NOT.

Last month her son had Lyme Disease too.  Good god.

Ok, enough about that...

JDRW had a tick.  He complained that his armpit was hurting.  Of course, we just figured he was playing too rough...but then I was in the tub and he had to pee, and he was wearing footie jammies, and he says "mom, I think something bit me on my elbow", and I look and sure enough...there's a fucking tick on his back, just under his arm.  Fuck.  So Magnum gets it out, and puts it in a baggie and we'll take it to the doctor tomorrow.   I think it's been there since Sunday (having an independent kid who likes to bathe himself and dress himself has its drawbacks...who knew?) but Magnum, of course, says it coulda just got there today.  But it looks icky.  I've never seen a tick bite look so icky.  So, I'm sure JDRW will start on an antibiotic tomorrow.

Oh, and I got 100 on my math test.  Isn't THAT a little bit afuckingmazing?

And, one more whine before I go...

You have a runny nose.  That is NOT swine flu.
You have a cold.  That is NOT swine flu.
You have the flu.  That is NOT swine flu.
You have a mosquito bite.  That is NOT swine flu.
This is swine flu.

Fuck me people. 

FFS

So, why don't you text back and say:  I don't fucking care???

Ugh.

Magnum said Two texted him to tell him that her whole family has H1N1.  N1H1?

First of all, No, they don't. 

Second of all, why does he care?  For fuck's sake...

Mommy.

Two things: 
1st:  My mother and I are not what anyone would call close.  We never were "best friends".  The most we did when I was younger was tolerate each other.  Now that we've both grown older, we get along and talk pretty regularly (like once every two weeks is regularly to me). 
2nd:  I rarely get so sick that I can't get out of bed.

A few weeks ago I got food poisioned, and it was Monday morning and I told Magnum I didn't think I could get up for work, and he made some comment about how he was sorry that he had to go to work. And, then I said "I need my mom."

Either he knew then that I was on the brink of death because I said I needed my mother, OR, he feared I might call her and she might actually show up on our doorstep.

Either way, Magnum let me stay in bed all day, waited on me, brought me drinks and soup, and ran the business all day.

So, I guess the magic words for me to stay in bed all day are not "but I need you baby" or "I'm so sick"...nope, all I gotta say is "Mommy?" and he comes runnin'.  :)

Cold.

I live in NY.  My three teenagers have chosen to live in IL with their father.  I can't say I blame them.  Well, not the father part...but the family part.  In IL they have grandma's and aunts and uncles and tons of cousins.

People ask me how they are doing.  I tell them they are doing fine.  And they are.  But, I don't check up on them.  They are my friends on facebook, but I rarely look at their pages. 

Is that weird?

Why don't I talk to them more often?

Because it sucks and I miss them.  :(  I don't think people get that sometimes.  I think sometimes people think I'm kinda "cold" when it comes to my kids.  But really, I'm not.  I just...know they are safe and healthy and happy...and that's good for me. 

All for now...peace.

Disorderly Conduct.

I am a classic case of...I want I want I want I get I don't want anymore.  WTF is wrong with me?

I've been flirting and teasing this client of mine for weeks and then I get in a little snuggle, and poof.  The attraction is gone.  Ugh.

In other news...

I can't do things if Magnum knows I'm trying.  Let me explain...

I joined the Y last February.  I went religiously, at least twice a week, if not more.  I loved it.  And then, Magnum started going with me.  We went twice together, and I never went back.

I was doing the healthy thing, and I told Magnum, and a few days later I was eating a cookie and he said "you're slippin'" and it's been downhill ever since.

Roller Derby.  I was all gung ho about it.  I was going to do it, no matter what.  Except I mentioned to Magnum that I was thinking about joining, and now, I'm not even the slightest bit interested.

So, tell me, what psychological disorder do I have?  I expect him to expect me to fail, and I do.  Right?

Fib.

Fibonacci Numbers are fascinating.

Traded?

Yesterday Magnum and I had an adult conversation!  Something was said about him dating...and I said, well none of the other girls bother me...just Two.  And then I said, "but that may be negotiable".

That got his attention.

I told him I might be willing to trade Two for Ogre.

What?

They aren't slaves?  You can't just trade relationships.  How immature and silly.  Right?

But, see, I realized something over the weekend.

It isn't necessarily Two that is the problem.  And it isn't necessarily Magnum's relationship with Two.  It's that Two thinks she's getting away with something.   And, that seems to be what bothers me.  So, isn't the hang up mine? 

I think I was ready to deal with Magnum & Two.  The Ogre trade is just a bonus.

