152

Write about farewell is today's prompt.

dad

surrender your heart
soul soaring
to higher ground

touch my cheek
tell me you love me
one final time

don't be sad
it's okay
close your eyes now

at last
peace
has arrived

and i miss you

and it sucks

151

I'm needy today. I didn't get enough Magnum time. :(

He definately goes faster at some things than I do. I'm not real comfortable with his pace. But, I also am trying to be...open and understanding.

I can't even write about it yet, because it makes me a little...ill.

150

Never Again

Never again
Will you do what you did
Never again
Will I let you win
Never again
Will you walk away
Never again
Will you hear me say
Never again

149

So, this post is going to be a bit...graphic? You've been warned.

Really.

Last warning.

Ok...here goes...

So, Pawn. She and Magnum had a date yesterday. I won't go into details because I'm still in the processing process. :) And, he tells me this morning that she wants me. In a big way. I've kinda been putting her off...because I'm just not so sure I'm that into her. Except that now that Magnum & She did their thing...she's more...appealing to me? Or maybe it's not because they did their thing...but maybe it's just because we've been chatting and texting more? So, I've kinda gotten to know her a bit more?

During our chat today, we kinda got into how badly she wants. :) And how she wanted to kiss me on our first date? And...between that and the few details Magnum has shared...it makes me all throbby. Which is completely unexpected??? Women are typically more intimate to me than sexual. But I think her age, which is 24 (in case you missed it before), has a lot to do with it. I think she's just at an age when she's more sexual?

I think she could be a lot of fun. :)

I'll keep ya'll posted. Oh, and, I guess this wasn't as risque as I thought it was gonna be.

147

I love him.

I love the way he loves.

I love that he is tender.

I love that he gets excited about 24 year olds. (And, I'm pretty sure I just moaned.)

I love that he doesn't let me get away with my abnormal behavior.

I love that I am HIS fucktard.

I love that, although it does not come easy to him, he is doing his best to be evolved.

I love his hands on my back.

I love biting his arm when we are snuggling.

I love that he gets weepy when he looks at his son.

I love the way he loves me.

147

If you read yesterdays poem...it's kinda funny...because today's prompt is to write a poem with the title of "Never ____________" fill in the blank.

146

I am convinced that I am a little bit psycho. Or maybe a lot psycho.

Certain things trigger certain reactions in me. The most awful part is, I have no idea what's gonna set me off.

Last night was mucho dramao. I'm still not 100% but I'm better.

145

Luckily for me, it's a twofer Tuesday so we could either write one of those crazy 7 stanza poems, with are mathematical...or a poem that tells why we don't like those poems.

Here's Mine:

I never
really liked
math to
begin with

144

Ok, so...when asking Joy about how she dealt with jealousy, she said "we try to own it".



And, oddly enough, as soon as I remembered that, I decided to own my issues.

143

I'm writing to keep me grounded right now.

My morning was good...but as the morning morphed into afternoon...I started to crash.

And there is nothing that can change things. It is what it is.

I've learned communication is key.

This blog isn't helping like I thought it would.

But I am smiling.

142

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30337386/?GT1=43001

Check the link...weird...but I think I would try it. :)

Also, my rant is now over.

Ogre gave me someone to chat to...which helped calm my nerves. And the work emergency, as always, sounded worse then it was. Or is it than? I can never rememeber.

I planted sunflowers today. I also transplanted 2 tomato plants and a few pepper plants. I don't think I'm going to do a big huge garden in one spot thing this year. I like the idea of tomatoes growing in odd places. I like the idea of walking out my front door and just being able to pluck what I want.

It's warm out. No, wait...it's hot out. And the heat I love. But the bugs are.........a pain in the ass! These little black flying bugs bounce off my forehead and fall into my cleavage and then I panic and do a little there's a bug in my bra dance. It aint pretty. :)

Ok...I have to go find food for the animals now.

141

I expect respect.

I'm going to rant now...ready?

Magnum expects me to rant...but I'm not ranting because of the situation, I'm ranting because of issues which arise from the situation.

Examples. If you want to text until after midnight...do it from downstairs don't sit up every two seconds and send texts when I'm trying to sleep. Should I have to even say this??

Also, if you are out, I should always be able to get a hold of you. Even if you don't want to answer the phone, there should be some way in which I can contact you at all times. Because if there's an emergency, I need to know I can reach you. Is there an emergency? No, not for me personally. But work related things can be emergencies and they may need to be addressed.

I guess we should have established some rules ahead of time. But this being our first...I guess we'll do better next time.

And, each time I try to call and get ignored it pisses me off. :)

This is why we have issues with situations such as this. I am always reachable. No matter what I'm doing or where I'm at...you can get to me.

I expect certain courtesy's.

The good news is, I like Pawn for him. As long as he doesn't blow off his responsiblity for her. Ya know?

Or wake me up at midnight. :)

140

What the hell was the man thinking? Read about today's prompt here. Oy. There's like 2 days left, and NOW he decides to challenge us. :)

Ok, I have donuts so more later.

Oh, wait, I can't just stop without saying this...Magnum & Pawn have a date this morning. And, that's all I'll say for now because really...donuts...yum.

