Resolve This.

Let's go over last years resolutions and see how I've done...

2009 Resolutions




* Make something creative for my home each month.  (Eh, I do good at this in general.)



* Use cloth bags for shopping-no more plastic bags.  (I do this and I am very proud of that fact!)



* Walk on the treadmill 1/2 hour, 3 days a week & work out arms to get definition.  (Yeah, right.)



* Get out a debt. (This is the hardest for me...but I will be diligent.)  (I've actually done a really good job of doing better with money.)



* Eat healthier. Organics, whole grains, fruits, veggies, broiled or baked meat, fish, chicken, fewer sweets, drink more water.  (Surprisingly, I've done better with my overall eating habits this year.  I've lost about 15 pounds...not bad?)



* Get the basement organized & cleaned. (Buy plastic containers with lids for keep stuff. Donate stuff.)  (Yeah, not so much.   But a little bit...which is better than no bit.)



* Work to keep my room clean & organized.  (I just moved out of the messy room.  Ha.)



* Get the kids rooms painted, redone, etc.  (Well, no.  Not even close.  But the kids moved out over the summer so this became less important.)



* Explorer fixed or traded or both.  (Gone baby gone.)



* Pay off college bill by summer to enroll in summer math course for graduation 2010.  (YES! YES! YES!  Tomorrow is my math final, and I am so passing the class.  Holy Cow!  I am all done and ready for a 2010 Spring Graduation!)



* Get out of debt and save for Illinios trip...June 21, 2009.  (Ok, so we didn't get our summer trip to Illinois, but we are getting a Christmas Trip instead, and I'll take it!!)



* Recycle.  (I've done this a bit.  It's hard.  Of course, it's hard to be passionate about something when those around you aren't so passionate.  But this is something I will continue to work on.)




* Be nice to all...even if I don't wanna.  (With the exception of one person...I'm all good.)



* No fast food.  (Ya know, oddly enough, I didn't even remember that this was a resolution, but I don't eat nearly as much fast food now, as I did before.  So, although I do indulge occasionally, I'd say I'm 80% there.)



* Believe.  (This one has been hard for me.  It's been a rough year at times.  I will always work on this one though.)

Holidays.

People always ask, "what's your favorite holiday?"  And, I always say Easter or Valentine's Day.  Christmas is usually too stressful, and Thanksgiving is just boring to me.  For a long time it was Halloween, but, for the past few years, October has not been my best month, at all.  So this morning I was thinking, you know what my favorite holiday is??

New Year's Day.

I love it.

I love the potential of the new year.  I love that it feels like a fresh start.  We struggle through 12 months of holidays and birthdays and seasons and life, and then January 1st comes along, and we can start fresh, and try to do better this time.

I love it.

Happy Happy Me.

I've been crabby.  I've been having issues with not being able to get organized, and feeling like I was taking 2 steps forward and 18 steps back.

Yesterday I felt better.  I cleaned.  The house looks awesome.  Tomorrow I start packing for the trip.

Magnum had a small trip today.  He called me, and I answered all happy happy me (which is rare these days) and he asked how my days was.  I say it's been wonderful.

Then, I make the mistake of asking him how his day is going.

Do you even want to guess?  Two called him and wanted him to meet her at Dunkin' Donuts for coffee.

It is never never going to end.

The Old Chick.

I'm not the oldest person in my math class.  That makes me happy. 

Of course, me being me, I asked the old chick to dinner.  :)  (I say old chick because she's older than my "usual".  She's 41.) 

So last night we went to dinner.

It was nice.  There was no awkwardness at all.  There was never a void or an empty space in the dinner.  She's a happy girl.  She's not Emo.  Not once did she say anything negative...how refreshing, right?

I liked it that she did the ordering.  Well, she ordered the appetizer and the dessert for us to share.  And, of course, if you know me, I love that.  She made the decisions.  It was such a nice change of pace.

She has a boyfriend and at this point I have no clue if she's bi or not.   But, I don't have to date her to be her friend.  Wow, I'm growing up huh?

Don't get me wrong, of course I would date her.  But I didn't see her and go "omg I have to have her".  I mean she certainly isn't Skye.  (DAMN kissing Skye was absolutely awesome though...I think she's in town for the holidays too.....wait, stop, don't go there!)  She is just...nice.  Maybe I just usually attract people who are emo?  I dunno.

So anyway, it was good.  It's not a crazy infatuation (like it usually is with me), it's a calm happy thing.  Yay me.

Mud.

My irritation and aggravation are crazy this week.  I can't seem to....OHHHH wait...It IS PMS week.  Well, fuck.  No wonder I'm so damn crabby.  That makes me feel so much better.

I feel like I'm trying to run in mud.  And, I can't get my head around anything.  Makes me want to scream and then hide in a corner, roll up in a ball, and hum myself to sleep.

O my.

Ney.

I really really miss Ney. 

I guess I'll go back into the dating pool....but it's kinda scary in there.

But I really do miss...it.  It being the relationship with a woman.

Nightmares.

I had horrible nightmares.   So horrible that now I'm just laying here, and the emotion is so high, that I'm tearing up. 

And, I'm all alone.

Fuck.

Break.

I need a break.  But I feel guilty when I say that. 

But all day long I have little voices asking things of me.  And, I need a break.

NAG.

I need a girl.  I miss girls, women, the female touch.  Sigh.

Girls notice things.  And say nice things about things they notice. 

And when I say, Isn't this a great rug?  She'll get all squee with me about it.  And, when I make her cookies or pie, she'll moan when she takes a bite because it IS that good. 

I just miss the closeness of a girl, because girls get it.  And, right now, it would be nice to have it gotten.

But its so fucking hard all the time.  Complicated.  Frustrating.  Ugh.  Why can't she just be here?

Sick Ticket.

Holy cow.

So, Magnum has this nephew.  He's...22ish??  Anyway, he is freakin' gorgeous.  I mean like model gorgeous. 

Anyway, tonight he's having a concert (Yes, the boy is in a band...and we all know how crazy that makes me), and I'm going to be his official band photographer.  :)

The point is, for the past two nights I've dreamed about him.  And, let me just say, I have the most awesomely vivid dreams.  HOLY COW.   I won't go into too much detail, but we were together walking down a sidewalk, and just kinda joking around and then he grabbed me and hugged me and we kissed and I was all giggling (and happy & content) and I said "what are we doing, I'm almost forty and I'm your aunt".  Of course, that didn't stop me from making out with him some more. 

Magnum would say "you are one sick ticket".  Yup, that's me.  :)

Don't Remember Writing This.

(I just found this in my drafts??)

JDRW had two ticks today.  One just on his clothes, and on in his arm.  Remind me again why ticks are good for our environment?

I feel icky again.  I was up almost all night last night because I felt so crappy.

Clue.

I'm not good at reading people.  Well at least some people...and it infuriates me.

Let it be what it is.  But wtf is it?

I must have feedback.  Give me a clue.  Ask me to dinner and call it a date.  Ask me for my home number because you want to hear my voice before you sleep.  Tell me you are interested in dating, but you need it to go very very slowly.  Or tell me your not interested in dating but you think we'd make great friends.  Or tell me you just plain ol' aren't interested...our personalities aren't compatible, I'm not your type, I iritate the piss out of you.

Just do something.  Oy.

So then a little voice pops into my head that says:  So just say this stuff to her.......but then I feel...stupid.  And stupid is my least favorite.  :(

Usually, at this point, I just throw in the towel.  arrrrrrggggghhhh.

_____________

Someone once asked me if I __________ my blog because I know he's reading it.  And my answer, at the time, was, "no, I write what I write and if you don't like it don't read it".  (I can sooo totally not think of the word I want.  It's not edit or screen...but something similiar?)

And, that sounds nice.

Except now, I think I am ____________ my blog because if I write what I'm really thinking, someone is gonna read it and either really really like it, really really hate it, divorce me, or get a restraining order.  :)  So...now I don't know what I should write or what I shouldn't write.  It's frustrating.

This is what I will write:

Pink Peppercorn Chocolate-bluck.
Lavender Chocolate-not as blucky as Pink Peppercorn Chocolate, but not something I'll ever crave.
Chocolate Wine-smooth & silky.
New Scarf-absolutely awesome.  Too cute to wear.  And, I totally think I should have paid more for it...
Hugs-sigh.
Hives-yikes.
Kissing kiddos good night-dreamy.
Imagining what I'm imagining but not allowing myself to write-holy fuck.

:)

And, that's all for now.

Unique.

Am I just another girl?

Or am I special?  Different?  A Unique?

I wanna be special and different and A Unique.

Sigh.

Are all girls like this?  Do they all have this need to know that they are special?  Or is it just me and my co-dependent attitude?

Future.

In a perfect world...this is how it would go...

When JDRW goes to school next fall, I would work at Magnum's work with him, and go to school full time.

That would be perfect.

Throb This.

I am a wee bit throbby right now.  Gulp.  As Skye once said to me "I can feel my heart beating, and I don't mean in my chest."  Ha. 

Today is absolutely beautiful.  This is the kinda weather we have in Illinois at Easter time.  I have the windows and doors open.  It's so awesome.

Non-reciprocation.  This scares me a bit.  I'd hate to be one of those girls who is all gagagagagaga & squee and the feeling isn't mutual. 

Did I mention I got 100 on my most recent math test?  Yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

I had and epiphany yesterday.  I'm starting to believe honesty is not the best policy in some circumstances.

And, I just got stung on the toe by a bee and now nothing is throbbing but my effing toe. 

More later...

Content & Uninhibited.

It's been awhile huh?  The visistor thing really knocked me for a loop.  Like, even though I know I'm doing a good job, suddenly I'm questioning every thing I do and every move I make.  Ugh.

