Creamy.

It's no wonder I have to take drugs to help me sleep with the way Magnum snores.  Good lawd.  I decided to not take them last night, because we got to bed late, and because I think they are making me wicked groggy during the day.  But I've been awake for about an hour now...and I probably could have fallen back to sleep if it weren't for his royal snoring highness up there.

We saw Girl With A Dragon Tattoo tonight.  The movie itself, with a few scenes, disturbed me.  I'm not so sure those scenes, with such a graphic nature, were necessary for the telling of the story...but still they were there.  It kinda makes me sick to my stomach.  I had no idea what the movie was about before we saw it, I only knew that Rooney Mara was in it, and although I'm not familiar with her work, I love her sister Kate Mara.  So, anyway, Rooney Mara should win an award or three for her portrayal of this character.  She was incredible.  I loved her, but I won't see the movie again simply because it fucked me up in the head.  Yeah, yeah, even more so than usual.

In other news, Panera Bread Company, whose origins are in St. Louis-of course-and was originally called St. Louis Bread Company-has THE best tomato soup I've ever partaken of.  It's soooo good.  And, I just spent about 1/2 hour looking for pictures of it, but then I started reading copy cat recipes and now my stomach is literally growling for more.  I've never been a fan of tomato soup, but this creamy tomato of theirs is divine.  If we go out tomorrow I'm having another bowl.

And, on the yummy note, I think I am sleepy enough to go back to sleep...but not back to bed.  I'm on the couch and he's still snoring insanely.  :)  

Cya.

Wow, last night was rough.  Magnum made some remark as I was climbing into bed about how I mess up a bed so bad, so I stormed downstairs and cleaned the bathroom whilst crying my head off.  Dude, srsly?  O, well.  It's been a rough week.

I sent about 5 resumes to different companies today.  A few I'm really interested in.  I will not be sad to see this year go.  It's been rough.  2012 is a much better number than 2011 was anyway.

I've already created my new blog.  It's going to be more informative and less personal and whiny.  Thank eggs for that.

I guess I won't be going home for my mother's birthday, although I'm going to try like hell.  Maybe for my birthday I can get a plane ticket to her birthday?  Ha!

I'm still waiting for my grades from the fall semester.  I'm going crazy waiting.  I have no idea when to even expect them.  I'm also considering taking a two week course in January for Excel.  But that would hinder any job prospects...but isn't it customary to give employers a two week notice before moving into a new job?  So what difference would it make if I had to finish two weeks of school?  The class starts on January 3.

I'm having a date with Magnum tonight.  I'm half excited half not.  I mean, we do the same ol' thing and when I suggest something out of the box he whines.  So, we do the same thing.  But it's better than no thing, right?

Country.

I watched Sweet Home Alabama to cheer myself up...but it just made me miss home more.

You can take the girl outta the country, but you can't take the country outta the girl.

I'm sad.

Oral.

OH MY GOD.  I don't know if it's that time of year, or time of month or wtf is going on but I swear I'm on the verge of a nervous fucking break down.

I was supposed to be taking JDRW to his Tae Kwon Do class tonight and in this stupid fucking state I got lost.  I HATE it.  I never fucking found it and I had to just come home.

Now I'm home but I'm still so fucking irritated I could scream.

I also just fucking realized that I've been writing excellent written and oral communication skills instead of verbal. WTF is wrong with me.  I'm goddamn losing it.

I hate this state.  I'm here only because of Magnum and that hardly seems fucking fair.

My head is going to explode but at least I won't be stressed.

LastWeek.

The week between Christmas and New Year's is the hardest week of the year for me.  Especially this year.  I need a job.  But I don't just want a job, I want to do something that makes a difference.

Physically I have felt crappy this week.  No idea why...maybe just the no job, no money thing is getting to me.

I just feel so completely blah.  Maybe it's no school, no job, Christmas is over, no snow.  I haven't been able to do a fucking thing since Christmas.  Just laze around.  I can't get motivated to do anything.  When JDRW goes back to school I'll be working with Magnum, which is good.  But it seems soooo far away.

Maybe I'm not supposed to do anything this week.  Maybe I'm just supposed to chill, relax, hang out with JDRW.  JDRW isn't ready for the tree to come down, so I'll leave it up until New Year's Day.