139

So, Magnum & Pawn seem to be going pretty hot and heavy. Talk about fast! Girls are so funny. Last night she was like "well, I don't know what's allowed" in reference to her being into Magnum. But, as soon as we cleared that up...Magnum said she was a girl who just got a green light and put her pedal to the metal...or something like that. What I think is kinda cool, is that when she and I first "met" online, she restricted herself to not dating anyone over 35. Ha. Yeah, she's 25 (I think??) and Magnum is 52. Ha. That's awesome!

So, I'm sure there are those that are going to say "are you ok with this, really?" And, oddly enough, I am??? I think it has something to do with some enlightening chats I've had with Joy & Ogre?

Ok, I need to make a list. Grocery lists excite me. :) Whipped cream, hot fudge, cucumbers. Hahahahaha.

138

So, I think I've just decided to make an honest effort to change my occupation. I would have to make as much money as I do now though. I guess if I did some sort of cost benefit analysis (haha I used a big phrase) I could get an idea of what I really make.

I'm gonna go lookin' now.

137

Sometimes I like girls. And then I go through phases where...I'm more like "eh". Sometimes I just don't have the energy for women. :) I am also picky. Very picky. I think I usually notice a personality. I'd like to say I notice a soul, but that sounds so new age. But, Magnum and I were talking last night and we went through the list of the women whom I've really been into and I would describe them all as having old souls. Like, a core that draws me to them. A gravity maybe? A glow? An aura?

And, is it weird that I see that aura as a gentle aqua blue? Like, not when I look at the people...but when I think about this draw I have, that's the color that comes to mind? Maybe I'll look that up. (I just looked it up...go here for more info.)

Also, I dabble in Tarot. When I want insight into a certain person, I'll fan the cards out and I'll pick one card. And, it's not always easy. I really have to wait until I "feel" the card I should pull. Then I pull it and flip it, and that's the card that represents that person.

Before I ever met her, I did this for Joy. And, without even realizing it, I think the card suits her pretty freakin' well.

And, now, reality calls...more later. :)

136

Yeah yeah...today's poem is about longing. And, just a note here...I pull my poems from real life experiences, but they aren't necessarily real. Copy? :) I guess it's kinda like movies that are "based on actual events" or "based on true events" or "a true story".

Can I woo
the unwooable?

Can I touch
the untouchable?

Can I get,
the ungettable?

Or do I just
walk away?

135

For the record, Lark Street scares the piss out of me. I screamed like a little girl a few times. I hid behind Magnum while we waited in front of Bombers for Pawn. I mean, I love the city and once I got used to it, I'd probably love it. I mean come on, I grew up in St. Louis and supposedly that's one of the most unsafe places to live. I love the city. The smell, the people, the electricity. But until I get used to it...scarey!

So, Pawn. The good news is...Magnum thinks she's "fucking cute". :) She just doesn't interest me so much? I love it that they really seem to be into each other. Good for them. It's actually kinda cute...because at first I think they were both diggin' each other, but they each thought the other wasn't. Ha!

And, I was texting Joy and I found out last night that the new phone doesn't work like the old phone so my messages weren't being sent. I felt kinda crappy when I realized it. :(

I have much to do now...so laterzzzzz.

134

I was supposed
to bring the wine,
but I thought
I was supposed
to bring the stuffing
now we have
three pans of stuffing
and no wine

133

Bueno, bien. Me va a tirar la toalla. He intentado. No parece estar funcionando tan bien fuera. Por lo tanto, cya.

132

Kindergarten

Pretty little pigtails,
New dress and shoes,
Pink Princess backpack,
Everything new

Nervous jitters,
Big yellow bus,
Smile on her face,
She looks back at us


Tears on my cheeks,
So hard to do,
Letting her go,
To her first day of school.

131

We saw the set of Salt today. One of Magnum's trucks (this isn't the actual truck but when you see the movie and see a tanker truck that is painted red and orange, that's Magnum's!) is in the movie. I asked him to get me a part as an extra...but no dice. :) Supposedly she is to be in Albany today. We drove down to Albany and there on an exit ramp that they've closed for the next two weeks or so, is Magnum's tanker with people walking on top of it. One of those people could have been her!

Oh, and I love the city. I love the way it smells and the people and the energy. If I had my way, I'd live in a studio apartment in NYC. Yeah yeah, a little out of my budget, but one day I'll be famous. I'll remember to post pics here for you. :)

It was hot here today! Whoot. 'Bout damn time!

We saw Mist today. Ugh. That's a frustration ugh. She's just so...sad. I want her to stand up proud and be confident because there's no reason she shouldn't be. But she just can't/won't/doesn't know how. I'm sure, as happy as she was to see us, it also made her sad. Or should I say sadder? I've always wanted to shake her. Like "whatthehelliswrongwithyou?" shaking.

We also stopped at a Stewart's in Troy to see Pawn. She wants a second date. And, honestly, she was much less nervous today and cuter somehow?? And, she did indeed flirt with Magnum, but he's soooo silly he doesn't even notice. There was some conversation and he asked if he could give it to her (it being money to pay for icecream) and she smiles up at him and says "Yes you can!" And he totally missed it. Or maybe she was just being nice.

