Taco?

Dear Wicked Cute Girl That Works At Taco Bell In Amsterdam,

Dammmmmiiiittttt.  That was the best thing I've seen lately. 

:)

So we go to taco bell, and I'm kinda oblivious to what's going on around me...and we order and then when I go back up to get my food...holy crap...there's this outrageously cute girl handing me my food.  I'm pretty sure my whole expression when from "Imcrabbyihavecrampsdonttalktome to How You Doin' in about half a second. 

Then she's wiping down tables...and Magnum was talking to me.  I hope there isn't gonna be a quiz later on what we talked about.  :) 

So, we go shopping later...and Magnum says..."there's your girl" and I look and there she is walking along so I just have to cross her path...and I say...are you following me? and she smiles and says maybe you're following me...and I smiled at her and say...maybe.  :)  And off we went in our own directions.  Magnum said she was smiling and blushing like crazy.

Fun times in Amsterdam baby.  I'm already craving a taco.  (Keep your taco comments to yourselves, please.  Thanks.)  :)

Logo.

:)  The logo of one of my favorite girls ever.    Good good good god.

Dick.

Our animals are soooo fucked up. I mean really. How many people do you know, that have to yell at their dog, "PETE LET GO OF YOUR DICK!" Good God.

DidYouHearMyEyesRoll?

The Happiness Project. O, boy. I want to be happy. I try to be happy. Others around me seem to squish the happy right out of me.

So...I suppose...I'm gonna do this little happy happy happy project thingy. I don't know if I'm gonna follow The Happiness Project blog to do it...but every stinkin' day...even when I don't wanna...I'm gonna do something happy.

Hopefully, it'll rub off of others. Or maybe I'll have to smear it in their faces.

See how happy I am already?

Oh, and for the Month of May my Twitters are all gonna be happy quotes.

Ouch.

OUCH. OUCH. OUCH.

Ten.

I now have 10 followers.

It's a milestone.

If you aren't already following...make my day & follow me. :) It'd be extra special if you have a blog that you'd like to share with me.

BillBitch.

Grrrr.

I tried to pay a bill just now. My name isn't on the account. So the lady was a cunt about it. I could pay the bill......she'd sure as fuck take my money...but she wouldn't give me any details. Like what the amount needed to be...because I didn't have the most recent bill sitting here in front of me. I mean, I gave her his ss number, his birthday and our freaking address. She wanted to know if he was here?? No bitch, he works outside of the home, that's why I'm calling.

Grrrr.

Yeah, even when I'm pissed I laugh at myself

And, I use the word cunt, a lot. If you haven't noticed.

Fantasy.

Imagine a movie:

Wife is laying in bed...between white sheets and a fluffy yellow down comforter. Husband comes in and sits on the bed next to her. She stretches as she opens her eyes and sees him sitting there looking at her. He pushes her hair out of her face and smile and says "morning baby, did you have a good sleep?" She smiles and says mmm hmmm.

Then he says, I have something to tell you. Um, I wanted to tell you sooner, but I didn't want to jinx anything. I know how much you miss your family back in Iowa...so I sold the house and we are moving.....

It's my story, I can tell it any way I want.

RemindMe.

So, to put an end, or at least a little relief to our current tiff, I send him a text that says I love you. I hear nothing back for hours. Then he calls and says I love you too.

He has a trip today. So, he was supposedly having lunch with some old pal of his and didn't want to be interupted so he left his phone in the truck. So he says, when he came back out to his truck...there was the text message from me...and a missed call from Two.

So, we are in the midst of this little fight we're having, I attempt to reconcile a little, and Two pops up.

Why do I keep doing this? Someone fucking remind me.

OneHourLater.

Now it's 1:09am...and guess who's STILL not sleeping?

Ramble.

Note the time. Here, let me help you out. It's 12:09am...a time when I should be sleeping.

I don't understand. Am I fucking stupid? Am I just not getting it? I just don't know what the fuck else I'm supposed to do.

I try. Fuck. I really want to make it work.

But it doesn't. And it hasn't for a long long time. The only reason it appears to work, is because, up until now, I've refused to give up.

I think I don't want to refuse anymore.

I know there are other people, other couples, who don't get along...or who are unhappy. I know my "situation" isn't special.

But what is special? Me. And what I don't deserve? Unhappiness.

