I'm kinda sad, and really I don't even know why. 

It's just been a not very fun day.

We went to a bbq, and the owners had 2 dogs.  One of which, ate a bowl of chips off of the table.  In my opinion, from that point on the dog should have been crated or put somewhere where he couldn't get to the food.  But, no.  For the rest of the day, the dog continued to eat food from the tables.  Every chance it got.  And, it didn't care if the food was on a plate in your lap it would jump up and eat your food.  I made a plate, turned to get my drink, and boom, the fucker was eating off of my plate.   And, when I say every chance, I mean, EVERY.  And, so for 5 hours, everyone had to literally fight off the dog.  Put the fucking dog away people.  I mean, come on.  It was a very unpleasant experience. 

And, now, I'm going to bed to dream of a brighter tomorrow.

PS.  I miss Ney.

Overcome.

I'm watching Hoarders. Two things.   It makes me a little nauseous, because I grew up in a house like one on this particular episode.  The woman on the show calls herself a hoarder of trash.  I call her lazy.  I've only talked to a few people about how I grew up, Magnum being one of them.  I tell him, while watching the show, that's how I grew up.  He's always like, O, come on!    But alas, it is true. 

The other thing is, when watching the show, I look around my house and I think, Wow, I aint doing so bad.  :) 

I often wonder when my mother just fell out of life.  How do you let your life & your home get so out of control?  Especially when you have children?  How do you look at your children and let them grow up in such filth?  I used to worry that I'd fall out of life, and end up like her.  I may be like her in some ways, but I'm certainly not like her in this way.  I just wonder if something just caused her to stop living?  Was it one particular incident?   Or was it a gradual thing?  I guess, I'd understand more if she worked, or did anything with her life.  But she didn't even do that.  She pretty much spent her whole life in bed. 

And, I know that no one really chooses to live like that.  I realize that anyone who lives as a hoarder, or a parent who checks out and pretty much spends her whole life in bed, has some sort of issue.  Emotional? Mental?  Psychological?

I guess the point is, I overcame my mother.  An aunt of mine once told me she was proud of me because I overcame my childhood.

:)

Don't get me wrong...I'm still messy.  In some ways, more than others.  As a matter of fact, I think, sometimes, I let things get messy, so I can clean it.  Sort of like a challenge. 

And, that's all I got.  :) 

Getjors.

I love it when people get "theirs". 

For instance, someone who was a client of mine, who never got sick, leaves me to go to a different company, and is now sick all of the time.  I mean, I'm not happy that they are sick, I'm just happy that they were kinda snobby about leaving (like the new place was going to be sooo much better) and pretty much they've been sick ever sense.

Another example is of someone who thinks they are all that.  Loud mouth cocky thinks she's the shit, and in front of a room of hundreds, she gets "told".  You'd think the first time it happened she'd have gotten a clue, but no...she opened her big stupid mouth and got told again.  It was awesome.

And, there was a third example...but it escapes me now.   I'll just comment myself when I remember.  :)

Insurethis.

A while back I mentioned I changed doctors.  The sunshine doctor just wasn't working out for me so much.  So, I called another local doctor's office that a friend recommended.  They were sweet.  I filled out all of the paper work, mailed it in to them well over a month ago.  They got the records from sunshine, and even called me to tell me they had everything and that I could make an appointment whenever needed.

Last week I called and made an appointment.  Yesterday Magnum came home 2 hours early so I could go to my appointment.  I get there, and the woman says they don't take my insurance?

I was calm and friendly and I left. 

But I really wanted to strangle her over hairsprayed head right off of her perky shoulders. 

I'm sure when I filled out the paper work I filled in the insurance info.  Not to even mention, wouldn't that be somewhere in my records from sunshine?

I just think that some time before my appointment, someone could/should/would have realized the insurance issue?

So I'm doctorless again. 

Doesitmatter?

Sometimes it's soooo brilliant to get outside of my own head and try to see things from others perspectives.  :)

A new friend and I were chatting earlier about Magnum and his lies and the new friend, who I'm sure will get a nickname from me eventually, he said "maybe he is (lying). but how much does it matter?" 

Good god.  Simple little things make the absolute most sense to me.  Those few words and I'm like, Wow. 

Caving.

Sigh.

I'm caving, again.

Sometimes I just feel so stupid.

I KNOW what I need to do.  And, someday I will do it.

13

So I recently wrote this.  And yesterday Ute became my 13th follower!  Whoot to Ute!  Go over and check her out!

So, Ute, if you are reading this, YOU WIN A PRIZE! 

Now how the hell do I get it to you?