And, then we have Joy. Oh Joy. Joy oh Joy. Joy to the world...oh wait...where was I? Yeah. She's stilllllllllll frustrating. But she's cute, so she gets extra points for that. And, I thought we had a fun date, but I haven't gotten much feedback from her, so again, I'm all like "well?" Ya know? Am I a needy feedback girl or is she just not givin' any? I know she likes to come to things on her own terms, so part of me thinks, just back the hell off and let her come to you if she wants. But...but...I don't wanna. :)

In other news...today's prompt is to write about an event. I really don't feel like writing right now, so I guess it'll have to wait.

OMG, it's 6:25 and we are supposed to be somewhere in 5 minutes. WHOOPS.

130

Today's prompt is to write about travel.

Cousins

Riding the orange
to the moon
through a summer night

Looking down on the earth
green earth
brown earth
all in squares

Blue squiggly rivers
round ponds
and lakes

Finally an escape

The orange and the moon
are cousins
so the orange
knows the way

The sky is her ocean
washing away her fear
keeping her safe

129

I should write about my night. I should write about chocolate chicken and left handed forking. I should write about having nothing to talk about, and cute noses, and touching arms and then thinking...good god I touched her arm. Hmmmm or chocolate confusion....

But I'm wicked tired...so it'll have to wait. :)

Or I could write about how I've never been so absorbed in conversation? We discussed how observant I am...except I couldn't tell you anything about anyone tonight...except maybe the waiter? And the girl with the cute nose. :)

Or the fact that when I was coming up the stairs tonight...I curled my toes...because I thought something might grab them from under the steps.

Oy...I soooo gotta go to bed.

128

How is it that I feel...like a weirdo? Or a psycho? I feel like there will be lots of smiling and nodding and then "well, that's not going to happen again, whata dumbass freaktard". Oy.

In other news...

Today's prompt is to write about regret.

And, I'm too busy right now to write it. :)

127

Regret is the prompt...

I can't write poetry,
When you sit here,
Staring at me

I can feel your warmth,
Smell your sweet scent,
Drinking you in

Is it weird that
I get the urge
To lick your perfect little nose?

I talk the talk,
But I can't walk the walk,
Will it haunt me forever,
My lack of doing?

126

I was looking for inspiration for my poem. And I found this.

who knew
that this would be
such hard
work

it seems so simple
to live
happily ever
after

but ever after
seems
to last
too long

without
it what
would we
work for?

125

Me: So she infuriates me a bit.

Him: Whyzat? Being Uncooperative?

Me: Yes.

Him: huh...yer spoiled and she's playin' hard to get...hehe.

Me: Yeah, I pretty much just think she's tolerating me.

Him: That sux.

Me: Well, she asked me out, so I dunno.



And, it's gonna suck when she says: So, I asked you here tonight to tell you to leave me the fuck alone.



Ha.



I don't usually get intimidated. But, for whatever reason, my cocky confindence seems to have gone astray.



I'm going to bed soooo early tonight. I just need to catch up. Magnum kept me up with American Idol and then Fringe.



Maybe I will look into some of those lights that the doctor recommended.

124

Every get the feeling that someone is just tolerating you? And deep inside you feel like maybe you should...just say "I don't care". (Haha.) But you really don't want to say that? But you prolly should? Uh-huh.

123

There's this new phrase going around my house..."I don't care." And, sometimes I think wouldn't that be nice. To really just not care?

My hair looks like crap. I don't care.
My dogs are fighting like crazies. I don't care.
I'm disappointing someone. I don't care.
I burned the chicken. I don't care.
You did what? I don't care.
I ate the whole thing. I don't care.

The schwan man is here...Oh and I soooo care because he supplies me with chocolate chip icecream cookies. :)

122

http://www.polyamorysociety.org/page6.html

121

Today's poem prompt is to write about work.

I'm not feeling very poetic at the moment, so I'll have to come back to it.

120

He's not threatening at all. He gets it. He knows I love Magnum and he doesn't expect that to change. That's why I feel comfortable with him.

Yes, again, I'm talking about Ogre.

That's all I can say right now.

119

Perspective.

I think I just got some.

I think it's good.

118

Random Things That Are Currently In My Pockets:

LEFT POCKET:
A fat green crayon
Cherry Chapstick
A black shiny rectangular rock
A small hoop earring
Six Pennies
Three Quarters
Four Dimes
A Nickel
A screw
A bubble packaged ibuprofen/pseudoephedrine tablet
An orange catseye marble

RIGHT POCKET:
A brown marker
Shimmer Chapstick
Ten Twenty Dollar Bills
A Green Marble
A brown stretched out pony tail holder
A hundred dollar bill
Two 5 dollar bills
A house key that isn't mine
A penny
A quarter
A pink pony tail holder

I find all of this quite funny.

117

Or maybe I'm just bored as fuck. Which should never be confused with desperation.

116

I'm thinking. Contemplating.

I think I am from a generation of instant gratification and when I want something I want it. And, to me, it seems a waste of time to wait. I like to always feel like I'm going forward. I never want to go back and I am uncomfortable with stalling.

I guess patience is a virtue. But I don't think I've ever been accused of being virtuous?

115

Today's poetry prompt is...interesting. We have a type of poem, rather than a subject.