In other news...

I dreamed.  Holy shit.  It wasn't sexual, but it was...intimate.  Dammit.  I woke up so content. 

Today has been the laziest day I've had in a long time.  Zero motivation. 

Oh and I realized, that I'm kinda fucked up because of the time change.  I'm hungry at the wrong times and tired at the wrong times.  I thought I was just going crazy and then I remembered daylight savings.  It screws me hard.  :)

I'm not doing roller derby. 

I am rocking in school.

We are planning our trip to Illinois for Christmas.

I got my haircut, again.

My being healthy thing sorta fell to the wayside, what with all of the Two & Magnum crap that was boggling my mind.  But I'm happy to say, I'm back on the wagon, and doing so so so well.  

And, now I'm going to sleep, because I'm drugged, and I tend to get very...uninhibited post drugged.

Visitor.

So, today I had a visitor.  She was very polite and helpful.  She answered my questions and told me what her concerns were.  She was from Family Services Daycare Division??

Yeah I guess someone mentioned I had a daycare at my house and I guess someone didn't like it?  I don't know how it works.  There are only a few people who even know I have a daycare.  And, the complaint was that I had a daycare with too many kids.  So, it had to be someone who knows how many kids I have or had (as it turns out, as of this morning, I am within my proper limits so boo to you Mr. or Ms. Tattletale).

My concerns are #1, who the hell would call them?  Like, I can't imagine it being one of my parents.  But then again, one of my parents did move their kids to a new daycare (citing a change in schedule as the reason), and I was a little upset about that.  So, they move their kids to a new daycare, and then the following Monday there's a woman knocking on my door about my illegal (NOT) daycare. 

My second concern is, what now?  Like, are they gonna be breathing down my neck about every little thing now?  Not that there's anything wrong with my daycare...it's actually pretty freakin' good if you ask me.  But, we've all heard the horror stories right?  I mean, do I need to run through my house and make sure there are locks on all of the cabinets and plug covers in all of the plugs? 

I'm kinda freakin. 

I'll do the best I can do...and I know it will be good enough. U.G.H.

NOT.

Last month her son had Lyme Disease too.  Good god.

Ok, enough about that...

JDRW had a tick.  He complained that his armpit was hurting.  Of course, we just figured he was playing too rough...but then I was in the tub and he had to pee, and he was wearing footie jammies, and he says "mom, I think something bit me on my elbow", and I look and sure enough...there's a fucking tick on his back, just under his arm.  Fuck.  So Magnum gets it out, and puts it in a baggie and we'll take it to the doctor tomorrow.   I think it's been there since Sunday (having an independent kid who likes to bathe himself and dress himself has its drawbacks...who knew?) but Magnum, of course, says it coulda just got there today.  But it looks icky.  I've never seen a tick bite look so icky.  So, I'm sure JDRW will start on an antibiotic tomorrow.

Oh, and I got 100 on my math test.  Isn't THAT a little bit afuckingmazing?

And, one more whine before I go...

You have a runny nose.  That is NOT swine flu.
You have a cold.  That is NOT swine flu.
You have the flu.  That is NOT swine flu.
You have a mosquito bite.  That is NOT swine flu.
This is swine flu.

Fuck me people. 

FFS

So, why don't you text back and say:  I don't fucking care???

Ugh.

Magnum said Two texted him to tell him that her whole family has H1N1.  N1H1?

First of all, No, they don't. 

Second of all, why does he care?  For fuck's sake...

Mommy.

Two things: 
1st:  My mother and I are not what anyone would call close.  We never were "best friends".  The most we did when I was younger was tolerate each other.  Now that we've both grown older, we get along and talk pretty regularly (like once every two weeks is regularly to me). 
2nd:  I rarely get so sick that I can't get out of bed.

A few weeks ago I got food poisioned, and it was Monday morning and I told Magnum I didn't think I could get up for work, and he made some comment about how he was sorry that he had to go to work. And, then I said "I need my mom."

Either he knew then that I was on the brink of death because I said I needed my mother, OR, he feared I might call her and she might actually show up on our doorstep.

Either way, Magnum let me stay in bed all day, waited on me, brought me drinks and soup, and ran the business all day.

So, I guess the magic words for me to stay in bed all day are not "but I need you baby" or "I'm so sick"...nope, all I gotta say is "Mommy?" and he comes runnin'.  :)

Cold.

I live in NY.  My three teenagers have chosen to live in IL with their father.  I can't say I blame them.  Well, not the father part...but the family part.  In IL they have grandma's and aunts and uncles and tons of cousins.

People ask me how they are doing.  I tell them they are doing fine.  And they are.  But, I don't check up on them.  They are my friends on facebook, but I rarely look at their pages. 

Is that weird?

Why don't I talk to them more often?

Because it sucks and I miss them.  :(  I don't think people get that sometimes.  I think sometimes people think I'm kinda "cold" when it comes to my kids.  But really, I'm not.  I just...know they are safe and healthy and happy...and that's good for me. 

All for now...peace.

Disorderly Conduct.

I am a classic case of...I want I want I want I get I don't want anymore.  WTF is wrong with me?

I've been flirting and teasing this client of mine for weeks and then I get in a little snuggle, and poof.  The attraction is gone.  Ugh.

In other news...

I can't do things if Magnum knows I'm trying.  Let me explain...

I joined the Y last February.  I went religiously, at least twice a week, if not more.  I loved it.  And then, Magnum started going with me.  We went twice together, and I never went back.

I was doing the healthy thing, and I told Magnum, and a few days later I was eating a cookie and he said "you're slippin'" and it's been downhill ever since.

Roller Derby.  I was all gung ho about it.  I was going to do it, no matter what.  Except I mentioned to Magnum that I was thinking about joining, and now, I'm not even the slightest bit interested.

So, tell me, what psychological disorder do I have?  I expect him to expect me to fail, and I do.  Right?

Fib.

Fibonacci Numbers are fascinating.

Traded?

Yesterday Magnum and I had an adult conversation!  Something was said about him dating...and I said, well none of the other girls bother me...just Two.  And then I said, "but that may be negotiable".

That got his attention.

I told him I might be willing to trade Two for Ogre.

What?

They aren't slaves?  You can't just trade relationships.  How immature and silly.  Right?

But, see, I realized something over the weekend.

It isn't necessarily Two that is the problem.  And it isn't necessarily Magnum's relationship with Two.  It's that Two thinks she's getting away with something.   And, that seems to be what bothers me.  So, isn't the hang up mine? 

I think I was ready to deal with Magnum & Two.  The Ogre trade is just a bonus.

And, I like Ogre.  That's not to say that he likes me, any more than any other person.  I know he makes me smile, even when I don't want to?  Although he *hugs* a lot and I'm so not good with people being exceptionally nice to me.  :)

I think just thinking there might be something there...gives me comfort? 

Is this wrong? 

Oh and note to self:  Huge Pile Of Leaves = Huge Area For Four Year Old To Lose Shoes.

Print This...Take 2.

My new printer is making this hideous sound when I try to print.  It's a screeeeeechhhhhhhy sound.  It makes my teeth hurt when I hear it.

So, I emailed Kodak, and my girl called me this morning.  And she's sending me a new printer, tomorrow.  Whoot.

She said she's sending me a new label, so the old computer will come right to her, and she can check it out, and then smash it.  :) 

Changes.

Sigh.

So, I just found out today that my very first "client" is leaving me.  :(  She said something about her job is changing and her husbands job is changing so they must go elsewhere for services. 

But there's this part of me that thinks...What did I do??  Why are you leaving me? 

Do we all do this?  Do we all think that we've done something wrong when situations like these arise?  Perhaps it really is just that their schedules are changing?  Perhaps it has nothing to do with my services.

I'd like to think of it as a good thing.   I'd like to think that there's a reason, in the grand scheme of life, that I'm just not able to see clearly (yet).

But I am kinda sad.  :(

Met...

I met...I'm giving her a different name...Star.  I met Star tonight.  I can see where she could be fun.  :)   Magnum asked what her status was.  I was  like, yeah she's gay.  Then Magnum said, "fuck you are lucky".  :)
Roller Derby Rocked.  It was a blast.

And, I want to write more...but I'm too sleepy.

Bare But Warm.

A few months back I saw a hat/scarf ( Xhilaration® Knit Hat with Pom And Tassels - Green) combo that I like.  It's just green.  Like...hmmm...Kelly Green?  Anyway, I bought the hat and gloves yesterday (Note:  I bought the hat for cuteness, but now I think I have an abnormally big head because the hat leaves my earlobes hanging out...so sad.), and decided to request a friend make a scarf for me.  I'm big on having something that no one else has.   And, scarves seem to be my favorite accessory these days.  Plus, they keep my bare neck warm.

I talked to this friend today.  She's gonna make me a scarf.  :)  She wanted to know if I wanted warmth or style?  And she asked if I had a particular pattern?  Well, no.  I just want a scarf.  I never got farther than I want. 

So she sends me links to patterns...and after much thought and consideration...I picked one.

Then, she tells me I can pick up the yarn. 

Is it weird that this excites me?  I'm so excited that I am going to go to the store, pick out some pretty yarn, and then, I will have my very own scarf??? 

I really am easy to please.  (I didn't say easy, I said easy to please!)

O. My. God.

I'm not sure how I ended up being me. 

Let me splain...

I am addicted to Facebook.  And, over the past few months it seems as though there's been this surge of my family members and friends joining.

And, I am, sooooo not a Christian.  And they sooooo are!  I mean, fanatical Jesus freaks!

Don't get me wrong, I think everyone is entitled to believe whatever they choose...

But, sometimes I don't think it's a choice, so much as a "myth" that's been told over and over and over again so that people don't choose, they just follow blindly. 

