Last.

Last post of 2010.  I can't say I'll miss it.  I love new beginnings.

Oh, and to follower Jason, I haven't forgotten about you!  Originally the "prize" was going to be an Ornament.  But then I realized you don't celebrate Christmas and have no tree to hang the ornament on.  Then I thought, well I'll send him an ornament anyway...he could hang it from the ceiling or his earlobe?  But, I have since come to my senses and decided on something else entirely.  I suspect I'll get it into the mail early next week.  Yahoo!

 In other news....

Today I'm not a fan of teenagers.  I think my son must be going through the equivalent of pms, because he's a real bitch.  He's moody and bitchy and he wants wants wants and when things don't go his way he gets so grrr.  He's usually not like this.  He got a new girlfriend, who I like a lot, and I guess that just turns a teenager into a raging fucking ass.  One more year and he ventures off into the Air Force though.  If he hasn't calmed down by then, I'm sure the Air Force will whip him into shape.

I've been working with Magnum for the past few weeks.  Let me just say, I love it.  I love the job.  I love the atmosphere.  I think he actually likes having me there.  If only we could talk the boss into hiring me full time.  That would make my new years dream come true!!!

I have no big plans for New Year's Eve.  Next year though, bet your ass I will.  Why?  Because I will be in St. Louis.  Yeah, baby.

And that's all I got for now.  Kinda boring, I know.  O, well.  Spank me later, New Girl.  Ha!

Christmas.

So, here's my anti Christian rant.  I see EVERYWHERE people posting signs and and making their social networking status say "Jesus is the reason for the season" or something similar.  I read someones facebook that were literally ranting about how Christmas should be about Jesus and blah blah blah. 

Yo, Christian hypocrites and the like!  Jesus wasn't born on December 25th.  Dude.  Relax.  Christmas became Christmas because our christian forefathers tried to force their beliefs into places that it wasn't.  Go here, if you want to read more.

Ok, enough about that.

I think I'm getting old, because Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas to me, at all this year.  I'm not excited about it.  My tree is so so.  (Granted it's cute as hell, but I didn't put my heart into it.)  I don't know what it is.  I'm just blah about it.  And, tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  I'm sure once I get the house cleaned and neat and the gifts all wrapped, when people arrive tomorrow night, I'll feel some holiday cheer. 

I'm gonna start getting excited about my summer visit to St. Louis tho.  Whoot.

And now I have to go take cookies to JDRW's school for his Christmas Party.  They are pretty dang cute tho.  

GirlCrazy.

OMG, I am soooo girl crazy right now.  It's sooooooo bad.  I swear, if I thought I'd get it, I'd ask for TJ for Christmas.  Magnum could fly her out for a week or so.  She has this bottom lip....o, boy.  And her hands, her fingers, are just...hmmmm...cute.  And she has this incredible smile.  And she smells so delicious.  I'm braver now than I used to be...maybe this time I won't just giggle and hive out.  :)

Sweet Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.  A while back I blogged about the girl from The Sing Off. 

Yeah, she is simply the MOST PERFECT thing ever.  OMG.  I swear I'd trade my left kidney for her.  Her mouth is amazing.  Sweet Jesus.

:(

I'm sad.  It sucks.  That's all.

Crave.

I just want to be in your presence.  I don't want to do anything.  I just want to be near you.  My soul craves you. 

WeeWeeWee!

Holy Macaroni & Cheese.

I'm all kinds of crazy right now.  Frantically thinking, excitedly nervous, wanting to run through the house screaming.

Why?

Because I have an interview tomorrow as an Editorial Assitant at a local newspaper.  OMG. 

Sunny beaches.

I'm in that state of mind right now where I just don't even know what to do with myself.  Pick out my outfit?  Try to figure out a way to tame the phro for an interview?  Jump up and down and squeal like a little piggy?

Wow.  Editorial Assistant. 

When I told Magnum about the phone conversation I had with the editor, he laughed.  Because the woman was like, "Are you familiar with social media?"  REALLY?  And she was like, "Are you a blogger?"  HA!  And, she said the job would entail a lot of proofreading.  WOW!    I proofread even when I'm not being paid to do it.  It's an obsession.   I don't think anyone has ever described a job that fits me as well as this one.  The editor and I talked on the phone for 20 minutes. 

I think I need a drink.  :)

Holy Crow....I have to go do something besides sit here and freak the freak out.

NoNoNo.

No news is good news, right?  Cuz I aint got much.

No snow.  Bah.  No Christmas tree.   No chocolate.  :(  No job. 

No girlfriend, but if the girl on The Sing Off right now would give me her number...I'd let her be my girl.  DAMMIT. Her name is Courtney Jensen.  Magnum says "Of course you love her she looks just like TJ."  And I definitely (that is the hardest word for me to spell...for real...it took me like 17 tries) love me some TJ. 

No polish on my toes for a few months now...it's symbolic of my mood as of late.

No hair.  Wait...lots of hair, just all on top of my head.  It's growing out but not really down.  I have a big ol' white girl phro.

No news maybe isn't such good news? 

WhatsThePoint?

I'm Christmas cleaning...rearranging to make room for our Christmas tree.  And I'm at that point. Where exactly is that point?  It's that point in the middle...'between wow that corner looks great but now there are all of these little piles of odds and ends', (dust bunnies, papers, ornaments found under the heating register from last Christmas, tinsel strands, tiny balls that the kids roll across the floor and they end up under the couch only to be reclaimed when the couch gets moved for rearrangement), and 'finished'.  That's an odd paragraph, so feel free to read it again if you need to, so that's it's clear.

When I lived with my favorite ex, Ney, I would get to that point, and then she'd come in and sort through my little piles and take care of them for me.  As a matter of fact, when Magnum's around and I get to this point I always say, "I need Ney." 

The other day, I was listening to some CD's she burned for me, and I was overcome with such...there's a word here...why don't you fill it in and I'll just keep going...and I missed her.  Like MISSED her.  Like thought for a second she and I could get together again and be really really happy.  (Shut up Ney...you love me, you KNOW you do.)

Anyway...so here I am, at that point in the middle.  But the corner sure does look nice & shiny.

Pickin&Dustin.

There are some mornings when I just stand in my dining room.  Not really doing anything.  Just stand there.  Today Magnum was still home, and I was just standing there.  He asked what I was doing just standing there.  It snapped me out of my trance.  I was like "Oh, I do that sometimes."  Hahaha.  It was funny.  Guess you had to be there.

Last night we drove through McDonald's and Magnum was supposed to order a large order of fries.  But when he ordered he said "an order of large fries".  It had me laughing so hard.  Like he was going to get an order of big ole fries.  Again, guess you had to be there.

Today is one of those days when I wake up and feel like UGH.  I don't like.  I just can't seem to get ahead.  And I think I'm ahead, and then I realize I'm just farther behind.  Grrrr.

I'm surprised I don't have an ulcer.  Or a heart attack.

Of course, in true Me style, I'll pick myself up and dust myself off, and get back into the game.  I HAVE to.  Because if I don't...who will?

In other news...JDRW came home yesterday and said "Mom, Mrs. A (his teacher) has a baby in her belly!!  I thought she just had too much turkey on Thanksgiving, but nope...she's got a baby in her belly."    Cute huh?  The funny thing is, last month we went to an open house and I told Magnum I thought she was pregnant.  She wasn't really showing, but she had a little pooch of a belly.  I guess my Pregdar is pretty good!

Ok, it's time to get to pickin' up and dustin' off. 

LameDecember.

I have been hearing over and over about the Lame Duck Congress?  I had to look it up.  It's such a stupid name.  Couldn't we come up with something better?

It's raining here.  On December 1st and we have rain.  Lots and lots of rain.  I wish it was snow.  But you can't have snow when it's 60 degrees outside.  In December.  In upstate NY.  What? 

I've been thinking I need a blog that's about something besides life.  :)  Something instructional.  Something with a purpose besides whining!  :)  Something I can share with more people.  Something I can refer people to, as a representation of my writing.  Something.  I know a lot of stuff about a lot of different stuff. 

Tomorrow I start my Christmas cards.  Yes, normally I would have started them already, but I'm waiting for an item from Stampin' Up, to make my cards.

We don't put our tree up until the first snow in December.  There's no snow in the forecast for a while.  Ugh.

And, on that happy note...this rainy weather makes me sleepy...so I'm gonna go get up on a lil' nap.  Nite.

WaitingList.

It was driving me nuts having 14 followers.  I mean, I was happy to have 14 followers, but I'm a numbers person, and 14 wasn't really doing it for me.  Now when I log on, I see "15 Followers" and it makes me happy. 