I don't want to ramble on about a bunch of stuff that pisses me off. I don't want to ramble on about why I'm still fucking awake and he is sleeping soundly on the couch. I don't want to ramble on about how I feel like I'm trying trying trying to be better and do better...and well...here I am...writing a ramble.

I just want peace. I just want to be content. At the end of the day, I want to have a good sigh...remember those?

Progress.

I accomplished a lot today. Although, if you walked through my front door right now, you might not think so.

It's a work in progress. Normally, I would not go to bed unless my house was fairly straightened (or at least know I could get up 1/2 hour early and get it straightened before I start "work"). I think it's likely that the dining room will be finished tomorrow...with maybe a good start on the kitchen. But, it's kinda hard for me to go to bed with the mess.

I cleaned out the entire china cabinet, which hasn't really been cleaned like that since I've lived here, and probably not for at least a few years before I lived here. I packed up one whole box of stuff to sell. I cleaned out the drawer in the dry sink. And that, pretty much, whilst actually doing my job, is what I accomplished today. :)

ReReReReRe.

My house is currently (as of about 11am today) under RE. Reconstruction, reorganization, refurbination, repurposation, rearrangation.

I think, in the past, I've always thought that I could get up on a Saturday and work on organizing & cleaning my house, and by Monday morning it would be all done and nice and sparkly.

And, truth be told, most Monday mornings, it does look sparkly...at least the stuff you can see is.....

But, this time, I'm not just making things sparkle. I'm deep down cleaning. Top to bottom, floor to ceiling, attic to basement to garage to barns.

So far I've...washed the front door, cleaned about 1/5th of the baseboards in the dining room, cleaned & Pledged 1/2 of the china cabinet, and mopped and shined about 1/15th of the dining room floor. (I'm writing because I'm waiting for the floor to dry so I can rearrange some stuff and move on to the next phase.)

I emailed Magnum & told him I can't do it alone, he'll have to help. We'll see how that goes.

I've given us a month to get it done. I'm not talking about painting walls or reflooring floors. I'm just talking about organzing. Repurposing furniture & shelves. Cleaning baseboards and doors. The stuff that isn't really too much fun, but the final product will be well worth the effort. And chaos.

Let the chaos continue...here I go. Whhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Eh.

So, I have been drug free for 3 days/nights now. Brace yourselves. :) I decided last week, that when I ran out of Ambien, I was going to not get it refilled. I also decided, to only take my PMDD meds, for the prescribed week of PMS, rather than for the whole month. I have semi replaced the PMDD stuff with St. John's Wort & Magnesium. I've also gone back to taking a vitamin daily.

My decision pivoted on a few different pros/cons issues. The Ambien, although I sleep like a log, leaves me feeling groggy. And, I think, it has become quite a crutch. I believe, that with a little discipline (shut up all of you people who know me...I can be disciplined...no not spanked...although...wait that's a whole different blog...) I can, through routine and various other calming concepts, learn how to sleep better at night. The PMDD stuff...well...the biggest issue I have with it...is it just kinda numbs me? I'm very Eh about a lot of things. And I think I'd rather be passionate or angry than Eh. And, sex? With the PMDD meds, forget about it. I went from being a very sexual being...to being Eh.

I don't wanna be Eh...so I hope this stuff works. :) And, in the meantime, if I seem a little snippy...don't hold it against me. :)

Note: I've been taking Prozac (the PMDD med) for 2 years now...and did not know it. WTF? I get the generic version...and no one ever mentioned it was Prozac. I only discovered this today when I googled the generic name from the bottle. Oy.

BuggedOut.

So, we went out back earlier today...to target shoot.

Then we went to dinner. Just before we get there, I feel an itch on my neck, and sure enough, I pull a tick off my neck. I freak out a lil bit with ticks. I was kinda squeeling, and tell Magnum to take it.

Then, and this creeps me out and will haunt me for a while.....we are sitting there at dinner, and I'm talking, and Magnum and I both look over at JDRW at the same time and there's a tick crawling out of his hair and down his forehead. It gave me goose bumps. Ick.

Like something from a movie...Attack of The Ticks.

Marry.

When I was younger, as many other young women do, I thought marraige meant happily ever after. We find our soul mate, we live in a quaint little neighborhood, raise our perfect children, and play fetch with our black lab. We can thank our society for that idea.

Then, I grew up.

Don't get me wrong, I am indeed happily married, I do have perfect children and the requisite black lab. But, as many people discover, it's not all butterflies and rainbows and happy happy happy.