These people actually BELIEVE this stuff? 

I know it's a touchy subject. 

I believe in Jesus.  I think he was the most brilliant man who ever walked the face of the earth.  I don't know that I believe he was created because a god decided to impregnate his mother so that 30 years down the road some assholes could nail him to a board, and in that he would, "die for our sins".  Holy crap!  Really?

Back to the point...

My family, on my father & my mother's side are religious.  Every day they post something new about God and his blessings and miracles.  I guess if that works for them...why should I complain?

This is why I complain...because today a cousin of mine posted a picture of a baby who had supposedly been aborted.  (It was some sort of anti abortion campaign poster.)

I will never understand this practice.  Christians posting pics of dead bloody babies?  What's the point?  I just don't get it.

I don't think that abortion should be a means of birth control.  I mean, if you are out carelessly and irresponsibly screwing and you get pregnant, shame on you.  But I also don't think, that a baby should be born to a person/people who don't want them and who will just abandon or abuse them. 

I know...it's one of those debates that the general public will never see eye to eye on...but I just don't think we need these graphic pics to make a point. 

Passion.

Writing is my passion...so why am I not writing?

I also thoroughly enjoy photography (and I'm really good)...so why am I not doing something with that?

That's all I got for now...

Whiner.

Yes, I'm gonna whine a bit.  As most of you know I did this PAD Challenge (poetry a day challenge) back in April.  I, who has never really considered myself a poet, entered this contest.  And just today the guy finally writes who the winner is...and it's not me.  :) 

But here's the part that confuses me...the woman that did win, is a friend of the man running the contest?  She did some poem screening in the beginning of the challenge or something.  So, I dunno...that seems kinda like...cheating...but not really?  And of course, no one is gonna say on the site...dude, if she's your best bud, of course she's gonna win.  Everyone else is like Oh yeah she's great.  And I haven't read her work, but I'm sure it's great.  Maybe she's the greatest poet since...whoever your favorite poet is. 

It just seems a little odd, that she's his bud and a participant in the screening of the poems that are making the cut??  I don't understand. 

LBS.

So, as of last Saturday, I've lost 14 pounds.  :)  Go me.  That's good, right?  Especially considering I'm not killing myself to do it.  I'm not starving or working out.  I'm just...being good.  You know when you put something in your mouth if it's a bad thing or a good thing.  (yeah, yeah, shut it!)  Anyway, simple little changes have made all the difference to me.  I really stopped eating crap.  I still eat stuff I love.  I had mexican pizza for breakfast.  But, it's all of the crap that I've cut out.  Cookies, cupcakes, donuts, soda.  I can only imagine where I'd be if I added a little work out to the gig.  Hmmmm...something to think about.

It makes me happy to be doing this healthy thing.  I'm not doing it for anyone but me.  And that makes the biggest difference.  

I literally danced when I saw the latest numbers.  I even made Magnum come in and be a witness!  I haven't weighed this, for at least 10 years.  And, really, if you look at me, maybe you can't really see a difference, but I know!

The funniest part of it all is that I expect my clothes to get bigger.  So my jeans are all a bit baggy now.  But the funny part is, as they get baggier, they get longer.  So all of my jeans are dragging the floor.  :)

I have a goal, and I know it's attainable.  I mean, I just started this whole thing on August 31, and I'm rockin'!  :)

Bliss.

I saw a bumper sticker today that said "Follow Your Bliss". 

I like that idea.

Right.

I love being right.  I love love love to KNOW I'm right about something, and then argue my point until it's proven that I am indeed the one who is right.  I love to win!!!

This whole Magnum & Two thing has been going on forever and ever and it just happens again and again.  This last time (2 weeks ago) I "found out" about some stuff because I logged onto the computer, clicked on hotmail, and Magnum's email came up, and there, staring me in the face was an email from Two.

The point is, when I told Magnum how I came across this email from Two, he ranted and ranted about how "that just doesn't happen"  and how "you don't just click into my email, you had to sign in to my account" (which really, wtf is the difference, you are lieing to me...but whatever...)

So, I knew I was right about this.  I argued my point and he just kept acting like I was nuts.

Except tonight, we were actually being cordial and actually having a discussion about stuff (actually, I was asking who/what I could trade for Two...but that's a topic all in itself) and we got off onto this accidentally accessing his email...

And, long story longer, I proved my point.  I was right.  He was wrong.  (as if)  And, I love it!  I even did a little dance.

It gives me great pleasure to have him know I didn't log into his email "looking" for something.  That it just presented itself. 

Go me.  :)

Do Me.

This is mostly a reminder to myself to do this:

Write This

X's

And, is it EX's come haunting this month?

Mist and I are talking again.  It's nice.

Pawn, seems to be, invading my space this week.  (Funny, how I liked her a lot, and now, I really really don't.  And it's not anger, or hurt, she just bugs me.  Actually, I never really liked her much to begin with and then she wiggled her way in...but again, that's not the point.)

Then we have...I need to give her a name, although she's not worthy...There ya go...Two.  That will be her name.  Two.  Why?  Because when Magnum first started seeing her 6 or 7 years ago, I asked him why he chose her, and he said, "I've finally found someone who was worth it."   So, I call her The Worthy One.  Ugh.  Anyway, Two, is back like a nightmare that just won't end....grrrrr.

And yesterday, just as I was on the cusp of sleep, one of THE best kisses I've ever had, crept into my head.  It was with Skye.  Damn.  It might have been the best kiss I've ever had.  Makes me tingle a bit.

Oh, and speaking of Skye, her ex Lucy, and I have been chatting lately.  I follow her blog, and I was surprised to find that she and I were both planning to do Roller Derby.  And on the first night, she was there.  I didn't say anything to her then, but later I emailed.  I told her the only way we can be friends, is if we agree not to talk about Skye.  It's been good so far.

Magnum just tagged me and said he has an errand to do, and I automatically think "yeah, he's sooo meeting Two".  Irritating beast.

Demented.

I'm going along, working through all of this lie/trust/bunchacrap stuff, and today, really, for the first time I started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I let Magnum sleep in my new king size bed last night.  I didn't even know he was there until this morning.  But that's not the point...

The point is, today, I felt good.  I told Magnum I was ready to decorate for Halloween.  I've been energetic and cleaning and being...happy.  Wow.

But wouldn't you know, like a recurring nightmare, Magnum just tagged me and said SHE called him today to tell him that her grandma was in the hospital.

My first thought is, WHO THE FUCK CARES?  I know, it sounds mean, and I know Magnum likes the grandma a lot...but really??  Why does my husband need to know this?

Any excuse to call or text or meet him...she'll come up with something for the rest of her life...

It's infuriating.

The only good part for me is this.  I've decided if Magnum insists on having a "relationship" with her, then I'm not going to limit my relationship with certain people.  And, that, makes me happy.

And, on that note.  This makes me happy:

FRIEND:   (4:18:30 PM): Oragami?


ME: (4:19:58 PM): folded up and just pretend?

FRIEND: (4:22:42 PM): Burn burn like wicker cabinet?
 
Is it weird that that simple little exchange makes me smile?   
 
Ugh. 
 
Demented as the motives in your head....

Ok, so...

I totally snuggled with a client today.  Holy crap!! 

Distract Me.

I need a distraction.  And at this point in time, I don't think there are many limits on the type of distraction I get, as long as it's not illegal.  :) 

A balloon.  A red balloon floating along, the owner having let the string slip through his fingers while he was trying to grab the yellow balloon.  And, now, the red balloon is just floating along, being pushed this way and that by the temperment of nature.  I'm tired of natures moods.  Someone needs to grab me, pull me back to earth, ground me.  Hold me there until I am ready to fly again.

Or I suppose I could just wait until I run out of air, and float back down all on my own. 

Matters.

I had to write on my wrist in marker to remind myself...I wrote..."it doesn't matter".  Because I keep thinking of all of these things...the thoughts just run through my head...the unknown.  And, I dwell on it, and really, it's doesn't matter.  I don't want to know, what I don't know. 

The thing is...when I think about these things that don't matter...my shoulders and my arms get tingly.  It's the weirdest sensation. 

And, when all of this stuff that doesn't matter stops bothering me, will there be anything left that does matter?

Closed.

I'm desperately seeking closure.  :)  Or at least some sort of resolve?  Is that even the right word?

I got some clarification on some stuff last night and I think I should be feeling soooo much better today.  But, I'm not.   Wait.  I am feeling better, but I want to feel...happy!?! 

I'm still ultra sensitive so every little thing sends me into a mini panic.

I'm so damn codependent. 

In other news, I think my "client" and I are...on the verge of...something?  Last night, I took her hair out of her pony and played with it for like 15 minutes.  Yum.

And, in yet, one other tidbit of news, I think I'm gonna buy skates today.  That's sooo crazy.

Dumb. Ass.

I kinda feel like a dumb ass right now.

I hope I sleep well so I can wake up refreshed.

I really really wish our power would go out...poof.  That way I could be closed tomorrow!!!!!

One Week.

So, it's been a week.

And, it still sucks.

And he hasn't apologized.

And he hasn't asked me to come back.

But he did hook me up with a new light and cable in my new room.

So, how would you take it?  Like he's really not sad at all?  Like this is what he wanted all along?

Am I really this pathetic?

I want him to want to not want her.  When did I turn into this person I've become?

I cry when I'm in the car alone. 

I cry when I'm in bed at night.

I cry when I'm in the bath tub.

Why???  Wtf am I crying about?

I am so sorry for all of the pain I ever caused any married woman.  I know it's too little too late, but I am truly sorry.  The worst part is never having a straight answer to the question "why?"

I need a human to bounce this shit off of instead of a computer.  But the person I would normally bounce shit off of...happens to be the person that is causing me to have to bounce in the first place.

