anything. 

I should be excited right now.  I should be cleaning and organizing for putting up the tree.  But, I have no motivation.

There ya go, rant all done.

BigBreastsShortLegs.

I decided today that I was going to figure out how to winter my turkeys because I love them.  I was ready to do whatever it takes to get them through.

I love them.  I love how they follow me to the bus, to greet JDRW.  I love it that they follow me to the mailbox.  I love how they waddle when they walk...they look just like little mini dinosaurs.  I love it that I know all of their personalities so well.

Love.  

As it turns out...I'll be saying good-bye to them soon.

During my research, I discovered that the Broad Breasted White turkey's were created for meat.  They are meant to be eaten.  They can't reproduce because their breasts are too big and their legs are too short (Haha, I know a few girls like that.).  Anyway, because of their size, if you don't use them for food, they will die (some as early as 10 months old) because their hearts and skeletons aren't strong enough to support their fat asses.

Leave it to me to fall in love with something that's doomed from creation.

Fail.

I decided earlier tonight that I'd get rid of things that make me feel as though I've failed.  My Etsy account, for starters.  I just don't use it, and it weighs on me.  My textbooks, which lay on the end table, mocking me, reminding me that I couldn't hang.  My turkeys, which we can't winter, but I can't eat.  "Friends" that I just don't have time to be friendly too (or who don't seem to have time to be friendly to me).

But then I thought, if I were really getting rid of things that I felt as though I've failed at, I'd be a lonely naked shell of a person.

I'd have to add to the list:  Parenting, Marriage, Employment, Money&Bills, My Messy Ass Bedroom, My Ass, All of the half finished projects I've started....the list could go on forever.

I can't sleep tonight, so even sleeping can be added to failing.

I couldn't wait for today to be over, so I could start fresh tomorrow.  And here I am, awake, prolonging my night, so I have to wait that much longer to get to tomorrow. 

When I was younger, a night like this would mean something bad was going to happen.  I used to think it was pretty cool, my ability to see into the future, to predict the demise of someone. 

I don't think it's cool anymore. 

I just want to sleep.

Fail.

Tired.

It's crazy how I can't write when I'm crabby.  I don't even know why I'm crabby today.  I woke up crabby. 

I'm tired of two year olds who still put EVERYTHING in their mouths.  I'm tired of snotty runny nosed kids who lick their snot (I mean REALLY??).  I'm tired of parents who can't wash their kids faces before bringing them into public.  I'm tired of not being appreciated.  Oh, and, I'm tired.  I'm tired of applying for jobs and not hearing back.  I'm tired of washing dishes.  I'm tired of cooking dinner.  I'm tired of taking care of everyone else, while no one takes care of me.  I'm tired of things being harder than they have to be.  I'm tired of money.  Things have to get better, right?

WutheringWhat?

I've never read Wuthering Heights.  Couldn't even tell you what it was about, or who wrote it.

But in my writing yesterday, the woman is helping the man to choose a book for his grandmother, and they find a first edition of Wuthering Heights.  I just thought that shit right up outta no where. 

So, today, I decided to do my research and find out how much my dude would have to pay for a first edition of Wuthering Heights.  

Great.  It's the rarest of first editions.  And, so my dude has to either be crazy or loaded, not to even mention the chances of the woman having the book in her store...yes it's THAT rare.  It could be an interesting little piece to my story, or I could change my book choice.  Either way, I just found it a bit funny that I'd pick THAT book.

Writing.

I'm writing again.  Whoot.  And, I love the story.  Love. 

Here's a little fact for you...Turkey's will eat the fuck out of your jackolanterns.  Just so ya know.

Halloween is over, and now it can snow.  Snow snow snow.  Outside is just so ugly right now.  But when it snows, it's sooo pretty.

I really don't have much to say as my head is in my writing.  For the rest of the month people will ask me "what's wrong?"  or they'll say "you're awful quiet today"...yeah, it's because I'm writing.  When I'm writing, I'm ALWAYS writing.  In my head...I write and write and work out all of the kinks...and then I sit and type it all out.  Tis pretty cool.  A creative writing teacher once told me that was impossible.  But she can bite me.  She was one of those people who wrote a novel, and mentions it no less than 20 times during class.  Ha.

Anyway...I'm writing...so I must go.  :)  If you don't hear from me...that's why.