FYYFF.

Down down down and not in a good way.  I am in the mist of my winter blue saga.  I can't decide if it's just the winter, or just the no job, or just the midlife crisis...but boy am I blah to the nth degree.  I am an unmotivated, uninspired bum right now...and I'm hating it.  Just getting from point A to point B in my day is a pain in the ass.

Classes are starting this week, which normally would be good, but our truck broke again...so even tho I'm taking online and night classes so I can work during the day-our truck if effing broke which means Magnum has to come home early so I can get to class.  His boss just told him he had to work more hours or some shit (which is bullshit and it's either work or be laid off and no one can afford to be laid off these days-which means employers can be fucking bullies if they want to).

It's just one of those give up, go to work at McDonalds, fuck school, this is what it is and all it's ever going to be you loser, kinda days.

Is there other news worth reporting?

I made the Dean's List last semester, which means SHIT to me right now.  I got my hair cut and I fucking hate it.  A pipe broke in our heater because we weren't using it and it froze and flooded our living room.  I wish I had taken the job that was offered to me a few weeks ago, because, yes it wasn't enough but it was more than I'm making sitting here typing this fucking blog entry.

Wait...there might be a spark of something to report.  My ex douche bag steroid head drug dealing dickhead husband might have actually decided he was ready to pay child support.  He was supposed to go to court yesterday, pay $1000 down and then agree to pay so much a month.  I'm still getting fucked and not getting anywhere near what he owes, but it's something, right?

Ok, well, I guess that's all of the bitchfest I can muster right now.

Have a mentioned the shirt in the movie The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo?  It said:  Fuck you you fucking fuck.  I love it.  I'd so be wearing that shirt right now if I owned it.

Reorganizing?

I grew up with a hoarder.  I think we've discussed this before?  Anyway, when someone stopped by, we never opened the front door.  If it was someone we knew (which we determined by "peeking" through the curtains), we'd pull back the front curtain, open the little window there, and talk to them through that window.  If it was someone we didn't know, we sat there, quiet, and held our breath until they went away.  It got to the point that when I'd hear a car pull into the driveway I'd panic.  My heart would race and I'd feel like I couldn't breathe and my chest would hurt.  There was no such thing as a panic attack back then.  But I'm sure that's what I was having.  I was 8 the first time I went to the hospital for chest pains due to anxiety.  Of course, back then the doctors had no answers and the called my chest pains, growing pains and sent me on my merry way.  I was also diagnosed with a mitral valve prolaspe at that time.  But that's not the point...

Here's the point...

I still get panicked when a car pulls in our driveway.  If the dog starts barking, I panic.  I also tend to hide when I think someone pulls in.  I never go to the door.  I peek out the window.  Usually it's no one, and if it's someone I don't know, I just pretend I'm not home.  It's not as bad if someone is here with me, but if the dogs start unexpectantly barking-I do still freak out a little.

I find myself wondering if a panic disorder had been diagnosed when I was 8, how different would my life be now?  Would I have done better in school, in life?  Would I be a better person today?  Able to handle the stuff that I avoid as an adult?  Would I be better with money?  Would I be able to face confrontations rather than hiding my head in the sand?

I guess the important thing is that now I realize where some of my "issues" come from.  :)

I've asked my doctor for focus drugs.  I'm not sure if he'll give them to me or not.  Winter is kicking my ass this year.  I truly believe it's not only from lack of sun, but also from lack of snow.

I also blame my childhood for my total addiction to food.  Not the eating it part, but the having it part.  Nothing makes me happier than a freezer, fridge and pantry full of groceries.  

Last semester I wrote a paper about living with a hoarder, and the instructor indicated that that was probably the reason I am so organized now.  (I laughed when she called me organized...but I guess I really am.  I just lack the focus to stay on task.)  

I'm trying to focus.  I'm trying to reorganize my life.  I'm trying to face stuff head on instead of burying my head in the sand.  It isn't easy for someone like me.