This Christmas could also be the last Christmas I have with Teenager 2 for a while since he's joining the Air Force on January 11th.  Sigh.

I know it will all come together.  I know that it'll all click into place.  But this me I am right now, is not a good me.

And I have a huge pimple on my forehead.  :)  Grrrr.

Booked.

Hmmm, so I saw Skye's girlfriend today at the mall.  Not at all what I expected.  At all.  I'm sooo different from her.  I said to Magnum, she's got nothing on me.  And Magnum said, yes she does, Me.  

In other news...

I got all of my shopping done today.  Except stocking candy, which I'm going to have Magnum do tomorrow when he's out shopping for me.  :)  I'm happy with what I've gotten.  Yay!

I sent a copy of my book to my mother.  It was supposed to be sent for Mother's Day but I never got it in the mail so I sent it to her in the Christmas box to Illinois.  Now, here's the best part.  My brother "gets" it.  He gets the poems.  He won't even let my mother have her book back because he wants it.  They've called me 3 times raving about my book.  It makes me feel good.  :)  As a matter of fact, my brother has actually had to explain the meanings of some of the poems to my mother.  :)  He's a song writer so I should have known he'd love it.

And, finally...my favorite show ever is Big Bang Theory.  I'm addicted.

98.

I love routine.  I love doing certain things on certain days.  I don't do routine, but I wish I did.  Like, grocery shop on Mondays, cook chicken for dinner every Wednesday...that sort of thing.

I'm about 25% done with getting the house ready for Christmas.  But by 6 o'clock tonight I'll be 98% done.  There's always that 2%.  I might spend the evening making homemade no bake cookies since my oven is still broken.  But you'd be amazed at how many different cookies and candies you can make without an oven.  And, I love it that it makes me be creative.

I'm not even close to done with shopping, but I've got it all in my head...all the things I still need to buy.  As a matter of fact, I'm going to type up my shopping list right now.  I love lists!

But first, just let me say this:  I see from afar a relationship that goes like this.  She said she's in a relationship, but the other doesn't.  She brags her relationship all over, but the other doesn't.  I just think one is into it way more than the other.  I'm just sayin.

O, and I've also witnessed something recently that I find rather odd.  When certain women are away from their men they are these strong outspoken phenomenal people.  But when they are present with their men, suddenly they are these meek, undecided, weaklings.  It's just such an odd thing to me.

HoMade.

I missed Skye for the first time today.  Just in a friend way...mostly.  I miss her arms.  :)  But mostly I just miss hanging out with her and feeling comfortable.  I don't feel that comfortable around anyone who I'm not either related to, or married to.  :)  She was just so cozy.

I made homemade Thin Mint cookies tonight.  OMG.  They are yummo and the easiest thing ever.

Wow, the whole 70's Farrah Fawcett look is coming back.  I love it.  Or maybe it's been "in" for a while and I'm just now getting the memo. (Haha, that link is from 2009...so maybe it's just now reaching the east coast?)

The semester is over.  I feel like I can breathe again.  I've been applying for jobs.  Magnum says he might have some work for me, and another local guy might need some help with his company.  Which is exactly what I want to do.  I'd love to help a company start up.

Still no snow here in upstate.  :(  But it did finally get reallllly cold.  I did some Christmas shopping today.  And, I'm almost done already.

And I'm distracted by this new game show called You Deserve It.

AtLast.

You've heard the story before, but I never get tired of telling it.  Very soon after my dad died, my younger brother was in my dad's bedroom, and the radio came on...we still don't know why it came on...maybe it was an alarm clock radio and it was set.  But, what we do know is that the radio came on and the lyrics my brother heard, (before he nearly ran from the room with fear), were, "here we are in heaven, and you are mine at last".  Before then I had never heard of Etta James or the song At Last.  I researched and found out who it was.

Today on the news they said Etta James was sick with cancer and dying.

Maybe she can sing to my dad in person.  Maybe they'll sing together.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q2rZb7E0EY&feature=related

Couch.

I miss my family.  I'm sick today with a sore throat and I'm home alone and it's raining outside and I just miss being able to go to my mothers and eat soup and sleep on the couch.  I also miss them because Christmas is literally right around the corner.  I just want to sleep so I don't miss them.