It's hard. Two people, move all of their "baggage" into one household, two planets colliding to form a whole new universe in itself. Things are bound to get messy.

But, at the end of the day, when the dog has literally eaten your left shoe, and your perfect child has a meltdown in the electronics department of Target, and dinner, because you are so busy taking care of everyone else, has consisted of stale pretzels, lemonade, and cheese that you aren't quite sure is supposed to be that color, you are indeed, thankful, for that warm body that is snuggled up to you every night. Even if he snores like mad. Even with the 5 year old squeezed in between. Even if the dog takes up more room than the five year old and your elbow hasn't seen the mattress any time lately. There's still plenty to be said for marraige.

Goals.

So, here it is, my happy list. (And truthfully, right now, I'm pretty blah about it...but I'm hoping it'll cheer me up.)

15 Happy Goals:

1. Uhhhh...um...ok fine...join the ptsa at the school...or at least get involved somehow.
2. Be nice. To everyone.
3. Stop be judgemental.
4. Sleep less, and be more active.
5. Start (it is NOT too late), my garden.
6. Drink more water. (What? I need to drink more water because my headaches and makes me crabby. That IS a goal.)
7. Go camping. Once a month.
8. Take a trip. Just for me.
9. Get a massage. (I've never had one...and I soooo need one.)
10. Join a club. Or a league. Or something. Take a pottery class. Or an art class.
11. FINISH applying to colleges. For real. I just keep putting this off because it seems stressful...my goal will be to get in by next January, instead of this fall...because this fall...just seems too stressful.
12. And, it will make me soooo stinkin' happy to get my basement cleaned out and my house organized. It is a real stressor...so why do I keep putting it off???
13. Frame & hang some of my photos. They make me happy, and I think they are really good.
14. Enter something in the county fair this year. Photography, cooking, art. Doesn't matter what, just enter something.
15. Wash my dog. No really. She's wicked dirty and very sheddy and I need to wash her and I keep saying, "I'm gonna wash her today," and I never do and then I feel like I failed.

And, yup, I am feeling better. No really, I am.

FindingHappy.

Yesterday, after the orientation, Magnum says, "I think you have a problem." Because I was soooo freakin' crabby and not very nice to anyone.

Which means I spent the whole night, and this morning, pondering me. And, my life. And, my goals. And my happy, or my lack there of.

I haven't really figured anything out...yet. I do know that in the last few months, I seem to have gotten lost. I can't seem to focus, and I'm not feeling real passionate about anything I used to feel passionate about. (For example, my garden...haven't got the will to even start it or my class, which I am usually so excited about...I'm just blah over.)

And, I'm not nice. I'm snobby and judgemental...and, really I'm not enjoying it so much.

As I sat in the orientation yesterday, I felt really alone. I've lived here for six years...and I don't know anyone at that school. I mean, not really. And the few people I did "know", I was too busy being pissed at or crabby with, to really enjoy my time.

So, I'm gonna set some small goals. And see if I can't do something besides sit around and whine. (The goals get their own blog entry.)

Ok, I'm off to find some happy. (And, speaking of happy...does anyone else have orgasms in their sleep?)

Edication.

OMG, maybe I'm the c-word?

JDRW hated his visit to kindergarten and says he never wants to go back. When he came out of the class he was smiling, but it was obvious he'd been crying. I can not handle it.

I think I've become one of those women I hate. I'm bitchy. And a lil' bit snobby. When did this happen?

Happy Perky Bouncy. That is what I want to be. What I really am is bitchy, cunty, crabby.

I srsly need medication. Srsly.

SeeYouNextTuesday.

If you are a cunt, don't act like you're my friend. K?

For my own future reference, try not to schedule "happy" days, (such as kindergarten orientation), on PMS days. The two do not fair well.

So, here's how my day went: Woke up early. JDRW & I were joking around. Magnum griped because it was the only day he gets to sleep in. JDRW & I go downstairs, so as not to disturb sleeping beauty, and then at 8:05, when I decide to go upstairs to get dressed, Magnum has the audacity to say, "we're you gonna bother waking me up?"

So, then we go to get my ID. We've been trying to get this freakin' thing for like 2 years now. Magnum reminded me a thousand times, that I needed my driver's license & ss card. I asked him a thousand times, if those are the only things I needed. Well, we had an appt. at 9:30, we get there, and the woman asks me for my old ID card. Yeah, right. So, wouldn't you know, it ended up being a total fiasco, complete with Magnum being pissed and huffy, and filing a police report for "lost" ID. I did get my ID finally...but of course it wasn't easy.

