31

Today is the last day of my 36th year of life. Tomorrow I will be 37. And I'm ok with that.

30

My head is spinning.

I need to be grounded. I need to be centered.

For fucks sake.

29

Went.

Down.

On.

ACMG.

OMG.

28

It makes me a little nervous to post here. What if someone I know recognizes me from my writing? Oy.

But, oh well.

On Friday I went out with Skye.

She likes me. Really. She met Magnum. She and I and Magnum sat at the Denny's for 2 hours. But I digress.

Let me start at the beginning. We ended up having dinner with her ex & her roommate. Probably would have been better if I didn't feel like her friends were gonna bust on her for going out with me. But oh well...they don't know me...so there.

Then we went shopping. Or more like walking around the stores giggling.

I realized something. Normally when I'm with someone, I like to walk around together but apart. I always stay a few feet ahead or I'll go to a different aisle. Whatever. With her...I can't get close enough. Oh my goodness.

So, after we get done shopping she goes to a different store and parks in the parking lot. And, teases me. She lays her seat back. Squirms. Makes these little comments. And, I deny her. I tell her I can't kiss her or touch her or whatever because she has a girlfriend.

So, after much frustratedness (in a fun way), we go over to Denny's and meet Magnum. We have dessert and we talk and giggle for hours. I played with her hair. Kissed her neck. Bit her arm. Played with her thigh and her hands.

Magnum validates things for me. He said she was smitten. She's flat out giddy around me.

So, we walk back out to the car, and she gets in her drivers seat and I open the passenger door to get my bag...

And I kneel in the passenger seat and stretch over to her and say "kiss me"...and she says "really?" and I say...mmmhhhhmmm. And we kissed.

I couldn't fucking breathe. I didn't say anything...got out and got into Magnums car. And freaked out all the way home.

I immediately texted her and said "OMG"...and she said "OMG is right" and I said "I need feedback" and she said "One word: Hot".

And so it goes.

Except she has a girlfriend. And, I want her to have a girlfriend, that's all good. But I don't like the girlfriend not knowing. Ya know? I wish she could be open about it.

Later I asked her how she felt and she said she felt like she wanted to do it again. And again.

It was one of the best kisses I've ever had. OMG. OMG. OMG.

27

It's been awhile.

Since my last post...I've decided not to give up on Skye after all. Eeeeekkkk. I guess if I knew she was in love or that there was the potential for her to be in love with her current girlfriend, I would totally give up. But, I know she's not into her. And as much as it sucks for the girlfriend...it is what it is. Or in this case, what it isn't.

And, I'm sick. And it sucks. My ears feel like they're filled with olive oil. I'm losing my voice. Which I think is actually kinda sexy.

I'm watching American Idol again. We are watching last nights episode now. Why do we eat this show up? Is it because it gives the average American hope? (Oh, and Danny has my vote. Dammit!!)

Oh, and I got a puppy for Valentine's. :) Her name is Bella. Her mama was 1/2 collie & 1/2 beagle and her daddy was a boxer. She has a good temperment and she's seems pretty smart.

Ok, my head is pounding and my ears are itching and burning. And, I think we are gonna watch Grey's now.

This posting seems so blah. Blame it on the olive oil.

26

Watching L-Word and I'm drugged. But real quick I wanted to say...there was this little touchy thing between Shane & Jenny's hand...and it reminded me of Skye.

I like this show. It makes me rember why I miss girls.

Ok...night night.

25

Today Magnum has a doctor's appointment. And, he needs someone to drive him home. We both assumed his brother would do it, but as it turns out, his brother is not available. So, now, he's on his way to his appointment, with no plans for a ride.

I think he's going to call an ex. And, I'm kinda excited about seeing her, assuming she can do it. I don't want to fall back into anything with her, because we all know it's not a good situation. But, seeing her sounds like it might be fun.

In other news, do you watch American Idol? There's one guy on there...Danny...that I love. There are a few girls that I think are pretty good too, but Danny has a good mouth. I'm mesmerized by his mouth and his little lispy thing.

Today we are having a Pajama party at work. I always expect days like this to be fun, except I think I expect it to go smoothly and it never does. Everything seems to go crazy all at once. Eeeeeekkkkk.