Grip.

Why can't I seem to get past this whole issue I'm having with Magnum.  I go to the store and I'm afraid I'm gonna run into her......

I need to get a grip and I don't know how.

That's what I'm talkin about.

First math test score:  89.

Math test score after the instructor realized she marked one wrong that was right, 93.

That's right bitches...I got a 93 on my first math test.  That's right, that's an A.  A.  A.

That's what I'm talkin' about.

Oh, and that was the highest grade in the class. 

Girls.

I am a "member" of a dating website.  Although, I'm not really dating, it's kinda fun to see what's out there. 

Except, are there any regular, normal people in the world?  And are any of them on dating websites?  And if I think they are all odd, then does that mean I too, am odd?

What about girls with hair that isn't blue or purple?  What about girls who clean house and watch Entertainment Tonight on the regular?  What about a girl or two who doesn't say she's wacky or crazy in her opening sentence?  I just want a normal, I can bake bread, and load the dishwasher at the same time, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up but I'm taking classes at the local community college even though I'm 30 something years old, girl.  Where are they?

Worn. Out.

I had hoped to blog.  But just getting up and getting dressed and the regular morning stuff has worn my ass right out.  :(    Walking to class today should prove to be a challenge. 

Swim.

It feels like I've been underwater for the last week.  Between being broken hearted and food poisioned, the world has just been passing by in a murky gray pond.

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and break the surface.

Poisioned.

So, I signed up for this national blog writing month thing, I was all excited because I pretty much blog every day anyway...right?

Except yesterday I went to a local restaurant and I order the crab and corn chowder, and it was not very warm, and I only ate half of the over priced cup...and I've been sick every since. 

It hurts. 

So, I failed at the blog every day for a month thing. 

It fucking hurts.  It feels like there's a tiny little roller coaster in my stomach doing corkscrews.  Ugh.

Fingers.

JRDW loves olives.  And yesterday I put some on a salad and he wanted some.  So, of course, everyone else wanted some. 

I got a fork, and I was handing out olives, but of course I didn't want them to eat right off of the fork, so I was telling them to take the olive off of the fork with their fingers.  So, I'm passing out olives, saying "fingers, fingers, fingers..." and now one of the babies (who seems to be my fav these days) calls olives, fingers.  She points to the jar and says "fingers pwease?"  It's tooo cute.

Print...this?

Ha.

So, after weeks of whining, and months of not having, I don't even know what I need to print. 

Wah wah my printer is broken.  Wah wah Kodak is being a meany head.  Yahoo, I whined and got a new printer.

And, now...what the hell do I have to print? 

Kinda funny actually.  I'm sure once I get back into the swing of things, I'll have plenty to print or copy or fax or scan. 

I guess it's like, when you don't have a car you think "when I have a car I'm going here and here and here" and then once you get the car...you go no where.

Score.

I asked my instructor to look over my test before I left class yesterday and she said I did very well, and that I got 22/27.  But what does that mean?  What's my grade????  I mean I know it means I got 5 wrong answers.  But what does that mean???

Steps.

I understand why women stay with men who don't deserve them.

Pain.

Because if I could just suck it up, and let it go, and let him hold me, it would feel so good.  As long as I didn't think too much.  It would be the easy thing to do.

He lost my heart though, and he'll never get that back. 

Oh, I'm so pathetic, huh?  Poor poor me.

But it's a new beginning, a new month.  And, I'm gonna take full advantage of this moment!

In other news...I just wrote Mist the most pathetically pathetic email.  But there's been a lot of "stuff" between us, some anger and some resentment, and I'm just tired of it.  So, I sent her an email trying to just clear up some stuff, and explain some other stuff.  I guess we'll see how that goes.

I have my first test today, and I'm excited!  Me excited about a math test?  Who am I and what did they do with the old me?

That's all I got for now...

Oh wait...I just got my new printer!  Excited much?  As excited as I am about the printer, I'm more excited that I stood up for something I believed in, and got...what's the word?  Got...not revenge...got...what's the word?  Got what was rightlyfully mine because I stood up for myself? 

Petty.

So, every year since I've lived NY, Magnum and I have gone here.  We always go on Saturday.  We get up early, and drive to Warrensburg and I always buy a Pyrex bowl.  And, it's become a thing we do.  Stupid to say, I look forward to it.  I love the whole experience.  Do I need another Pyrex bowl?  Probably not.  Are the sales so awesome that it's worth the drive?  Probably not.  But that's not it...it's the whole walking around hand in hand, ooohhhing and ahhhhing at the stuff.  What can I say, it's these little things that make me happy. 

And, Magnum scheduled a work meeting, on the opening day of the sales.

Am I silly to be hurt by this?  Is it petty?  I am silly to want him to consider me? 

Yes, we could go on Sunday.  And, right now, I wouldn't go across the street with him.  But he planned this meeting way before all the drama.  So, the point is, he planned something on a day that's kinda important to me. 

Sigh.

I just expect too much.  But I don't think it's too much to expect.

Ok, Kodak. You're Safe.

Who says blogging doesn't getcha anywhere?

If you read my blogs about Kodak, you know it was a very frustrating process.  The people that I actually emailed, did NOTHING to help me.

But someone, who read my blog, did.  How cool is that?

A woman read my blog and told me to email her...and I did...and she was awesome.  And I just got off the phone with another woman, named Brandy, who is totally gonna replace my printer.

The funny thing is, I had pretty much given up.  I was just gonna buy a new printer.  And then some random person read my blog and voila.

Hey, maybe I should write that I love RED LOBSTER and CRAB LEGS.  Think I'll get something free grub?

And.

I need to remember that being mean and hateful isn't helping anything.  I will always win any arguements because in this case, I'm right.  So, I need to take that, and leave the bitterness out.   I can be mad.  I can cry.  But the silly "well you did this and you did that" is just a waste of my energy. 

Positive.  Focus on the positive.

Truth.

Things I have to remember:

It's over.  There's no point in asking questions.  There's no point in finding out any more info.  The damage is done.  It is not gonna go away.

I am on my way up.  I've been on my way up for a long long time.  I wanted him to go with me on my journey, but it isn't to be.

My heart is broken, but not surprised.  I think I knew this was gonna happen eventually.  I knew eventually he wouldn't be able to lie his way out of his lies.

I was happy being blissfully naive.  I didn't ask questions, I didn't snoop.  I just let it be.

And then, there, in front of me, without the asking, is the truth.  I tried to deny it at first.  I ignored the first truth, choosing instead to believe what I wanted to believe.  And even, the second truth.  I was angry.  I said mean things.  I was hurt.  But I think, with time, I could have let it be again.  And, now, I know, it never will be again.

I'm sad for me.  I'm sad that I think I've done everything "right".  I thought I was being "enough".

As it turns out, I will never be enough.

I'm sad for him.  There has to be a reason he can't love me like I love him.

I'm sad for JRDW.  He didn't do anything wrong.  But, isn't he gonna be the one who is the most hurt by all of this?  And, don't you think that Magnum might have considered that?  Or was Magnum banking on just never having lies turn into truth?

I know this is karma, and I should just take what I've earned.

I'm trying to look forward to a place when it doesn't hurt so much.  I'm trying to imagine the future me...without my husband...without my best friend.  I guess, though, if he truly were my best friend, he wouldn't have hurt me like this.  Then again, didn't I let him hurt me?

I hate being a sob story but I needed to make sense of some things.

Broken.

When your husband and your best friend are the same person...and one of them break your heart...it's pretty lonely.

Good Things.

All good things must come to an end.

Kodak You Suck.

OMFG.

I loved my printer when I got it.  Yeah, I even blogged about it.  Then I wrote them a letter.  Then they wrote back and said to call.  So today I called...

The first NON english speaking person, after much irritation and frustration, was in the process of taking down all of my information to send me a replacement printer...and as she was taking down my address, we get disconnected.

The next NON english speaking person, doesn't seem to understand a fucking word I'm saying, so I hang up.

The third NON english speaking person, goes through ALL of the same steps the other people have me go through, and then he tells me to take out the print head and the cartridges and put them back.

So, I do that.

And then he says, "Mam, now please take out the print cartridges and the print head."

Yeah, I did that.

And then he says, "Mam, now please take out the print cartridges and the print head."

YEAH I DID THAT.

He LITERALLY said the EXACT same sentence to me 10 times, at least. 

And I say to him, "You've been asking me the same question for the last 10 minutes.  I did that part!!!!"

Then he wants to calibrate.

As if I haven't already tried this???  I mean really?  I CAN speak english and I CAN read and I know how to calibrate a printer and how to clean the printhead......and I've done all of the trouble shooting steps.

The printer is fucking broken you fucking moron.

I guess I'll be buying a new printer.  But certainly not from Kodak.

Press This.

Press one for english...

Ok, pressing one...

And then I get to talk to someone who does not speak ENGLISH but some modified absolutely UNunderstandable version of a language that I suppose to some people SOUNDS like English but in fact is fucking NOT.

Ketchup.

So, I haven't had my computer for ages, and just got it back.  Whoot.  Now I can go back to boring you with my life.  :)

Here are the highlights:

On August 31st, I decided to go for more of a healthy life.  I've lost 13 pounds since then.  And, the best part, is, it's not hard.  I mean, I just quit eating crappy food.  And Magnum fixed our treadmill today, so I'll be utilizing that handy little fella.

I got all of my hair chopped off three weeks ago.  It is so sassy and I love it.

My math class is going exceptionally well.  I expect to get no less than an A in the class.  Yes, I'm doing that well.

I want to do roller derby.  I think I can totally handle it.  Magnum isn't so sure.

I am planning for me and my family to go to Illinois for Christmas.  About this I am uber excited!!!