I just spent a few minutes reading through other peoples blogs, and...wait I totally just lost my thought because the dog fell off of the bed...oh, yeah...and people all seem so busy.  And I realized, I love to be busy.  I thrive at busy.  And, I'm not busy.  At all.  I'm laying around doing not much of anything these days.  I don't like it.

I've applied to a few different places for jobs.  Yesterday I sent in a resume for my favorite option so far.  I want to cross my fingers and toes and pray to a god I don't believe in...whatever I need to do to get the job.  However, I'm also a firm believer in "If I'm supposed to get it, I will."   I'm really excited about a job outside of my home.  Of course, I'm sure I'll change my mind about that after I've spent a few weeks "out".  But for now, the excitement is nice.  And surprisingly, for me, I'm excited about getting dressed up in fancy office attire and ugly shoes and looking professional.  I've never been excited about that sort of thing before.  As a matter of fact, it was one of the things I loathed about professionalness.  Now, I'm so excited!!!

Oh,  and in case anyone was wondering...I dropped my classes.  Apparently, fall spins me out of control, and I just couldn't seem to regain control in time to save my ass in my classes.  It pisses me off, while at the same time I know that it was something that really couldn't be avoided.  Hopefully, I'll get back in in the spring. 

Is there more I need to say right now?  I really probably need a list.  Lists give me hope.  But right now, my feet are cold, I have to pee, and it's nap time.  The list will wait.

15!

15th Follower gets a prize!!!  So, Follow Me!

FlowerToes.

I'm lovin' my big ol' feet background on my blog.  :)

Widow.

Last week Magnum, before he goes to work, comes up and sits on the bed next to me and says, "So, are we still in an open relationship?"  Hahahaha.  I said, "Ummm, yeah?"  Then he went on to talk to me about some sales girl he met.  :)  I told him, he could have his salesgirl if I could have Walter.  Without hesitation he said, "Ok".  So, does he like the sales girl that much?  Or does he think Walter is so far out of my league I could never have him? 

Maybe Walter is a little far fetched, but I saw him last week, and I've never felt quite so much flirty tension before.  :)  I leave out of there all flustered.  Holy crap.  And, it's soooo not me doing the flirting.  I mean, I am sweet and all, but I'm not flirting... much.   He walked in, did a double take and said, "Wow you look good."  So, either I looked really good, or it was just such a major improvement over last time, that he was shocked?  He asked me how I was, as he's supposed to, and I said good and then I asked him how his life was going...anyway, I totally caught him looking at my cleavage.  :)  Then he said, he wanted to see me in six months.  And I, in my best whiny voice, said "Six months?  That's soooo long."  So, he said, "Yeah it is a long time, let's go with three."  Hahahaha.  So, Happy Birthday To Me, as that's when I'll be seeing him next.  Except, he asked about a flu shot and I turned him down.  But, if he's the one that will be administering it, I might have to take him up on it. 

What else?

Tap tap tap?

We still don't have snow.  Which is all good I guess.  But if it's going to be cold, I think there should be snow. And, the rule is, we don't get our Christmas tree until the first snow in December.  Cross your fingers for December 1st.

I'm a Hunter's Widow until Christmas...or until Magnum gets a deer.  Either way, it gets kinda frustrating to spend EVERY weekend from Halloween to Christmas by myself with teenagers, dogs, and a five year old imp.  Not to mention the dishes, the laundry, the cleaning...blah blah blah.  :)   When do I get my hunting season?  When do I get to spend from dusk til dawn for 12 weekends, sitting around doing nothing but whatever I want to do???  Hmmmm?  If it wasn't so freaking cold, I'd take up hunting, just to be able to sit in the quiet for a few hours!  :)

My last day at my current "occupation" will be December 10th.  Whoot.  I'm excited and scared.  I haven't really got anything else lined up yet.  But, I'm excited about possibility and hope.  :)

I just heard a gunshot.  Maybe my widow days are over.  Or maybe they've just begun.  Haha, that's so wrong. 

CherryPie.

As anyone who knows me knows, my mother and I aren't best friends.  We never have been.  When I was little, if she liked something, I liked the opposite of something.  I don't know if it was intentional, or just a difference in personality, but we've just never been "that" kinda mother & daughter.

But I gotta tell you, during this time of year, I miss her.  I miss my whole family really badly.  I'm to the point where I just don't even enjoy the holidays, because my family isn't with me.

So the point is, I teared up in the baking aisle at the grocery store today because I saw cherry pie filling.  See, my mother and I were never best friends, and we had opposite tastes, so every year, she and my grandma would bake pies.  Chocolate, Lemon, Pumpkin, Pecan...none of which were high on my likeability list.  So, one year, in my early 20's, my mother started making me my very own Cherry Pie.  It was sooo good.  She didn't just open a can off filling and pour it into a crust.  She made it from scratch.

And I miss it.

HolidayHoHum.

Warning:  I may ramble.

I am bored with life.  OMG.  I'm just so bored.  It's being here in NY.  I need to get out more and meet people.  I hate it that for Thanksgiving, no one will be here.  Granted we go elsewhere for dinner, but it's soooo NY.  And when dinner's over, we go home...blah blah blah.  In my family, you stay FOREVER at dinner, it's loud and crowded and people are grabbing food and gabbing away and kids are running around and there's this whole chaos thing...and it's awesome.  And then, after we stay at whoever's hosting, we leave and meet up at someone elses house for games and playing & singing songs.  It's just such a jovial time.  Here, it's like, "please pass the turkey.  O, this turkey is so delicious."  No chaos.  No crazies.  I miss the fucking crazies.  Then, the day after thanksgiving my family has this huge fundraiser, and I've never gotten to go.  Sucks balls.  This year my brother is putting on a little mini concert and I sooo wish I could be there to see it.

And, decorating the house just seems so...eh.  Like, sure, it needs to be cute for us, but NO ONE ever comes over.  No one will be here for Christmas.  We'll sit around, be lazy.  There's no craziness.  There's no grandma burning candied yams, there's no smoke filled kitchen, there's no laughter, there's no cousins chasing each other through the house with their shiny new toys. 

Sigh. 

Here we have family we NEVER see.  Grandkids we never see.  A daughter we never see.  A brother we never see.  They are all so fucking mean and selfish around here, that no one gets together to celebrate anything. 

I should be excited right now.  I should be cleaning and organizing for putting up the tree.  But, I have no motivation.

There ya go, rant all done.

BigBreastsShortLegs.

I decided today that I was going to figure out how to winter my turkeys because I love them.  I was ready to do whatever it takes to get them through.

I love them.  I love how they follow me to the bus, to greet JDRW.  I love it that they follow me to the mailbox.  I love how they waddle when they walk...they look just like little mini dinosaurs.  I love it that I know all of their personalities so well.

Love.  

As it turns out...I'll be saying good-bye to them soon.

During my research, I discovered that the Broad Breasted White turkey's were created for meat.  They are meant to be eaten.  They can't reproduce because their breasts are too big and their legs are too short (Haha, I know a few girls like that.).  Anyway, because of their size, if you don't use them for food, they will die (some as early as 10 months old) because their hearts and skeletons aren't strong enough to support their fat asses.

Leave it to me to fall in love with something that's doomed from creation.

Fail.

I decided earlier tonight that I'd get rid of things that make me feel as though I've failed.  My Etsy account, for starters.  I just don't use it, and it weighs on me.  My textbooks, which lay on the end table, mocking me, reminding me that I couldn't hang.  My turkeys, which we can't winter, but I can't eat.  "Friends" that I just don't have time to be friendly too (or who don't seem to have time to be friendly to me).

But then I thought, if I were really getting rid of things that I felt as though I've failed at, I'd be a lonely naked shell of a person.

I'd have to add to the list:  Parenting, Marriage, Employment, Money&Bills, My Messy Ass Bedroom, My Ass, All of the half finished projects I've started....the list could go on forever.

I can't sleep tonight, so even sleeping can be added to failing.

I couldn't wait for today to be over, so I could start fresh tomorrow.  And here I am, awake, prolonging my night, so I have to wait that much longer to get to tomorrow. 

When I was younger, a night like this would mean something bad was going to happen.  I used to think it was pretty cool, my ability to see into the future, to predict the demise of someone. 

I don't think it's cool anymore. 

I just want to sleep.

Fail.

Tired.

It's crazy how I can't write when I'm crabby.  I don't even know why I'm crabby today.  I woke up crabby. 