I gotta post this now because duty calls...but I'm not done.

24

I need a bio for my writing.

Here's what I've come up with:

Born and raised in southern Illinois, (just across the Mississippi River from St. Louis, Missouri), Ella currently resides in upstate New York with her husband and children. She is passionate about writing and photography and hopes to one day have a pet goat.

23

I'm addicted to Useless Knowledge. It's over there <--------- in my side panel and I sit and refresh and refresh and refresh to read the useless facts.

So, Skye posted a blog. I don't think it's about me, but if it is, she's totally not being truthful.

And, no one can tell me that Whitney Houston wasn't drunk at the Grammy's last night. Crazy bitch.

Yeah, that's all I got right now.

22

Ok, as much as I hate to give up...I'm giving up on Skye. I can't be obsessing over her. She's too stubborn to give in, and quite honestly I don't have the time to dedicate to her. Besides, where would I go? What would be the point?

It's frustrating...but it is what it is. And I'm gonna leave it there.

21

Nice that this is a blog about Skye and it's blog number 21 which is my favorite number.

So, yesterday, I had lunch with Skye. It was the first time we'd really hung out since I went to her apartment.

Let me go back. She was single when I first met her. Then she had a girlfriend, then she didn't, then she was seeing someone, (which is when I got in to snuggle), and then after we snuggled, she got a girlfriend. So, supposedly, snuggling is out.

Except, I know she's not as into the girlfriend as she wants everyone to think she is. She likes the idea of having a girlfriend. She wants it. But the girls she's seeing, is not it.

And at lunch yesterday, I told her that I could tell she wasn't as into the girl as she wanted to be.

And, she admitted it.

So, now, here's this girl, with a girlfriend, who isn't really into her girlfriend, that I WANT, but can't have because she has a girlfriend and I swore I wouldn't do that.

But, fuck. (Yeah I said but fuck...shut up.) She is adorable. She giggles, a lot. Smitten. I don't think it's just my imagination that she's smitten.

This blog is not doing her justice. Dammit.

Maybe after I have some lunch my creativity will spark.

20

Does everyone get into these ruts? These "if I have to clean my kitchen one more time I'm gonna explode" ruts? These "I can only rearrange the living room so many times to make the furniture look new" ruts? These "We are having this for dinner, again?" ruts?

I get up to do something about it and get all lost in the disorganization and clutter and I'm back to square one.

So, let's make a positive top 10 list to perk things up.

1. At least I have a kitchen?
2. Birds. I can hear birds chirping. That's a good sign.
3. I'm not cold AND I have the front door open.
4. I had lunch with (I don't know what to call her yet...let me think...got it...Skye.) So, anyway, I had lunch with Skye yesterday. Granted it was short, but it was sweet. I made her blush...wait this is a whole nuther blog...more about that later.
5. The sun is shining.
6. Today I only have 1/2 of the work load I usually have, which is always nice.
7. Valentines Day Soon = Crablegs...I think.
8. I know Skye is into me. I think. :)
9. We filed our taxes and I did a good job at being ready for it.
10. One of my house plants is growing clover. It's so cool.

19

Cabin Fever is kickin' my ass. Hard.

I swear, as soon as it's warm I'm going to empty my house...onto the front lawn. Really. Then I'll bring back only the things I am passionate about. I tried to rearrange a little today and it only ended in messy frustration. I just need a clean slate to start from.

It's supposed to be almost 50 this week, but then it goes back to the 30's for the weekend.

This is boring, and I'm sure there's something productive I should be doing.

At least the sun is shining brightly today. Spring will come...won't it?

18

Naproxen Sodium...sure it makes my headache or cramps dissolve into nothingness, but it makes me have bubbles. :) Really. It's gross, I know, but it makes me burp like crazy. It makes me think of what an alka seltzer looks like when it's dissolving in a glass of water. Bubble, bubble, bubble, burp. It's crazy, but true.