We got a new truck.  Truck + new hair = total dyke. But oh well, they're both cute.  :)

Shoes.

I went shopping last night because we have a wedding reception to go to tonight and I wanted some new shoes.


So I bought some shoes and then we went to the mall, and then I decided I didn't like those shoes so I took them back and got different ones.

They are cute.

Magnum says, "I don't think those are gonna be very comfortable."

I say, "Oh, they are so comfortable, I wore them around for a few minutes in the store."

Yeah, so I've had them on for about 30 minutes...and all I'm doing is sitting here typing. And my shoes are a bit less than comfie.

But dammit, they're cute.

Stupid cute shoes. *crankyface*

Letter To Kodak.

To Whom It May Concern, To Whom It May Take To Get This Resolved, To Whom I Must Beg, To Whom I Will Be Thanking Soon For All Of Their Help:

In March 2008, I bought a Kodak 1100 All In One. I was impressed. I raved. I wrote to my friends and in my blog and even commented very positively about how impressed I truly was. I’m sure my husband was sick of hearing how much I LOVED my new printer.

Do you feel the but coming on?

Yeah.

Probably within six months of purchase, the scanner feature stopped working. I figured it was user error, and thought I’d call someone at Kodak and get to the bottom of it.

Then, the printouts started to look not so great. Whole lines were missing from whatever document I was trying to print at the time. Again, I thought, well it’s not the printer, I’m sure it just needs to be cleaned. So, I did the nozzle clean and all of the other fancy “troubleshooting” steps.

Nadda.

So for the past 6 months or so my printer has been sitting in a lonely corner, unused and discarded.

And then someone said, “well did you even bother to call the company?” Um, no, I didn’t. It just never occurred to me.

So, now I’m writing to “the company”, because, although I was highly impressed with your product in the beginning (I was even impressed, and wrote it so in my comments, with the packaging. I didn’t have to get a butcher knife to open the packages because there were convenient little tabs. Maybe I’m easily impressed?), I am a bit disappointed that all it is now is a huge paper holder.

Also, and I’m sure this is an important fact, at some point during one of the nozzle cleanings, I noticed “something” in the printer. Something cottony looking? So, I figured one of the children (as I have an in home daycare and a 3 year old son (who would never do such a thing, of course)) must have stuck something in there and THAT was my problem. However, when that cottony thing a ma jig was removed, and after much inked fingers, I realized that whatever that thing was, it was part of the printer that had come loose? (Obviously, I’m not a technical girl, so I couldn’t even begin to tell you what the part was, but I will say, it was made of the same material that a window air conditioner filter is made of. Make sense?)

So, now, after much procrastination and worry that I broke my printer, I’m convinced that perhaps it isn’t so much my “fault” at all? Perhaps there was a malfunction in the printer from the start that I was unaware of?

This is my plea to get to the bottom of this. I don’t know where to go from here or what the next step is, or if you can even offer any help at all with this matter. But I hope you can, because I feel so sorry for that poor little pretty yellow and white paper holder in the corner.

Thank you in advance for your help in sorting this matter out and I hope, together, we can get that printer glowing again soon!

Sincerely,
Me

First Day.

Today is my first day of fall semester. Am I really finally gonna get this math done? Whoot.

A big shout out to Magnum for making this possible. Thank you so much.

That's all for now...

Tomatoes & Tornados

I ate the first tiny tomato from my garden today. I feel sorry for people who will never get to taste a fresh from the garden tomato. My garden hasn’t quite flourished this year. I’ve had one teeny tiny cucumber (that I insisted on peeling & slicing so I could eat it) and two tiny tomatoes. The plants look healthy, but aren’t bearing much fruit. Of course, for me the planting and watching grow is almost as good as harvesting. I was so desperate for “gardening” today that I repotted all of my houseplants.

(I just reread this blog, and I realize, it is very random. Sorry bout that, but you see how my mind is working these days.)

My dreams have been so vivid lately, they leave me feeling empty when I wake up.

I’m excited that my math class starts in 18 days.

Also, I’m considering signing up for a yoga class. Yeah, I know. Me + Yoga = AreYouFuckingKiddingMe? But, it seems so…relaxing, centering. I crave centering.

I’ve been having little fantasies about one of my “clients” lately. It’s kinda funny actually. I was telling Magnum about it today and it was making me laugh my head off. Of course, he too has fantasies about her…but that’s another story. J

Skye texted the other night. I haven’t talked to her since she moved to Massachusetts with her girlfriend. We didn’t really text about much, and then I got home and we didn’t have any power, and I never got back to texting. It’s better that she’s far away, because I cannot resist her. Have you seen that girl?

Magnum & I have this conversation a lot. Me (excitedly!): Oh it’s storming!!! Think we’ll have tornado warnings? Magnum: Um, no. This is upstate NY, not the Midwest. We don’t have tornados. Yeah. He just texted. He’s on his way home and apparently he heard on the radio that there are tornado warnings. And I know it’s weird, but it excites me. You know how you learn from preschool, until you graduate, all about fires and fire safety. And several times a year the school has fire drills? Yeah, in my schools we had tornado drills. Everyone would go into the hallway and scrunch down with their arms shielding their heads from debris. I was astounded when I realized that the schools here do not engage in any tornado preparedness.

I’m wearing orthopedic underwear right now. J Ha. That’s what I call any sort of granny panties.

Ok, I’m out. Laterz.

Some Like It Hot

Finally Summer has arrived in Upstate NY. Hot muggy icky sweaty summer. I am not cold. I will be not cold for approximately the next two weeks, at which time summer in Upstate will be over, and I will again be cold. But for now…I’m basking in the warmth. (Of course, Magnum Hates the heat!!)

If I weren’t married to a man who loves my hair to be long, I would have it cut short. Shorter than I’ve ever had it. I’m just so…tired of it. But I don’t want him to say I look like his ex wife. Although I did fall in love with a Chihuahua the other day.

So, on Saturday, I wanted to do something different. Something we don’t do every other Saturday. Yeah, it didn’t work out. We still ended up in Saratoga. Although we managed to visit places other than the normal places…it still isn’t what I had in mind. And, I think, I’m a cheap date because it doesn’t take much to please me. I say, Let’s do something different and Magnum hears Let’s do something outrageous and expensive. When I say, Let’s do something different, I mean, let’s drive East, instead of North. I mean, just do something besides the same thing I do, and have been doing, every Saturday for the past 3 years. Drive me to Vermont & let me look at the quaint little shops. I don’t have to buy anything. Take me to a river that I’ve never been to, or a park. Chaknow? And, of course, then I feel bad for Magnum because he’s been driving 45 minutes one way to work every day, and all he wants to do is rest on the weekend. I’ve been home all week, and all I want to do is run all weekend.

Update Schmupdate

No, I have not been blogging lately. Not because I don’t want to, but because of certain circumstances. Trust me, I don’t like it. But it is what it is and there’s not much I can do about it for now. I’ll get back to it. Hopefully soon.

But, while I’m here, I may as well update.

Sigh. Am I this boring? I can think of nothing worth writing? It’s just been so long that I don’t know where to begin.

Well, I guess one thing is...I LOVE the Laundromat. Really. I love the way it smells. I love the hummm hummm tnkkk tnkkk of the dryers. I love how nothing comes out of the dryers wrinkly. I love that I can get a week worth’s of laundry washed dried and folded in 2 hours. (Yes, we have a washer, but there’s something wrong with the drain thingy ... so I had to go to the mat on Sunday.) There’s a peace in it? At least to me. I’m sure if I didn’t have my own washer and dryer and I had to go to the mat every week I’d probably loathe it.

Class starts in three weeks. I can’t wait. I am actually gonna do it this time. And, I’ve already studied every chapter in the book. Really. I did vocabulary, just like in junior high. But I know stuff now, that I would have been confused about when I got to class. So it’s all good.

Mist and I are on friendly terms again. Not buddy buddy, but at least an occasional email or text. Pawn and I however, are not. I mean, she tries to be all friendly, but I’m just not that into it. She came to get her stuff from the house last week, and it was eh. I was cordial. She was talking her head off as usual. She’s going back to school, which is one thing she’s done that’s smart.

Oh, here’s NEWS. Wait. Have I ever given her a name? Probably not, since I never planned to write about her. Hmmm, now I have to think. Anyway (fillinnamehere) texted me a few weeks ago and said she missed me. Out of no where. And, I wouldn’t have thought much about it, except I had been dreaming about her for a few nights prior. We’ve texted back and forth a time or two, but I know being friends with her always ends badly. I told her that being her friend was dangerous because I always end up hurt. I’m definitely pacing myself. She’s just one of those things. I’ve used this quote to describe a relationship with her: “I love chocolate, but if I keep eating it, one day I’ll regret it.” That’s her. I want to nom nom nom her up, but 2 weeks later I end up wanting to puke on my shoes. The question is, is that chocolate yummy enough to endure the puking later? Probably not. Right?

I haven’t really been into women lately. J No really. I think when my life isn’t as I’d like it to be, I can’t really focus on anything, especially a relationship with another woman. Eeeekkk. They wear me out. Of course, I haven’t exactly found the right woman yet, I guess. Because when I do, it won’t be hard. It won’t be something that stresses. It will be something that is comfortable. And someone who’s employed. J Someone who makes me sigh contently ... like Magnum does.

I’m reading the Twilight Saga again. I’m at the very end of the 4th book. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of reading those. And, the new movie “New Moon” is in theatres on November 20th. I’m even gonna try to go see a midnight showing. Whoot. (And I just read that the next movie will be out in June 2010.)

I’m writing a treatment. Doesn’t that sound fancy? Ha. It’s a concept for a reality show. I read somewhere that I should refer to myself as a writer, if that’s what I want to be. So, “Hi. I’m a writer”. Sounds kinda pompous huh?