I was talking to Magnum the other night, and I told him how lucky he is to not have a mind like mine.  I can't imagine just having the "regular" skills.

My heart palpitates just reading over this entry.  :)

And just as I was about to sign out...I'm watching Big Bang Theory-google it if you live under a rock-and at the end there was this quote, and I like it.

We exist to bear witness.  

We had to be.

The infinite needs us to see it.

Without the perceiver,

the perceived does not exist.

That gives us our leverage.

Don't look until you get what you want.

Forty?

I am freaking out a little because I'm going to be 40, and I'm no where in life.  Seriously it gives me a panic attack.  I cried my head off at Magnum last night...and he was great...said all the right things to make me feel better.  But omg, I'm freaking out a little.

I'm completely lazy these days.  I literally sleep all day and I have no energy and no focus and it's driving me insane.  And I just don't know what to do about it.  I don't want Walter to think I'm nuts.  What do I do go to him and say...Yo, Walt-I sleep all day. Help?  It is winter and I am not getting any sunshine at all.  There's also no snow so it's not even pretty outside...just grey and brown and ugly.  I have no appetite.  I mean, come on.  Who am I if I can't even get excited about food?  I'm blah to the nth degree.

School doesn't start for another few weeks...so I have two weeks or so to just...do what?  I should be organizing and cleaning and preparing...all I have is time.  And, I'm not doing anything.  WTF?

I don't even have a positive note here.   I'm too blah for positive today.  Check back tomorrow.

NewBlog.

So, if you'd like to quit listening to me whine so much and check out my new blog...go here.

So far it looks like it's going to go like this:

Sexy Sunday:  I'll post a sexy pic of a celebrity, or an object I think is sexy...or a line from a book that I think is sexy...you get the idea.

Menu Monday:  I'll post a recipe that sounds yummy to me.  :)

Tarot Tuesday:  I'll post a weekly Tarot Reading for my readers.

Workout Wednesday:  Yes, yes, yes.  I will ad a workout that I will do with ya'll on Wednesdays.  I'm thinking it might be workout in the kitchen sort of thing...or a workout at home doing every day things.  Keep posted to find out.

Thirsty Thursday:  I'll post a drink recipe...sometimes adult drinks, sometimes for everyone.

Friday Findings:  On Friday I'll post a list of little tricks and tips that I've found that work for me that I'd like to share.

Sabatoge Saturday:  I'll sabatoage a local restuarant and then write about the experience.  Just makes sure you tell them I sent you.  I'll also let them know I've written.

You should toddle on over-I'm pretty excited.  The first enter is hubba hubba.  I don't care if you are a straight man, you have to see the beauty in this tasty little morsel.  :)

Thanks guys.  Follow me,,,,,,,

HNY.

Welcome 2012.  Welcome, welcome, welcome.

In with the new and out with the old.

Crazy but true...Skye's girlfriend sent me a message on FB, saying, "We live together now, please stop."  I was like WTF?  And then she said something about my FB status.  Seriously?  So I asked her why she was even looking at my status.  She said she wasn't looking at my status, Skye told her.  Ok, so then why is your girlfriend checking my status or subscribed to my statuses?  It doesn't even matter.  I haven't talked to Skye for over a month, yet her girlfriend is still sending me paranoid leave my gf alone messages?  Really?  Insecure much?  So, needless to say, I blocked her on my fb.  Then I sent Skye a message telling her that I was sorry she thought I missed her because I didn't...or something to that effect.  See ya later.  I do, however, find it funny that she spent the night before Thanksgiving making out with me, and a month later she's living with someone.  :)  Girls move to effing fast for me, that's for sure.  I sincerely hope & wish they'd both just leave me alone.  I'm not after your girl.  Get over it.

In other news...I sent out a few more resumes today.  One of which seems very interesting to me.  Also, did you know that Aldi pays over $11 dollars an hour for cashiers and over $15 for shift managers?  That's crazy.  I mean wow.

I launched my other blog yesterday.  I'll link it here sometime.

Ok, I have to finish my new year cleaning.  Seeya.