I'm tired of two year olds who still put EVERYTHING in their mouths.  I'm tired of snotty runny nosed kids who lick their snot (I mean REALLY??).  I'm tired of parents who can't wash their kids faces before bringing them into public.  I'm tired of not being appreciated.  Oh, and, I'm tired.  I'm tired of applying for jobs and not hearing back.  I'm tired of washing dishes.  I'm tired of cooking dinner.  I'm tired of taking care of everyone else, while no one takes care of me.  I'm tired of things being harder than they have to be.  I'm tired of money.  Things have to get better, right?

WutheringWhat?

I've never read Wuthering Heights.  Couldn't even tell you what it was about, or who wrote it.

But in my writing yesterday, the woman is helping the man to choose a book for his grandmother, and they find a first edition of Wuthering Heights.  I just thought that shit right up outta no where. 

So, today, I decided to do my research and find out how much my dude would have to pay for a first edition of Wuthering Heights.  

Great.  It's the rarest of first editions.  And, so my dude has to either be crazy or loaded, not to even mention the chances of the woman having the book in her store...yes it's THAT rare.  It could be an interesting little piece to my story, or I could change my book choice.  Either way, I just found it a bit funny that I'd pick THAT book.

Writing.

I'm writing again.  Whoot.  And, I love the story.  Love. 

Here's a little fact for you...Turkey's will eat the fuck out of your jackolanterns.  Just so ya know.

Halloween is over, and now it can snow.  Snow snow snow.  Outside is just so ugly right now.  But when it snows, it's sooo pretty.

I really don't have much to say as my head is in my writing.  For the rest of the month people will ask me "what's wrong?"  or they'll say "you're awful quiet today"...yeah, it's because I'm writing.  When I'm writing, I'm ALWAYS writing.  In my head...I write and write and work out all of the kinks...and then I sit and type it all out.  Tis pretty cool.  A creative writing teacher once told me that was impossible.  But she can bite me.  She was one of those people who wrote a novel, and mentions it no less than 20 times during class.  Ha.

Anyway...I'm writing...so I must go.  :)  If you don't hear from me...that's why.

Time.

I'm waiting.  I don't like waiting.  And usually, time flies if I sit down to type in my blog.  So this is an attempt to make time fly. 

The enter enter type feature still isn't working...wtf is up with that?

Last night Magnum & I went on a haunted hayride and 7 haunted houses.  It was pretty cool.  The funny thing is the stuff that was supposed to scare me...didn't.  The stuff that creeped me was the corn rustling in the wind.  Now THAT'S creepy.  The other thing that creeped me was walking into one of the houses, it was pitch black (and I was hanging onto Magnum for dear life) and as you walked through the walls got tighter and tighter until you felt like you couldn't fit anymore.  Gulp. 

I'm having an issue with JDRW's school.  We knew it would come to this didn't we?  I was just starting to get comfie with the whole thing...and we get a note home from the teacher saying she wants JDRW to be screened by an occupational therapist.   The bitch is crazy.  :)  First, he's been in school for 6 weeks.  That's all.  6 weeks.  So, anyway...apparently he needs help holding a pencil and scissors.  WHAT?  You want to label my son as "special needs" with a disability because he doesn't hold a pencil or scissors to your liking???  OMG, wtf is wrong with this world???   Needless to say, I was pretty irritated by the whole thing.  Magnum, emailed the teacher asking "if this is a problem, why are we just now hearing about it?" and so forth.  Anyway, we denied the screening, and every day since then we've gotten notes home.  "JDRW didn't finish this.  JDRW didn't do that".  Blah.  But, let me tell you something...I honestly think there's a loss of communication between he and his teacher.  She says, "write your name on the line"...and so JDRW has been writing his name ON the line so that it looks like this:  JDRW.  So, the other night, I just told him to write his name Above the line.  So, the teachers thinking he can't write his name correctly, on the line, but he's just doing what she told him!!!!  Sigh.

I'm sure it'll all work out. 

Today is his Halloween Parade and Party at school.  Parents aren't allowed to go into their kids classrooms or attend the party.  I've never had a school and didn't allow this, but whatever.  We all get to go stand outside his school, and the kids parade around so we can all see their cute costumes. 

Out of no where,  my mother calls.  Just now.  Right now.  So, I guess I'm done writing for now...

And, now I'm out.

Sideways.

So, I'm job searching.   And a local office is looking for a receptionist.  I want to apply.  The website says click here for application. 

Except, when I click, it takes me here.  And, I can not fill out an application that looks like that. 

I figured it just must be a mistake, they scanned it and didn't realize how bad the copy was.  So I called, just to inform them.  That was 3 days ago, it is still the same.

Here's the funny part...Magnum & I were out in the area of the business, and I asked him to run in and get an application for me (I was NOT dressed to go in a grab the application) so I could get a good copy, and he goes in and brings one out...and it's still the same horrible sideways icky copy.  How do you put something like that out there to represent your company? 

They need me to work there so I can fix the freakin' application.

Frustrating.

So, I really don't get people here in NY.  Mainly, family.  Everyone is just so...bitchy.  And they hold grudges.  And they are just mean.  And competitive.  And mean.

I guess I'm spoiled to southern hospitality.

There is no sense of togetherness.  No warmth of family.  No cousins.

It sucks.

And, I just don't get it.  It's all "well, what have you done for me?"  Or, "well remember 17 years ago when you said you didn't like the new wallpaper in my dining room?  Our relationship will never be the same."  Ugh.

And they don't blend families here at all.  It's all so prim and proper and "this is my perfect little family, husband wife son daughter maybe a son or daughter in law" and we don't need or want anyone else because we are just so fucking perfect.

Sigh.

This is what spurred my rant.  I invited Magnum's brother (the only one he really talks to anymore because the other one is a snob) and his family over for cake on Friday, which is Magnum's birthday...and his wife writes back and says they can't come because their newlywed daughter and son in law are coming over for dinner.  And, I can't help but think it's retaliation for the fact that we missed the brother's birthday last month because we had to work. 

Grrrr.  It's so frustrating. 

I also invited Magnum's daughter...but she hasn't shown up at any of our birthday's for the past few years, not even her little brother JDRW's.

This is just how people are around here.  It's bullshit.  Get over it you fucking morons.  Get over yourselves and realize that life is too fucking short for such nonsense.  Fuck.

Me, Giddy??

I love Walter.  Just seeing him makes me feel like I can accomplish anything.  That's how all "relationships" should be.  I know, he's my doctor so it's not a relationship...don't freak out I'm not thinking he and I are gonna run off together...but he's just so...real.  I've seen the man once.  And today I had my second visit.  First, he remembered me.  I've been to doctors before that were totally confused and had no clue who I was after several visits.  He remember I'm from Southern Illinois.  He remembered I'm in a military family.  He helps me without enabling me.  And that is what is so amazing about him. 

Enter enter type.  See, today the fact that it's not working isn't pissing me off at all.


I don't think the new drugs could possibly have kicked in yet?  But I'm hyper as hell and all kinds of giddy and right now I'm typing about 80wpm.  :)

In other news...

I was in WalMart this afternoon to pick up the new meds, and I'm looking to kill some time so I'm walking around and there in a checkout line is Two.  I turned and walked the other way.  But not before noticing she's driving around on one of those handicapped scooters.  No, I know...really I know...there are people who really need to use those things and when I hurt my ankle once, I even had to use one...but I wasn't happy about it.  (O, and my mother used one at Six Flags once, legitimately, and Ney and I took turns running innocent people down with it...but that's another story all together.)  So anyway, there she is in her handicap scooter.  I find this very funny.  She doesn't have a broken leg.  She hasn't been stricken with some uncureable disease.  She's pregnant.  That's it.  That's her big illness, her handicap.  I know, there are women who legitimately need assistance during pregnancy...but...I do not believe for half a second that she does.  I guarantee if you threw a million dollars out in the street, she's run her roly poly ass all over town to grab it.  She is the opposite of me.  I don't want people's attention because I'm sick.  She wants EVERYONE to know she's special, she needs extra attention.  I've seen 80 year old half crippled women park the carts inside, like you're supposed to, and walk the rest of the way to the car....but not Two.  She rode the fucking thing all the way outside.  Dude, I mean, if you are in THAT bad of shape, why not just have your little naive puppy dog husband go pick something up for you at the Walmart?  I mean, if your pregancy is that risky, then why even go to Walmart? 

Ok, so, maybe typing 80wpm makes me long winded?

