Me.

There's a description in Jennifer Weiner's new book that I love. 

"big-breasted, heavy-hipped" 

Haha.  That's me!  :)

Opportunity.

First, this has to be said...this is my 500th post.  I'm kinda proud of that.  I don't stick with things.  I get bored.  But, whatdyaknow?  I like writing.  Mostly about myself.  I've stuck with it.  500 times.  :)  Yay for me.

And, in this 500th post, I have exciting news.  :)  An opportunity has presented itself to me.  And, I am sooooo damn excited. 

We all know I love the power of positive thought.  I don't always USE the power, but I fully believe it is there.  And I believe that if your heart is true and your mind is in the right place, you'll find the answers.  (I think it's my own little form of Taoism?) 

I've been struggling.  Literally struggling...losing sleep...over what to do with my life.  I go round and round.  A few months back, I thought I'd decided.  And, then I changed.  Laddddyyy laddyyyy lah. 

So, the point is, out of the blue, I get a call from someone today, making me an offer.  I.  AM.  EXCITED.

It's WAY out of my comfort zone.  It's not something I have EVER done before.  I'm a lil nervous, but so very excited.

My last post was about how I wanted to Quit, and how I can't.  Then I get this new opportunity today...it's just so...so...what's the word????    Is it sychronicity??  

Quit.

I want to quit.  OMG, I want to quit.

I emailed my client...the one who never pays on time but asks for tons of extra's all of the time...to mention that today was pay day.  I don't like to sound mean...so I write this:  "I guess there's no chance you could pay me today?"  She writes back:  "None."  Isn't that lovely?

I know, there are those who would say that I approached it the wrong way...but I've tried the other ways.  "You need to pay me today."  "Don't forget today is pay day."  "I really need you to pay me tonight."  "Are you going to be able to pay me today?" 

None of it matters.  She pays me on Saturdays...not Fridays.  And usually I have to hunt her down on Saturday.  Or, if I don't hunt her down, she'll pay me on Monday.  I suppose this is an improvement, considering I've had to wait until Wednesday or Thursday on a few occasions.

She isn't a good client.  I need to kick her to the curb.  But right now, I'm not in a position to do that.  And, so I have to put up with her shit.  It. Sucks. Dick.  And not a good dick.  Fat sweaty ass smelling dick.

Ew.  Sorry.

:)

But, I mean, COME ON.

I just did a quick little addition and subtraction and I can't afford to quit.  I want to.  But I really can't.  I guess I could...but we would be sooooo tight on money...we wouldn't be able to breathe.

Holy Fuck.  My head is indeed going to explode.

Tired.

This is how I feel today:

Spend all your time waiting



for that second chance


for a break that would make it okay


there's always one reason


to feel not good enough


and it's hard at the end of the day


I need some distraction

(For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past 20 years, those are lyrics from Sarah McLachlan.)

Swallow?

My throat hurts.  It burns to swallow, or eat, or drink, or breathe.  Actually swallowing food helps a lil because it scrapes along my throat and scratches an itch I don't even know I've got until it gets scratched.  But just laying here...my throat is burning.  I looked at my tonsils earlier, and on the left side, the side that hurts the most...there's a white spot. 

The sucky part is, when I'm sick, I pretty much have to deal.  I'm still expected to work.  I'm still expected to be a mom.  I'm still expected to be a wife.  A cook, a maid, a chauffer, nice. 

I get these often, these white spots on my tonsils.  I want to google what it could be, but you know the pictures are going to make me gag.  And gagging + sore throat can only = serious ouch.  I guess if it's not better by Monday, I'll have to go see Walter.  Poor poor pitiful me. 

This particular sore throat happened right after I left my dentist office.  Is there a coorelation?

Speaking of the dentist...I think I've finally got it right this time.  I love the way the dentist talks to me.  He doesn't make me feel like an idiot.  I mean, let's face it, my mother sucked.  And, dental hygiene wasn't at the top of her priority list.  (What was at the top of her list?  I guess that's a whole different blog to consider...and probably for a room of therapists to ponder.)  Anyway...the new dentist doesn't scare me.  And, that is awesome.  I've never been so calm in a dentists chair before. 

Dammit, my throat really hurts.  Dammitdammitdammit.

