Impossibility.

Here I am again, wishing I wasn't here and wondering if I'll have the courage to do something about it, or if I'll spend another chunk of my life waiting for the right moment...waiting for change...waiting for everything to magically come together.

Once again I'm torn between, maybe it isn't so bad, and whatthefuck are you talking about this isn't how it's supposed to be.  But what if I don't know how it's supposed to be.  Don't I have to consider other's feelings or should I consider my happiness to be the defining factor and if I'm not happy, no one else can truly be happy with me.  So, if I make my self happy, others around me will be happy also?

My marriage is clearly an impossibility.  It isn't getting better, only worse.  We can't communicate...we rarely have a conversation about anything that matters that doesn't end in an argument or a disagreement.  Well, actually we rarely have a conversation about anything that doesn't end badly.

Magnum was doing ok for a while...tolerable almost pleasant.  But he recently made a decision that changed everything...and he is such a dick.  He whole tone and demeanor are different.  I really don't want to have the argument about a divorce with him, because he's such a dick these days.  But it's him being a dick that confirms for me that something has to change.  My life has to change.  Now is as good of a time as any to change things.

I'm not delusional, I know going back to Illinois isn't going to be all happy happy all of the time and my family who I miss so much right now, will piss me off and get on my nerves like mad, but even that can't be as bad as it is here...struggling to be happy, struggling to make others happy, and being virtually alone.

Right at this moment, I think, yes, when he gets home today, I talk to him.  I'll try to gently express to him how unhappy I am.  I'll try to express to him that I love him, but that I am so unhappy here.

But, will I?  Really?

Stopped.

Wow, I've really stopped blogging.  For a while blogging was almost like breathing to me...and then I got kinda down and lost my way.  And then my blog is all fucked up with cafeellanoise.com not working as my blog anymore.  It frustrates me.  I'm trying to move on from it and just deal.  But, ugh.

I just signed up to do Nanowrimo....should be fun.

There's so much more to write about...but I'm tired...more tomorrow.........................................maybe.

I still have no idea why/how to get back to www.cafeellanoise.com.  HELP???  Anyone??

?

When do I catch a break?

WhatDoIDoWithIt?

A few months back (March 9th to be exact) I wrote about a girl (what's new right) and I said she was THE most beautiful girl I'd seen lately.  I wrote this:


"And, finally, during a writing assignment luncheon today (I felt so fancy), I saw THE most beautiful girl I've seen lately. I did some quick research and I know her name-but I can't freaking find her on facebook. It's just pissing me off." 


I tried to find her.  I got some basic info and then I found her on Linkedin.  I added her to my connections, but never messaged her or anything.


Last night, in the wake of Skye telling me she was meeting a new girl for coffee (blah), I sent this girl a message.


I woke up this morning to a reply.  And we've been going at it all day.  I asked her random questions, (favorite vegetable?, favorite color?, favorite food?, etc) and she answered them all.  Rapidly.  Like we were chatting ALL day.


I know she's gay.  I know she's hot.  Maybe a normal girl (and we all know I'm not) would know what to do with this girl, but I don't.  Do I just let it be what it is and stick to linkedin messages?  

I think if she was a man I'd know what to do.  But, give the person a fucking vagina and I'm lost like bo peeps sheep.  


Let it be.  Let it be.  Let it be.  I think Let It Be will be the name of my first book.


Oy.  So I totally  just left this page, went backed to Linkedin and gave her my number and told her to text me sometime.  Now I just have to wait for the reply that says "I would but my girlfriend and I are getting married next weekend, so, no."  


Grrrr.

Verge.

I'm very irritated.  I'm having issues.

I want to be happy.

Happy just isn't my friend.

What do I need to do to make me happy?

I'm on the verge of change.  Always on the verge.

Blue.

If nothing else, she's predictable.

Kinda like the weather.  Sometimes the sky is dark, or cloudy, or sunshiney.  Sometimes there's a rainbow, sometimes there's thunder.

But it always comes back to blue, doesn't it?

Better.

There's always that nagging little bitch in the back of my head reminding me that I am just a fill in until something else comes along.  Notice I didn't say something better?

Doesn't she realize, she always comes back to me?  Or am I just that stupid, that I let her use me over and over and then discard me when she thinks she's found true love?

Oy.

I need to not think.  It's soooo much better when I don't think.  :)

Gah.