I called Magnum when I got home and I was talking to him and he interrupts me to say, "So, you got the new meds huh?"  :)  I told him I don't think they've kicked in yet and he said "O, no?"  Hahaha.  Anyway, then he said, "Knowing you, they could have just given you sugar pills and you'd get better."  And you know what, if that worked, I'd totally go with it. 

And, on that happy note, I'm out.   My fingers are smokin'.

Private?

So, this is one of those blogs that I think I should make private, but I won't know until I'm finished.


I hate to admit it, but the sunshine doctor, might be on to something.  Because for the past few months I've been in a funk that I can not get out of.  I'm overwhelmed to the point of not even caring that I'm overwhelmed.  I realized today that at the end of August, I get allll excited about fall and Halloween, but by the time Halloween actually gets here I'm so down, that I can't even get my head around the idea of decorating.

So, maybe it really is that I've been pretty much sunless for the past few weeks.  Mostly because it's too cold out there, and partly because it's been raining like every day.

I'm going to see Walter tomorrow.  Hopefully he can offer some assistance.  He has to do something.

I'm so not "able" to do the simpliest things.  My house is a complete wreck.  I didn't go to class at all last week (partly due to a stomach issue tho).  We went apple picking yesterday and to me it should have been happy with lots of picture taking and laughter...instead it was like..."ok fill your fucking bag with apples so we can be done".  :)

The good news is, I know I need some sort of "assistance".  :)  I'll buy the fucking full spectrum lights.  I'll take pills (as long as it's not Zoloft because that shit fucks me up soooo bad, it's not even funny.  Sure it helps me focus, and for the most part, it makes me better...but when I get pissed...holy fuck you don't want to be around.  It's scary really.)

I've been pondering...am I depressed (which I hate to have that label) or am I unfocused and that makes me depressed.  Because I wouldn't call me depressed right now.  I can see the light.  It's the shit in my fucking way, that won't let me get to the light, that's pissing me off and stressing me out!  Maybe he'll give me something for ADD.  Geezus.  Wouldn't that be incredible?  Because THAT is my problem.  It always has been.  Even as a kid, I was considered a "space cadet".  All of these years...and the whole time maybe I just needed to get up on some ADD drugs. 

In other news...

I'm job searching.  Seriously.  From the very beginning I always said when JDRW goes to school, I'll quit my current "job", and go to work.  Well...he's been in school for a few months and now it's time.  (Again, tho, this focus thing gets in the way.)  I only have one client now, because I haven't advertised for more because I was going to get a job, except I haven't gotten a job.  Magnum and I figured it out a few days ago...I'm making like $3 an hour right now.  And, for a client that I can't stand.  She takes advantage, argues with me over pricing and her spawn are hellions.  Some of the worst I've seen.  There's a local job I just read about in the paper yesterday that would be perfect.  Le Sigh.

I'm also stressing, once again, over money.  It just stresses me.  Doesn't matter how much or how little we have, it still causes me grief.

O, and, I downloaded Mozilla Firefox instead of IE, and for the most part I love it.  But at the end of my paragraphs here in my blog, when I hit enter, it doesn't fucking move my cursor.  Enter, enter, begin new paragraph.  I mean really, is that too much to ask?  (IT PISSES ME OFF!)

Grrrr.

And, that kiddos, is why I'm not blogging so much.  I'm irritated and overwhelmed and my fucking cursor won't work right, the little fucker.

WhereAreYou?

I've figured out I either write when I'm very angry, or I write when I'm very happy...notice there've been very few blogs lately?  That's because I'm somewhere in the gray area in between. 

So, here I am,  to talk about a few random things.

On my way home from school, I see a church sign.  Normally I roll my eyes at quippy little church sign messages, sometimes I laugh out loud, sometimes I might even say, "whatthefuckever".  But, this particular sign, is to me, the epitomy of a representation of a god.  The sign reads: 

God Loves You Just The Way You Are!

Wow.  That is how it's supposed to be.  Not a bunch of hypocrites standing around at funerals holding up signs saying God Hates You.  What the fuck is wrong with those people?  I mean, really?  I'm not an expert on god or religion.  But, I would think, that if there is a god, any god, whom I am supposed to worship, I certainly will not be worshipping to a god who hates anyone...let alone hold up signs at a soldiers funeral stating so.  I mean come on.  What is wrong with you people?

More?  You want more?

Fine, I've been having naughty fantasies about Walter.  Haha.  So, when I go see him next, I'm sure I'll be blushing.  :)

It's been raining here for EVER.  Gray drizzly rain.  Give me tree rippin' thunder & lighting storm anyday over this blahgraycrap.

I don't have time to clean anymore, and it's bugging the piss out of me.  I mean, on the surface things usually look pretty good...but if I were you I'd stear..or is it steer?...I'd stay away from looking under the couch, or upstairs at my bedroom.  Scary stuff.  And it drains me.  It drains me more to leave it messy, then it does to spend a few hours cleaning.  But I just don't have time.......grrrrrrr.  But, I do like being busy...I just need one day alone with no kids, or animals, or husbands, or clients, or errands, or homework, or phone calls, or...the list could go on forever, right?

So, there.  A small update.  I feel like I'm cheating a little though...because it's a topical update.  A surface update.  It's telling a story, rather than expressing a feeling...I know.  I know.  I know.  But right now all I can focus on is art & perspective & economics (and my instructor-perhaps another blog) and the dirty dishes because the drain to the dishwasher & kitchen sink is broken (again, another blog perhaps). 

I just don't have time.  Time is not on my side at this time.

Lostit.

I've lost it.  And, I don't know when or why, but it's gone.

My MoJo.  Gone.  Vanished.  Poof.

I went from being this cocky confident girl to being...not.  :)  I dunno what happened.  I think it's partly the Two thing.  She's always there in the corners, like a nasty hairy spider just waiting to pounce.  But, there has to be more to the loss of my MoJo.    But what?

I think mostly, I just feel a lil lost.  I'm just here, filling space and time without a purpose or a passion. 

A few weekends ago, I saw a friend.  She is so fucking cozy to me, that it makes me ache.  And it's not an ache like, I want to throw her down and do naughty things, it's an ache to snuggle.  That's all.  Just snuggle.  Be warm and cozy and snuggly.  I miss that.  And, yeah, I get that from Magnum, but it's not the same.  It's not the same as it was before Two, and it's not the same as it is with a woman.  And, this weather...oy.  Makes the need to snuggle a cozy comfortable female body so much worse. 

So, here I am, with no MoJo, and this need for warmth and comfort.  It's crappy irony.  Dammit. 

HiLites.

I always come here to write and then I start reading other people's blogs and by then I'm too tired to write.

So here are tonights Hi Lites.

1.  I have this icky feeling in my...I want to say soul....just a bad feeling.  It was so bad last night that I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. 

2.  I think I've become much less tolerant of Magnum.  To some that might be a bad thing, to some a good thing.

3.  JDRW + school is NEVER going to make it to my top favorite things list.  But he does seem to love it.   (There's a whole blog that could go here, but I don't want to get into it.)

4.  There was a wedding yesterday.  The bride was seriously the most beautiful bride I've ever seen.  She just had a glow about her...she looked so completely content. 

5.  I'm feeling a little left out.  I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.  It kinda sucks.

6.  JDRW is now a wee lil soccer player.  Mucholove.  And the best part for me, is he loves it.  He gets so excited.  He got to be goalie the other day (which at this level means stand somewhere near the goal and keep your hands out of your shorts...and stop dancing...why is he dancing...dude...what IS he doing?)  but he was sooo excited to be goalie!  :) 

7.  School is good.  Easy.  I don't know how I can sit here and say that, and maybe I'll change my mind tomorrow...but for right now...it's good.

8.  On Wednesday I'm having oral surgery.  Fuck me.  But I'll get good drugs AND an excuse to sit on my ass and let everyone else take care of me for a minute.  (That's about how long it will last.)

And, now, I'm going to bed.  It's almost midnight and it's been an extremely HUGE weekend and I'm excited to start a fresh week.

AttackedAgain.

I would rather give birth...I would rather squeeze a human out of my fucking vagina...then have a bee sting my finger.  FUCK.

I get out of the car and am innocently walking up the steps....and bam...I'm fucking attacked by a bee.  It literally knocked me out of commision for the rest of the day.  I don't think I have ever in my life experienced that kind of pain.  It burned for 3 hours (burned...like a burn...like when you accidentally touch the racks in the oven), with NO relief at all...finally...it stopped throbbing and burning so much...now it just feels like it got slammed with a hammer.  Unless I touch it of course.  Or bend it.  Even typing gives it a little pinge.  But if I bend too much or touch, it burns and throbs so bad it's not even funny. 