Blogroll.

So, I'm going to do the blog for a month thing in September.  To get me in the mood, I thought I'd answer writing prompts in short answer form, for August from NaBloPoMo.  Fun.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


What do you know about the day you were born?
 It was February 27th, 1972.  I was born at Memorial Hospital.  My parent's and my great aunt and uncle lived in duplex.  They all went to the hospital.



Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What do you do to make yourself fall asleep? 
I count.  Sometimes I just count...but sometimes I get bored so I count sheep.  And my sheep are sooooo awesome.  They are the coolest colors.  Magenta, Lime Green, Black, Torquise, Orange, Golden Yellow.  Like this but colored. 

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

What's your idea of perfect happiness?
Being Content.  Warmth, family, coziness, dark red, homemade soup, fire in the fireplace.  No worries about money or bills.  Health.


Monday, August 23, 2010

Do you have a nickname? How'd you get it?
My dad used to call me Sis.  My brother's still do.  My great grandma used to call me EvaRee.


Friday, August 20, 2010

What's the one sport you're most capable of playing for 30 minutes?
Bowling.


Thursday, August 19, 2010

What do you collect?

Ladles is my newest of the things I collect.






Wednesday, August 18, 2010

If a movie studio just bought the rights to a screenplay of your life, what would it be called, and who would play you?

Overcoming My Life?  Evangaline Lily








Tuesday, August 17, 2010

What's one thing that always makes you laugh, no matter what?
My brother.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Tell us about a memorable car trip you took as a kid.
Camping where we met this other family and there was a boy with a big birthmark on his belly that I took a liking to...and I'm pretty sure my Aunt totally "did" the kids father.  I don't remember the kids name, but I remember the brother was named Roland because we kept singing Rollin' Rollin' Rollin on the river.  I almost drown at a waterslide that year too.


Friday, August 13, 2010

What's one superstition you still sort of maybe believe in, just a little bit?

I eat black eyed peas every New Year's Day for good fortune in the new year.






Thursday, August 12, 2010

You have to give away all your shoes except for one pair. Which ones do you keep?
I'd have to keep my sneakers...they are versatile.


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Who's the oldest person you know?
Personally?  Probably my grandma...she's like 215 or something.



Tuesday, August 10, 2010

If you had to take ten people to the moon to start a new civilization, who would you pick?
Mmmm...what a good question.  My first reaction was Magnum, of course.  He can't make babies anymore...but he's very very handy.  So, yeah, him.  I'll have to think on this one.  (And, I'll take my kids, but they won't be in the list.)

1.  Magnum.
2.  Greg (Magnum's friend from way back...he and Magnum get along well and he's intelligent).

Wow, really a lot of thought is going into this...a lot more than I plan to...

Is this the same as, who would you want to be locked in a basement with during a natural disaster because that might change my answers.

Who the fuck could hold my interest on the moon???

3.  Walter.
4.  Ney.  She can still have babies.
5.  Someone to impregnate Ney.  Um....Nathan Kress.  I don't know him personally, but he's Freddy on ICarly.  Is that wrong?
6.  Skye.  I didn't want to say her, but dammit, if I'm on the moon...I may as well have her.  :)

Ok, I will have to update this with "comments" as I come up with 7, 8, 9, 10.




Monday, August 9, 2010

Have you ever turned anyone you didn't like at first into a friend? How did you do it?
Yeah, but now I hate her again.  And, I'm sure it's happened more than once.  Usually if they get past my hard bitchy exterior, they'll stay my friend.  :)

Official.

So, I've gone back and forth, back and forth, on what the next step is in my life...and I have decided.  Keep doing what I'm doing, and go to school.

This sounds like any ol' other "idea" I've had, but this time, I'm gonna make what I'm doing "official".  It's a pain in the ass...but I need to do it.  It makes sense...but it is a lot of work.  But, by going official, it will mean more opportunities & a better income which will provide a better life for my family.  So, I'm gonna do it.  It makes me nervous, but I know I can do it. 

This also means, I'm gonna make this blog private.  Not that it's a problem really...but I just don't want my clients to stumble upon my blog about my private life.  I mean, I try to remain anonymous...but we all know that one can never truly remain anonymous...if someone wants the dirt, they'll find it.  (Not that there's "dirt" really...but you know what I mean.)