Hehe.

So, we totally are out way past my bedtime...and we stopped to snatch internet from a hotel near our house. And the funny part is...here I am typing away...and Magnum is reclined over in the drivers seat, snoring his pretty little head off. Hehe.

180

After this blog I'm changing the format of my "titles". It seemed a good idea to just number my posts when I started. Except now...I don't know...it makes going back harder. I'll have to start naming the blogs or whatever.

I guess, when I'm not actually "online" I might have to sit and write some blogs to catch up because things are all boggled in my mind.

I do know this much. Happiness seems to be evading...is that the right word? And, I'm bored with it already. I rambled on and on to Magnum last night about why don't we do what makes us happy? I mean really? What is stopping us (us meaning just people in general) from being happy? What is stopping me from doing what I want to do with my life? Why do I limit myself?

And, why oh why, does panera feel the need to keep it 40 degrees inside? Sheesh.

179

Midol. Kicks. My. Ass. Dude. I took it because it's all I had in my bag. I have this shoulder pain thingy and so I took two Midol...and now I'm like....doooooohhhhhhhh. Ugh. I was all energetic and excited to blog...and now I'm sitting here at Panera...trying not to nod off. Oy.

And, now I'm going to post so I can get up and stretch or something to maybe get some of the tired out.

178

I have to be done. I don't want to be done. But really, I think it's time.

And, it sucks.

And, I can't understand why. Is it really just that the grass is always greener on the other side? It might be greener but it doesn't taste as sweet?

I just...I'm just not happy.

I'm afraid. Because what if I'm not happy without? What if I go through this metamorphosis and I'm still just unhappy? Is it possible?

All I know for sure, is I'm too worn out to try anymore. Doesn't that suck? To know that I was so excited and so "in" and now I've been worn down to this?

Pathetic, dontcha think?

177

Ten minutes until my guitar class starts. My heart isn't in it tonight because when I left the house, Magnum was being crabby. He wouldn't talk to me and when I tried to tell him good-bye he just wouldn't even look at me. It just makes me sad. No matter what I do or try to do...ugh. I don't understand. Pffttt...story of my life, right?

There's so much to write, but so little time.

I will say this, on the way here tonight I saw a double rainbow. OMG. It was the most colorful rainbow I've ever seen.

Ok, I have to move on to other crap now. Bah.

176

10185
MAT
109
100
M
3.000
Survey of Mathematics
TR
03:30 pm-04:50 pm
24
9
15
0
0
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TBA
09/08-12/23
EISN 110
Gen Ed Mathematics and Liberal Arts

175

(J's are smileys)...

Oy. No blogging makes a girl insane! Not that I wasn’t insane already…but whatev.

So, where to begin?

Tonight I start guitar lessons. I’m excited and a little nervous. I’ve never had any sort of musical training at all. So, it should be interesting. There’s nothing I can’t do (except maybe comprehend some math things!!!), so I know I’ll learn a lot. And it’s a beginner’s class, so there shouldn’t be any big show offs. J

I’m practicing recipes for the Saratoga County Fair. Today I made chocolate chip raspberry muffins. They’re good but I think I added too many chocolate chips. I also think they could use a nut of some sort. Maybe pumpkin seed or almond. Mmmm, yeah, I think pumpkin would work nicely.

So, I, hesitantly, handed over the bills to Magnum. It’s a good thing though. I have faith in him and I know he’ll do it well.

However, since Magnum is in control of the moolah, a trip to Illinois is probably not going to happen. I would love to go. But we had a deal, and I didn’t manage to work out my end of the deal. Maybe we can go at Christmas time instead. Although, half the fun is all of the summery things! And, next year, my vacation is going to be in May, so I can attend my graduation! Whoot! (I’m enrolling in the math class for fall instead of summer.)

In Pawn news…she’s so…snuggly. I hadn’t seen her for about 4 days and when she came in yesterday we were hugging and kissing and it was nice. Comfortable. It felt right. And then, last night, she couldn’t sleep, and every time I would roll or move she’d kiss me on my forehead, or arm, or back. Or she’d play with my fingers or hold my hand. The best part of all of this, is that she wasn’t doing it for me. I was sleeping. Ya know? It was just so tender. She’s always playful and we are always giggling or laughing. And the kissing and stuff is nice, but it’s sorta always playful with her. Guarded maybe? Like, if she’s playful then it’s not serious and she’s “protected” against any feelings she might be having. But, last night, when she thought I didn’t know, she let down her guard. Or, maybe she was just desperately bored. J

And, I’m pretty sure she’s moving in. Ask me in two weeks how I feel about it! J Like I’ve said before, if we look at it as a practicality thing, then it just makes sense. I think Magnum decided to do it on a 30 day trial period??

I just made homemade croutons. They are yummmmers.

So, on Friday, Magnum & I will have been married for 5 years. I will always believe that from the moment of my birth, I was making my way to him. Even if I didn’t know it. I love him. J We should have a party or something.

Ha, JDRW just told one of his friends “get over it”. Ha.

174

Written on May 31st, 2009:

Ok, so, it’s the last day of May and it’s like 30 degrees outside. Well, maybe that’s a little extreme, but it’s damn cold. WTF?

Ok, now I have to pee. So I guess later.

173

Written on May 29th, 2009: (And don't forget, the J's are happy faces!)

I don’t remember what I’ve written about or what I have not written about.

It’s different when I write in Word to copy and paste to my journal later. It’s different because it’s not live? Somehow?

It’s been raining for 3 days. Which makes me want to bake. J Or snuggle. And since I got no snuggle partner during the day, I baked. Oatmeal Raisin, Spritz (which are buttery delicious), and Peanut Butter. And then, I came up with an idea that was inspired by the new M & M’s flavor, Peanut Butter & Strawberry. I made my peanut butter cookies with strawberry preserves filling. They were yummy.

When I sit around the house, I think. Sometimes, that’s good. Sometimes, not so much. J I’m looking around wondering how I can change things up in my house to make it cozier.
NOTE: This is where my friend Angela stopped by and stayed for the day and it is now two days later, so I’m gonna post this and write something new. J

172

It's been brought to my attention that I've double posted something but I don't have time to fix just now...so deal.

Also, I have much to write but no time for writing...so...hopefully I'll get to update soon.

Quickly tho...

Camping was awesome. Dinner with Chica was fun! I baked about...150 cookies & two loaves of bread, and a pan of sweet corn bread and a pot of soup today. Ha. Bored Much?

Oh, and facebook is not letting me log in so I can't post my cute little pic. Bah.

Oh, and one more thing. If you log onto okcupid, you need to log off when you are done. Because if you do not log off, I "sign in" and I think I have mail, so I read mail, only to realize that aforementioned mail is not mine, but yours. But it is about me, and not nice. Oh well, WE all know who the real loser is in that little trio. :)

Ok, really, I must go. I think we are going to watch Doubt tonight.

Oh, and one more thing. Pawn totalled her car. So we haven't seen her since Monday and don't know when we'll see her again. She's ok. She wasn't hurt at all...but her car is fucked so she has to rely on her parents who live 2 hours away. Fun times. Fun times indeed.

171

Juicy Burgers in Geyser. Yum. I had a mushroom & swiss burger, yummy. And their fries are yummmmmmyyyy too. You should totally go there. I think the website is www.juicyburgers.com (but I’m not positive so if you go there and it’s a big booty website…sorry. Or you can thank me later.)

Also, here’s a handy little cleaning tidbit. I use dishwasher gel to clean stuff. Obviously it has bleach so don’t use it to wash your favorite red sheets or your favorite blue hoodie. But I use it to clean the bathroom, and more recently I used it to clean out the cooler. The smell is much more pleasant then regular bleach, and it’s thick so it’s less likely to splash. It also takes stains off of my counter tops, and I used it to clean my white kitchen sink. It’s awesome. Also, if you’ve never used a Magic Eraser, you sooooo need to run out right now and grab ya some. Amazing little sponges.

Also, Pawn and I found these duster things.. They are floor dusters that you wear on your feet like slippers. They are awesome. And the duster parts come off so you can throw them in the wash as needed.

So, Magnum has been saying all along that our car wasn’t big enough to fit our camping stuff in. Well, I keep saying, “we can do it! It’s a challenge, but we can do it.” Except, now that I have most of the stuff gathered up…yeah…unless we tie a few kids to the roof of the Focus, we are sooooooo gonna have a serious challenge on our hands. Srsly.

In other news…

I was attempting to do the healthy thing before camping. So last week I was totally following a low calorie diet. And ended up having an “episode”. I was in bed and around 3am was awoken by some outrageous pain in my chest. It was horrible all night and all the next day. Every time I would take a bite of food, it hurt my chest so bad. I even paid enough attention to know I would take a bite and 10 seconds later the pain would hit. So bad it would bring tears to my eyes. So, I go to the doctor and she says that the valve between my eshophogus and my stomach was irritated so that was the cause of the pain. She gave me Prilosec and I haven’t had any problems since. I just think it’s funny that I’m trying to eat healthy and it bites me in the ass, or in the valve, as it were. I blame the mustard seeds in the spicy mustard I ate. Or it could have been the salsa I nom nom nom’d my way through the night before the episode.

I just ate some frosted shredded wheat and the carbs are kicking my ass. I’m nodding off just sitting here typing.

I washed Pawn’s laundry yesterday. And, oddly enough, I liked it. I liked being the domestic girl. I could so dig staying home while my husband and girl go out to work. J She’s a student (temporarily on hold) and wants to get an engineering degree. A girlfriend who’s an engineer is pretty hot. J

A while back I wrote a blog about trying to hook up Mist & Pawn’s best friend. Let me give him a name…Marty. So, I was trying to hook Mist & Marty up. And we (Magnum, Pawn & I) asked Marty & Mist if they wanted to go out, sort of on a group date, and meet for the first time and just have a blast.