I have to get it out of my head and this seems to be the place to do it.  I want to write to her, but I don't want to get all creepy stalker on her-not that I'm not already.  Let's say I don't want to get any more creepy stalker on her.

She's 24.  I'm 40.  You do the math.  Age shouldn't matter, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it.  A lot.

She feels so good to me.  Have I ever felt this comfortable with anyone?  I try to blame it on the fact that we've been doing this "thing" for 4 years...but in my opinion we've always been comfie.

She's different this time.  Or maybe I'm different-although I don't feel different unless it's different as in I want her more than ever different-which seems impossible, I know.

I spent the night with her last Saturday.  Gulp.  Really, that's all I can say about it.  If I said what I wanted to say I'd have to make my blog "adult only" and I don't wanna.

Last night she made dinner for me.  Has a girl ever had me over to her apartment and made dinner for me before?  She told me she could cook before, but being the cooking snob that I am, I always thought "uh-huh".

The girl can cook.  She made stir fry.  Like, from scratch.  Fresh veggies, her own spices.  I don't even make stir fry like that.  And it was yummy.  I don't know what was better, watching her cook, or eating her food.

So, I'm avoiding my main point here.  Gah.

I want her.  I want her in every way.  I want her.  I want to give her things, and show her things, and do things to her like I've never wanted to do to anyone.  I want to do things with her, for her, that I've never wanted to do with anyone before.  I contemplate scenarios with her, that I've never contemplated before.  It is intoxicating and scary as fuck.

I want to be better for her.

I call her baby-but only in texts or online messages, and it gives me butterflies every time.

I'm gonna get broken.  But, I think it's worth it.

Neglected.

I'm feeling neglected these days.  Maybe being away for 8 days helped me to see things differently when I returned?  I just really feel like Magnum isn't paying attention to me.  Even when I speak, it's like he's not listening.  He does his things, and I guess I'm supposed to do mine.  I just haven't gotten attention or time from him.  I don't know if it's been this way for a while, and I'm just now noticing, or if it's been different just since I got back.

Fenton pays me zero attention these days.  :(  Which I suppose is probably for the best.

Then there's always the Skye drama.  She dates girls, stops talking to me, fights with the girls, calls me, the girls find out she's talking to me, the girls send me nasty messages, I stop talking to Skye, she breaks up with  girls, and asks me to be friends with her again.  Um...really?  I asked her yesterday why I should be her friend.  I've always been good to her, while she's been pretty shitty to me.  So, why should I be her friend?  The answer, simply put, is I shouldn't.  Too much drama.

While I was in Illinois, I almost hooked up (that's a funny phrase) with an ex.  I can't even explain it.  We laid in the same bed for a little while and she started rubbing my back...and it really got me all worked up.  But then I guess I started thinking about all of the girl drama that comes with hooking up...and I just didn't want that.  Plus, I see the ex as a very needy individual-I mean she's had a pretty shitty life-and I just didn't want to take advantage of her, which is exactly what the situation would have been had I allowed anything to happen.  As it turns out, just trying to explain why I couldn't hook up ended up being drama filled anyway.  I tried to be honest about why it couldn't/didn't happen...and I still kinda got told off for it.

I also met someone in St. Louis while I was visiting that may pan out to be a very unique and interesting experience.  I can't say more about it yet, because I just don't want to jinx it.  I hope it all works out.

I'm job hunting.  I hate job hunting.  I get all anxiety ridden.  I start to over think things and then I start to think what's the point and what about the cost of child care...and blah blah blah.  I did find a job listing that I really, really want for a Service Coordinator.  But, if I don't get it, it wasn't meant to be.

I need a new car.  I need a job to get a new car.  But I need a new car just the same.  Grrr.  There is a local place that will hook me up, but I have to have a real job for at least 2 months before I can get financing.

And, just to clarify, I was warm for 8 days.  Warm to the bone...hot even...maybe even a little sweaty.  And now...well...I'm freezing.  The high yesterday was 59.  Are you kidding me?  It's JUNE!!!  Grrrr.  :)

Lost.

Sometimes...most times...these days I just feel like I'm drowning.  My mind races and races with how do I change things...but it just keeps racing...until I'm exhausted.  I get peace when I sleep, but only because I take ambien...if it weren't for that I wouldn't sleep at all because my mind just races.

I like to think there's Hope...out there...somewhere...hiding...just waiting for me to discover.  But I've been searching for so long...searching and searching for something that can't be found?