I guess, to claim your prize, I'll need an address?  You can email here, if you'd like, and I'll get your little prize in the mail, asap.  :) 

Yay!!!

Worthy.

Tons of people go through this sort of thing.  I can and I will be fine.  Better than ever.

There's a huge part of me that hates to hurt people, even if they hurt me first (and multiple times).  I'm sure there's a psychological name for it.  But there's another part that thinks even tho he hasn't and will never admit it, I think he wants me gone.  I really do.  But he will make me feel guilty, and say all of these pathetic poor me things, and my guilt will be huge.

There was, in my inbox this morning, an excuse for the lie.  A pathetic took- all- night- to- think- up answer to the question.  Yesterday he put on this nice big act of "whatareyoutalkingabout?" like he had no idea where the text came from or how the number even got into his phone.

It's obvious he's still in contact with her and lieing about it.  If I'm not worthy enough not to be lied to, then what?

Strength.

I hate the feeling of unrest.  I get to a point where I know I'm leaving...but the unrest inside of me hurts so much that I just want it to go away so I "make up".  I'm just one of those wives who thinks it's easier to look the other way, or that chooses to believe the lies (although we don't ever really believe), so that I don't have to hurt.  I don't want to cry.  I don't want to see him cry.  I don't want to break JDRW's heart.

And, I mean really, the lies are just the cherry on top right?  If I'm being honest.  I'm not happy here.  I want to be happy.  I try to be happy.  But, there's nothing here worth being happy for. 
It just so...drastic.  To move my children and I half way across the country...to start over, again.
 
So, here's hoping for strength.
 
 

Drowning.

Wow. 

I hate fucking running in circles.  I hate not being balanced.  I hate not KNOWING.

I hate that everywhere I turn there's an obstacle.  I hate that just when I start to feel safe, again, the rug gets pulled out from under me.

I hate that my world is so small, and still, I'm drowning in it.

Out.

I really think I have to go.

Help.

Ok so, I need some help here.  Some perspective.  Please offer advice if you have any.

We all know about the Two drama.  Magnum lies about his relationship with her.  Our biggest fights have been over her. 

So, yesterday one of the teenagers sent messages to Magnums phone, and this afternoon, I decide to take a gander at these pics.  And, in his draft folder was a draft message to Two.  There wasn't even a message.  But her number was there.  There's no way it could have gotten there unless he typed it in...or if he was about to reply to something he got from her.

I don't think he's stopped talking to her, I think he just hides it better.

The point is...should I just let it slide?  He gave me this whole song and dance about how he doesn't know her number and about how he didn't contact her and about how he hasn't been in contact with her in anyway.  Even with the number right there in his phone, he still denies it.  I've begged him to just be honest. 

Somehow he always manages to turn it around so that I feel guilty. 

He's denying.  I know I will never get an honest answer out of him about this.

So, what do I do?  Let it be?  Let him lie to me?  What do I do?  I know I've said if he talks to her again, I'd leave him. 

Help me please. 

Flakes.

I think it's hysterical how much I fall for people, only to unfall for them a few months later.  I think I tend to be attracted to people quickly...but then they flake out or I get bored.  Or is flaking out and getting bored the same thing?

My life as of right now isn't very passionate.  I miss it.  (And I don't mean passionate as in love, I just mean I am not currently feeling very passionate about anything, which is kinda unusual for me.)

According to the scale, I've gained 4 pounds.  Which I'm cool with.  What I'm not cool with, is the change in the way my jeans feel.  They are wicked tight around the waste and upper thighs.  WTF?  It just feels odd.  I dunno.

Once again, I'm getting a handle on my finances.  This, as you know, is not an easy thing for me.  But, I am determined.  I just can't stand being so bad with them and then feeling so guilty about it.  I've had this journal laying around that I've never used so today I made it my financial journal where hopefully I can keep track of things. 

My etsy shop now has 15 items.  It's kinda hard to put your stuff out there for everyone to look at and then when it's been weeks and you still haven't sold anything you start to doubt yourself.  I know it'll pick up in time, but still I will be SOOO excited about my first sale.

Go on over & make my day by purchasing something.  I'll give you free shipping if you do.  <3

WordsToLiveBy.

live with intention.
walk to the edge.
listen hard.
practice wellness.
play with abandon.
laugh.
choose with no regret.
continue to learn.
appreciate your friends.
do what you love.
live as if this is all there is.
~mary anne radmacher

ASP

I seriously can not stand Attention Starved People.  Like those who post obscure status's on their facebooks and wait for 2 days while all of their friends are freaking out...only for it to end up being nothing.  Assholes.