The job search is sucky so far.  I've applied to a few places and haven't heard back from any of them yet.

And, just writing this little bit has worn me out.  So back to bed I go.

AlmostOver.

It's finally getting cold here in upstate.  Not enough snow for my liking tho.  I hope we have a white Christmas.  Because if it's going to be cold, snow makes it all worth it.

2 more days.  Just 2 more days of the semester.  I have A's in 3 of my classes.  No telling what I got in Spanish. I fell behind somewhere in that class and never caught back up.  I emailed the instructor about it.  We shall see how that turns out.

I'm changing my major, again.  For two reasons.  The more time I spend with kids, the more disgusted I am.  Not really at the kids, but at their parents.  If your kid has a nasty disgusting runny nose, for fucks sake keep him home from basketball practice on Saturday morning.  Every kid in that gym, and every kid in that elementary school has the potential to touch that basketball that your nasty kid is snotting all over.  And, if your kid has a nasty pink watery slimy eye...for fucks sake...keep them home you fucking loser!  Ok, enough about that.  The second reason is this:  when I think about what I enjoy doing more than anything-besides that you pervs-it would be working for people.  I love someone to say "Hey, you think you could do this?".  I'm really go at that sort of thing.  Letter writing, note taking, making appointments, finding stuff online, ordering things, making reservations.  Personal assistant, clerical, secretarial stuff.  So, I'm changing to Business Administration.  Plus, it can be done completely online.  Of course, this all depends on Pell and whether that will pay for an Associate of Applied Science Degree in Business Administration.

In other news...still stressing about Christmas.  Not as much as I was...but still it's there.

And, that's all I got for right now.  I'm just kinda chillin.  Oh, and job hunting like a crazy woman.  Srsly.  I need a job in the worst way!  Sigh.

Look.

What do you think of the new look of the blog?

I'm distracted by Kathie Lee and Hoda.  I love them because they are always so giggly and they don't act all snobby.  

Today is a good day.  We put our xmas tree up over the weekend.  It's a big awkward thing we cut right out of our own woods...but I love it.  The star on top is slightly crooked.  I love the ambiance of the tree.  I'm sitting here eating my breakfast, watching Kathie Lee and Hoda in the glow of the tree.  It's sooo cozy.

I only have 5 more days of school.  I made it.  I'm actually afraid to say that because there are 5 more days, but I made it!  :)  As you all know the fall kicks my ass, and I made it.  I had a few really rough weeks, but I think I'm over the hump.  It is good.

Christmas is looming on the horizon, which I'm still a little bit worried about.  But it always comes together just fine, so I'm not going to fret.

My mother's birthday is in January.  She'll be 60, and there's going to be a party.  It is my goal to go to Illinois for her birthday.  It would be grand if we could all go.  Flying is too expensive, but if we had a reliable vehicle, we could drive out.  Of course, JDRW & Teenager 2 both have perfect attendance so far this year, and I'll hate to screw that up.

In other news...

I'm not seeing Skye anymore.  It was bound to happen.  And here's something that was unexpected.  I like her girlfriend.  Like seriously.  There was a little misunderstanding the other day but once I actually communicated with her, I was impressed.  So you go Skye!  I'm still not happy about how Skye handled some stuff, and I'm not a fan of her little white lies...but overall it's a good situation.  I'm thankful for the half a minute I had with her.

Coming in January, I'm going to create a new blog page with more informative stuff.  Like, recipes, crafty stuff, organization tips.  I'm excited.  It'll launch on January 1st.  I'll post a link when I have one.

And, that's all I got for now.  I'm going to do some more decorating.

Lack.

I know it's silly and very materialistic (?) but I can't get into the holiday spirit when I don't have money.  I'm so stressed out about money, or lack there of, that the thought of putting up a tree just makes me panic.  I hate it.  And, it's the same every year.  It doesn't get better.  Same shit, different year.  I read about all of these people out shopping for gifts, meanwhile I'm sitting at home wondering how I'm going to afford any gifts at all.  My fault for going back to school instead of getting a job.  But school will be over in 6 days, and I can start working again.

I have applied for two evening shift positions, which would work for now I guess.  But I won't get to see JDRW at all.

Sigh.

Bullet.

Ha.  I just got a message from the girl Skye is seeing saying "Please leave her alone."