And, I like Ogre.  That's not to say that he likes me, any more than any other person.  I know he makes me smile, even when I don't want to?  Although he *hugs* a lot and I'm so not good with people being exceptionally nice to me.  :)

I think just thinking there might be something there...gives me comfort? 

Is this wrong? 

Oh and note to self:  Huge Pile Of Leaves = Huge Area For Four Year Old To Lose Shoes.

Print This...Take 2.

My new printer is making this hideous sound when I try to print.  It's a screeeeeechhhhhhhy sound.  It makes my teeth hurt when I hear it.

So, I emailed Kodak, and my girl called me this morning.  And she's sending me a new printer, tomorrow.  Whoot.

She said she's sending me a new label, so the old computer will come right to her, and she can check it out, and then smash it.  :) 

Changes.

Sigh.

So, I just found out today that my very first "client" is leaving me.  :(  She said something about her job is changing and her husbands job is changing so they must go elsewhere for services. 

But there's this part of me that thinks...What did I do??  Why are you leaving me? 

Do we all do this?  Do we all think that we've done something wrong when situations like these arise?  Perhaps it really is just that their schedules are changing?  Perhaps it has nothing to do with my services.

I'd like to think of it as a good thing.   I'd like to think that there's a reason, in the grand scheme of life, that I'm just not able to see clearly (yet).

But I am kinda sad.  :(

Met...

I met...I'm giving her a different name...Star.  I met Star tonight.  I can see where she could be fun.  :)   Magnum asked what her status was.  I was  like, yeah she's gay.  Then Magnum said, "fuck you are lucky".  :)
Roller Derby Rocked.  It was a blast.

And, I want to write more...but I'm too sleepy.

Bare But Warm.

A few months back I saw a hat/scarf ( Xhilaration® Knit Hat with Pom And Tassels - Green) combo that I like.  It's just green.  Like...hmmm...Kelly Green?  Anyway, I bought the hat and gloves yesterday (Note:  I bought the hat for cuteness, but now I think I have an abnormally big head because the hat leaves my earlobes hanging out...so sad.), and decided to request a friend make a scarf for me.  I'm big on having something that no one else has.   And, scarves seem to be my favorite accessory these days.  Plus, they keep my bare neck warm.

I talked to this friend today.  She's gonna make me a scarf.  :)  She wanted to know if I wanted warmth or style?  And she asked if I had a particular pattern?  Well, no.  I just want a scarf.  I never got farther than I want. 

So she sends me links to patterns...and after much thought and consideration...I picked one.

Then, she tells me I can pick up the yarn. 

Is it weird that this excites me?  I'm so excited that I am going to go to the store, pick out some pretty yarn, and then, I will have my very own scarf??? 

I really am easy to please.  (I didn't say easy, I said easy to please!)

O. My. God.

I'm not sure how I ended up being me. 

Let me splain...

I am addicted to Facebook.  And, over the past few months it seems as though there's been this surge of my family members and friends joining.

And, I am, sooooo not a Christian.  And they sooooo are!  I mean, fanatical Jesus freaks!

Don't get me wrong, I think everyone is entitled to believe whatever they choose...

But, sometimes I don't think it's a choice, so much as a "myth" that's been told over and over and over again so that people don't choose, they just follow blindly. 

These people actually BELIEVE this stuff? 

I know it's a touchy subject. 

I believe in Jesus.  I think he was the most brilliant man who ever walked the face of the earth.  I don't know that I believe he was created because a god decided to impregnate his mother so that 30 years down the road some assholes could nail him to a board, and in that he would, "die for our sins".  Holy crap!  Really?

Back to the point...

My family, on my father & my mother's side are religious.  Every day they post something new about God and his blessings and miracles.  I guess if that works for them...why should I complain?

This is why I complain...because today a cousin of mine posted a picture of a baby who had supposedly been aborted.  (It was some sort of anti abortion campaign poster.)

I will never understand this practice.  Christians posting pics of dead bloody babies?  What's the point?  I just don't get it.

I don't think that abortion should be a means of birth control.  I mean, if you are out carelessly and irresponsibly screwing and you get pregnant, shame on you.  But I also don't think, that a baby should be born to a person/people who don't want them and who will just abandon or abuse them. 

I know...it's one of those debates that the general public will never see eye to eye on...but I just don't think we need these graphic pics to make a point. 

Passion.

Writing is my passion...so why am I not writing?

I also thoroughly enjoy photography (and I'm really good)...so why am I not doing something with that?

That's all I got for now...