I took a vacation, separate from Magnum and JDRW and Teenager 2.  I came home, to Illinois, to see Teenager 3 graduate from high school.  It's been 6 days.  I started to get lonely for Magnum on the 4th day...and today has been the most difficult.

I want to move here, I don't want to leave Magnum.  And the more I think about moving here, the less sure I am as to whether that is the right answer.

Plus, I love being near my family, but the more I'm near them, the less I want to be like them.  They are depressing in their own right.

I'm 40 fucking years old, and I'm no where and I don't know where to go or how to get there and it's starting to feel like a broken record, isn't it?

I thought this post might help me put things into perspective...but it just makes me tired.

R&R.

Turns out this is a rant & rave sort of post...sorry...

I think I'm starting to understand my mothers mind and how it fell apart.  Not that she's crazy really.  But at some point she lost her grip on some things...and I live with this constant nagging fear that I am also losing my grip.  The sad part is, I don't know how to get it back or to hold on to what little I have.

For the past few days I've just had this nagging icky feeling of...doom or despair or something equally icky.  It really, really, blows.  I feel like I'm at the bottom of a hill and just as I think I'm making progress on the climb, the earth beneath me slips and I stumble back to the bottom.

I've requested Magnum's help on some things, but he just doesn't have the desire or maybe the capacity to help me with it.  I feel like I'm being swallowed by some things...and I really need some assistance with conquering & slaying the dragons.

In other news...I'm going to Saint Louis by myself next week.  I'm excited, but I will also miss JDRW.  I haven't been away from him in a long, long time.  He almost cried when I told him today.

I started working at a green house today.  It's work, but it's not easy and it's sort of boring and the woman who owns it is old and kinda crotchety and crabby.  I don't want to go back tomorrow (and if I choose not to, I don't have to because my arm is supposed to be in therapy and the woman knows this and if I call her to say I can't work, it's no big deal), but it's money coming in that wouldn't normally be coming in...and I've been feeling sooo guilty lately about not having a job.  Sadface.

In other, other news, Skye and her girl are already fighting/breaking up/about to kill each other.  I don't know if I should be happy or sad about it.

And I guess that's all for now...ugh...I'm just so frustrated.

A&A.

Fucking "A" months kick my ass when it comes to being girl crazy.  Or sex crazy.  Or something.  Because OMG.  It's so bad.  April & August.  Thank fuck there are only 2.

Skye is out of the picture again...my fault for not jumping on that when I had the chance...but the timing just wasn't right.  I hope she and I can still hang out.  Just hanging out with her should be enough to quench a tiny bit of the thirst.  She has a new girl who seems pretty cool...but again...these girls move to fast for me because she's already living with Skye.  The other girl just moved out in March, right?

Then I saw a girl in WalMart yesterday and I swear I wanted to freaking drag her to my car and bring her home with me.  She was just so...cute.  Adorable.  I figured since she was at the pharmacy she must have been sick and I just wanted to hold her and make her soup and cuddle with her.  And I don't even know the girl!  Of course, I found out about her as soon as I could because whatdayaknow lesbians do all know each other and Skye knows her.  She only told me the girls first name...not that it matters really because as Magnum likes to say, what would I do with her if I got her?  :)

And, for which I'm sure I'll get in trouble, a long lost friend has reconnected with me via facebook...and he is beautiful.  If I had to build a man that was the most edible man to me, right now, it would look just like him.  OMG.  I have a taste, lately, for men of a darker shade-it's kinda new for me.  I was always a redneck lovin' kinda girl but these dark men with brilliant blue eyes...fortheloveofgod...gulp.

And, finally, I think I have a date?  I met the person as a girl a few years back, but I guess she's transitioned to a he.  Either way, he's fine.  Fine.  We have plans to go to the drive in.  Something I would have probably said no to if it were anyone else.  But he said we could snuggle up in the back of his truck.  And when I told him I get really cold, he said he'd keep me warm.  Tingle.  And, I've already asked Magnum how this person factors into the open relationship thing.  Because I only date girls.  He and I both knew him when he was a girl.  So...I guess we'll see how Magnum feels when I come home all aglow & aflutter.

Trouble.

The trouble is...I don't have any passions right now.

It's hard to be passionate when there are so many little stressors.