So, hopefully, soon, I'll be all official and stuff. (I'm having problems spelling official....must spell check.)

O, and Teenager 1 wants to be home schooled.  I can do that...right?

WOTD:  Official    (in the adjective form).

Homesick.

I do not love NY.  We've all seen the T-Shirts, I love NY.  Well, I will not be sporting one of those shirts anytime soon.  People in NY are just so mean.  (I know I'm generalizing...and perhaps you aren't one of those people.)  But, the sense here in NY is that everyone is out for themselves.  They want to be better than you.  Need to be better than you.  Don't give a shit about anyone except themselves.  Where I come from, if you see someone in need, you help.  Here, you see someone in need and the response is usually something along the lines of "well, how'd they get into that situation to begin with?"  Or, "well, if they need food why don't they go out and find a job?"  And so forth.  Fuck me people, what the hell is wrong with you?  Or, that short lady at the grocery store can't reach the canister of cocoa on the top shelf...how many New Yorker's do you think will walk right by without helping???   Flat tire?  Where I come from, you stop & check on the people and help if they need help.  In NY, "someone will help them I'm sure they have a cell phone". 

And, you know what, it's HARD not to be like them.  It's hard to stay upbeat when people are such jerks.  It wears a person out.  Everyone is just out for themselves. 

I can envision NY people reading this blog and saying "Well, if it's so much better where you come from then maybe you should go back there." 

I wish I could. 

But maybe New Yorker's could just try for about half a second to be nice?  What?  What's that?  Offer help.  Be nice.  Keep your dirty looks to yourself.  Shut your mouth. 

I want to be nice.  But, how do you be nice to people who are such asses?

I miss home.  I really really miss home.  Don't get me wrong, those people drive me nuts too...but in a kinder, gentler way.  They are annoying for sure.   And you know what, they don't have much.  But, what they do have, they would gladly share with anyone in need. 

Where I come from, you can stop by anyone's house at any time and you are welcomed.  You don't have to call ahead, or schedule a visit 4 months in advance.  You just show up.  And, if it's dinner time, you'll eat.  They'll insist.  Even if they barely have enough for their family, they will insist that you too, have some supper. 

I keep thinking, that if I keep a positive attitude, somehow, I'll get back there.  I don't want to go back because of negative circumstances.  I want to go back because life has afforded me an opportunity to do so. 

Today is just one of those days when I miss family.  I miss my mother.  (No, I am not pregnant or dieing.)  I miss my brother's and cousins and aunts and uncles.  And, my grandma who won't be around much longer.  I miss them so much. 

Why can't it just be easy?  Just once, why can't I have it easy?

WOTD:  Homesickness

Blog.

Blogging for me, started out just being a place to write (because I love reading my own writing and am frequently found laughing out loud at my own stuff) and to vent (I've done more venting than anything I suppose...blah blah blahdy blah.) 

But today, I realized, it's a lot more than that.  For instance, I've learned from blogging that a lot is spelled a lot, not alot.  Because I read this.  I will never again wonder or have to ask if it's alot or a lot.  However, I will often times use alot instead of a lot, just because I can!  And, today the lady who checked me out at the market was named Ute, which made me think of my fellow blogger.  And on the drive home, in this rainy fall weather, I paid attention to the world around me.  I looked up.  I checked for signs of autumn.  And for that, I can thank her.  Her blog about autumness gave me a warm and cozy feeling.  Sometimes, I read blogs of those I follow, or of those who follow me.  Sometimes I just click through random blogs.  I've learned a lot about a lot (and Alot) through blogging.  I've read through a battle with cancer here.  And this blog and her photography and the simplicity of it, are simply amazing.  And, this one of my favorite blogs to read, because she's just real.  And, of course there's my favorite author's blog.  She's so stinking funny!  And she was one of the first blogs that I ever read.  :)

I love being able to peek into other people's lives & minds.  It's an exploration, a journey, and a learning experience. 

Much love to them all...in their own crazy way they keep me sane.  Most days.

WOTD:  Blog.

Putrid.

The completely putrid smell coming in my bedroom window, from my basement, somehow excites me.  It means that my washer & corresponding pipes are getting fixed.  Exxxxciiiittttiiiinnnnggggg.