Magnum's looking at me like I'm a moron or a big sissy.  But you know what dude...unless you've had menstral cramps or squeezed a human out of your dick, you can't judge me. 

I have to quit typing now because my finger's starting to throb. 

ThisNThat.

I've been in a tornado for 2 weeks.  Holy Crow. 

I went from having a fairly simple day job with plenty of down time and relaxation...to suddenly having 2 jobs, being a full time student, and having a kid in 11th grade and a kid in kindergarten...all within the past two weeks.  Don't get me wrong, I love it.  But my body hurts.  :) 

I'm having one of those Wow moments.  Because my whole life I've never really known what I wanted to be when I grew up.  And now I do.  I'm still going to pursue my teaching degree...just to have it.  But my new job...THAT is it.  It fits me so well.  I love it. 

JDRW is doing awesome in kindergarten.   On Friday I packed his lunch which included an apple.  :)  As I was packing it, he said, "I can give that to my teacher."  I was like, um, but it's part of your lunch, why don't you eat this one and we'll buy your teacher one later.  He said ok, and that was that.  When he came home he had a note from his teacher that said "Thank you for the yummy apple."  The little shit!!!  How cute is that tho?  I know I've never said anything to him about bringing his teacher an apple?  He did it all on his own.  Little charmer.  :)

It's autumn!  :)  I bought a pumpkin yesterday.  YAY!!!!!!  In a few days our front yard will be completely covered in leaves.   And it'll smell so good!  I'm making chicken noodle soup today...what a wonderful time of year.

For the record, I HATE my hair.  I need it to grow out already.  I feel like an old person.  I have old person hair.  I want to have funky cute girl hair.  But I don't.  Not even close.

And, that's all the time I have for now.  I have home work  to do, and reports to write for work, and I'm sure there's something around her that needs cleaning and any second now JDRW is going to request toast and chocolate milk (I swear as I was typing that sentence he said, "I want breakfast."  Haha.). 

So, have a good day kiddos...and...if you know of any cute cozy snuggly chics...give them my number...because it's snuggle weather and I'm missin' it.

2am.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song



If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,


Threatening the life it belongs to


And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd


Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud


And I know that you'll use them, however you want to


~Anna Nalick, Breathe
 
Of course I'm not writing a song, I'm writing a blog.  :)  I woke up about an hour ago, because it's storming out.  Then I couldn't get back to sleep.  The air is heavy in the house, so I went around opening windows.  But, I just got attacked by a moth (which people around here call Millers??) so I'm gonna go shut the windows soon.
 
I also remembered about an hour ago, that I forgot to eat dinner.  So, now, I'm hungry.  And what doth one eat at 2:48am, just 29 or so hours before JDRW toddles onto the big yellow bus that will take him away, into a new world? 
 
I wrote, a blog on paper (what???) while I was in class tonight.  It was a fun class.  I feel silly trying to talk Italian properly.  Plus, I can not roll my R's.  I can't.  It doesn't work.  My tongue is broken.  (Or maybe just dead from lack of use.)  I'll post the handwritten blog sometime later this week.  Magnum mentioned "maybe your instructor will be dreamy".  Yes, he said dreamy...because of course, we saw Eat, Pray, Love.   However, there's nothing dreamy about him.  He looks a wee bit like this guy.  :)
 
I just laughed outloud at the fact that I chose the name "Magnum" to represent my husband.  Ha.  If you currently know what I'm "doing", you'll understand why that's funny.  (At least most of you will.  Other's of you might have a Joey moment...and for you Ney...I say...wait for it...wait for it...There it is!)
 
I'm gonna miss my first art class tonight.  What a way to start the sememster?  But, my new job beckons, and I must answer the call.  :) 
 
Ok, that's all for now. 
 

Skool.

Wow.  :)  So I went to the college today to turn in my residency certificate and to go to the bookstore before my class tonight at 6.  It was sooooo crazy there today.  But I will say this...I will NEVER go back to the other school, ever ever again.  I love the new school.  Love.  They are just so freakin' nice.  I love them. 

Anyway, the point is, it was so crazy there today I was there for like 3 hours, and still didn't get my books because the bookstore line was wrapped around and down a hallway.  But I did get my student ID (and in true ME fashion I look like a Serial Killer Owl), and I got all of my financial aide squared away.  I bought a few things from the bookstore, like binders & pens and a flash drive.  I love going to school.  :)  And, I think, if the new job goes well, I can quit doing what I'm currently doing and do the new job full time!  Which would mean I could take classes during the day, and that would be heavenly.  I came home & ordered my books online to pick up when I get back over to the college for class tonight.  Funny, I was like, O, I have drawing class tonight...then I realized It's Tuesday Dork, not Monday, so you have Italiano.  Fun.  Oh and the new school is very ethnic...which I love.  The old school was a bunch of snotty white kids.  (I know, shut up.)  This should be fun!!!!

Speaking of the new job...holy crow.  I made more in one night at the new job then I make in 1/2 a week at my current job, without taking my clothes off!  :)  Haha, that makes it sound like I take my clothes off for my regular job...and I assure you, I do not.  But, that would probably better then my regular job...blah blah, I'm rambling...anyway......Magnum & I, working together in the new job, made more then I make in a week...for just two nights of work.

I won't even talk about JDRW going to school on Thursday.  Really...I get ill.  I mean, he's going to have to do things by himself.  Like open his Gogurt.  Or button his pants...what if the button is really hard?   Or what if he sits next to some kid who is gross when he eats and it makes JDRW gag?  (He gags at icky kids...which is funny, but might not be funny if he pukes on the kid.)

I wonder if Walter would give me something for anxiety?  Not like something I need to take every day...but just something I could pop when I get to feeling sooooo crazy overwhelmed & anxious?

I have been drug free (I only ever took prescription drugs, so this is what I'm referring to...nothing illegal as I've never partaken.  I'm 38 and have never partaken of the marijuana...wtf is wrong with me...damn Baptist mother) for a while now...and I'm doing really well with it...but boy what I wouldn't do for some fast acting anxiety drug.  :)

And that's all I got for now.  Tonight, Italian.  Tomorrow night I'm skipping my first drawing class because I have work.  Then Economics on Thursday.  Whoo-hoo!

Fail.

So, I realized early yesterday morning that I'd failed at the nabloplomo thing.  I hate it.  But, o, well.  I got busy.

What did I get busy with?  My new job.  Which, I can't go into detail about...and it's killing me.  :)  It's just sooo very cool.

In other news...we went to see Eat Love Pray last night...it was surprisingly good.  I cried through the whole thing.  I want to be Julia Roberts when I grow up.  (And there was Italian speaking in the movie which made me excited about my Italian class.)

Then, I cried in the truck on the way home because JDRW is going to school, without me, in 3 days.  I seriously get nauseous just to think of it.  He will be different.  It will change him.  And I know, it's ok.  Change is good.  But, it's just that for all of this time, he's been MY baby.  He is amazing because of me (and his dad and siblings, but he's been with me for most of the time) and now he's going to school and he'll have a teacher and friends and he's going to learn from them...and that's great...he's just going to be different.  Not my baby anymore.

Let's go back to the new job stuff.  It's only part time, but it's really good money.  And, it's sooo interesting.  And, I have a title.   :) 

There's more to write...but Teenager 2....wait...one more thing...

Teenager 1 got a new job and her clients called the other day...I was nervous because I knew they wanted to talk to me so I of course thought it was bad...but they called and went on and on about how much they love her.  I feel so proud.  :)

So anyway, Teenager 2 is badgering me to take him to his girlfriend's house....so I'm out.  I'm pretty sure I'm going to go Back2School shopping today too...as much as I hate it.  :(

Distract?

I'm not getting fucked because the person who's supposed to be doing the fucking is watching jersey fucking shore. 

There.  Now I feel better.

So, I have this guard up these days.  There's not a lot of feelings going on 'round here.  There's no touchy feely or lovey dovey.  We're just here.  Living...sorta.

Tonight I'm thinking...hmmmm...

And, I'll keep on thinking cuz aint nothing going on 'round here.

I need a distraction.  Anyone wanna distract me?

Art.  Aint Rockin' This?  Aren't Ridin' That?

Art?

So, this is from www.nablopomo.com: 

...The theme for September blogging is ART. It's a theme that lets you post about art others have made that inspires you as well as the ways you bring the arts into your own life. It's also a good theme for niche bloggers who have made an art of whatever it is they do, be it knitting, jousting, or growing heirloom tomatoes. Art is all around us if we know where to look....