First I just have to say REALLY?  Are you kidding me?  Skye couldn't have told me that?  Or is Skye just giving the girl the impression that I'm bugging her and I won't leave her alone so she had to call in the girl to strong arm me?

It's neither here nor there.  I answered the girl honestly...she can choose to believe me or not.

I'm not fb friends with Skye anymore.  I won't be seeing her.   This morning I missed her.  Now, I'm thinking I dodged a bullet.

Man.

For the record, I will never marry a man again.  Never.  Ever.  Again.

Dye.

I miss Skye.  I know it's stupid, but I miss her like I'd miss a sister or a cousin.  It sucks.

In other news...

I had a freakin' cat scan on Monday.  Holy freakin' cow.  That 400 gallons of chalk you have to drink before hand...was impossible.  Oy.  And, I literally have a mini panic attack when they turn on the machine.  I think about all of the horror stories about people getting killed while in machines like that.  And the dye they put in makes me feel like I'm going to suffocate.  Grrr.  And, I always ask that they not put that tape on me because it gives me a rash...well I was feeling so crappy from the whole experience that when she took out the IV, I forgot to tell her not to put the tape on:

Now class is starting...more later.

Metamorphosis.

I feel like I'm losing my grip, and it makes me panic.  I'm slipping away from what I've clung to for so long.  It's a metamorphosis of sorts.  It's like those few seconds after the Novocaine when I feel like I'm going to fall out of the chair and pass out...and at the last second I recover and everything is fine and I come out of the office better than when I went in.  That's how I've felt the past couple weeks.  Like, I'm losing my grip...but I have to to get better.

It makes me nauseous when I think about the changes that are going to take place in my life.  While at the same time I know it's all for the better.

I'm 98 percent sure I'll be visiting Illinois in January for my mothers 60th birthday party.  Yay!

My head aches.  I need to go back to bed.  

Goosed.

O Good Lord.  The line about honkin' like a goose is great.  I actually laughed out loud.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kids-your-mother-is-ready-to-start-fucking-again,11517/

Pain.

What can be said that I haven't already said a thousand times over?

Let's get the particulars out of the way.  Yesterday Skye asked me to come over.  Before I went, I asked her what her mood was.  She said "sad, wanna be comforted, kissed".  Mmm, ok.  I can do that.  I reminded her that her girl would be home soon.  She told me she wouldn't see her until Tuesday.  I told her I could fill in until then.  She told me she didn't want me to feel like I was a fill in.  So, fuck me if I take that wrong.  To me, all of that sounds like come over, comfort me, kiss me, and you aren't just a fill in-you mean something to me.

Except when she tells her girl that I'm staying over, the girl gets pissy about it, and Skye pretty much tells me I can't touch her.

I'm not going to go into detail, because it's pretty sucky for me, but I will say that I decided last night that I'm not seeing her anymore.  I can't stand all of the lies and she said she said crap.  I just didn't realize until last night that the girl doesn't know Skye's still seeing me.  I hate being that little secret that no one knows about and everyone hates.

So, sad sucky day for me.

Then last night, I see a picture on facebook of my grandma.  And it breaks my heart and I sit right there on Skye's couch with tears streaming down my cheeks (which she never noticed) because I miss my family so fucking much it hurts.  I hate it sooo much that I am missing birthdays and milestones and holidays with my family.  Magnum doesn't even see his family who lives right here.  Meanwhile, I miss my family so much that it hurts.  The obvious answer is to move back to Illinois.  But if I did that I'd have to do it without Magnum.  My chest hurts just pondering it all.  God dammit it fucking sucks.

Add to all of that this miserable pain I've had in my side since last Wednesday-and well it's just the icing on the cake I suppose.

I'm winter cleaning, which is overwhelming and unfun and frustrating because no one helps me.

So there's my whine for today.

I miss her already.

SkyeHigh.

Coming down from my Skye high is no fun at all.  After the high wears off I start to think that maybe there really isn't anything there from her side of things.  Maybe she's just being nice.  Maybe she just really wanted green bean casserole.  She's said things to me that make me believe she likes having me around.  I like to think that she thinks of me when I'm not with her.  I told her I was going to stop seeing her one time, and she said please don't stop seeing me.  I was like awwweeee.