17

A conversation between wanted & wantee:



Wanted: (12:41:18 PM): not when i think that i have a future with Her.
Wantee: (12:41:26 PM): Ok. I want to say unencouraging things...but I'm being nice.
Wanted: (12:43:45 PM): mhm
Wantee: (12:45:59 PM): You are 20. You should play the field a little before you settle!!!
Wanted: (12:46:29 PM): i played the field all summer long
Wantee: (12:47:07 PM): Not with me!
Wanted: (12:47:50 PM): you already have your future
Wantee: (12:48:13 PM): Whatever!
Wantee: (12:49:49 PM): Futurepppppppfffffttttt.
Wantee: (12:50:03 PM): I have my past & my future but I want you to be my present.
Wantee: (12:50:04 PM): Ha.
Wantee: (12:50:06 PM): That's a joke.
Wantee: (12:51:59 PM): Yeah, I'm still laughing.

16

I always thought it was deep seeded...like seeded deeply. I've only recently found out that it's deep seated. Geez.

Upon just googling though, I found a few articles. The funniest one was titled: Deep-Seeded Ignorance...and within that article it explains the difference between seeded and seated...but then there's this line in the article:

"The established phrase is "deep-seated", which is listed in any good dictionary and has 590,000 Google hits, while "deep-seeded" is not listed in any dictionary (at least as far as I've checked), and has only 24,800 Google hists, so that the public vote is 96% for seated, 4% for seeded."

WTF is a hist? I know, I'm being silly & petty and it's probably just a typo...but if you are gonna bag on someone for their language skills (or lack there of)...dontcha think you'd proof that shit?

15

Oh and, it makes me feel pathetic. And, I hate hate hate feeling pathetic. I'm a confident, cocky (but in a good way), woman. Except when it comes to her.

14

Is it real or is it PMDD?

Anyone else but her, would be great. She is the only one I can't handle, but I can't seem to get her out of my life.

So, I'm here. Waiting for Magnum to get home. I wonder if I should go smell his car, check for signs of her. Should I call her right now? Would she answer?

Am, I just PMDDing? Or is there really something to worry about?

I feel like I'm sure she's with him right now. And, I've always had a knack for knowing things. So, in my head I think, you warned him. You told him if he saw her again, you'd leave. So why are you still here? The other part of me thinks, why does it matter? I mean really? Does it? I guess, the answer is, it matters, only because it hurts me. Is it enough to uproot my family? Disturb the peace? Or do I just sit back and be the wife, staying home to raise the kids, while the husband goes out and whores it up with the one person the wife has asked him not to?

All I have right now is this writing. It's keeping me calm. Helping me put things into perspective.

What to do...what to do?

13

So, there's this ONE person, that I don't want Magnum to see. She has always caused problems for us.

I found out a few months back, that he was seeing her. I knew nothing about it. It isn't the first time it's happened. And everytime it does happen, I say, this is the last time.

Except, as it turns out, it is never the last time.

Because he sees her again, then promises me he won't, then he does, and he doesn't tell me, and I find out, and we fight for a week, and he promises he won't ever see her or talk to her again...and on and on it goes.

Except now, everytime he goes on a trip, or every time I can't get a hold of him, I freak out because I think she is with him.

I don't like to live this way. But, wtf am I supposed to do?

I don't think he's stopped seeing her or talking to her. But, I have no proof. He's smart enough not to email her or leave messages from her on his phone.

I guess the hardest part is hating that he won't deny her for me. Instead, he breaks my heart for her.

12

Is it wrong that I look at profiles of people I went to school with and really appreciate seeing those people who always thought they were all that, and now they are just...not??? I'm sure we all do. We cyberstalk our ex's and our ex's ex's and our husband's ex's. And, do we all have that little thing in us that says, Wow, look at that ass? Or, She married him? Or, Wow I guess daddy & mommy stopped buying her clothes?

Isn't especially nice for those of us who were poor, or nerdy, or fat, to see one of our "bullies" from highschool, become a wanna be? Or, they still have the same hair do they had when they were a senior in highschool? Ha.

Makes me really appreciate what I have now...and what I've become.

11

I always wanted to be a teacher when I grew up. Then I didn't. Then I did. I never wanted to do the daycare thing.

Except, I think maybe I got propositioned today. A friend of mine is trying to start an adult education program, and she mentioned doing on site daycare and she mentioned I could come and run it for her.