Whiner.

Yes, I'm gonna whine a bit.  As most of you know I did this PAD Challenge (poetry a day challenge) back in April.  I, who has never really considered myself a poet, entered this contest.  And just today the guy finally writes who the winner is...and it's not me.  :) 

But here's the part that confuses me...the woman that did win, is a friend of the man running the contest?  She did some poem screening in the beginning of the challenge or something.  So, I dunno...that seems kinda like...cheating...but not really?  And of course, no one is gonna say on the site...dude, if she's your best bud, of course she's gonna win.  Everyone else is like Oh yeah she's great.  And I haven't read her work, but I'm sure it's great.  Maybe she's the greatest poet since...whoever your favorite poet is. 

It just seems a little odd, that she's his bud and a participant in the screening of the poems that are making the cut??  I don't understand. 

LBS.

So, as of last Saturday, I've lost 14 pounds.  :)  Go me.  That's good, right?  Especially considering I'm not killing myself to do it.  I'm not starving or working out.  I'm just...being good.  You know when you put something in your mouth if it's a bad thing or a good thing.  (yeah, yeah, shut it!)  Anyway, simple little changes have made all the difference to me.  I really stopped eating crap.  I still eat stuff I love.  I had mexican pizza for breakfast.  But, it's all of the crap that I've cut out.  Cookies, cupcakes, donuts, soda.  I can only imagine where I'd be if I added a little work out to the gig.  Hmmmm...something to think about.

It makes me happy to be doing this healthy thing.  I'm not doing it for anyone but me.  And that makes the biggest difference.  

I literally danced when I saw the latest numbers.  I even made Magnum come in and be a witness!  I haven't weighed this, for at least 10 years.  And, really, if you look at me, maybe you can't really see a difference, but I know!

The funniest part of it all is that I expect my clothes to get bigger.  So my jeans are all a bit baggy now.  But the funny part is, as they get baggier, they get longer.  So all of my jeans are dragging the floor.  :)

I have a goal, and I know it's attainable.  I mean, I just started this whole thing on August 31, and I'm rockin'!  :)

Bliss.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "Follow Your Bliss". 

I like that idea.

Right.

I love being right.  I love love love to KNOW I'm right about something, and then argue my point until it's proven that I am indeed the one who is right.  I love to win!!!

This whole Magnum & Two thing has been going on forever and ever and it just happens again and again.  This last time (2 weeks ago) I "found out" about some stuff because I logged onto the computer, clicked on hotmail, and Magnum's email came up, and there, staring me in the face was an email from Two.

The point is, when I told Magnum how I came across this email from Two, he ranted and ranted about how "that just doesn't happen"  and how "you don't just click into my email, you had to sign in to my account" (which really, wtf is the difference, you are lieing to me...but whatever...)

So, I knew I was right about this.  I argued my point and he just kept acting like I was nuts.

Except tonight, we were actually being cordial and actually having a discussion about stuff (actually, I was asking who/what I could trade for Two...but that's a topic all in itself) and we got off onto this accidentally accessing his email...

And, long story longer, I proved my point.  I was right.  He was wrong.  (as if)  And, I love it!  I even did a little dance.

It gives me great pleasure to have him know I didn't log into his email "looking" for something.  That it just presented itself. 

Go me.  :)

Do Me.

This is mostly a reminder to myself to do this:

Write This

X's

And, is it EX's come haunting this month?

Mist and I are talking again.  It's nice.

Pawn, seems to be, invading my space this week.  (Funny, how I liked her a lot, and now, I really really don't.  And it's not anger, or hurt, she just bugs me.  Actually, I never really liked her much to begin with and then she wiggled her way in...but again, that's not the point.)

Then we have...I need to give her a name, although she's not worthy...There ya go...Two.  That will be her name.  Two.  Why?  Because when Magnum first started seeing her 6 or 7 years ago, I asked him why he chose her, and he said, "I've finally found someone who was worth it."   So, I call her The Worthy One.  Ugh.  Anyway, Two, is back like a nightmare that just won't end....grrrrr.

And yesterday, just as I was on the cusp of sleep, one of THE best kisses I've ever had, crept into my head.  It was with Skye.  Damn.  It might have been the best kiss I've ever had.  Makes me tingle a bit.

Oh, and speaking of Skye, her ex Lucy, and I have been chatting lately.  I follow her blog, and I was surprised to find that she and I were both planning to do Roller Derby.  And on the first night, she was there.  I didn't say anything to her then, but later I emailed.  I told her the only way we can be friends, is if we agree not to talk about Skye.  It's been good so far.