In other news...my daughters live with their father.  He is in Florida on "business".  His house burned down on Sunday.  Everyone is ok, but the house is toast.  You think he'd come home now that his children are fucking homeless?  Yeah, nope.  He's staying down in Florida because his girlfriend is going down there to visit him and he doesn't want to ruin the vacation they've had planned for over a year now.  WTF?  Are You Serious?  Oh, and also, the girlfriend is getting butt implants.  Isn't that a fucking riot?

I'm going to whine again...ready?  I'm cold.  COLD.  Freezing.  Frozen.  It's 60 degrees.  In June. I'm cold.

Friends.

I had (yet another) epiphany today!  I've always had boy friends.  My whole life, my best friends have been boys.  I've been attracted to females, and friends with boys.  Is that weird?

So, now, I'm trying to be friends with girls, and seriously, that's hard for me.  Because either I can't stand them, or I want to do naughty things to them.  :) 

What started this thought process was that Magnum has a pretty full dance card as of late.  And I don't.  And I'm sooooo ok with that.  But, I was thinking, wouldn't it be cool to have a friend I could just call up and be like, HEY, Road Trip?  Except, I don't have that kinda friend.  (And, to be honest, the first person that came to mind was Two.  It would be fun, no doubt about it.  But, there's also no doubt that it would end with some kinda drama.  She'd end up not feeling well, or there'd be some emergency at home...or countless other things that seem to always somehow happen to her.  If I could win a million dollars by predicting that she'd get sick or some how make the trip revolve around her, I'd be a millionaire.)  Anyway, that's not the point...the point is...when I started thinking, I realized, I can think of a few men who I could easily go on a road trip with and have a blast.  But not women.  Is that weird?

I think there's just a simplicity to men.  I don't mean to say they are stupid.  I just mean they are less drama-ful.  :)  There's a comfort there.  A feeling of security maybe?  I dunno.

I've said to Magnum a thousand times, I'd rather be his girlfriend then his wife.  And that makes complete sense.  Being his girlfriend is AWESOME.  Being his wife, eh.   (Or maybe it's not being HIS wife, maybe it's just that I hate being a wife.)

So, what does that mean? 

Holy crap.  Maybe I really am a lesbian?

Fixed.

If Magnum weren't "fixed" I'd think I might be pregnant.  (Which I would be OUTRAGEOUSLY happy about.)  But these past couple weeks I've been wicked emotional, and kinda nauseous, and my lower back hurts like crazy, and I've gained 5 pounds.    I mean, for fucks sake, I cried at a Father's Day Commercial today.  Midlife crisis?  Menopause?  Who the hell knows? 

StepRightUp!

So, thanks to JenO, I now have 12 followers!  Whoot!  So, here's the deal...if you refer someone to my blog, and they follow and they tell me you sent them, I will send you BOTH a prize!  And it will be a cool prize! 

If you just happened upon my blog, and you follow me, you too, will get a prize.

But, if you are the 13th, 21st, and 30th follower, you will get the best prizes of all!!!!! 

Seriously.  Follow me.  Win stuff.  Can it get better than that?

Scrambled.

I was informed last night that turkeys don't winter well and that we'd have to do a major overhaul to our maple boiling shed to keep them through the winter. 

I cried.  Seriously.  I can not have turkeys that I've raised from teeny little poults, be our dinner one day.  I can't do it.  I don't even want them now, but we've already bought them.  I just won't be friendly with them.  If Magnum wants to eat them, then he can take care of them.  Fuck.

I was so excited about the prospect of pet turkeys.  Tis how things go for me tho...I shouldn't be surprised.

OAnd.

I'm sad.  I was headed here to write about feeling sad, and got off on the Fenton tangent. 

Sadface. 

DatingFenton.

Signs.  We all know I believe in them.  So here's the thing.  I have a friend who I've nicknamed Fenton.  In the past week I've seen a bajillion Fenton references.  Today, it was a random email from a man named Fenton.  Then, I've been researching antiques and one of the glass companies is called Fenton.  And in the article about Fenton glass was a link that said "dating Fenton".  And, just now, and what prompted my writing of this blog, I was reading a story that I just happened to click on and the person's last name was Fenton.  WTF?  Just synchronicity?  Or something more?  Hmmmm???  Fine, I'm waiting for one more sign before I take any action.  Srsly.

Hate.