So, Art?  Yeah, kinda funny that you'll probably be hearing a lot about Art from me because I just enrolled in my first ever art class.  Me??  Art??  What?? 

My fall classes are:

Intro to Drawing
Intro to Economics
Elementary Italian
Physical Science

I think the only one that might bore me is Economics.  But who knows?? 

And, I'm going to a new community college for these classes.  The other college, as you all know, sucks ass!!!  The new college is awesome.  A lady from financial aid talked to me on the phone for at least 1/2 hour today while she was figuring my stuff out.  She never once acted impatient or bothered.  Twas quite refreshing.

O, and did I mention?  I got a new job?  Well, yes, yes I did.  And tomorrow I have to go fill out the paperwork.  Yay.

Me.

There's a description in Jennifer Weiner's new book that I love. 

"big-breasted, heavy-hipped" 

Haha.  That's me!  :)

Opportunity.

First, this has to be said...this is my 500th post.  I'm kinda proud of that.  I don't stick with things.  I get bored.  But, whatdyaknow?  I like writing.  Mostly about myself.  I've stuck with it.  500 times.  :)  Yay for me.

And, in this 500th post, I have exciting news.  :)  An opportunity has presented itself to me.  And, I am sooooo damn excited. 

We all know I love the power of positive thought.  I don't always USE the power, but I fully believe it is there.  And I believe that if your heart is true and your mind is in the right place, you'll find the answers.  (I think it's my own little form of Taoism?) 

I've been struggling.  Literally struggling...losing sleep...over what to do with my life.  I go round and round.  A few months back, I thought I'd decided.  And, then I changed.  Laddddyyy laddyyyy lah. 

So, the point is, out of the blue, I get a call from someone today, making me an offer.  I.  AM.  EXCITED.

It's WAY out of my comfort zone.  It's not something I have EVER done before.  I'm a lil nervous, but so very excited.

My last post was about how I wanted to Quit, and how I can't.  Then I get this new opportunity today...it's just so...so...what's the word????    Is it sychronicity??  

Quit.

I want to quit.  OMG, I want to quit.

I emailed my client...the one who never pays on time but asks for tons of extra's all of the time...to mention that today was pay day.  I don't like to sound mean...so I write this:  "I guess there's no chance you could pay me today?"  She writes back:  "None."  Isn't that lovely?

I know, there are those who would say that I approached it the wrong way...but I've tried the other ways.  "You need to pay me today."  "Don't forget today is pay day."  "I really need you to pay me tonight."  "Are you going to be able to pay me today?" 

None of it matters.  She pays me on Saturdays...not Fridays.  And usually I have to hunt her down on Saturday.  Or, if I don't hunt her down, she'll pay me on Monday.  I suppose this is an improvement, considering I've had to wait until Wednesday or Thursday on a few occasions.

She isn't a good client.  I need to kick her to the curb.  But right now, I'm not in a position to do that.  And, so I have to put up with her shit.  It. Sucks. Dick.  And not a good dick.  Fat sweaty ass smelling dick.

Ew.  Sorry.

:)

But, I mean, COME ON.

I just did a quick little addition and subtraction and I can't afford to quit.  I want to.  But I really can't.  I guess I could...but we would be sooooo tight on money...we wouldn't be able to breathe.

Holy Fuck.  My head is indeed going to explode.

Tired.

This is how I feel today:

Spend all your time waiting



for that second chance


for a break that would make it okay


there's always one reason


to feel not good enough


and it's hard at the end of the day


I need some distraction

(For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past 20 years, those are lyrics from Sarah McLachlan.)

Swallow?

My throat hurts.  It burns to swallow, or eat, or drink, or breathe.  Actually swallowing food helps a lil because it scrapes along my throat and scratches an itch I don't even know I've got until it gets scratched.  But just laying here...my throat is burning.  I looked at my tonsils earlier, and on the left side, the side that hurts the most...there's a white spot. 

The sucky part is, when I'm sick, I pretty much have to deal.  I'm still expected to work.  I'm still expected to be a mom.  I'm still expected to be a wife.  A cook, a maid, a chauffer, nice. 

I get these often, these white spots on my tonsils.  I want to google what it could be, but you know the pictures are going to make me gag.  And gagging + sore throat can only = serious ouch.  I guess if it's not better by Monday, I'll have to go see Walter.  Poor poor pitiful me. 

This particular sore throat happened right after I left my dentist office.  Is there a coorelation?

Speaking of the dentist...I think I've finally got it right this time.  I love the way the dentist talks to me.  He doesn't make me feel like an idiot.  I mean, let's face it, my mother sucked.  And, dental hygiene wasn't at the top of her priority list.  (What was at the top of her list?  I guess that's a whole different blog to consider...and probably for a room of therapists to ponder.)  Anyway...the new dentist doesn't scare me.  And, that is awesome.  I've never been so calm in a dentists chair before. 

Dammit, my throat really hurts.  Dammitdammitdammit.

Blogroll.

So, I'm going to do the blog for a month thing in September.  To get me in the mood, I thought I'd answer writing prompts in short answer form, for August from NaBloPoMo.  Fun.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


What do you know about the day you were born?
 It was February 27th, 1972.  I was born at Memorial Hospital.  My parent's and my great aunt and uncle lived in duplex.  They all went to the hospital.



Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What do you do to make yourself fall asleep? 
I count.  Sometimes I just count...but sometimes I get bored so I count sheep.  And my sheep are sooooo awesome.  They are the coolest colors.  Magenta, Lime Green, Black, Torquise, Orange, Golden Yellow.  Like this but colored. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What's your idea of perfect happiness?
Being Content.  Warmth, family, coziness, dark red, homemade soup, fire in the fireplace.  No worries about money or bills.  Health.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Do you have a nickname? How'd you get it?
My dad used to call me Sis.  My brother's still do.  My great grandma used to call me EvaRee.


Friday, August 20, 2010

What's the one sport you're most capable of playing for 30 minutes?
Bowling.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

What do you collect?

Ladles is my newest of the things I collect.






Wednesday, August 18, 2010

If a movie studio just bought the rights to a screenplay of your life, what would it be called, and who would play you?

Overcoming My Life?  Evangaline Lily








Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What's one thing that always makes you laugh, no matter what?
My brother.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Tell us about a memorable car trip you took as a kid.
Camping where we met this other family and there was a boy with a big birthmark on his belly that I took a liking to...and I'm pretty sure my Aunt totally "did" the kids father.  I don't remember the kids name, but I remember the brother was named Roland because we kept singing Rollin' Rollin' Rollin on the river.  I almost drown at a waterslide that year too.


Friday, August 13, 2010

What's one superstition you still sort of maybe believe in, just a little bit?

I eat black eyed peas every New Year's Day for good fortune in the new year.






Thursday, August 12, 2010

You have to give away all your shoes except for one pair. Which ones do you keep?
I'd have to keep my sneakers...they are versatile.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Who's the oldest person you know?
Personally?  Probably my grandma...she's like 215 or something.



Tuesday, August 10, 2010

If you had to take ten people to the moon to start a new civilization, who would you pick?
Mmmm...what a good question.  My first reaction was Magnum, of course.  He can't make babies anymore...but he's very very handy.  So, yeah, him.  I'll have to think on this one.  (And, I'll take my kids, but they won't be in the list.)

1.  Magnum.
2.  Greg (Magnum's friend from way back...he and Magnum get along well and he's intelligent).

Wow, really a lot of thought is going into this...a lot more than I plan to...

Is this the same as, who would you want to be locked in a basement with during a natural disaster because that might change my answers.

Who the fuck could hold my interest on the moon???

3.  Walter.
4.  Ney.  She can still have babies.
5.  Someone to impregnate Ney.  Um....Nathan Kress.  I don't know him personally, but he's Freddy on ICarly.  Is that wrong?
6.  Skye.  I didn't want to say her, but dammit, if I'm on the moon...I may as well have her.  :)

Ok, I will have to update this with "comments" as I come up with 7, 8, 9, 10.




Monday, August 9, 2010

Have you ever turned anyone you didn't like at first into a friend? How did you do it?
Yeah, but now I hate her again.  And, I'm sure it's happened more than once.  Usually if they get past my hard bitchy exterior, they'll stay my friend.  :)

Official.

So, I've gone back and forth, back and forth, on what the next step is in my life...and I have decided.  Keep doing what I'm doing, and go to school.