And the little stressors aren't something I can fix.  They are something Magnum has to work on.  And we don't communicate, so it just stresses me more.  Not communicating is my choice tho, because if it's bad, I don't want to know.

I have ideas and plans, but it's so hard to focus on those when the stressors are around every corner.  Stressors that make me sick to my stomach and make my heart palpitate.

Not to even mention, I am not in love with living here in NY anymore.  I mean, how can I plan a garden when I don't even want to be here?  Why do I want to make the place cute, when there's no one to come over and visit?  It's just so frustrating.

Not to mention, I don't have any help.  I mentioned to Magnum over the weekend that I needed help.  I'm pretty sure it fell on deaf ears.

Grrrr.

Knocking.

THIS WAS WRITTEN WEEKS, MONTHS AGO-just now hit publish tho.

Wow I am in a funk that I can not seem to dig myself out of.  It's worse than it's ever been.  Is it a midlife crisis? Seasonal Associative Disorder?  Menopause?  PMDD?  PMS?  WTF?

I'm having problems understanding the point.  I'm here, but I'm having trouble with my purpose.

My head aches just trying to comprehend and focus on anything.  Of course, my head has been aching for weeks.  So does my head ache because I can't focus?  Or can I not focus because my head aches?

I do know I'm tired of doing dishes and cleaning.  Fuck.  And I don't have an escape.  There's nothing that I have that's mine.  I need a sanctuary.   I need a room I can go into, lock the door, listen to my music and not have anyone bother me.  Yeah, right.  That's never going to happen.  I can't even piss without someone knocking on the door.

Grass.

Fuck all of this be nice shit.  What I really want to say is...

I HATE this house.  I feel like it's swallowing me.  NO ONE helps me ever and it seems like it's all my responsibility and I can't do it all myself.  For fucks sake you'd think someone would notice and help me but they don't.  And if I ask for help, then they stand there and look around and say, "what do you need help with?" Oh my god, really?

I hate this place.  It's so wrong.  I hate it and I'm stuck.  Do you know how fucking hard it is to be somewhere you don't want to be?  Do you also know how hard it is to break someone's heart?  I wish for ONCE someone would think of me, instead of me always thinking of everyone else.  Just for ONCE that would be fucking nice.

I hate the unfriendly people in this state.  I hate the government in this state.  I hate the prices in this state.

I hate being alone.  I hate that there isn't a point.  Keep the house nice and pretty?  For fucking what?  Aside from our kids and the teenagers girlfriend-who the fuck Ever comes to our house?  No One, that's who.  And even when they do, they are all stiff and uncomfortable.

I want family to come over and never leave.  I want my house to be so full of family that they are sleeping on the floors.  I want family who comes in, goes to the fridge, gets a snack, plops down on my couch, maybe complains about what I'm watching, and then falls asleep because they are home.

I want a fucking garden that actually produces vegetables.  I want dirt that smells like dirt and a yard that has to be mowed twice a week, not once a season.  I want 3 months of winter and 9 months of spring/summer/fall.  I hate this 8 months of winter, 2 weeks of summer, the rest of the year just ICK shit-grey and cold and brown and drizzly.  Weather that's too lazy to be passionate.

I've always had an excuse to stay.  Job.  I got none now.  Kids.  Older ones will be out of high school as of June and JDRW would rather be in Illinois anyway.  Husband.  Yup, there's the hook holding me in a place I hate.

It's miserable here.  I don't even know why he wants to stay.  Fear of failing his father somehow by selling the house to one of his brothers?  If I leave, who will he have?  He doesn't see his brothers.  He hasn't seen his daughter in years.  Cousins at funerals or random seeing them out shopping.  There are no barbecues.  There are no holiday get togethers.  And when there are, there's this uncomfortableness that drives me insane.  Everyone is nice and polite and you know fucking well that as soon as you leave they are talking shit.  Yeah, my family does the same thing...but they'll talk shit right in front of you.

JDRW fucking had a one kid egg hunt because there are no other fucking kids in this family and the ones that are here...Magnum doesn't talk to and we don't have a relationship with.

I have to get out.  I know they say the grass is always greener.  But jesus christ, at least they have fucking grass.

Soul.

Wow.

I don't know what's up with the blogger crap but it won't let me view my blog at cafeellanoise.com but if I go the old fashioned way without the domain name, it works. I dunno. It's frustrating because you can't find help anywhere on blogger.

A LOT has gone on over the past few months.