But she really sends such mixed messages.  I'm sure she isn't honest with her "friend" about how she feels about me-whatever those feelings may be.  Even if it were so simple as, I like hanging out with Rumor, she makes me feel good.  I just don't think Skye is secure enough to say something like that.  I also don't think she's been honest with me about how she feels about her "friend".   But at the same time, how can I expect her to be honest with me, when I don't even think she's being honest with herself.

This is what I think sometimes...and it's the same thing as last time when she started dating her ex.  She wants to be in a relationship.  She wants to have a girlfriend as it makes her feel worthy(?).  So she let's people believe she's happy...but if you got to the core of her...to her soul...there's Hope floating on a half deflated life raft.

It's scary to stand up for what you believe.  It's scary to stand up to people you love and say you know what, I know you guys won't like it but I'm seeing or dating or in a relationship with Rumor.   She makes me happy, I'm content, and I would love it if you could be supportive of my choices.   

I'm not saying she should not see the "friend" and choose to see me exclusively...although that would be incredible.  All I'm saying is I wish she could be really honest about how she feels.

Or maybe she doesn't feel that way about me at all and she really wishes I'd leave her alone.  Grrrr.  Women are so goddamn complicated.  :)   Of course, I'm just as guilty of this as anyone.  I want her to be honest with me about how she feels...but if she doesn't feel like she wants me, I'd rather not know and continue to pretend like she does.  Dammit.  I'm such a girl.

ContentlyCraving.

I am attracted to her soul.  I know there are some people who are going to think I need to be bitch slapped back into reality...and perhaps it does sound insane, but it's the only way I can explain it.

Her soul is amazing and if she could let that get to the surface, she'd be such an amazing happy girl.  But all of that good stuff in her soul gets distorted on it's way to the surface.  Does anyone but me understand that?

I've always been attracted to people with old souls.  Skye's isn't old, it's bright and white and glowing...but it's muted by all of the stuff in her head and her heart.  With her head she worries too much, and her heart is a flitty little thing like a butterfly.  But if she ever manages to muddle through the muck-and really lets her soul guide her-omg.  I don't even think I could handle it.

I haven't felt that content is so long.  Warm and content and cozy.  If you know me, you know content is what I crave more than anything.

I got a little choked up last night at her apartment-I don't even think she noticed.  But I hate Thanksgiving in NY.  It always feels so cold and lonely for me.  I miss my dad.  I miss my family-my brothers and cousins.  And, being with her last night made me feel good...and content.

I don't think she gets it.  I doubt she ever will.   Someday she might, when she's older.  Until then...I'll just continue to admire from afar.  :)

Unfinished.

Autumn fucks me.  Since the end of September, I have 8 blog postings that I never finished or published.  I just start, get about 2 or 3 sentences in, and then flake out.

Hahaha, and I just almost left this one the same way.

Time to do something.  I've been awake for an hour and a half and I'm still not fucking tired.  Grrrr.

Begin?

Obviously I'm doing something wrong.  History keeps repeating itself with the same outcome.  I want history to repeat itself with a new outcome.

I'm still here, when I need to be there.

I'm still stuck in the same hole, still trying to dig myself out, and still failing miserably.

Hope keeps me afloat.  I'm not so sure I like hope these days.  Then again, if I didn't have hope to keep me afloat, I might drown in reality.

So, if I take all that is wrong, and write it down, do you think I could fix it?  Or do you think I'd simply look at the list, get overwhelmed and go back to bed?

It's time to do something different.  But where do I begin?

Titleless.

How is it when I'm needy, I'm all alone?

Missed.

I try not to celebrate death dates.  As a matter of fact, sometimes I'd rather just forget them.  But, then I spend a week being sad and crabby and tired, and I remember why this time of year is so hard for me.

On November 14, 2003 at 9:50pm, my dad died.  It was the saddest day of my life.  Sometimes I feel stupid because I still cry because I miss him.  We buried him on the 3rd Monday in November.

Even tho I try not to remember the day he died, because it hurts so much, I always find myself feeling sad and alone on this day.

I miss him.

Nevermind.

Funny how quickly things change, and you don't even know why.

I also don't really enjoy unrealiablity.  Kinda sucks.