For more info go here.

I think I like haiku.

I never said I would write prize winning poetry. :)

tree grow happier
steeped in brown wormy earth
rain clouds sprout spring

114

Your life is an occasion. Rise to it.

A quote from this movie.

113

I'm too damn tired for poetry.

go to bed
clear head
forget sorrow
reborn tomorrow

112

I don't like obtuse (the second defintion, obviously). I don't handle obtuse well. So, if you wanna be mine, then don't be freakin' obtuse. I think people in general are obtuse without meaning to be? I think it goes along with the fear of rejection thing.

Also, if you wanna impress, then read my stuff. I am impressed with readers. :)

And, I just read about limerence. OMG. Does that make me a limerick?

There's more to write but not enough time to write it....later.

111

So, maybe this is my problem? Read about it here.

Fatigue Cause # 4: Caffeine Overload
Many of us grab a coffee or cola for a quick burst of energy, but for some women, caffeine can have the opposite effect.
In an article published in the journal US Pharmacist, author W. Stephen Pray, PhD, RPh, reports that caffeine is a stimulant, but if you take too much, the tables can turn.
"In some patients, continued abuse results in fatigue," according to Pray. And if you think this means you simply require more caffeine to get the kick, this isn't the case. "Any attempts to solve the problem by increasing caffeine intake causes the fatigue to worsen," he says.

110

Today's prompt is to write about rebirth. Kinda funny, when I was crawling out of Goose's car the other day, I said "I've been born again!" :)

109

Quiet. My house is quiet. And usually I'd love the quiet. Except, this time it's quiet because Chrissy was here for a week and now she's gone. And it makes me sad. She's just so...funny. She's got this energy, this sunshineyness about her. And the others all went back to school today too. So it's just quiet. And, it wouldn't be so bad if there were sunshine...but dontchaknow...there is no sunshine. (Aint no sunshine when's she's gone and she's always gone too long...).

108

Completely unrelated...

"He's committing adultery, I'm just getting laid."

"Finding the noise."

Ha, I know it has nothing to do with me, but I think it's kinda...funny.

107

Here's my angry poem. Eh.

Outside of my box is a scary place
Dark
Dangerous
Fear
Hate
God
Loathing
Starvation
Death
Ugliness
Lost
Alone
I only want the nice things in my head

106

I write poetry on paper. I can’t seem to type poetry on the computer. Is that weird? I can sit here for hours and think and think about poetry…and get nothing. But if I sit down with a piece of paper, or a napkin, or a receipt and a pen or a pencil or a marker, I can write a poem.

Needless to say, I’m sitting here with the laptop and I don’t really feel like getting up to get aforementioned writing paraphernalia.

All I really wanna do, is snuggle down into the blanket that’s covering my feet and sleep. I love an afternoon nap on the couch while Magnum watches Nascar.

So, I need to pump out this poem, so I can sleep! There’s motivation.

What makes me angry?
Poor parenting.
Wanting what I can’t have.
Stupid people.
Women who pee on the seat.
People who take and take but never give back.

So, the poem has to wait...I'm over taken by the drowsy.

105

It's a threefor.

:)

So, today I saw Skye. Damn she feels good. We just meld.

Then, I met a new girl. I'll call her Pawn. So, Pawn and I met...we had lunch. She was so nervous. Which is why I think people should never stop at a first date. I think everyone should have a second date. So we'll see. She was nice. She didn't knock me off my feet, tho. And, the whole time I was talking to her, I was thinking, Magnum is gonna love her. :)

And then, for just a moment, I saw Joy. I stopped by her house, unexpectantly, to drop off a tomato plant. I'm not sure if she was pissy about it or not. Or if she thinks I'm a weirdo. But, I really don't have room for it anymore, and I told her I was gonna give it to her. I replanted it in a pretty pot and everything for her. And, Magnum and I went for icecream, and after icecream I dropped off the plant. I just knocked on the door, and handed it to her. I want to snuggle her. I'm anxious. I want to smell her neck. I want to give her chills. Whether she'll ever give me that opportunity, I dunno. But a girl can dream. :)

So if we are really doing 50 dates, I would count today as my first. 49 to go. I don't count my first meeting with Joy as a date, so hopefully she'll be in the mix somewhere.

I am still tired. I've been so tired lately. Ugh. I have no idea why?

Today's poem prompt is to write an angry poem. I could have done angry yesterday, or the day before that. Today is all happy sunshine and I'm supposed to write an angry poem? Psshhhhaaa.

104

Today's prompt is to write about an interaction. It doesn't matter who or what the interaction is with, just has to be an interaction.



We can't do this,

We can't be alone,

It was all different,

When it was just the phone.



But this face to face,

Isn't working at all,

It feels so good,

But it's all wrong.



We aren't supposed to be here,

We weren't supposed to fall,

How could we have known,

It started so small.

But just one bite,

And we ate the whole thing,

The bittersweet taste,

Of you and me.

103

Again: Today's prompt is: "All I want is (blank)," where you fill in the blank with a word or phrase of your choosing. And here's mine.

All I Want Is This

All I want is what I shouldn't want.
Not allowed,
Nope,
Not,
Never.