We were all in. Except, of course, Mist. She was so negative about it and thought of every excuse possible to not go. Which pissed me off. She gives this “poor me” attitude and when something good comes her way, she doesn’t even take a shot. So what if she and Marty didn’t hit it off? We’d still all be there just having fun. But, nope, not Mist. So, to be honest, I’m glad she didn’t go because after having met Marty, she doesn’t deserve him. I thought they would have made a great couple. But, if she can’t even take a little chance, then it’s her loss. I felt proud of him, and sorry for her because there was a girl sitting alone and Magnum and I were kinda teasing about why she was alone. And, Marty says “Maybe she’s really nice.” It was so sweet & sincere. And I thought, see Mist! See what you missed! So, now, I’m gonna go out with him. Just on a date w/no romantic or sexual anything. Just a date to hang out. Magnum approved! J

Ok, now I have to go do something productive because I’m at the 90% mark. Magnum always busts on me because I’ll do a job or a chore and almost get it done, but not quite. Like, I’ll clean the whole house, but there’ll just be a sock laying on the living room floor. Or I’ll sweep, and then never pick up the little pile of dust bunnies. (Ney used to help me with this…I’d do 90% and then she’d finish. She’s a good girl. As a matter of fact, since Pawn’s been around I’ve been missing Ney soooo much. I also missed her when we went to Roller Derby the other night…but that’ll be a whole nuther blog.)

Bye for now.

170

Garden. We all know how much I love my garden. Well, usually we plant this huge garden out back. Except this year, I’ve changed it up. At the side of our house there’s an ungrassy spot where Jack’s pool was last year. It’s just a small rectangular space. And, I decided that is where I’m planting. J So, yesterday I planted 5 tomato plants & 4 pepper plants. I’ll probably also plant some zucchini & squash and possibly some cucumbers. I love tight little gardens like that. It’s kinda like the one I had when I lived in Illinois, but smaller. Oh, and I’m “making” a fence out of tree branches, which I really really love. I’ve thought about it in the past, but never actually did it. And yesterday, I was like, why the hell not? So I gathered all of the fallen branches and limbs in our yard and surrounded the garden with them. It still needs more work, but it’s a start.

We are about to go camping, so I’ve been gathering stuff up and making sure it’s all in working order. So, I brought Jack’s life vest up and called him in to try it on. He saw it and said “Oh COOOOOLLLL! Is it a jet pack?” Ha. It was so funny.

Hahahahahahhahahhhhahahahaha. As, I’m writing this, another chica asked me out. J I’m having dinner with her tonight. J Why do I think that’s funny? And, I think that’ll be her “name”. Chica. So Chica and I are going out tonight. I don’t think it’s a date. But, we shall see. J

Oh and just a side note, if you’ve never had Godiva Chocolate, you need to. OMG.



Juicy Burgers in Geyser. Yum. I had a mushroom & swiss burger, yummy. And their fries are yummmmmmyyyy too. You should totally go there. I think the website is www.juicyburgers.com (but I’m not positive so if you go there and it’s a big booty website…sorry. Or you can thank me later.)

Also, here’s a handy little cleaning tidbit. I use dishwasher gel to clean stuff. Obviously it has bleach so don’t use it to wash your favorite red sheets or your favorite blue hoodie. But I use it to clean the bathroom, and more recently I used it to clean out the cooler. The smell is much more pleasant then regular bleach, and it’s thick so it’s less likely to splash. It also takes stains off of my counter tops, and I used it to clean my white kitchen sink. It’s awesome. Also, if you’ve never used a Magic Eraser, you sooooo need to run out right now and grab ya some. Amazing little sponges.

Also, Pawn and I found these. They are floor dusters that you wear on your feet like slippers. They are awesome. And the duster parts come off so you can throw them in the wash as needed.

So, Magnum has been saying all along that our car wasn’t big enough to fit our camping stuff in. Well, I keep saying, “we can do it! It’s a challenge, but we can do it.” Except, now that I have most of the stuff gathered up…yeah…unless we tie a few kids to the roof of the Focus, we are sooooooo gonna have a serious challenge on our hands. Srsly.

In other news…

I was attempting to do the healthy thing before camping. So last week I was totally following a low calorie diet. And ended up having an “episode”. I was in bed and around 3am was awoken by some outrageous pain in my chest. It was horrible all night and all the next day. Every time I would take a bite of food, it hurt my chest so bad. I even paid enough attention to know I would take a bite and 10 seconds later the pain would hit. So bad it would bring tears to my eyes. So, I go to the doctor and she says that the valve between my eshophogus and my stomach was irritated so that was the cause of the pain. She gave me Prilosec and I haven’t had any problems since. I just think it’s funny that I’m trying to eat healthy and it bites me in the ass, or in the valve, as it were. I blame the mustard seeds in the spicy mustard I ate. Or it could have been the salsa I nom nom nom’d my way through the night before the episode.

I just ate some frosted shredded wheat and the carbs are kicking my ass. I’m nodding off just sitting here typing.

I washed Pawn’s laundry yesterday. And, oddly enough, I liked it. I liked being the domestic girl. I could so dig staying home while my husband and girl go out to work. J She’s a student (temporarily on hold) and wants to get an engineering degree. A girlfriend who’s an engineer is pretty hot. J

A while back I wrote a blog about trying to hook up Mist & Pawn’s best friend. Let me give him a name…Marty. So, I was trying to hook Mist & Marty up. And we (Magnum, Pawn & I) asked Marty & Mist if they wanted to go out, sort of on a group date, and meet for the first time and just have a blast.

We were all in. Except, of course, Mist. She was so negative about it and thought of every excuse possible to not go. Which pissed me off. She gives this “poor me” attitude and when something good comes her way, she doesn’t even take a shot. So what if she and Marty didn’t hit it off? We’d still all be there just having fun. But, nope, not Mist. So, to be honest, I’m glad she didn’t go because after having met Marty, she doesn’t deserve him. I thought they would have made a great couple. But, if she can’t even take a little chance, then it’s her loss. I felt proud of him, and sorry for her because there was a girl sitting alone and Magnum and I were kinda teasing about why she was alone. And, Marty says “Maybe she’s really nice.” It was so sweet & sincere. And I thought, see Mist! See what you missed! So, now, I’m gonna go out with him. Just on a date w/no romantic or sexual anything. Just a date to hang out. Magnum approved! J

Ok, now I have to go do something productive because I’m at the 90% mark. Magnum always busts on me because I’ll do a job or a chore and almost get it done, but not quite. Like, I’ll clean the whole house, but there’ll just be a sock laying on the living room floor. Or I’ll sweep, and then never pick up the little pile of dust bunnies. (Ney used to help me with this…I’d do 90% and then she’d finish. She’s a good girl. As a matter of fact, since Pawn’s been around I’ve been missing Ney soooo much. I also missed her when we went to Roller Derby the other night…but that’ll be a whole nuther blog.)

Bye for now.

169

(Note: I am currently using WiFi because my internet is down. Oh, and, I’ll be camping for Memorial Day weekend and there is no electricity, let alone internet, so I will be computer and blogless for 4 days. Also, if you follow my facebook, I’ll still take the pics, but they won’t get posted until I get back.)

(Another note: Smiley faces were lost in translation, and are now just "J". Weird huh? So the random J's are actually smiley faces that I don't want to go back and correct.)

So, it’s been awhile. Mostly due to technical difficulties. Partly due to time constraints.

We are leaving tomorrow for camping. It’s our first camping trip as a family. And, there will be no electricity. No laptop for 4 days. I will be twitching come Monday. But I’m excited, and it’s actually a little frightening, how organized I am. I have lists and more lists. I love making lists and checking things off as I accomplish them!

In other news…

Pawn, has pretty much moved in. So far, she’s great. There’s a comfort in her. And, in past relationships, I would see certain things that I didn’t like, and I would always think, “well, maybe they’ll come around?” but then they just never did. I haven’t had that with her so far. There’s nothing about her that just rubs me the wrong way. And, I usually always find something to complain about! J (Edit: There is one thing…she talks…a lot. A lot. A whole whole lot. Hehe.)

She hasn’t officially moved in. She still has her apartment in Troy. But she’s here just about every night. She and Magnum talked today about her paying us for rent, instead of renting her apartment. It’s a big step, but if I look at it from a practicality point of view, instead of a relationship point of view, it’s not so dramatic. Of course, we had considered Mist moving in before, and we are both so glad we dodged that bullet. I hate to compare the two, but Pawn has it ALL over Mist. There’s a comfort in her that I never even came close to with Mist, even though I tried like hell. And, I never feel like Pawn is trying to get past me to get to Magnum. She’s a very good equalizer.

I know that her actually moving in is going to change the whole dynamic of our family. The Magnum & Me time will be limited. How will it effect the kids? I mean, I don’t think it would be negative, but we won’t know that until we are already in to it. (Pawn and Lee definitely get along well!!!) And, we’ve only known her for a few months. But again, it goes back to the practical side, instead of the romantic side. And, then I think about holidays and how her being here will impact things. There’s definitely a lot to consider.

And, then there’s the family. Like, will we have to eventually tell people we are poly? Or do we just let them think what they like? I’ve never been one to feel as though I have to explain myself or my situation to anyone. And, there’s that fear that family won’t be so happy with the idea, and might not want us around so much. But, if the family is like that, then I would consider it their loss.