WOTD:  Putrid.

WOTD.

So, here's my new thing.  A word of the day.  I might not actually get to post a word of the day every day...but every day I do post, there will be a word of the day linked. 

Today's word?  Bigot.  And for today, I'm going to give you a few words that I think of when I hear the word bigot.  Hypocrite (or hypocrisy).  Ignorance. So, why these words?  Because I am rather bothered by self-professed "christians" who act like ignoratant hypocritical bigots.  :)  Or is it an act?  I'm not a christian.  I'm not even sure if I believe in god.  However, I am not uneducated in christianity.  I know a few things.  And, it irks me, to hear "christians" talk about how they HATE something.  Other people, other religions, other countries.  They protest.  They run their mouths about shit they have no idea about.  It's rampant ignorance.  I know a few "christians" who don't like Obama.  So be it.  There's always gonna be those who think they know better and they know what he should and shouldn't do.  Blah.  But, the reason these "christians" don't like Obama, isn't because of his politics.  Or even his religious background (although it is pure blasphemy, I'm sure).  But because of the color of his skin.  Really Christians?  Really?

Don't misunderstand.  I appreciate religion.  I even admire those who find faith in something so seemingly obscure. 

What I don't care for are those people who preach preach preach about The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost but act like complete blathering idiots about stuff they have no idea about. 

And, now that I've blathered on about religion, I have popped a contact and must go rinse and reinsert.  :)

Focus.

I need to focus (shut up New Girl) on what is important.  I'm all scattered about right now...and I need to focus on what I need & want to accomplish.  I need to set realistic goals.  My mind is running in a million different directions and I need to be grounded...centered...unfuckedup.

A list?  Sure.

Things I need to get into focus:

1.  School.  I am in line to get into Suny Plattsburgh in the Spring.  However, I am now trying to take a few classes at Schenectady, because the guys over at PBurgh recommended I do so.
2.   Teenager 2-School & Job.
3.  Teenager 1-Car.
4.  Get ORGANIZED!  Every where I look there's clutter.  Everywhere....it's driving me insane.

NFC.

I'm too old to start over.  And even if I don't really believe that...the plain and simple truth of the matter is, I don't want to start over.  Because GODDAMMIT....I just don't want to.

Yeah yeah.  I'm here again.  At this point I get to every couple of weeks.  And then I write it all out and my stupid fucking positive glass half full ass, works it all out and it's sunshine & fucking pretty little blue birds again.  Until, the next time.

Grrrr.

So, here's the story...I know...I know...pathetic huh?  Wait...I haven't even told you the story.  But I'll bet anything, any one of you can guess??  Right?

For future reference Two will be referred to as NFC.  (And for those of you who can't read my mind, that's short for Nasty Fucking Cunt.  Yes.  I said it.  So, what?  She is what she is.)

I'm soooo not going to go into it...but something happened and it just brought all of the NFC shit to the surface.  It's like ripping out the stitches before the hole heals. 

And Magnum, is crabbier than fucking ever.  I just...can not stand it. 

I fantasize about leaving him.  About having my own place.  About moving back to where I came from. 

And, then reality comes a knockin'.  Where am I gonna go?  Is it really that bad?  If you talk to him, maybe he'll realize he's a crabby motherfucking dick and he'll be nicer?  Maybe NFC will get hit by a truck, because I swear to GOD that's all that will ever keep those two apart.  I'm sure as fuck not managing to do it.  Maybe I'm just being unreasonable or overly sensitive.

And, of course, I start thinking well I'll just get me a lil something to occupy my time.  But, I don't want that either. 

I don't want to feel like this anymore.

And, I'd give ANYTHING for one hour alone with NFC's naive little husband. 

Exactly.

People keep pulling me in a thousand different directions and making me feel guilty when I can't do whatever they want whenever they want...and what the fuck do they do for me? 

Exactly.

Gobble.

So, I have turkeys.  We know this, but in case you don't...