This sounds like any ol' other "idea" I've had, but this time, I'm gonna make what I'm doing "official".  It's a pain in the ass...but I need to do it.  It makes sense...but it is a lot of work.  But, by going official, it will mean more opportunities & a better income which will provide a better life for my family.  So, I'm gonna do it.  It makes me nervous, but I know I can do it. 

This also means, I'm gonna make this blog private.  Not that it's a problem really...but I just don't want my clients to stumble upon my blog about my private life.  I mean, I try to remain anonymous...but we all know that one can never truly remain anonymous...if someone wants the dirt, they'll find it.  (Not that there's "dirt" really...but you know what I mean.)

So, hopefully, soon, I'll be all official and stuff. (I'm having problems spelling official....must spell check.)

O, and Teenager 1 wants to be home schooled.  I can do that...right?

WOTD:  Official    (in the adjective form).

Homesick.

I do not love NY.  We've all seen the T-Shirts, I love NY.  Well, I will not be sporting one of those shirts anytime soon.  People in NY are just so mean.  (I know I'm generalizing...and perhaps you aren't one of those people.)  But, the sense here in NY is that everyone is out for themselves.  They want to be better than you.  Need to be better than you.  Don't give a shit about anyone except themselves.  Where I come from, if you see someone in need, you help.  Here, you see someone in need and the response is usually something along the lines of "well, how'd they get into that situation to begin with?"  Or, "well, if they need food why don't they go out and find a job?"  And so forth.  Fuck me people, what the hell is wrong with you?  Or, that short lady at the grocery store can't reach the canister of cocoa on the top shelf...how many New Yorker's do you think will walk right by without helping???   Flat tire?  Where I come from, you stop & check on the people and help if they need help.  In NY, "someone will help them I'm sure they have a cell phone". 

And, you know what, it's HARD not to be like them.  It's hard to stay upbeat when people are such jerks.  It wears a person out.  Everyone is just out for themselves. 

I can envision NY people reading this blog and saying "Well, if it's so much better where you come from then maybe you should go back there." 

I wish I could. 

But maybe New Yorker's could just try for about half a second to be nice?  What?  What's that?  Offer help.  Be nice.  Keep your dirty looks to yourself.  Shut your mouth. 

I want to be nice.  But, how do you be nice to people who are such asses?

I miss home.  I really really miss home.  Don't get me wrong, those people drive me nuts too...but in a kinder, gentler way.  They are annoying for sure.   And you know what, they don't have much.  But, what they do have, they would gladly share with anyone in need. 

Where I come from, you can stop by anyone's house at any time and you are welcomed.  You don't have to call ahead, or schedule a visit 4 months in advance.  You just show up.  And, if it's dinner time, you'll eat.  They'll insist.  Even if they barely have enough for their family, they will insist that you too, have some supper. 

I keep thinking, that if I keep a positive attitude, somehow, I'll get back there.  I don't want to go back because of negative circumstances.  I want to go back because life has afforded me an opportunity to do so. 

Today is just one of those days when I miss family.  I miss my mother.  (No, I am not pregnant or dieing.)  I miss my brother's and cousins and aunts and uncles.  And, my grandma who won't be around much longer.  I miss them so much. 

Why can't it just be easy?  Just once, why can't I have it easy?

WOTD:  Homesickness

Blog.

Blogging for me, started out just being a place to write (because I love reading my own writing and am frequently found laughing out loud at my own stuff) and to vent (I've done more venting than anything I suppose...blah blah blahdy blah.) 

But today, I realized, it's a lot more than that.  For instance, I've learned from blogging that a lot is spelled a lot, not alot.  Because I read this.  I will never again wonder or have to ask if it's alot or a lot.  However, I will often times use alot instead of a lot, just because I can!  And, today the lady who checked me out at the market was named Ute, which made me think of my fellow blogger.  And on the drive home, in this rainy fall weather, I paid attention to the world around me.  I looked up.  I checked for signs of autumn.  And for that, I can thank her.  Her blog about autumness gave me a warm and cozy feeling.  Sometimes, I read blogs of those I follow, or of those who follow me.  Sometimes I just click through random blogs.  I've learned a lot about a lot (and Alot) through blogging.  I've read through a battle with cancer here.  And this blog and her photography and the simplicity of it, are simply amazing.  And, this one of my favorite blogs to read, because she's just real.  And, of course there's my favorite author's blog.  She's so stinking funny!  And she was one of the first blogs that I ever read.  :)

I love being able to peek into other people's lives & minds.  It's an exploration, a journey, and a learning experience. 

Much love to them all...in their own crazy way they keep me sane.  Most days.

WOTD:  Blog.

Putrid.

The completely putrid smell coming in my bedroom window, from my basement, somehow excites me.  It means that my washer & corresponding pipes are getting fixed.  Exxxxciiiittttiiiinnnnggggg.

WOTD:  Putrid.

WOTD.

So, here's my new thing.  A word of the day.  I might not actually get to post a word of the day every day...but every day I do post, there will be a word of the day linked. 

Today's word?  Bigot.  And for today, I'm going to give you a few words that I think of when I hear the word bigot.  Hypocrite (or hypocrisy).  Ignorance. So, why these words?  Because I am rather bothered by self-professed "christians" who act like ignoratant hypocritical bigots.  :)  Or is it an act?  I'm not a christian.  I'm not even sure if I believe in god.  However, I am not uneducated in christianity.  I know a few things.  And, it irks me, to hear "christians" talk about how they HATE something.  Other people, other religions, other countries.  They protest.  They run their mouths about shit they have no idea about.  It's rampant ignorance.  I know a few "christians" who don't like Obama.  So be it.  There's always gonna be those who think they know better and they know what he should and shouldn't do.  Blah.  But, the reason these "christians" don't like Obama, isn't because of his politics.  Or even his religious background (although it is pure blasphemy, I'm sure).  But because of the color of his skin.  Really Christians?  Really?

Don't misunderstand.  I appreciate religion.  I even admire those who find faith in something so seemingly obscure. 

What I don't care for are those people who preach preach preach about The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost but act like complete blathering idiots about stuff they have no idea about. 

And, now that I've blathered on about religion, I have popped a contact and must go rinse and reinsert.  :)

Focus.

I need to focus (shut up New Girl) on what is important.  I'm all scattered about right now...and I need to focus on what I need & want to accomplish.  I need to set realistic goals.  My mind is running in a million different directions and I need to be grounded...centered...unfuckedup.

A list?  Sure.

Things I need to get into focus:

1.  School.  I am in line to get into Suny Plattsburgh in the Spring.  However, I am now trying to take a few classes at Schenectady, because the guys over at PBurgh recommended I do so.
2.   Teenager 2-School & Job.
3.  Teenager 1-Car.
4.  Get ORGANIZED!  Every where I look there's clutter.  Everywhere....it's driving me insane.

NFC.

I'm too old to start over.  And even if I don't really believe that...the plain and simple truth of the matter is, I don't want to start over.  Because GODDAMMIT....I just don't want to.

Yeah yeah.  I'm here again.  At this point I get to every couple of weeks.  And then I write it all out and my stupid fucking positive glass half full ass, works it all out and it's sunshine & fucking pretty little blue birds again.  Until, the next time.

Grrrr.

So, here's the story...I know...I know...pathetic huh?  Wait...I haven't even told you the story.  But I'll bet anything, any one of you can guess??  Right?

For future reference Two will be referred to as NFC.  (And for those of you who can't read my mind, that's short for Nasty Fucking Cunt.  Yes.  I said it.  So, what?  She is what she is.)

I'm soooo not going to go into it...but something happened and it just brought all of the NFC shit to the surface.  It's like ripping out the stitches before the hole heals. 

And Magnum, is crabbier than fucking ever.  I just...can not stand it. 

I fantasize about leaving him.  About having my own place.  About moving back to where I came from. 

And, then reality comes a knockin'.  Where am I gonna go?  Is it really that bad?  If you talk to him, maybe he'll realize he's a crabby motherfucking dick and he'll be nicer?  Maybe NFC will get hit by a truck, because I swear to GOD that's all that will ever keep those two apart.  I'm sure as fuck not managing to do it.  Maybe I'm just being unreasonable or overly sensitive.

And, of course, I start thinking well I'll just get me a lil something to occupy my time.  But, I don't want that either. 

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

And, I'd give ANYTHING for one hour alone with NFC's naive little husband. 

Exactly.

People keep pulling me in a thousand different directions and making me feel guilty when I can't do whatever they want whenever they want...and what the fuck do they do for me? 

Exactly.

Gobble.

So, I have turkeys.  We know this, but in case you don't...