And, does it stop with Pawn? She and Magnum have had the “exclusive” talk. She and I have not. She and Magnum have agreed not to see others. She and I have not. I am poly. I don’t think I’ve ever even considered not dating anymore. I’m not very good at that. J As a matter of fact, a girl asked me out for Friday! J But of course, it’s the one Friday I will be out of town! She’s wicked cute though.

And, I’m gonna post this now, so I can ramble on about other stuff in a new blog.

168

(So, apparently I wrote this a while back and never posted it? So here it is.)

Is there even such a thing as "having a good day" anymore? Try try try to have a good day and see if someone doesn't fucking bring you crashing right back into the dirt.


I just don't understand why he can't just get it. It's gotta be a control thing. I barely even talk to men these days. And, when I do talk to one, the fucking world is coming to a goddamned end.


He thinks it pisses me off because he doesn't want me to talk to him. But what pisses me off is that he doesn't trust me. I've been outrageously faithful to him, (even when he wasn't even talking to me for years), and now, for some odd reason, he can't trust me to maintain a friendship with a man? Without it just getting out of control? Unlike others, I do have control of who I do or do not fuck. So, what's the problem?


If chatting with a man gives me some perspective, what's the problem?

167

This is going to be rambly...I just know it. You've been warnedededed. :)

So, Pawn. She's become a semi permanent fixture around here. She adds a sparkle, that's for sure. It's important for me that she stay positive. And, also, it's important that she not let me steam roll her. Because I will...if she lets me. So far she's been awesome at holding her own.

Magnum likes her. :) I like her. Her and Lee (my youngest daughter) have fun. :) It's kinda cute actually how well her and Lee get along. She's good with the younger kids too.

Speaking of Magnum, he's having issues (although I hesitate to use that word but it's all I can think of right now) with Ogre. Sigh. I can't explain it to him so that he understands how un...un...how...what's the word...unpussyhoundish...Ogre is. He's not sneaky. He's not trying to get down my pants. He's not trying to conquer me. He's not just waiting for Magnum's permission so he can jump me. He's just not like that. If Ogre were gay, could I be his friend then? Can we pretend he's a big flamin' homo? Just for friendships sake? I really really want he and Magnum to get along. And, I think they would, if Magnum were willing to try. But as we all know, he doesn't play well with others. He hasn't even met Ogre yet. I also understand his "issues". I get it. Ya know? But, I always ask people to not judge me until they get to know me. I just wish Magnum could do that with Ogre. Oy.

Lately I've been trying to fix my ex Mist up with Pawn's ex. :) They are really really a lot alike in a lot of ways. They are both kinda negative people and I'm hoping that two negatives make a positive. :)

Oh, and, I need a new job. I want a job that lets me travel. Any ideas?

166

Busy weekend much?

I've wanted to write one thing, and haven't been able to fit it in...but...

I have a bruise on my mouth, my upper lip. :) Mmmmm, she's fiesty. :) And, the bruise is only from kissing...can you imagine if we were doing more than kissing? :) Crazy bitch!

165

Quit taking and taking and taking and maybe try giving for fucking once.

164

Every year I make a list of things I want to do. And, then I don't do them. :) I want to quit procrastination. Dammit. I procrastinate and procrastinate and then I either get a rush as I finish up the task "just in time". Or, I end up disappointed.

So, here's a few things I'd like to do this summer:

Enter photography contests at the county fair. (I know it seems simple, but my photography is important to me, and this seems an easy and creative way to display and maybe get some feedback.)

I also would like to enter culinary contests for the fair. I think I make award winning salsa. :)

There are other things, but I'm just gonna mention those for now.

Peace.

163

I just don't understand.

How is it possible for me to still be a disappointment? Especially to the one person...that I don't want to disappoint?

I think I go above and beyond in so many ways. But, it just never seems like enough. It hurts my heart.

162

I know there's so much I should write about. Except...for some reason...:)...I'm exhausted.

I haven't had a lot of time to process yet. Once I process and organize my thoughts, I'll write more.

For now I just say this...

She's intelligent. Like, brainy. She's knows stuff about stuff. :) I likes.

She's certainly energetic. She talks constantly. :) I have to say "are you stillll talking?" to her sometimes. :)

She doesn't back down from me. The other day I was telling her about an insecurity I had, and she was like "oh deal with it". :) You go girl.

And, the Toga Farmer's Market opens this weekend. Anyone wanna go with me?

We also have our annual shoot this weekend...which I have not practiced for AT ALL. Oy.

And, I'm hungry. So maybe more later.

161

As I mentioned in my last blog, there was some anxiety, and I expressed it to Magnum.

But as soon as she got here, and I heard her voice and her laugh, my anxiety just melted away. She's like a burst of sunshine. :) (Lemon Starburst comes to mind?) And she's fucking sweet. And she fits. She fits right in with us both.

I guess I know that most of my anxiety comes from my own insecurity. It doesn't make it easier, but maybe it'll help me understand.

I'm sure I'll have more to write later. But right now there's a snuggly chick in my bed, and I think she's lonely. :)

160

So, we are having a sleep over. And, I have anxiety about it. Let me explain. :)

During our last relationship with a girl, she would sleep over and then when I would get up in the morning, she and Magnum would engage in extracurriculars. And, I always thought I would be fine, but I never really was. And, I don't want to do that this time. I want to understand why I feel that way, and what I need to do to not feel that way.

I've been trying to get to the bottom of why I feel like this. It's not like they haven't done this sort of thing before (both in my prescence & not). So, where does this anxiety come from? Is it a control thing?

I'm proud of myself for talking to Magnum about it though. Before I just would have suppressed, and then blown up later. So for the last few hours, I've been having this anxiety and I decided to talk to Magnum. And, just talking about it helped a little bit. I don't think he likes it. But, all I know is to express my feelings, and work on them together. I actually think he's a wee bit pissy about it. And, I really don't want it to be like that. I want to express how I feel, and then I want to work through it. (Of course, he says HE doesn't have anything to work through because he has no restrictions on me. Except, the one restriction there is, is the only restriction that would cause him to "feel" any way near what I'm feeling. Does that make sense? I think he can't imagine my fears or anxieties because I'm not sleeping with men. He says, he doesn't want to have these fears or anxieties and that's why he has a problem with me sleeping with men. Am I making any sense at all? Or does anyone really care what I'm writing?)

Don't get me wrong. When they are together, it makes me happy. Very happy. But then, I get all anxious.

I don't NOT want there to be a relationship between them, so why does this make me feel the way I feel?

And it's not new. I did it with Mist, and I did it in my last triad relationship. And, I don't want to do it anymore.

I am not versed in the ways of a poly relationship, so I am just learning how to deal with the particulars.

Now that I've rambled on for 18 pages (extra points for anyone who knows what that line is from)...I'm gonna go clean something.

159

So I need to vent. This is my blog and if you don't want to hear me complain or whine or vent then just don't fucking read.

That having been said...

I'm bothered because I asked if I could mention Magnum's name in a different profile of mine, because men keep tagging me, and I'd rather they didn't. So, I figured if I put a little blurb in that mentioned his screen name, maybe they would get the clue. So, I suggested this to Magnum. And he was totally against it. Which, offended me? Maybe? I dunno. Then I started thinking, well it's probably just because he doesn't want other women to be able to check me out, as I have a habit of "stealing" his women. :) Except, soon after, he thanked and mentioned another woman on his blog. So....ugh.

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why should that bother me? Why does it not bother me if he fucks someone else, but it bothers me if he showers with her? Sigh. I'm working on it. I'm trying to work it through in my head so that it doesn't make me crazy. Any suggestions or feedback would be awesome!

158

I need balance. Let me explain. (As if you have a choice!) :)

I just need...attention. Geez, that sounds shallow or needy. But, I don't want all of the attention, I just want (and need) a sliver of your attention now and then. I know there's a lot going on. I know there's all of this excited energy. But sometimes I just need you to look back down here, and give me your undivided attention. If you DVR a show, and you are watching it, and I want to talk to you...I mean really...is it so hard to pause the fucking tv so that I can talk to you? Instead of sighing and giving me a look like I'm just plain ol' bothering you? Especially, if I've spent a majority of my weekend cooking and cleaning with a four year old running around. I might just need a minute or two of your attention to remind me what a conversation that doesn't revolve around cheezit's and tricycles feels like.

That's all I got for now.

157

I was told that I do this. I do this with new girls. And, I always say, but this time it's different. And then, 3 weeks down the road, I'm like "eh". And, maybe that's the truth. But, this is different in that I really really didn't think I would be into her. And, now she's all I can think about.

On our first date, we went to Chili's. And if you've ever been to Chili's with me, you know I salt each chip individually. So, on Friday, she and I and Magnum went to Chili's and as soon as they sat the basket of chips on the table, she put the salt right in front of me. It's THAT kinda simple stuff that I like. She remembered that little detail. I think she had me there. Is that weird?

I am a whack job. But we all knew that already, right?

156

Sigh.

Tingle.

Sigh.

Breathe.

Tingle.

I want.

Stomp.

Now!

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Yeah, I was screaming like a girl. :) I walked up my steps to my bedroom earlier and as I got about half way up, I saw this black shadow out of the corner of my eye. So I stop, and look and then swooping around my room. A bat. :) Now, I'm not necessarily afraid of bats, but it caught me by surprise, so I went squealing down the steps screaming at Magnum. He's like what what what?????

Anyway, long story short...Magnum ended up going to the basement and getting a fishing net and bringing it upstairs and letting him go back outside. He was so cute and furry when he was in the net, but when he was flying around the room he looked like a damn pterodactyl.

But he flew away all safe and sound. :)

I can't even imagine if we would have been in bed, and the fucker started swooping around the room. I see me screaming and hiding under the blankets and saying "did you get it yet, did you get it yet?"

I'm going to bed now because Pawn kept us up and out until 4am...ugh.