Magnum just tagged me and said he has an errand to do, and I automatically think "yeah, he's sooo meeting Two".  Irritating beast.

Demented.

I'm going along, working through all of this lie/trust/bunchacrap stuff, and today, really, for the first time I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I let Magnum sleep in my new king size bed last night.  I didn't even know he was there until this morning.  But that's not the point...

The point is, today, I felt good.  I told Magnum I was ready to decorate for Halloween.  I've been energetic and cleaning and being...happy.  Wow.

But wouldn't you know, like a recurring nightmare, Magnum just tagged me and said SHE called him today to tell him that her grandma was in the hospital.

My first thought is, WHO THE FUCK CARES?  I know, it sounds mean, and I know Magnum likes the grandma a lot...but really??  Why does my husband need to know this?

Any excuse to call or text or meet him...she'll come up with something for the rest of her life...

It's infuriating.

The only good part for me is this.  I've decided if Magnum insists on having a "relationship" with her, then I'm not going to limit my relationship with certain people.  And, that, makes me happy.

And, on that note.  This makes me happy:

FRIEND:   (4:18:30 PM): Oragami?


ME: (4:19:58 PM): folded up and just pretend?

FRIEND: (4:22:42 PM): Burn burn like wicker cabinet?
 
Is it weird that that simple little exchange makes me smile?   
 
Ugh. 
 
Demented as the motives in your head....

Ok, so...

I totally snuggled with a client today.  Holy crap!! 

Distract Me.

I need a distraction.  And at this point in time, I don't think there are many limits on the type of distraction I get, as long as it's not illegal.  :) 

A balloon.  A red balloon floating along, the owner having let the string slip through his fingers while he was trying to grab the yellow balloon.  And, now, the red balloon is just floating along, being pushed this way and that by the temperment of nature.  I'm tired of natures moods.  Someone needs to grab me, pull me back to earth, ground me.  Hold me there until I am ready to fly again.

Or I suppose I could just wait until I run out of air, and float back down all on my own. 

Matters.

I had to write on my wrist in marker to remind myself...I wrote..."it doesn't matter".  Because I keep thinking of all of these things...the thoughts just run through my head...the unknown.  And, I dwell on it, and really, it's doesn't matter.  I don't want to know, what I don't know. 

The thing is...when I think about these things that don't matter...my shoulders and my arms get tingly.  It's the weirdest sensation. 

And, when all of this stuff that doesn't matter stops bothering me, will there be anything left that does matter?

Closed.

I'm desperately seeking closure.  :)  Or at least some sort of resolve?  Is that even the right word?

I got some clarification on some stuff last night and I think I should be feeling soooo much better today.  But, I'm not.   Wait.  I am feeling better, but I want to feel...happy!?! 

I'm still ultra sensitive so every little thing sends me into a mini panic.

I'm so damn codependent. 

In other news, I think my "client" and I are...on the verge of...something?  Last night, I took her hair out of her pony and played with it for like 15 minutes.  Yum.

And, in yet, one other tidbit of news, I think I'm gonna buy skates today.  That's sooo crazy.

Dumb. Ass.

I kinda feel like a dumb ass right now.

I hope I sleep well so I can wake up refreshed.

I really really wish our power would go out...poof.  That way I could be closed tomorrow!!!!!

One Week.

So, it's been a week.

And, it still sucks.

And he hasn't apologized.

And he hasn't asked me to come back.

But he did hook me up with a new light and cable in my new room.

So, how would you take it?  Like he's really not sad at all?  Like this is what he wanted all along?

Am I really this pathetic?

I want him to want to not want her.  When did I turn into this person I've become?

I cry when I'm in the car alone. 

I cry when I'm in bed at night.

I cry when I'm in the bath tub.

Why???  Wtf am I crying about?

I am so sorry for all of the pain I ever caused any married woman.  I know it's too little too late, but I am truly sorry.  The worst part is never having a straight answer to the question "why?"

I need a human to bounce this shit off of instead of a computer.  But the person I would normally bounce shit off of...happens to be the person that is causing me to have to bounce in the first place.

Grip.

Why can't I seem to get past this whole issue I'm having with Magnum.  I go to the store and I'm afraid I'm gonna run into her......

I need to get a grip and I don't know how.

That's what I'm talkin about.

First math test score:  89.

Math test score after the instructor realized she marked one wrong that was right, 93.

That's right bitches...I got a 93 on my first math test.  That's right, that's an A.  A.  A.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Oh, and that was the highest grade in the class. 