All I want is what I want, but shouldn't.
So close,
Far,
Nada,
Can't.

All I want is what isn't an option.
I'm cold,
But want to be warm.
But the one I want to warm me,
Shouldn't.

And it is all I want.

102

I just don't know anymore.

Grouchy isn't even enough of a word.

It wears me out. Puts a strain on everyone.

And, I don't know what to do about it.

I've tried talking to him. I've tried asking him if he could just try not to be so grouchy and mean all of the damn time.

I never thought age mattered so much...but maybe this is an age thing?

My question to him today was...why do you even care? Like, choose your battles, but make it mean something. He picks and picks at one of the teenagers. She thinks he hates her. I hate it.

What the fuck am I gonna do about it? Because this shit is getting out of hand and I'm so over it.

101

Today's prompt is: "All I want is (blank)," where you fill in the blank with a word or phrase of your choosing.

Somethings that come to mind are:

All I want is deep dickin'. :)
All I want is quiet.
All I want is warm.
All I want is what I shouldn't want.
All I want is an afternoon nap.
All I want is to be content.
All I want is to be is famous.
All I want is to be alone...just for a while.
All I want is to snuggle with her, smell her hair, touch the curve of her hip.
All I want is sweet.
All I want is sweet sweet slumber.

Not a poem, I'm just throwing ideas out into the www.

100

Today's prompt is to write about a color.

RED

Red is vivid,
Feisty.
Red is me,
Found.
Red is autumn,
Dancing.
Red is warm,
Sexy.
Red is cinnamon and apples and sweet sugary pie,
Comfort.
Red is what I want to be when I grow up.

99

Today is a wash. Is that the right phrase?

I fucked up without meaning to.

Ugh.

Do you ever feel all alone when surrounded by people?

98

Nothing Gold Can Stay
by Robert Frost
Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

AND MY ATTEMPT TO CHANGE IT UP AS PER OUR POETRY PROMPT FOR TODAY.

Nothing Old Can Stay

We die when we are old,
So lucky enough to hold,
Onto our power,
Seems like a brief hour,
Then death comes in the night.

So Eden started it all,
Our start to fall,
Nothing old can stay.

97

Suddenly, and for the first time (in a long long time), I am questioning. Questioning how I do things, how I come across to people.

I don't like to be judged if you don't get to know me first. After you know me, then judge all you want.

But I guess first impressions...make an impression.

I'll be out and about and all alone tonight. :(

Oy.

96

So, I chatted with...wait...I have to think of a name...it'll come to me...wait for it...wait for it...wow, I'm having a hard time with this one...Ogre. How's that? So anyway...I've been chatting with Ogre...and he's explained some poly stuff that fascinates me. Kinda cool really.

Ogre is Joy's husband. He's very nice...and he doesn't...make me uncomfortable the way most men chatters do. Which is nice.

In other news...yeah who am I kidding...there is no other news. :)

Some days I just have serious trouble with focusing. Today would be that day! Eeeekkkk.

We are on the cusp of spring...and it's buggin' me to pieces to just be on the cusp. Either be warm or be cold...quit teasing us already!

Oh, and I'm gonna go look up SCA now.

95

For today's prompt, I want you to take the title of a poem you especially like (by another poet) and change it. Then, with this new altered title, I want you to write a poem. An example would be to take William Carlos Williams' "The Red Wheelbarrow" and change it to "The Red Volkswagon." Or take Frank O'Hara's "Why I Am Not a Painter" and change it to "Why I Am Not a Penguin." You get the idea, right? (Note: Your altered poem does NOT have to follow the same style as the original poet, though you can try if you wish.)

(I wasn't done posting here...but I don't remember what else I was going to say...)

Oh, and I got the above prompt from here. (As I have all of the prompts.)

94

And, I registered for my math class.

For fuck's sake, I need to complete this class already!

93

My friend just invited me to visit her in Costa Rica. I told her I would consider it. Maybe next winter, like...March, 2010. I'll have to check out specifics. :)

92

Here's my daily whine. Sheesh. I'm such a girl sometimes. :)

So, Mist & Magnum were supposed to have a date last night. But she changed the plan. So all day long, I think they are gonna spend the evening together and around 6 o'clock last night I'm told that she changed the plan.

So, now they are supposed to go out tonight instead. Except, tonight I have plans. So now she's interferring with MY plans. And, that, I don't like. Every third Wednesday, I go out and do a thing. It's on all of my calendars. Magnum Knows. He keeps Jack while I go. Every third Wednesday.

Except Mist changed her date night, so that now I have to rearrange my schedule or take Jack with me or whatever.

Am I wrong to be like this? I think it's her trying to have the control. Maybe it's me. I dunno.

I'm gonna post this because I've been doing other stuff and I don't want to lose it. :)

91

Love Is

Love is...

raspberry cotton candy
tulips in spring
summertime lemonade
aquamarine
colors of autumn
crisp of a Macintosh
perfect six point flakes
soft woolen socks

90

So, I've been chatting with Joy's husband, more than I've been chatting with her. Not really by choice...but he's chattier...and she...not so much. So, I'll tag him to say hey and then we end up chatting.

Talking to him (and her for that matter), is really enlightening insofaras polyamory goes.