Then we went to a Burger King, (just to get JDRW a Sponge Bob watch), and it was disgustingly dirty. But of course, I didn't want to complain about it, because I chose to go there.

Then JDRW had a meltdown in Target. And continued to have said meltdown for about 45 minutes, until he fell asleep.

JDRW got orientated, which was all fine, except there were two women there, one of which is competion in my "field" and I'm pretty sure she reported me to authorities, claiming I was doing something illegal. (Those reports were unfounded, btw, bitch.) :)

So, as we are going to JDRW's class to pick him up, I get paged over the loudspeaker to go to the office. Apparently Teenager 2 had an issue with a teacher, and got suspended for 3 days. (Which of course, I disagree with, and of course Magnum is completely unreasonable when it comes to matters of kids & school.)

So, here I am. Typing 'til my wrists hurt, about my funfilled day off. (And, I NEVER get a day off.)

It's days like this that make me want to pack up all of my shit and head back to the midwest.

And, it's only 4:13 in the afternoon.

Next...

Shi Tty.

What a shitty day. It should have been happy happy but instead it was and continues to be crap.

Whoremoans.

Why do I get like this?

Oh, maybe because it's the effing 19th of the month and I always get this way because I have this stupid burst of hormones.

Hehe...whore moans.

On a creative side...we went to a bowling birthday party a few months ago, and Magnum got a box of pins for free, because they just have them laying around. So, I'm excited to paint them. (He'll use them as shooting targets.)

Ok, back to being cranky. Paaashhhhaaaa.

Slippery.

She's back. And if I get a chance with her again, I am NOT gonna let it slip away.

Stink.

If I keep eating stinky garlic knots, I won't have to worry about the whole well endowed thing. They were gooooood eatin'...but ugh.

Warning.

So, if you don't want to hear gorey bloody penis details, don't read any farther...I'm warning you...

Turn back now...

Ok...fine...

So, I went to see my gyn doctor this morning (who is very charming) and he said my uterus is all good. But my husband's big cock is smashing against my cervix when we engage in intercourse, thus causing some bleeding. It's not a health issue, just a well endowed issue.

Ha.

I warned you.

The best part was when he says, "So, how much blood are we talking about?" and I smiled at him, probably mischeviously, and said, "Depends on the activity."

Of course, right after I said that he told me to take my pants off...hehe.

If nothing else, I make myself laugh. :)

Ha.

A penis is only as good as the vagina you put it in.

Hahaha.

GiddyUp.

Things people have said to me this week that make me giddy:

"Till you came?"
"You are so freakin' cute."
"You're killin' me."
"Oh, you are making my mouth water."
"I do think Kenjaman would take exception to the arrangement, tho." (That one makes me laugh out loud every freakin' time I read it.)

Haha. I'm so easy...I mean, easy to please.

StrokeMe.

Yes, I read your blog. Get over it. You have a blog. It's public. People read it. I don't understand people writing a blog, pouring all of their drama into it, and then whining because people read it? Get over yourself already.

:) There's my rant for the day.

So, urgent care. Pfffttt. I went. He said I most likely didn't have an infection, but gave me the antibiotic anyway...and said if I didn't clear up in the next few days to take the antibiotic. I know, if it's not a bacterical infection, an antibiotic won't help. Except, I know my head, and I've had sinus infections before...and blah blah blah, I'm taking the antibiotic. Now, here's the extra fun parts. The first thing the nurse asks me is what my number my pain is from 1-10. Then, the doctor examines me (barely) and the nurse comes back to discharge me, and says, what's your pain now? Um, dude. Your doctor isn't Jesus. He didn't lay his hands on me and I'm healed. You didn't give me anything for the pain, therefore the pain is still the same. Uh, huh. And, oddly enough, my blood pressure was 140/101. My blood pressure has NEVER been anywhere close to that high...ever. So, she says "your pressure usually run high?" and I say, "Nope, never. As a matter of fact, my blood pressure is usually too low." So she checks it again and it's like 137/101. She goes, "o, well, that's probably just because your nervous about being here." WHAT? So, I come in with a severe headache, and my blood pressure is through the roof, and...you don't look into that?

Now, that having all been said, the whole point of the visit was because I am between doctors, and I wanted antibiotics for my infection. I was happy to be in & out of there in 45 minutes.