Magnum told me his brother (whom I have a huge crush on-not that that's relevant?) was getting turkeys & did we want some?  So I'm all excited because we are getting pets.  Magnum & I had a different idea of what the turkeys would be used for.  I thought pets, he thought food, I cried.  Seriously.  Cried hard.  Over fucking baby turkeys (called poults when they are wee ones, btw).  So, after much crying we aren't going to eat turkeys.  His brother will eat his.  And guess who's house we go to for Thanksgiving every year?  And guess who's bringing pizza or something to eat to thanksgiving this year.

Anyway...the whole point is...my turkeys have personality.  For real.  We named them all before we knew who were boys or who were girls. 

There's Penelope...Penny for short.  She's a he.  :)  Anyway, he's the big one of the group...the bad ass.  The dogs come after them, and Penny puffs up and her whole head turns bright read and she does this spitting kinda noise.  It's a pretty awesome display.  AND, she loves the color green.  I know there are those who think I'm crazy (so tomorrow I'm going to make a video of it)...but if you hold up two things in front of Penny, one any color and one green, she will always pick the green.  Magnum used to wear a green bracelet...Penny always pecked at it.  Yesterday she pecked it right off of his arm and tried to swallow it.  Today, Teenager 1 made a card and brought it outside to show me...and it had a green ribbon on it...Penny about took her arm off.

Then there's Gus.  Gus is the smallest and he's a she.  She's the escape artist.  Every morning, she is out of their enclosure.  It's so funny.  I'll go out into their room, and I'll look over the little dividing wall...and I'll see 3 of them and out of the corner of my eye I'll see movement and somewhere in the room Gus will be perched.  :)

Then we have Grady.  He's a he,  and he is soooo damn funny to me because is a chicken.  And, not so smart (even by turkey standards).  He gets lost from the rest of them.  And there's a call they do when they get lost.  And when we hear a turkey making that call we know it's Grady.  Plus, sometimes, they get up on the enclosed porch, where they aren't supposed to be...and the others all figure out how to get out, but not Grady.  He'll just stand there and make the call until someone shows him how to get out.  And on more than one occasion he's climbed into the dog kennell, and can't figure out how to get out.  Today, when I was letting them outside, he couldn't figure out how to go out the door of the room.  Oh, and there was a confrontation between them and the dogs today...and we went out and noticed that Penny was a little roughed up from wrestling with the dog...and there were only 3 turkeys.  15 minutes later we find the missing Grady...hiding in the bushes clear across the yard.  I didn't see it happen but I can imagine the dog comes over, Penny & the dog start to "argue" and Grady sees this and he's like FUCK this I'm outta here.  (And, if you don't know...turkeys can RUN!)

And, finally, there's Glory.  She's a she.  She's the gentle one.  She's just kinda there.  She hasn't shown any crazy character traits yet...but I'm sure she will.

So, which one would you eat???  I mean, yes, in a survival situation I could nom nom nom on any one of them.  But, I mean, I could not eat any of them...I love them.  :)

ElCamiNOOOOO.

So, Ute, check this out.  :)

Miss.

Craving.

I've been dreaming about men.  It is good.  I mean, maybe it's not good that I'm dreaming about men, but the dreams are quite yummy.  And of course, it makes me miss men.  Magnum mentioned today that Lexi just doesn't give up.  And he was standing there in jeans and a white t-shirt and he looked so hot...and I thought, if I had him on the line I'd yank & reel & yank & reel until I had him.  (Because, if he wasn't my husband, I'd totally be gaga over him...does that even make sense?)  I told him to tell Lexi that maybe she's using the wrong bait.

I guess I just miss that wanted/wanting stage. 

Plus, I'm totally craving Skye right now.  Hubba.

Pledge.

Ok, so, here I go again with a new "effort"...a pledge of sorts...a list of things I'm going to try to accomplish over the next 4 months. 