Girls.

I am a "member" of a dating website.  Although, I'm not really dating, it's kinda fun to see what's out there. 

Except, are there any regular, normal people in the world?  And are any of them on dating websites?  And if I think they are all odd, then does that mean I too, am odd?

What about girls with hair that isn't blue or purple?  What about girls who clean house and watch Entertainment Tonight on the regular?  What about a girl or two who doesn't say she's wacky or crazy in her opening sentence?  I just want a normal, I can bake bread, and load the dishwasher at the same time, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I'm taking classes at the local community college even though I'm 30 something years old, girl.  Where are they?

Worn. Out.

I had hoped to blog.  But just getting up and getting dressed and the regular morning stuff has worn my ass right out.  :(    Walking to class today should prove to be a challenge. 

Swim.

It feels like I've been underwater for the last week.  Between being broken hearted and food poisioned, the world has just been passing by in a murky gray pond.

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and break the surface.

Poisioned.

So, I signed up for this national blog writing month thing, I was all excited because I pretty much blog every day anyway...right?

Except yesterday I went to a local restaurant and I order the crab and corn chowder, and it was not very warm, and I only ate half of the over priced cup...and I've been sick every since. 

It hurts. 

So, I failed at the blog every day for a month thing. 

It fucking hurts.  It feels like there's a tiny little roller coaster in my stomach doing corkscrews.  Ugh.

Fingers.

JRDW loves olives.  And yesterday I put some on a salad and he wanted some.  So, of course, everyone else wanted some. 

I got a fork, and I was handing out olives, but of course I didn't want them to eat right off of the fork, so I was telling them to take the olive off of the fork with their fingers.  So, I'm passing out olives, saying "fingers, fingers, fingers..." and now one of the babies (who seems to be my fav these days) calls olives, fingers.  She points to the jar and says "fingers pwease?"  It's tooo cute.

Print...this?

Ha.

So, after weeks of whining, and months of not having, I don't even know what I need to print. 

Wah wah my printer is broken.  Wah wah Kodak is being a meany head.  Yahoo, I whined and got a new printer.

And, now...what the hell do I have to print? 

Kinda funny actually.  I'm sure once I get back into the swing of things, I'll have plenty to print or copy or fax or scan. 

I guess it's like, when you don't have a car you think "when I have a car I'm going here and here and here" and then once you get the car...you go no where.

Score.

I asked my instructor to look over my test before I left class yesterday and she said I did very well, and that I got 22/27.  But what does that mean?  What's my grade????  I mean I know it means I got 5 wrong answers.  But what does that mean???

Steps.

I understand why women stay with men who don't deserve them.

Pain.

Because if I could just suck it up, and let it go, and let him hold me, it would feel so good.  As long as I didn't think too much.  It would be the easy thing to do.

He lost my heart though, and he'll never get that back. 

Oh, I'm so pathetic, huh?  Poor poor me.

But it's a new beginning, a new month.  And, I'm gonna take full advantage of this moment!

In other news...I just wrote Mist the most pathetically pathetic email.  But there's been a lot of "stuff" between us, some anger and some resentment, and I'm just tired of it.  So, I sent her an email trying to just clear up some stuff, and explain some other stuff.  I guess we'll see how that goes.

I have my first test today, and I'm excited!  Me excited about a math test?  Who am I and what did they do with the old me?

That's all I got for now...

Oh wait...I just got my new printer!  Excited much?  As excited as I am about the printer, I'm more excited that I stood up for something I believed in, and got...what's the word?  Got...not revenge...got...what's the word?  Got what was rightlyfully mine because I stood up for myself? 

Petty.

So, every year since I've lived NY, Magnum and I have gone here.  We always go on Saturday.  We get up early, and drive to Warrensburg and I always buy a Pyrex bowl.  And, it's become a thing we do.  Stupid to say, I look forward to it.  I love the whole experience.  Do I need another Pyrex bowl?  Probably not.  Are the sales so awesome that it's worth the drive?  Probably not.  But that's not it...it's the whole walking around hand in hand, ooohhhing and ahhhhing at the stuff.  What can I say, it's these little things that make me happy. 

And, Magnum scheduled a work meeting, on the opening day of the sales.

Am I silly to be hurt by this?  Is it petty?  I am silly to want him to consider me? 

Yes, we could go on Sunday.  And, right now, I wouldn't go across the street with him.  But he planned this meeting way before all the drama.  So, the point is, he planned something on a day that's kinda important to me. 

Sigh.

I just expect too much.  But I don't think it's too much to expect.