But, if I end up having a freakin' stroke, someone please please please sue the pants off of Saratoga Hospital. (Yeah, I know, I shouldn't go there because I hate them...but they were convenient. I know, if convenient = death then it's not so convenient...yeah yeah yeah. I'm whining about something that I alone had control over and I made a bad decision...keep the comments...I got it.)

So, my head is better. Still not 100%, but it doesn't hurt to breathe.

And, there's more...but my battery is low...and it's lunch time. Adios.

Gah.

So, an hour before my appt, the sunshine doctors office calls and says I'm no longer a patient there. (Yeah, I sent papers to have my info transferred to a different doctor but I didn't know they'd gotten them already.) Anyway, the new doctor doesn't have the records yet...so...I'm currently doctorless. Which means if I want this disgusting & painful sinus issue to be taken care of I have to go to urgent care. I hate urgent care. But I am indeed desperate enough to partake.

In other news...

I fucking miss St. Louis. Fenton was talking about mowing grass...and we haven't even begun to start thinking of mowing grass here in NY. Why? Because it's too effing cold. I'm sitting on my porch, trying to absorb sunshine, but I'm shivering because it's soooo chilly. Or maybe I'm shivering because I have a fever. Either way, I still miss St. Louis.

It is gonna be sweet sweet sweet when I can actually bend over to tie my shoes without feeling like my brains are about to explode. Gah.

AcheySnottyOwwy.

My sinuses are so crappy right now...that my teeth ache. For real. If I yawn too hard, I almost pass out. My jaws ache. My ears ache. My eyeballs feel like they are going to pop right out into my bowl of frosted wheats. So desperate am I, that I made an appointment with the sunshine doctor. I hope to god she has the sense to prescribe an antibiotic. I hate antibiotics, but this shit's not gonna go away. I know my head. I know when I have an infection. This is an infection for which antibiotics are required. I hope, for her sake, she doesn't mention the sun, at all.

In other news...

Magnum and his new friend...wait...gotta give her a name...hmmm...pondering...pondering...Lexi...there...so Magnum & Lexi seem to be going along at a nice pace. Yesterday was their first phone call. I asked Magnum how it was going so far, and he said "well, she hasn't pissed me off yet." Hehe. That's always good. What I think most people don't realize is how sensitive he is. I think, although he'd never admit it, it's easy for him to get hurt. So, he's pretty cautious. I'm much more anxious (although I am doing a very good job at keeping it in check) for their dating to commence, than he seems to be.

And, now I have to be done with this blog because I got distracted and busy....hopefully next time I write I will feel better. :)

Pondervorce.

And, at the oddest times, I ponder divorce. Not that I'm so unhappy I can't stand it...but just that Magnum doesn't seem happy very often, my kids aren't happy...which makes me sad. And, I'm tired.

MayOnaise.

I have a sinus issue. Grrrrr. And "non-drowsy" sinus meds, do indeed make me drowsy. I mean, I'm already a pretty sleepy girl, so those meds definately enhance my sleepiness. :) And, when my sinuses are at war with the rest of me, it throws me off balance. I constantly drop things and lose my footing. I'm sure, if my head didn't feel like it was full of mayonaise, I'd probably think my flubbering around would be funny.

My newest "friend", who I'm gonna call Fenton, has been away this week. I get all flippy when I get an email or a text. Fenton is different from my other friends, so we'll see how this goes. Although, we've agreed it will never be anything more than a "pretend" relationship...it's still been a lot of fun so far. It's good to be wanted.

I've talked to the New Girl since the whole "she said, she said" thing, and I was all about trying to make something work between us...(although, I have no idea anymore how she'd feel about that)...but I've decided to just let it be. I think a big part of that decision, came about because I feel like I should be defended about some things, and instead of feeling defended or justified, I feel like I'm being made out to be kind of a bad guy...I know...blah blah drama blah. Fine. I'll go into detail because this is my blog and guess what, I can. :) New Girl created a blog. I was her first follower...we've been chatting for 2 months now...she reads mine, I read hers. Occasionally we comment on each others stuff. Innocent. No bigs. Fun. Right? Except the last time I commented on her blog, Lucy, made a comment that I felt was sorta mean and outta line. And, that's what I don't want. I don't want to make some simple one word comment on someone's blog and have someone else, demean me or make me seem like a crazy stalker.

There. I got it off of my chest.