Once again, I'm wanting to go home and the only thing holding me here is Magnum. It's unfortunate. But, I hate it here. It's brown and grey and cold and lonely. Magnum tries, he really does, and so far I guess it's worked because I'm still here. I've talked to him about me going to Illinois for just the summer-maybe that would quench my thirst. Somehow I don't think it would tho. We went for a visit a few weeks ago and it felt so good to be around family and in the warmth and in the shadow of St. Louis. It's home to me. Magnum has my heart...but I'm afraid my soul is longing for family and friends and familiarity.

What else? Teenager 1 (who isn't a teenager anymore) broke up with her boyfriend and moved back to Illinois. I cried for two days. I cried because I'll miss her. I cried because her boyfriend's heart is broken and I hate it that he's hurting. I cried because I'm proud of her for following what SHE needs instead of letting others dictate her choices. I am happy for her. I'm even a bit jealous-but she knows it so it's ok.

I broke my wrist by falling up my porch two weeks ago. I just got the cast off today and it's amazing how fast I can type without that freakin' anchor. :)

I guess that's really all I have for now. I mean, there's more...I could go on and on...but I'm just...my mind is running and I have to put my thoughts into order before I type more.

Grrrrr.

My blog is all effed up.  It's pissing me off because I don't know where to go to get help to fix it.  I post, I get an email in my inbox saying my post is posted...but my blog hasn't updated since March 9th.  Grrr.  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Test.

Testing.

Content.

O my god this is where I need to be.  It is so amazing.

Home.

What does a person do when they are married to a person they love, but hate the place that they live?

I love being here in Illinois. I love it.  It feels so good.  It feels like home.  It feels like this is where I should be.  Of course, I'm a firm believer in if this is where I should be, something will bring me back here.  JDRW has family here.  On Saturday we went to a bbq and he actually had cousins his age to play with.  He has aunts and uncles and grandparents.  He's making cake pops with his aunt right now.  He doesn't have that where we live.  I mean, he has aunts and uncles that he NEVER sees.  He has a sister that he hasn't seen in 2 years.  Because they have big fat attitudes.

I love it that I can sit here on my computer or go to the fridge and grab whatever I want or go take a nap and no one is going to complain or question or whine.  I love it that everyone talks at the same time.  I love it that we can all argue like hell and then 5 minutes later it's all good.  I love it that in the morning you can open the windows for fresh air but by afternoon you have to crank up the ac because it's so hot.  I love it that my legs ache because I walked for 5 hours at the zoo.  I love how people help people here.

My skin feels good.  My heart feels full.

SadBroom.

Ok, so...

Lots of stuff going on in my life right now.  The highlights are:

I'm loving writing for the paper.  I feel all grown up.

I've been semi seeing Skye-although I'm really not sure I'm feeling it.  I don't know what it is...maybe I just learned my lesson last time and I'm not going to put myself out there again?  Then again, today is her birthday...maybe she's getting too old for me.  Ha!

I dropped my classes this semester.  My SAD got to me bad this semester.  I was seriously down and out for weeks.

I might-probably-go to Illinois for a visit in 2 weeks...holy crap...one week from today.  Crazy, but true.

I panicked about turning 40, had all of my hair chopped off, and started a new business.

No, your broom standing on end has nothing to do with anything except brooms can stand on end when you try to stand them on end.  It is creepy, but it has nothing to do with solar flares or equinox.  Check it here.

And, finally, during a writing assignment luncheon today (I felt so fancy), I saw THE most beautiful girl I've seen lately.  I did some quick research and I know her name-but I can't freaking find her on facebook.  It's just pissing me off.

That is all.

Piss.

Wow I am in a funk that I can not seem to dig myself out of.  It's worse than it's ever been.  Is it a midlife crisis? Seasonal Affective Disorder?  Menopause?  PMDD?  PMS?  WTF?

I'm having problems understanding the point.  I'm here, but I'm having trouble with my purpose.

My head aches just trying to comprehend and focus on anything.  Of course, my head has been aching for weeks.  So does my head ache because I can't focus?  Or can I not focus because my head aches?

I do know I'm tired of doing dishes and cleaning.  Fuck.  And I don't have an escape.  There's nothing that I have that's mine.  I need a sanctuary.   I need a room I can go into, lock the door, listen to my music and not have anyone bother me.  Yeah, right.  That's never going to happen.  I can't even piss without someone knocking on the door.