Magnum told me his brother (whom I have a huge crush on-not that that's relevant?) was getting turkeys & did we want some?  So I'm all excited because we are getting pets.  Magnum & I had a different idea of what the turkeys would be used for.  I thought pets, he thought food, I cried.  Seriously.  Cried hard.  Over fucking baby turkeys (called poults when they are wee ones, btw).  So, after much crying we aren't going to eat turkeys.  His brother will eat his.  And guess who's house we go to for Thanksgiving every year?  And guess who's bringing pizza or something to eat to thanksgiving this year.

Anyway...the whole point is...my turkeys have personality.  For real.  We named them all before we knew who were boys or who were girls. 

There's Penelope...Penny for short.  She's a he.  :)  Anyway, he's the big one of the group...the bad ass.  The dogs come after them, and Penny puffs up and her whole head turns bright read and she does this spitting kinda noise.  It's a pretty awesome display.  AND, she loves the color green.  I know there are those who think I'm crazy (so tomorrow I'm going to make a video of it)...but if you hold up two things in front of Penny, one any color and one green, she will always pick the green.  Magnum used to wear a green bracelet...Penny always pecked at it.  Yesterday she pecked it right off of his arm and tried to swallow it.  Today, Teenager 1 made a card and brought it outside to show me...and it had a green ribbon on it...Penny about took her arm off.

Then there's Gus.  Gus is the smallest and he's a she.  She's the escape artist.  Every morning, she is out of their enclosure.  It's so funny.  I'll go out into their room, and I'll look over the little dividing wall...and I'll see 3 of them and out of the corner of my eye I'll see movement and somewhere in the room Gus will be perched.  :)

Then we have Grady.  He's a he,  and he is soooo damn funny to me because is a chicken.  And, not so smart (even by turkey standards).  He gets lost from the rest of them.  And there's a call they do when they get lost.  And when we hear a turkey making that call we know it's Grady.  Plus, sometimes, they get up on the enclosed porch, where they aren't supposed to be...and the others all figure out how to get out, but not Grady.  He'll just stand there and make the call until someone shows him how to get out.  And on more than one occasion he's climbed into the dog kennell, and can't figure out how to get out.  Today, when I was letting them outside, he couldn't figure out how to go out the door of the room.  Oh, and there was a confrontation between them and the dogs today...and we went out and noticed that Penny was a little roughed up from wrestling with the dog...and there were only 3 turkeys.  15 minutes later we find the missing Grady...hiding in the bushes clear across the yard.  I didn't see it happen but I can imagine the dog comes over, Penny & the dog start to "argue" and Grady sees this and he's like FUCK this I'm outta here.  (And, if you don't know...turkeys can RUN!)

And, finally, there's Glory.  She's a she.  She's the gentle one.  She's just kinda there.  She hasn't shown any crazy character traits yet...but I'm sure she will.

So, which one would you eat???  I mean, yes, in a survival situation I could nom nom nom on any one of them.  But, I mean, I could not eat any of them...I love them.  :)

ElCamiNOOOOO.

So, Ute, check this out.  :)

Miss.

Craving.

I've been dreaming about men.  It is good.  I mean, maybe it's not good that I'm dreaming about men, but the dreams are quite yummy.  And of course, it makes me miss men.  Magnum mentioned today that Lexi just doesn't give up.  And he was standing there in jeans and a white t-shirt and he looked so hot...and I thought, if I had him on the line I'd yank & reel & yank & reel until I had him.  (Because, if he wasn't my husband, I'd totally be gaga over him...does that even make sense?)  I told him to tell Lexi that maybe she's using the wrong bait.

I guess I just miss that wanted/wanting stage. 

Plus, I'm totally craving Skye right now.  Hubba.

Pledge.

Ok, so, here I go again with a new "effort"...a pledge of sorts...a list of things I'm going to try to accomplish over the next 4 months. 

1.  I'm gonna be nicer to women.  (Hehe, not like that!)  Women are just kinda cunty in general.  We all want the gossip on each other, and we all want to be better than the other, and I'd really like to see more support within this area of my life.  (WTF is wrong with me?  I'm fucking getting old, huh?)  But for real, I'm going to try to be more supportive and understanding of women in my life & in general.  I used to say "If I don't want to fuck 'em, I hate 'em."  Not anymore by gosh! 
2.  I just want to be nicer in general.  I go through these phases where I'm just negative all of the time.  I blame it on the company I'm currently keeping because he's a fucking miserable crabass all of the fucking time and it's gotten to the point where I'm about this - close to telling him to get a better attitude or fuck off.  So, if my attitude is better, then maybe his will be.  And if my attitude is better, and his isn't, then I won't feel as bad when I tell him to go fuck himself.  :)
3.  I have GOT get some organization in my life.
4.  I have GOT to get in better shape.  (Notice I didn't say in shape...I said in better shape!)  :)
5.  I am seriously going to catch up on my past due bills.  My own personal ones...I'm all good with the household & family stuff...but my personal stuff, needs to be taken care of.  And it's totally not even that much!
6.  Volunteer.  Donate.  All of that good stuff. 

And, that's all I have for now.  :)  (Me, stop a list at #6?  I must be ill.)

Break.

Ok, so...I haven't been putting much into my blogs because for some reason, I think I'm being cautious about what I write.  When the fuck did I start to care about what people might think when reading my stuff?  I mean, come on.

That having been said...

I am bored.  Really.  Understimulated.  Beige, blah, benign. 

And, I feel, once again, like I'm being held back.  Swimming upstream.  Walking around in concrete shoes.  Talking with taffy in my mouth.  Stuck in reverse, or at best, in neutral.  Sometimes, I might even get to 3rd or 4th gear, but that never lasts and the brakes are slammed on. 

Grrr.

I need a vacation.  Alone.  Just me.  Somewhere that I don't have to clean or cook or take care of anyone but me.  Because I'm responsible (around here) for everything.  And, I need a break.

I really wanna go home.  There's a comfort there that I can't get anywhere else. 

But maybe just a "me" vacation would at least give me a refreshing break and maybe I could come back with some new perspective.

Pancakes.

I need a comfort girl.  I need a girl I can call and say "hey, lets go get pancakes" and she'll be here in 5 minutes.

Worth?

I have stuff.  Lots of stuff.  But I have no idea of whether or not it's valuable.  I've googled and googled until my eyes about fall out of my head.  I have Homer Laughlin plates and an ivory (and the question is, is it authentic ivory or not?) vase and an antique cherub oil lamp...I want to sell these items, but for the right price.  And I have no clue where to even begin to find the right price. 

And those are just 3 things...I have about a trillion more.

Mundane.

I got nothing.

I mean, I got lots and lots to write about...but it all seems so mundane. 

I went to the dentist.  I knocked my front tooth loose when Magnum and I were in a tif and I couldn't get the seat of his truck to go forward and when it did it slammed into my face.  I hate the dentist.  But the guy was nice.  He told me it'll probably tighten up on it's own and he gave me good drugs.  I certainly can't complain about that.  :)

Teenager 1 is not moving back to Illinois afterall.  The little dick she was talking about marrying, once again, proved himself to be a huge prick, so she's staying.  She actually has a date this week with a local boy.  :)  Kinda funny because she's not accustom to "dating".  It's usually an internet based thing first, and then maybe going out.  She's hardly talked to this guy.  It'll be interesting to see how this goes.  O, and he's older.  He's 23.  I don't think she's gone out with someone older before.

This is my least favorite time of year.  I hate this end of summer crap.  It's just so damn boring.   It's in between and I don't like in between.  It's like I'm just waiting and waiting for fall.    And, I'm waiting to get JDRW's letter about kindergarten.  Like who his teacher will be and his supply list.  I've already got his backpack picked out online.  Wanna see?  The brown one.  I'm not sure if it will have his name or his initials or his last name.  I haven't decided yet.

See, boring mundane crap.

Should we have a list?  Sure.  Top 10 Things That Are Good About This Time Of Year:

1.  Fishing.  I'm loving it.
2.  Warmth.  My toes are warm almost all of the time.
3.  Farm fresh veggies.  Mmmm, tomatoes.
4.  There's potential for camping.  (Although we have not done so yet & probably won't.)
5.  Um...fishing?
6.  JDRW looks cute as hell because he runs around with no shoes and no shirt all day and he gets soooo dirty.
7.  Really?   Really?  I can't think of ten things?  Six Flags.  We are going there this month.
8.  Maybe we'll go to the ocean?
9.  Washington County Fair?
10. Fall is soon.