And, here's the part that's the oddest to me. I'd been talking to New Girl for weeks, and I invited her to derby. At her first night at derby she runs into Lucy, who was her friend when they were kids, but they hadn't communicated in years. As a matter of fact, neither of them knew the other was gay. And, now, Lucy acts as tho they are best buds and I'm a married stalker freak who's chasing a girl who doesn't want me? Or something?

As far as I knew, New Girl was cool with chatting with me? As far as I knew, New Girl was pondering possibly going out with me to a movie or something. She never made me feel like she wished I'd leave her alone? Or that she'd never go out with me?

So, now, again, I just feel like being open with my feelings and trying to be as honest as I could with New Girl, was just a waste? Like, what was the point if she and Lucy are just gonna sit back and have a good laugh? Grrrr.

And of course, there's still a huge part of me that still wants the New Girl to go out with me...just so that I can prove to her that I'm just a regular girl...looking for something to fill a space in me that only another woman can fill. Yes, I am married, to a man. Yes, I love him like I've never loved anyone and I look at him, and I'm home. (Two points for anyone who knows what movie that line is from.) But sometimes, when you are home all the time, you want to go on a vacation. :) New Girl is always talking about how she wants to find her forever girl and how I could never be that girl because I have a husband...and maybe she's right...but what's the harm in going out, seeing if we are compatible? Seeing if we have a connection. I've tried to explain to her that to me, it's not always black and white...that the gray areas can be absolutely awesome...but she's just not feeling it. :(

Le Sigh. :)

Wow, this blog certainly turned out to be different than I planned. Such is life.

And, even tho I'm a sleepy, groggy, girlwanting (andnotgetting), husbandloving, mayonaisebrained, girl right now, I'm happy. And to me, there isn't a better feeling than happy.

PearAvacadoPockets

So, I created a recipe. All by myself. :) With a few helpful tips from Magnum.

And, here it is!

peeled chopped Bosc Pear
1/2 avacado
fresh cilantro (to taste, I added a few sprigs)
4 oz cream cheese
2 slices bacon, crisp cooked, crumbled
2 slices of red onion, minced
salt & pepper to taste
wonton wrappers (which can be found in the produce section of your grocery store)
oil for frying

I peeled the pear, and chopped it in my food processor and put it in a large bowl. Then I added the avacado, cilantro, cream cheese to the food processor and blended it. Add it to the bowl. Fry the bacon and drain on a paper towel and crumble into bowl. In the same pan you fried the bacon, add the onion and saute. Drain on a paper towel and add to mixture. Stir until well mixed.

Then,cover and store in the fridge over night, giving the ingredients
a chance to meld.

To prepared for cooking put about a teaspoon of the mixture into a wonton wrapper, sealing the edges (like a crab rangoon) and fry in the oil until lightly browned.

Serve with your favorite dipping sauce. Sweet & sour or Avacado Ranch sound good to me.

ZZZZ.

Dinner ended up being pretty goood. It was kinda slow at first...but afterwards we played cards with her, and she was simply giddy. It was a lot of fun. Who knew??

I'm doing a recipe contest here and the ingredients that are to be used are Bosc Pear & Avacado. I am constantly pondering what kind of recipe would work here. I've thought maybe a lite stir fry would be yummy. Maybe with some almonds. I'm gonna work on it tomorrow. There are just so many yummy possiblities. The best part is, pears are my least favorite fruit. I've never liked them. When I eat fruit cocktail, I always eat the pears first because they are my least favorite and I want to get them outta the way to get to the good stuff.

I love Magnum. Can you love a person too much? Because if you can, I do. :) I love his body, and his mouth and the way he laughs when I say something funny, and his hands. Goodsigh.

It is sooooo past my bedtime. Good god. I always want to write and write and then I start dozing off...zzzzzzzzzzzz.

Moods.

I change my moods, like a girl changes clothes. Sheesh. One day I'm all happy bouncy perky, the next day I just want to lay around. Grrrr.

Tonight we are going to dinner at Magnum's step mother's house. I kinda don't understand the point? I mean, they aren't close, yet every year, we go there for dinner. I think she feels like it's her duty to have us over? I mean, it's ok, and it's generally good food, but it's just boring. :) Is that wrong? The fun part is that Magnum's brother and sister in law will be there, and they love me. :)

I saw Joy for a few minutes the other night, and she felt cozier than normal. Twas nice.

And, now I have to go get all prettied up for dinner. :)

Swoodd.

I hate to admit that the crazy "you need more sunshine" doctor might be right...but dammit, she might be right.