1.  I'm gonna be nicer to women.  (Hehe, not like that!)  Women are just kinda cunty in general.  We all want the gossip on each other, and we all want to be better than the other, and I'd really like to see more support within this area of my life.  (WTF is wrong with me?  I'm fucking getting old, huh?)  But for real, I'm going to try to be more supportive and understanding of women in my life & in general.  I used to say "If I don't want to fuck 'em, I hate 'em."  Not anymore by gosh! 
2.  I just want to be nicer in general.  I go through these phases where I'm just negative all of the time.  I blame it on the company I'm currently keeping because he's a fucking miserable crabass all of the fucking time and it's gotten to the point where I'm about this - close to telling him to get a better attitude or fuck off.  So, if my attitude is better, then maybe his will be.  And if my attitude is better, and his isn't, then I won't feel as bad when I tell him to go fuck himself.  :)
3.  I have GOT get some organization in my life.
4.  I have GOT to get in better shape.  (Notice I didn't say in shape...I said in better shape!)  :)
5.  I am seriously going to catch up on my past due bills.  My own personal ones...I'm all good with the household & family stuff...but my personal stuff, needs to be taken care of.  And it's totally not even that much!
6.  Volunteer.  Donate.  All of that good stuff. 

And, that's all I have for now.  :)  (Me, stop a list at #6?  I must be ill.)

Break.

Ok, so...I haven't been putting much into my blogs because for some reason, I think I'm being cautious about what I write.  When the fuck did I start to care about what people might think when reading my stuff?  I mean, come on.

That having been said...

I am bored.  Really.  Understimulated.  Beige, blah, benign. 

And, I feel, once again, like I'm being held back.  Swimming upstream.  Walking around in concrete shoes.  Talking with taffy in my mouth.  Stuck in reverse, or at best, in neutral.  Sometimes, I might even get to 3rd or 4th gear, but that never lasts and the brakes are slammed on. 

Grrr.

I need a vacation.  Alone.  Just me.  Somewhere that I don't have to clean or cook or take care of anyone but me.  Because I'm responsible (around here) for everything.  And, I need a break.

I really wanna go home.  There's a comfort there that I can't get anywhere else. 

But maybe just a "me" vacation would at least give me a refreshing break and maybe I could come back with some new perspective.

Pancakes.

I need a comfort girl.  I need a girl I can call and say "hey, lets go get pancakes" and she'll be here in 5 minutes.

Worth?

I have stuff.  Lots of stuff.  But I have no idea of whether or not it's valuable.  I've googled and googled until my eyes about fall out of my head.  I have Homer Laughlin plates and an ivory (and the question is, is it authentic ivory or not?) vase and an antique cherub oil lamp...I want to sell these items, but for the right price.  And I have no clue where to even begin to find the right price. 

And those are just 3 things...I have about a trillion more.

Mundane.

I got nothing.

I mean, I got lots and lots to write about...but it all seems so mundane. 

I went to the dentist.  I knocked my front tooth loose when Magnum and I were in a tif and I couldn't get the seat of his truck to go forward and when it did it slammed into my face.  I hate the dentist.  But the guy was nice.  He told me it'll probably tighten up on it's own and he gave me good drugs.  I certainly can't complain about that.  :)

Teenager 1 is not moving back to Illinois afterall.  The little dick she was talking about marrying, once again, proved himself to be a huge prick, so she's staying.  She actually has a date this week with a local boy.  :)  Kinda funny because she's not accustom to "dating".  It's usually an internet based thing first, and then maybe going out.  She's hardly talked to this guy.  It'll be interesting to see how this goes.  O, and he's older.  He's 23.  I don't think she's gone out with someone older before.

This is my least favorite time of year.  I hate this end of summer crap.  It's just so damn boring.   It's in between and I don't like in between.  It's like I'm just waiting and waiting for fall.    And, I'm waiting to get JDRW's letter about kindergarten.  Like who his teacher will be and his supply list.  I've already got his backpack picked out online.  Wanna see?  The brown one.  I'm not sure if it will have his name or his initials or his last name.  I haven't decided yet.

See, boring mundane crap.

Should we have a list?  Sure.  Top 10 Things That Are Good About This Time Of Year:

1.  Fishing.  I'm loving it.
2.  Warmth.  My toes are warm almost all of the time.
3.  Farm fresh veggies.  Mmmm, tomatoes.
4.  There's potential for camping.  (Although we have not done so yet & probably won't.)
5.  Um...fishing?
6.  JDRW looks cute as hell because he runs around with no shoes and no shirt all day and he gets soooo dirty.
7.  Really?   Really?  I can't think of ten things?  Six Flags.  We are going there this month.
8.  Maybe we'll go to the ocean?
9.  Washington County Fair?
10. Fall is soon.