And, today, for the first time in a while, I've missed Skye. Pffftttt.

And, how do I feel about Magnum seeing Mist tonight? Hmmm...um...I'm good. I think my biggest issue is this need I have for her to know that just because he's seeing her, doesn't mean he doesn't love me. I know this. He knows this. But for whatever reason, I want her to know this. I think that was a big issue with us before. I always felt like she wanted him all to herself. Like, she thought, somehow, she'd have a snowball's chance in hell of snatching him. (Which I am not the LEAST bit afraid of!) But, I don't like it that she feels that way. Not a good poly attitude. Chaknow? She's extremely needy and that takes a lot out of a person.

Ok, I have much to do. I've been a lazy ass for the last 3 days. Ugh.

89

So, I think I would like being a third. Is that weird? I like the thought of having the freedom and the security, all wrapped in one.

I'm frustrated because I think I'm not being as honest as I want to be in my blog because I know people read it. And, that's wrong. I should just be able to write whatever I like, right?

Tired = frustrated = not able to put my thoughts into something tangible = frustration.

88

For the past 4 days or so...I have been so damn tired. Like, I'm a tired girl in general, but the last couple days it's been so much worse. I hate it. Maybe it's because I've been eating sugar. Maybe it's because I've had a Reese's Peanut Butter Egg for breakfast and lunch for the last 4 days.

All I know is, I want to crawl into bed right now and not wake up until tomorrow.

So, I'm wondering if I shouldn't go ahead with the 50 dates thing. It would keep me from getting stuck on just one person, right?

Speaking of one person, I have been dreaming about Joy's husband. WTF? Very good dreams. Not sexual so much as...tender? Maybe? I don't know what it is. Weird though, that's for sure.

I need to post this so I can read a few things...and come back to blogging. Plus children are running amuck.

87

So, tonight, Magnum has a date with Mist. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm working through it and will get back to it.

In other news...

Today is Tuesday, which means two prompts.
First prompt: Write a love poem.
Second prompt: Write an anti-love poem.

Hmmmm....I like Tuesdays.

86

Here's my poem for the day. The prompt is to write about a hobby.

Every third Wednesday,
I go out alone,
I sit in the park,
On my favorite gray stone,
I dream of dreaming,
And growing old,
I look at the sky,
I pray for my soul
I smell the fresh air,
And breathe in the cold,
I listen to beauty,
The best story told,
This is my hobby,
Just being alone.

85

So...

I'm kinda at a loss...or...wait.

I kinda don't know what to think about something.

A certain someone said "yeah, you are totally getting blown off" And, "that's the equivalent of 'sorry I can't go out, I'm washing my hair tonight'"

I'm usually kinda good at deciphering how a person thinks. Or feels.

And, I'm not doing so good this time.

I tend to run.

I'm so bad about things like this. I need reassurance and when I don't get it...I think bad things.

It's much easier to not care...ya know?

And, wanting...and not knowing...is icky.

Oh, and I am uninspired with my freakin' poetry.

Let it be what it is...let it be what it is.

"She thinks you're super delicious!" That's such a good commercial.

I have to write poetry. I thought maybe writing a blog would get my juices flowing.

83

Today's prompt is: write a poem that incorporates a hobby (either yours or someone else's).

I just needed to put that here on my blog to remind me.

More later.

83

"So we decided to (blank)" is today's poetry prompt.



(Note: This is soooo not something I've put a lot of thought or time into...but I'm so tired I can't see straight.)



So We Decided To...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So we decided to eat eggs and ham

So we decided to eat toast and spam

So we decided to eat onions and beans

So we decided to eat tacos and greens



So we decided to go far and away

So we decided to go dark and gray

So we decided to go inside and out

So we decided to go around and about



Next time we eat we'll stick to bread and cheese

Next time we go we'll stick to home and sleep

82

Today's poem is to write about an object. This has been the hardest poem for me so far.



Bed

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Too simple
Write poetry
My head thinks
My heart knows
Deep down
Dreamy passions
Float to the surface
Drown the fear
Take a pill
Go away
Walk the walk
Talk the talk
Trees and apples
Pie and bread
Quilts and cozy beds
Fear and loathing
Despair and desolation
Cold water and frozen peas

My bed beckons me

81

So...today I met Joy.

I know...I get all...obsessed.

But she's so...there's a word. Calm? Maybe.

Like, with Skye, I want her in a very possessive grab her hips pull her hair kinda way.

And, with Mist, I think I was like, sure there could be potential.

But Joy. Just is. There's a comfort in her smile. There's just this...thing.

It's really scary actually.

I haven't had my belly flipped in a long long time.

She flipped my belly.

It.

Is.

Scary.

80

I.

Might.

Be.

In.

Trouble.

But, in this case, it's a good thing.

I think. :)

79

Today's poem prompt is: Friday.

Here's my poem #10.