Warm sunny days like this put me right into high productivity. For real. On cloudy rainy days I'm sooooo blah...but today it's sunshiny and humid, and I've done more today than I've done in weeks.

I just caught my dog eating an umbrella. WTF is wrong with her? And I can not mop without getting attacked by my cat. Crazy ass animals. The most normal one is Pete, and he pretty much licks his dick allllll day. Weird. O's.

I think Magnum has a new "friend". I'm interested to see where it goes. She's older than me, which isn't the norm. We shall see.

I'm thinking about writing an extremely truthful, raw, soul bearing blog. But, ya know, that's not easy. It's not easy to put yourself out there, in the wild blue web, for anyone to read and critique. Hmmm...something to think about.

Also, I've been pondering this for a while now...and I've come to a conclusion. I expect more from people who aren't of the social "norm". I know, I'm probably gonna do a horrible job at explaining this, and there will, undoubtedly be people who think I'm totally out of line...but.....I think I expect more from people who are considered "different"? Or who live outside of what our society has decided is acceptable. Grrrr...this isn't going so well. Let me tell a little story, and we'll see where it goes from there.

I know a woman who is physically disabled. Her mind is good, her body, for the most part, is good, but she is unable to walk. So, she uses one of those hand controlled scooters. No bigz. One day, she told a story, that she went on a date with a black man. And she was walking around downtown with a black man, and she was embarrassed. She was so afraid that someone might see her with this man, that she couldn't enjoy herself.

Do you see where I'm going with this? I would have expected her to be more understanding of someone's difference, because she too, was "different". But instead she was embarrassed.

So what I'm trying to say, is, I think I expect certain people to be more understanding of my lifestyle, and more often than not, that's not the case. And I find that rather odd.

Swoo. I barely made it through that explaination. :) Goodness.

Play.

I need someone to play dirty with me. For real. :) I need someone to make me bite my bottom lip. I need someone who makes me feel content & guilty, all at the same time. :) I need someone to tell me they want to do naughty things to me on the couch. Or someone who wants to touch my cute little toes, just to say they did. :) Someone who sends me "good morning beautiful" texts in the morning, and "I miss you, sweet dreams." texts at night.

Isn't this what we all want tho? I mean, really?

GrandmaCookin'.

It's raining, again. But it doesn't bother me so much because it's a spring rain. :)

And, I'm cooking. Which makes me feel all cozy. I love cooking dinner "like grandma used to make".

Beef Chuck Roast, that you dredge in seasoned flour, and then brown in an iron skillet. I added onions and beer. I've never added any liquid to a roast before, but I read somewhere about adding beer, so I thought I'd try it. I'll put a lid on the skillet and put it in the oven. In a few hours, I'll add carrots & potatoes. When Magnum gets home, we'll have the roast, carrots, potatoes...green beans w/bacon, creamed corn, and a yummy mayo salad (lettuce, tomato, hard boilded egg, Miracle Whip, salt & pepper, and a touch of milk). I can't wait.

In other news, a lady at the laundry mat got to talk to JDRW last night. He filled her in all about dragons & ticks, and then she coughed and JDRW instructed her on how to cough properly into her elbow, not her hand because she'd spread germs. :) Just before she left she came over and said, "you have a very well behaved son". I was so proud.

I think in my ambien stupor last night I might have told Magnum that he didn't have to go to Boston with me next time. That's so funny.

And, that's all I got for now...I think? Yeah, that's it.

Happy Easter & other nonsense.

Happy Easter Everyone. :)

Today I got some "hate" texts, that really kinda threw me for a loop. Let me explain as simply as possible.

How can I put it simply? Ugh.

So, let's start here...I've been chatting, emailing, texting with New Girl for about a month. It's been good, or so I thought. We just made tentative plans on Friday, to go see a movie together...after weeks of going back and forth, back and forth about the monogamous, polyamory thing.

A little background to the story...

So a few weeks ago, I realized that New Girl & Lucy know each other. At some point, I guess I said, of all the girls New Girl could date, I wished she wouldn't date Lucy. (Although, I do not remember saying this? I figured I probably said something along the lines of "1500 girls at derby and the one you know, is her...blah blah blah.)

Anyway, so this morning I get these viscious little texts from Lucy reprimanding me for telling New Girl she couldn't date Lucy. WTF? I mean really? Do I even have that power??

New Girl has consistently said she wasn't dating or seeing or interested in dating or seeing Lucy...so...I dunno...now I'm getting angry texts out of the blue from Lucy?