Um...ok. I guess, if I got to be a director of a daycare, it wouldn't be so bad? Although I hate commercial daycares. But maybe mine would be different...the exception to the rule.

First, I'd go all green...at least as much as possible. And, I wouldn't want the daycare to feel like a place to corral your kids while you are working. I would want the kids to walk in and feel at home. Oh, and the kids at the daycare would have manners! I think so many people are focused on whether or not their two year old can speak fluent spanish and write novels, to focus on politeness. Nothing irks me more than a rude kid. Dude, please & thank you? Is it really that hard?

Ok, now I'm going to have some lunch.

10

I'm scattered today. I can't focus on any tasks. I try to accomplish things, but it feels like I'm trying to run in mud.

In other news...

For Christmas I bought my husband, (who will be referred to from here on out as Magnum) St. John's Wort. It was sort of as a joke because I always complain about how grumpy he is. Except, I think it really, really worked. His mood is improved. We haven't had any arguments, he and the kids actually seem to be having fun. He ran out of them on Saturday...and I swear he's a grumpy pain in the ass again. I've asked him to mention to the doctor that he might need something for stress, except I think he sees this a as a weakness? So, I'm going out tonight to purchase more St. John's Wort.

Dontcha hate in when you want to write, you need to write, but then you sit at the computer, and your head is too jumbled to make sense of anything?

Maybe after lunch I'll be able to pull out of the mud.

9

So, after I posted my do not forward me your crap blog, I got a forward containing the following. (*Note: No snopes verification needed...I can tell you...it's all true!!!)

WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes.. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission.. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').
(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

8

If someone sends you a forward...and you forward it to me...do me a favor...Don't. I hate hate hate forwards. But the worst part is, when someone sends a forward that says "I don't know if this is real or not....blah blah blah." Dude, take a few seconds and go here to verify. Or any of the other bajillion sites you can go to before you forward my email address to every tom dick and harry on the www. I mean c'mon.

7

You do not have a migraine if you are reading this. People who say they are having a migraine but continue to function, amaze me. I don't have migraines often. I've had one, and I never never want to experience it again. It was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. I couldn't see, I could barely talk, I ended up puking and in the ER. So, when someone types on the status of their facebook or myspace that they have a migraine...I really wanna smack them. Unless you are one hell of a trooper, you are not typing and looking at your facebook whilst in the throes of a migraine. You have a headache. Take an aspirin. Drink a glass of water. Take a nap.

*Note: I'm not a freakin' doctor so if you think you are having a migraine or a brain tumor or any other medical issue, please seek medical attention immediately. For more info you can go here . Or here.

6

I want to do better. Obama has inspired me to be a better American. But, really, I kinda suck. I want to be better.

I am way behind in the going green curve. Way. I took the first step though, and started using canvas bags for my groceries. I know it's a small step, but at least it's a step.

I'm still so horrible with money. We have it. But I don't apply it properly, so I'm constantly stressed by it. I think, I might do it on purpose, without realizing it? Some psychological childhood trauma thing?

I wrote New Year's Resolutions, and I'm going to post them here, as a reminder. I'll attempted to post them at the beginning of each month, and indicate which I have been successful at.

Let me go fetch those now, before I forget...

2009 Resolutions
* Make something creative for my home each month.
* Use cloth bags for shopping-no more plastic bags. (So far, so good.)
* Walk on the treadmill 1/2 hour, 3 days a week & work out arms to get definition.
* Get out a debt. (This is the hardest for me...but I will be diligent.)
* Eat healthier. Organics, whole grains, fruits, veggies, broiled or baked meat, fish, chicken, fewer sweets, drink more water.
* Get the basement organized & cleaned. (Buy plastic containers with lids for keep stuff. Donate stuff.)
* Work to keep my room clean & organized. (Better than I ever have before.)
* Get the kids rooms painted, redone, etc.
* Explorer fixed or traded or both.
* Pay off college bill by summer to enroll in summer math course for graduation 2010.
* Get out of debt and save for trip...June 21, 2009.
* Recycle.
* Be nice to all...even if I don't wanna.
* No fast food.
* Believe. (I think I always do this, so this one is kinda a freebie.)

Doesn't it all seem so simple?