I want to go out with Izzy.  But when I think about it, I just can't.  Maybe soon, but not yet.

I'm sad, it sucks.

And, that's really all I got for now.

Princess.

I have to make a damn princess.  Grrrr.  I'm very creative, but not very artistic.  I think I'll create the illustrations for the book with basic shapes.  I can do a bird with all circles...I've already done one.  I'll have to do a rooster, a duck and an owl.  A princess, a queen, a castle and maybe some trees and grass and pebbles?  I can do it. Right?  Yes, yes I can.

Spanish is kicking my ass.  Grrrr.  I just don't have the capacity to grasp it right now.  I'm trying tho.

And my hips hurt.  :(

How pathetic am I?  :)

Mmmm...I just remembered I have a pomegranate to eat.  Maybe that'll cheer me up.

Whacked.

You know what, fuck you and your too attached shit.  I'm not fucking attached.  I just fucking like you, a lot.  But that's never been a secret.  Attached sounds needy.  I'm not needy.  I don't need you.  I want you.  Don't you see the difference?   I like it when I see something while I'm out shopping and I want to buy it for you because I know you'd love it.  I like it when you send me stupid sweet texts.  I like your little round head.  If that is what you think is being too attached...then fuck me I guess you are right.

So there.  Yes, I do think I just stuck out my tongue.

I'm not delusional.  I know you'll never choose me...no matter if you were into me or not.  You can't choose me because other people won't accept that and that is what motivates you.  I get it.  Still sucks tho.  :)  It sucks that I can't even get you to try.  I guess I do get obsessed about that part because I just get so gggrrrrr about the fact that you aren't even willing to try.

Then she goes and gets her hair cut.  :)

And here's the part where my stupid higher consciousness comes in.  Even tho I rant and rave about how you need to give me a chance...I know that maybe she is the better choice...but even as I write that, I'm not so sure I truly believe it.  She's right as in...she can give you all of her and you can bring her to Thanksgiving with you and your family will all smile and say how much they love her.  And, you'll smile and seem happy.  I just think that deep down, if you were honest with yourself...it might be different.

Then again, maybe I'm just a complete whack job.  :)

Out.

I have to take my contacts out.  Don't let me forget to take my contacts out.

Wow.  That was an amazing night.

I have a new favorite, and when I get more info I'll post a link.  Absolutely amazing!

And a quick note:  Skye posted a pic of her and her girl...wow, they are a hot couple.  :)

And, now I have to go to bed...but not before I take out my contacts.

Higher.

I've never written my blog for or to anyone.  It's for me.  I haven't been writing some stuff for fear of offending people...but ya know what...if you don't like what you read, don't read.

I guess I'm not the dating type.  I don't know how to do it.  I guess for me dating leads to a relationship, and I don't know how to date without that ending.  I also don't do things half way.  I guess I over step or over share or over want.  I just don't know where the line is that shouldn't be crossed.  I don't know where it goes from being wooing to being stalking.

I guess the problem is, it's not a relationship.  I have to remember that.  It's a her having fun and me being there for it.

Now having said all of that...

I don't answer to other people.  I never have, I never will.  If you don't like my girlfriend, too bad.  I won't let you dictate who I can and can not see just because you have some stupid fucking hang up.  Usually those that are trying to dictate have a control issue.  Back the fuck up, leave it alone.  

People are so black and white.  People have been so programmed to believe things are and should be a certain way that they can't even begin to see (or even try to see) things different than what they've been programmed with.  I guess, I see things from some sort of higher consciousness.  I see things...simpler.  I don't worry about what everyone else thinks.  If it makes you  happy, and it isn't hurtful or illegal or harming anyone...then fucking grab it.  My problem is, I grab it...but it's been programmed not to be fucking grabbed. :)  It's all good.

I'm sorry I don't know how to be unattached.  To me being unattached, is simply not being attached AT ALL.  I tend not to feel secure enough to hold on by a string.  I need a fucking heavy duty rope.  Sometimes, I know, it feels like I'm wrapping that rope around your throat.  But I don't mean to.  I honestly just don't know how to do things.  I also just don't know what you want.  And, the easiest thing for me to do is just give up.  I don't want to give up.  I hate it when I feel stupid because I think I know what you want, and then I realize I don't.  I think this is why I can't do this sort of thing.  In a relationship you know, just by the agreement of being in a relationship, that it's all good.  There's a security in that.  