Top 10 Things I Hate:
1)  I hate that I have lived in NY for 6 years and have yet to see the city...despite my many attempts and requests.
2)  I hate that I picked up and moved across the country to be with the man I love, and now I hate it that I don't get to live near family.
3)  I hate it that we live here, where my husband grew up, but we never see his family.  I mean, we see his brother once every couple weeks, we see his daughter about once a year, and we see everyone else if someone dies. 
4)  I hate it that I can not grow a garden here to save my fucking life because it's too damn cold.
5)  I hate it that I don't have the screen door I've always dreamed about.
6)  I hate it that we need a new roof and I am always trying to see the positive and offer solutions, and NO ONE else is.
7)  I hate that I see the potential in everything, but no one else does, so I get shot down or ignored.
8)  I hate that I am so horrible with money.
9)  I hate that I have never had a massage.
10)I hate this list.

Squishy.

Yesterday I got up early, and it ended up being a pretty good day.  :)  I was in a totally productive and creative mood.  Twas good.

This morning, I woke up later, was exhausted, and ended up taking a two hour nap.  And, have only managed to produce hot chocolate.  And pasta with turkey...which was my breakfast.  (I have to eat all of the turkey now, before the new babies arrive...because I won't be able to eat turkey after I raise those precious babies.)

So, anyway, during my nap I dreamed about a girl I met online a few months ago.  I've never met her in person.  She lives far far away.  I think I talk about her a lot to Magnum, oddly enough.  Anyway, I dreamed about her.  And, it was such a content cozy dream.  I woke up all cozy and snuggly. 

Now I'm having girl withdrawals.  I think this is the longest I've gone in a long time without having a girlfriend.  It's been over a year.  But, to be perfectly honest, it's not so much of a sexual thing...it's more of a cozy thing.  A snuggly thing.  :)  A soft squishy thing.

And, it would be nice to have a snuggle right now...since it's only 8 degrees above freezing...in JUNE.  Grrr.

Help!

So, as you know I'm a huge Roller Derby fan...and at the last bout one of the girls was injured.  Please check out their Facebook and help them out if you can!  Thanks!

Summer.

Do I need to put the warming blanket back on my bed?  I mean, really?  It's like 40 degrees.  I am frozen.  My whole body is shaking.  Time to pull the sweatshirts back outta the closet. 

It was a nice summer tho, wasn't it?

Whowhowho?

So, I just discovered that today someone came to my blog and then looked at all of my friends blogs.  At first I thought my friends' were just very active and there were a lot of them reading...but then, I realized that that wasn't the case.  :)   Whoever it was looked at all of my followers blogs.   Kinda interesting.  Was it YOU?

Pets.

We are getting 4 new pets soon!  :)  Turkeys.  Yes, I said turkeys.  I am so excited.  Magnum says you raise them for eatin'...but I think I won't be letting anyone eat my turkeys!  I haven't even seen them yet...but I already named one Penelope.  Hehehe.  I also like the name Glory.  

And, these turkeys are all Magnum's idea...and if we have a pen for turkeys, I don't see any reason why we can't also have chickens and roosters and guinea hens!  I'm soooo excited!

We have electronic collars for the dogs...I think it would be fun to get them for the turkeys too!  :)  Hahaha.

Better.

If we could all just remember to treat other's the way we want to be treated, the world would be a better place. 

Today.

Today is a bad day and I don't even know why.  I hate waking up and feeling so...down. 

There's just too much.

Zero.

I have zero energy today.  I think it's just because I'm emotionally overwhelmed. 

JustDoIt.

Make it easy.  I need some divine intervention to help me.  I keep going back and forth back and forth and I need to make a decision and I can't. 

Or can I?  But I just don't want to?  I don't want the responsibility.  I know, I need to grow up and do what needs to be done. 

Blah.

Hope.

Hope.

I've always wanted to be self employed.  I've always wanted to work from home.  And, I am on the cusp of doing just that. 

It's excited, and frustrating.  But I think, in the end it will be well worth it.

In other news...

I actually talked to Magnum yesterday about how I want us to be more like a family and that I try really hard to keep us all together but it feels like I'm being pulled apart.  It was rough to talk to him at first...but it smoothed out a bit.

I have hope.  And for now that'll work.

Sabatoge.

Why do we sabatoge our lives?  Why do people do things they KNOW aren't good?  Why do I always feel like I'm swimming upstream, instead of just going with the flow?  Why can't these ritz crackres sitting next to me be a box of krispy kremes so I can sabatoge some more things in my life?

Blah blah blah.  Yes, this is me complaining some more.

Seriously, it's my midlife crisis.  I completely wigged out the other day because I'm going to be 40 in 2 years and I'm no where but here.  And I need help to get from here to somewhere but I feel like it's me against the world with no one to help me through.

Cheerios.

I need to be able to eat Cheerios when my belly aches.  I need to stop letting other people dictate whether I eat cherrios or not.  I need to not care if someone has a big old fucking anti cheerio attifuckingtude all of the goddamn time.