I don't get it.

Either way, I'm not talking to New Girl anymore. I can't stand the "she said, she said" drama.

For the record tho...I didn't try to make anyone angry. And, Lucy called me fake? I don't even get that...but she's certainly entitled to her opinion.

I'm a wee bit disappointed in the fact that New Girl would go tell Lucy that I said they couldn't date? I mean...even if I did say that...and don't get me wrong, in all of the banter, I very well could have...why did she need to mention it to Lucy? Not that it was a secret, but I dunno. It just seems kinda silly.

Oh well. New Girl = Fail.

I'm gonna quote the texts here...just to get it off my chest.

Her: So I have a question for you.
Me: K
Her: Who the hell do you think you are? Like honestly. To tell a girl I grew up with, someone I've known since I was a child, that she could date anyone except me. Who the fuck do you think you are? You're married. How about you get a fucking clue?
Me: What are you talking about?
Her: If a girl tells you she doesn't want you, get it thru your head. Stop freaking people out.
Me: Who told me she didn't want me? (Like at this point, I wasn't sure who she was talking about herself or New Girl?)
Her: You are such a fake person. It's really sad.
Me: Ok. (Because, what the hell else am I gonna say?)
Me: Sorry, I totally didn't mean to make anyone angry. I'm not even gonna talk to her anymore.

And, interspersed in there was a convo with New Girl, during which I asked if she told Lucy she couldn't date her, to which she answered yes. Then I told her I was getting some hate texts. Then I told her to leave me alone. I mean, because really, why all the drama?

I hate feeling stupid, and that's just kinda how I feel now. I've tried really hard to be open and honest with New Girl. And, she kept insisting that there was nothing between her and Lucy. But obviously, there must be something or why else would Lucy get so pissed? And, I don't like being called fake, because I try really hard not to be fake and to be open and honest with people? Maybe I'm not tho? Maybe I think I am, but other people just think I'm a big ol' fake cheeseball with boobs. I dunno.

Oh, girls. What? The? Hell?

More.

I want more. I don't want a lot. But I want more...I want to be more "my". It makes me feel good. Really really good.

Feet.

Two things real quick...

First JDRW was absolutely fascinated when I told him he could go outside without shoes on today. Seriously fascinated. He almost didn't understand. :) And he's a very smart boy.

And, I love watching him run through the yard barefooted...and seeing his extremely grimey feet...feet that are so dirty that when he steps in the shower there are instant mini mud puddles. It's awesome. :)

HPBF.

Only happy blogs today. That's the rule. Happy Perky Bouncy.

Do we all love to be wanted? :) I mean, I'm usually the wanter...but it feels so dangerously good to be the wanted.

And do we all want to be special? Let me 'splain. Like, do we all like to have that "special" relationship with people? Like, Ney is the person I call when I'm excited (or when I need to confess my sins). :) And...I dunno...there are just different people that offer different degrees of happy and knowing that that person holds a special place for you...just for you...is pretty cool. I don't have a lot of those people, but the ones I do, I really really enjoy. Really.

Yesterday someone referred to me as "My Eva". I can't even begin to explain how much I love that. Makes me flippy.

Happy Perky Bouncy Flippy.

DoYouSmellThat?

My cultural anthro class smells horrible. I almost couldn't sit there last night. It smelled like old stinky man and salami. It was nasty. And, there's a girl that sits next to me...omfuckingg...I have never in my life heard anyone eat popcorn so disgustingly as she did...and rattle the bag...lets not forget about her fucking rattling her bag. Then, after she was done, she licked her fucking fingers like they were the tastiest things she's ever had in her mouth. She disgusts me.

There was more to write but my head is aching.

Hippo.

I say "I wish I had a hammock." Magnum says "I wish I had such a tiny problem." GRRRRRR. It's a beautiful day. I was simply saying how lovely it would be to have a sweet little nap in a hammock in this incredible sunshine. Wouldn't it be nice & refreshing if he'd say "hmmmm that sounds nice. I could bring you lemonade and you could read your new book." It's infuriating. I heard yesterday that "happy" in a marraige lasts for about the first 3 years. O, great.

The extremely sucky part is...I'm happy. I'm always happy. So I say something, and it gets squashed. GRRRR.

For such a happy girl, I sure to complain alot, huh?

Oh, and while I'm here, I'm just gonna say, I'm a hypocrite. A naughty little hypocrite.