VD. :)

Fail.  On my new blog at least.  I just couldn't keep up the pace.  I wanted to.  Really I did.  But it felt like it was something I HAD to do, instead of something I WANTED to do.  It was a nice concept.  :)

In other news...I'm a writer.  :)  No seriously.  I am now a PAID freelance writer for a local newspaper.  WHAT?  Yeah, that's right bitches.  :)

In other other news, I'm totally dropping my Principals of Management Class.  Can you say Boring?  For the love of pete people. 

And, this has to be said:  That took far less time than I thought it would.  Just sayin'.  I mean, I hate it in a way...but at the same time, I knew it would happen.  I knew before it started that it was over.  Why don't people listen to me?

And, Happy Valentine's Day y'all.   It's been a good day so far.   

FYYFF.

Down down down and not in a good way.  I am in the mist of my winter blue saga.  I can't decide if it's just the winter, or just the no job, or just the midlife crisis...but boy am I blah to the nth degree.  I am an unmotivated, uninspired bum right now...and I'm hating it.  Just getting from point A to point B in my day is a pain in the ass.

Classes are starting this week, which normally would be good, but our truck broke again...so even tho I'm taking online and night classes so I can work during the day-our truck if effing broke which means Magnum has to come home early so I can get to class.  His boss just told him he had to work more hours or some shit (which is bullshit and it's either work or be laid off and no one can afford to be laid off these days-which means employers can be fucking bullies if they want to).

It's just one of those give up, go to work at McDonalds, fuck school, this is what it is and all it's ever going to be you loser, kinda days.

Is there other news worth reporting?

I made the Dean's List last semester, which means SHIT to me right now.  I got my hair cut and I fucking hate it.  A pipe broke in our heater because we weren't using it and it froze and flooded our living room.  I wish I had taken the job that was offered to me a few weeks ago, because, yes it wasn't enough but it was more than I'm making sitting here typing this fucking blog entry.

Wait...there might be a spark of something to report.  My ex douche bag steroid head drug dealing dickhead husband might have actually decided he was ready to pay child support.  He was supposed to go to court yesterday, pay $1000 down and then agree to pay so much a month.  I'm still getting fucked and not getting anywhere near what he owes, but it's something, right?

Ok, well, I guess that's all of the bitchfest I can muster right now.

Have a mentioned the shirt in the movie The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo?  It said:  Fuck you you fucking fuck.  I love it.  I'd so be wearing that shirt right now if I owned it.

Reorganizing?

I grew up with a hoarder.  I think we've discussed this before?  Anyway, when someone stopped by, we never opened the front door.  If it was someone we knew (which we determined by "peeking" through the curtains), we'd pull back the front curtain, open the little window there, and talk to them through that window.  If it was someone we didn't know, we sat there, quiet, and held our breath until they went away.  It got to the point that when I'd hear a car pull into the driveway I'd panic.  My heart would race and I'd feel like I couldn't breathe and my chest would hurt.  There was no such thing as a panic attack back then.  But I'm sure that's what I was having.  I was 8 the first time I went to the hospital for chest pains due to anxiety.  Of course, back then the doctors had no answers and the called my chest pains, growing pains and sent me on my merry way.  I was also diagnosed with a mitral valve prolaspe at that time.  But that's not the point...

Here's the point...

I still get panicked when a car pulls in our driveway.  If the dog starts barking, I panic.  I also tend to hide when I think someone pulls in.  I never go to the door.  I peek out the window.  Usually it's no one, and if it's someone I don't know, I just pretend I'm not home.  It's not as bad if someone is here with me, but if the dogs start unexpectantly barking-I do still freak out a little.

I find myself wondering if a panic disorder had been diagnosed when I was 8, how different would my life be now?  Would I have done better in school, in life?  Would I be a better person today?  Able to handle the stuff that I avoid as an adult?  Would I be better with money?  Would I be able to face confrontations rather than hiding my head in the sand?

I guess the important thing is that now I realize where some of my "issues" come from.  :)

I've asked my doctor for focus drugs.  I'm not sure if he'll give them to me or not.  Winter is kicking my ass this year.  I truly believe it's not only from lack of sun, but also from lack of snow.

I also blame my childhood for my total addiction to food.  Not the eating it part, but the having it part.  Nothing makes me happier than a freezer, fridge and pantry full of groceries.  