"Jack"
~~~~~~~~
Created on a Friday
Good Friday to be exact
Though we didn’t know it yet
He would change our lives

Make us better people
Make us smile when we didn’t think we had any smiles left
Make us feel
Make us believe
Make us trust
Make unconditional love a reality, not just a theory.

Born on a snowy January day
We knew
Our lives were forever
Changed.

78

I love women. Really. I want to touch them.

I go through phases...and apparently I'm on a girl phase. :)

77

I wanted to write a big ol' blog about polyamory...except now I'm too busy to do that.

But I would like to direct your attention here.

And, also, I wanted to mention, without even knowing there was a term for the feeling, I have, and have had for a long time felt this.

Ehhhhh, so much to dooooooo. Dammit!!!!

76

Poem...um...what day is it? Um...9. Yeah, poem 9. The prompt was to write about a memory.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The title is "Joy"
~~~~
Distracted by the memory
Of her precious scent
Grey-green eyes
Smiles like morning
Smells like honey
Tastes like rain
A beauty to behold

Distracted by the memory
How soon we forget
Dark cold eyes
Honey, too sweet
Rain floods, drowns
She’s a beauty to behold
As long as you remember
To let go

75

Poem 8~The prompt is to write about a routine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I didn't title it.

I swallow my routine,
Like an old crusty bagel,
Choking down the chewy mediocrity,
With bitter black life.

74

Poetry.



I've never been much into poetry. A bunch of sappy words, that drone on and on. Melodrama at it's finest. And, I always imgined "poets" as sad loners who are just a click away from blowing their brains out.



So, I don't consider myself a "poet".



I do consider myself a writer, tho. And, I am writing poetry to step out of my box. Chaknow? Like, try something different. Expand horizons...all of that crap.



And, honestly, I am really enjoying the poetry challenge I'm doing. We get a prompt. We write a poem. I like.



Today's poem is supposed to be about a routine. I haven't written it yet. So, we shall see how it goes.

73

I am worn rightthehell out.

The emotional drain is driving me insane. (Great, now I'm writing in rhymes.)

72

Pain. In. My. Side. Ouch.

So, my side is hurting, right in my lower ribs. Which started a thought process...and here's how it went...

A few weeks ago I went to get a haircut and one of the men that I was introduced to said "Do people ever call you Adam's Rib?" (My answer, UM...no!)

Anyway, so my side is hurting and I think, that must be where Adam's freakin' rib is!!!

Which made me think of how unreal the story of Adam and Eve is. I mean, to Christians, is this story Real? Like really? God created a man and blew air into his nostrils? Really? And then, from this mans rib, god made a woman? Really?

I just don't get it.

71

Poem 7-It's a twofer! Two for Tuesday. Which means we get a choice, which I kinda like. The prompt is to either write a dirty poem or a clean poem. (Or one of each if we feel so inclined.) Here's mine.

Easter Sunday

Fingers are stained
Different shades
What started out
As pretty
Is now an awful brown

Women wear white gloves
Men utilize the pockets
Of their Sunday best

Pray
Confess
Cleanse your soul
Wash away your sins

But your fingers
Will still be stained

70

I'm crabby. Wait...not crabby...somber? Maybe? The weather, combined with the Magnum situation, make me...meh. And I hate being meh.

I don't want to be meh. Dammit. I want to be sunshiney and warm and nice. I haven't been nice to Magnum at all lately. As a matter of fact, I've been a flat out bitch. But, he just isn't getting it. And, I try try try to be nice about things and keep a positive attitude, but guess what, it never works. He doesn't ever really seem to hear me until I get so completely pissed that I can't contain myself and go off on him. And, when I go off on someone, it aint pretty. So, we pretty much haven't spoken for four days. I mean, we are cordial, but nothing extra. I tried to be nice and apologize on Sunday, but he just wasn't feelin' it.

What if this is, the end? What if we don't get past this? What if we can't get on the same page? Ugh.

In other news...

Yesterday, Magnum babysat for one of the babies while her sister, mother, JDRW, and I went to this Mommy & Me thing. So, when we get back she comes in with me to pick up the baby...and the baby comes running up to her mother...nope...make that Past her mother, to me with outstretched arms. I picked her up and she snuggled in and literally threw a fit when her mother took her. :( I felt bad for the mother, but I loved it that she wanted me.

I'm so tired of the meh's.

69

There have been 7 days in April, and on 5 of those 7, it has rained. On the other 2...it's snowed. As it is, right now, on April freakin' 7th. I mean, c'mon!!!!

My tomato plants look kinda silly, sitting there, looking out the window, at the snow. I think one of them just stuck out it's tongue and went ppppfffffftttttt.

68

Poem 6-Today's prompt is to write about something that's missing.

Missing Me?
~~~~~~~~~~
Head aching with morning dew
Soft rain on the pillow
Lost again in the crowd
Tormented by the blue
Forever longing
For a change
Sincerity evading
Mocking with the horror of love
Holding down the tide
Wading in
Balance lost
Fading into a moonless sky
Darkness pulls me under

67

(*This is the other blog that I didn't finish or post. It was just basically some random thoughts on a possible poem.)

I lost him on a chilly November morning.

He was my friend.

He made me laugh.

He was proud of me.

He told me I was pretty.

He loved me.

66

(*So...apparently I've started to write 2 blogs and didn't complete them, but they "count" in my total and since I seem to be a little weird about the numbers...I'm gonna post these as they are. Whatevs.)

Potential.



Hmmmm.



I think that's what scary about Joy. There is potential.



And, with the thought of potential, comes the fear of failure? Like, right now, there is definately potential. But, if (or when, it seems) we meet, what if it's just a total flop.

65

Ok, so I think it's weird.

I wrote a poem, about a sheep, and a day later the prompt is to write about an animal.

So, for the animal poem, I write about my cat who's missing.

Today's poem, is supposed to be about something that's missing.

How the hell am I doing that?

64

Today's prompt is to write about a landmark, big or small, well known or not so well known.

Landmark Hotel

During my lunch break
At a quarter ‘til one
I park in the lot
Across the street
And watch them come
And go
They have no idea
That here I sit
Watching them
Breaking me
The man I love
And the woman he loves
At the Landmark Hotel

63

So today's prompt is to write about an animal. And, it usually takes me a while to write a poem in my head...but this morning a friend asked me about my MIA cat...and that prompted my poetic genius...yes, I said genius. :) (And, I have to check to see if that last word is "allowed").

Poem 4

M.I.A.

My cat went splat,
Or perhaps ate a bat,
And choked on the chewy wings?

Perhaps he got lost,
Or was bitten by frost,
And counldn't get past the sting?

Maybe he was eaten,
Or just simply beaten,
And too weak to fight the thing?

Maybe he got bored,
Or just found a whore,
And now he's too busy fucking?

62

Poem 3-(The prompt was to write a poem with the following title, obviously filling in the blank with your own word: The problem with __________ is)

The Problem With March Is

Peepers chirp
Into the night
Reminding us
That spring is near
Grass grows
From the dark rich soil
Reminding us
That spring is near
Sun shines
On cold toes
Reminding us
That spring is near
Birds sing
Just before dawn
Reminding us
That spring is near

61

Rain. Again.

Magnum and I are in a tiff. Again.

Sigh.

I love rain, if it's equally balanced with sunshine. But, yeah. Not so much. There have been 3 days in April, and it has rained all 3 of those days. Yesterday afternoon, we did get about 2 hours of sunshine.

I love Magnum, but I need to find a balance with him in regards to our parenting views. I have a more evolved style...where he's more old fashioned. If things aren't perfect and to His liking, then he is not happy which means no one is happy. And, I'm getting kinda bored with it already. I try to be nice and understanding...but he doesn't. I've sent him a few articles recently regarding the teenager view of things but he just says it's a "hippie" way of doing things. Well, not in those words exactly...but you get the point.

And he's a crab ass. Really. Crabby. Allofthetime. I've talked to him about it, but he just huffs around and never really makes any attempt at all to do better.

So, here I am, left to ponder our relationship. Our parental disagreements and different attitudes about life in general (I'm positive, he is sooo not) are having a negative effect on our lives. I try and try again to make it work, to find a happy medium. But with him there seems to be no happy or medium.

I've always said like is as important as love. I love him. But like? Not so much these days. We are just too different. I feel like a wife, but not a friend.

And that just sucks.

60

Poem 2 (4/2/09-A poem from the outside...from some one or something's view as the outsider?)

Dark Hearted Fruit
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lay me out
On the wooden table
Fondle me

Soft downy skin
Supple flesh
Sweet scent

Cut me open

Ravage me
Eat me
Slurp up my juice
Devour me

But my hard heart
Will soon be discarded

59

Poem for 4/1/2009 (It's called an origin poem.)

bo peep’s lost friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~
to keep me warm
does that make you cold?
knitted to fit
lower phalanges
giving your gift
so willingly
the gift of warmth
at the cost of being naked

58

I'm such a girl.

(Have you ever been bitten my a hungry Italian?) (Sorry, I'm watching friends and that's what Joey just said.)

So anyway...back to...being a girl.

I was all worried. And, it isn't so bad after all.

57

I should leave. I should pack mine and the kids stuff up, and just leave.

But I won't.

But I should.

Because I disappoint on the regular, and I can't stand it anymore.

Yesterday, I was thinking, that on so many levels, Magnum and I aren't compatible. At all. As a matter of fact, I'd say we were at opposite ends of the compatibility scale on a lot of things. But I love him.

Is love enough?

So, anyway, now, when I am having this outrageously stressful day, I just want him not to be mad at me. I want him to not be disappointed.

I want to talk to him about the stessor...but he's going to be so mad at me. I keep typing emails to send him, and then I chicken out. Because why should he be stressed? I mean, I'm stressed enough, why should we both be. I guess I figure confessing to him will make me feel better.

20 minutes later...

So I emailed and as expected he's pissed.

I need to not be this person that I am. I need to be better. And I will be.

From this point forward I will be better.

56

After this post, I'm going back to fix the numbers because it's driving me insane. I realize that some of the blogs aren't going to make sense because they make reference to their numbers...but oh well.

So, I've decided I can't write, or diet, or work out when I'm stressed. Like, it's bad. Really bad. I'm so....aaaaahhhh.

See...I got nothing.

Fuck.

55

I screwed up. Big. And, until next Tuesday, there's really nothing I can do about it. Except stress. A. Lot.

It makes me nauseous...and...I'm pretty all alone in it because I don't want Magnum to stress about stuff. Plus, I hate it when I feel stupid.

That's all I can even write right now.

It'll all turn out for the best.