Last semester I wrote a paper about living with a hoarder, and the instructor indicated that that was probably the reason I am so organized now.  (I laughed when she called me organized...but I guess I really am.  I just lack the focus to stay on task.)  

I'm trying to focus.  I'm trying to reorganize my life.  I'm trying to face stuff head on instead of burying my head in the sand.  It isn't easy for someone like me.

I was talking to Magnum the other night, and I told him how lucky he is to not have a mind like mine.  I can't imagine just having the "regular" skills.

My heart palpitates just reading over this entry.  :)

And just as I was about to sign out...I'm watching Big Bang Theory-google it if you live under a rock-and at the end there was this quote, and I like it.

We exist to bear witness.  

We had to be.

The infinite needs us to see it.

Without the perceiver,

the perceived does not exist.

That gives us our leverage.

Don't look until you get what you want.

Forty?

I am freaking out a little because I'm going to be 40, and I'm no where in life.  Seriously it gives me a panic attack.  I cried my head off at Magnum last night...and he was great...said all the right things to make me feel better.  But omg, I'm freaking out a little.

I'm completely lazy these days.  I literally sleep all day and I have no energy and no focus and it's driving me insane.  And I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't want Walter to think I'm nuts.  What do I do go to him and say...Yo, Walt-I sleep all day. Help?  It is winter and I am not getting any sunshine at all.  There's also no snow so it's not even pretty outside...just grey and brown and ugly.  I have no appetite.  I mean, come on.  Who am I if I can't even get excited about food?  I'm blah to the nth degree.

School doesn't start for another few weeks...so I have two weeks or so to just...do what?  I should be organizing and cleaning and preparing...all I have is time.  And, I'm not doing anything.  WTF?

I don't even have a positive note here.   I'm too blah for positive today.  Check back tomorrow.

NewBlog.

So, if you'd like to quit listening to me whine so much and check out my new blog...go here.

So far it looks like it's going to go like this:

Sexy Sunday:  I'll post a sexy pic of a celebrity, or an object I think is sexy...or a line from a book that I think is sexy...you get the idea.

Menu Monday:  I'll post a recipe that sounds yummy to me.  :)

Tarot Tuesday:  I'll post a weekly Tarot Reading for my readers.

Workout Wednesday:  Yes, yes, yes.  I will ad a workout that I will do with ya'll on Wednesdays.  I'm thinking it might be workout in the kitchen sort of thing...or a workout at home doing every day things.  Keep posted to find out.

Thirsty Thursday:  I'll post a drink recipe...sometimes adult drinks, sometimes for everyone.

Friday Findings:  On Friday I'll post a list of little tricks and tips that I've found that work for me that I'd like to share.

Sabatoge Saturday:  I'll sabatoage a local restuarant and then write about the experience.  Just makes sure you tell them I sent you.  I'll also let them know I've written.

You should toddle on over-I'm pretty excited.  The first enter is hubba hubba.  I don't care if you are a straight man, you have to see the beauty in this tasty little morsel.  :)

Thanks guys.  Follow me,,,,,,,

HNY.

Welcome 2012.  Welcome, welcome, welcome.

In with the new and out with the old.

Crazy but true...Skye's girlfriend sent me a message on FB, saying, "We live together now, please stop."  I was like WTF?  And then she said something about my FB status.  Seriously?  So I asked her why she was even looking at my status.  She said she wasn't looking at my status, Skye told her.  Ok, so then why is your girlfriend checking my status or subscribed to my statuses?  It doesn't even matter.  I haven't talked to Skye for over a month, yet her girlfriend is still sending me paranoid leave my gf alone messages?  Really?  Insecure much?  So, needless to say, I blocked her on my fb.  Then I sent Skye a message telling her that I was sorry she thought I missed her because I didn't...or something to that effect.  See ya later.  I do, however, find it funny that she spent the night before Thanksgiving making out with me, and a month later she's living with someone.  :)  Girls move to effing fast for me, that's for sure.  I sincerely hope & wish they'd both just leave me alone.  I'm not after your girl.  Get over it.

In other news...I sent out a few more resumes today.  One of which seems very interesting to me.  Also, did you know that Aldi pays over $11 dollars an hour for cashiers and over $15 for shift managers?  That's crazy.  I mean wow.

I launched my other blog yesterday.  I'll link it here sometime.

Ok, I have to finish my new year cleaning.  Seeya.