I guess I see things differently.  I see what could be.  But I see things from this stupid higher consciousness and I get so frustrated when others can't.  I get so frustrated because I KNOW, and other people won't even try.

It's not the first time.  Won't be the last.  

Thanks.

10 Things I'm Thankful For This Season!

1.  Sleep.  :)
2.  Warmth.
3.  Sheryl
4.  Chips & Salsa with friends
5.  <3
6.  Air freshener
7.  Honesty
8.  Cute toes
9.  Ham
10.  Being dry

Uncanny.

Breaking Dawn was amazing.  Srsly.  I can't wait to go see it again.

I don't like liars, just sayin.

The weekends suck for me these days.  Being a hunters widow wouldn't be so sucky if I had a girlfriend to entertain me.  :)  I need one of those.

The question was asked of me:  Do you love him?  Are you in love with him?  I think I'd answer yes to both of those.  I'd also say that I can love and be in love with more than one person at a time.  I will say, I don't like him sometimes.  His attitude sucks, but I understand why most of the time.  I have this uncanny ability to stay positive in the crappiest situations, which I think is almost a super power.  One of my ex's reminded me:  He's not a jerk, he's just misunderstood.  :)

I'm rockin' in school, fyi.  Tonight I'm in charge of the bake sale at FMCC.  I'm pretty sure I have straight A's.  Except maybe Spanish.  :)

I was going to have lunch with Izzy this afternoon, as no one requested that I not.  However, I think my schedule is too busy today.  

I guess that's all I got right now.  It's boring and non passionate but I am refusing to do another Skye blog.  It's not easy.

Crack.

I've decided, after much thought, to go out with Izzy this weekend.

I have refrained from doing so, because I want Skye.   But, I think Skye has made it abundantly clear that she can't won't isn't interested in a relationship with me.  I want her to tell me she doesn't want me to date...I don't expect her to...but I want her to.

Anyway, Izzy took some time off for thinkin'.  And now she's back and she wants to play.  She wanted to play tonight, but I have too much going on for playin' this week.  (Although, I think I'm playin' with Skye tomorrow night-she's the exception to all of my fucking rules apparently.)

I'm picky about the girls I date.  Really really picky.  I haven't dated in over 2 years...not because no one wants to date me, but because I haven't found anyone worth dating.  Then Skye comes back, and I think maybe I might get the chance to have her, just for a while...just long enough to know her, to explore her, to show her how it could be, if she'd just let it be.

She knows what I think and what I want and how I feel.  I have no clue about her.  Except at this point, I'm pretty sure she's not going to give me the chance to show her.

I can't imagine getting hivey or butterflies from another woman, like I do with Skye.  But, I guess I've got to try.

So, this post was supposed to be about my upcoming date with Izzy, and instead I've rambled on about Skye.  WTF?  And, in my head I just said (I may have even said it out loud) why the fuck is it Skye?  What is it about her?

A list:

I love the way she is, when she doesn't now I'm watching her.
I love the way her mouth is open just a little bit, when she's thinking really hard.  :)
I love her perfect little head.  Seriously.  She has the most perfect little round head.
I love how she talks baby talk when she gets nervous.
I love that she's insecure, but she acts like she's not.
I love her big shoes.
I love that she carries a jug of juice with her, and chugs right from the jug.
I love the little squeal she makes when I touch her.
I love that I'm comfortable around her (usually).
I love that she loves her family, but she still hides stuff from her parents.
And I love that she was so excited about her baby rats that she said this:  "Ohhh they are so amazing.  My crack is hanging out and I don't even care."  Hahahaha.

And I'm stopping there because I think I could go on forever.

FairyTales.

AFTERNOTE:  Ha...I write and then before I publish I want to say something:    I write about her a lot, not because she's all there is, but because she's the hardest for me to process within my own head.  So I come here to write it out.  My life is good.  I'm not sitting in the corner sucking my thumb waiting for her extremely beautiful self to come and rescue me.  It's not like that.  Life is good.  It could just be a wee bit better, with her in it.  And, while I'm saying that, I'd also like to mention that she fulfills something in me, that Magnum doesn't, which makes me like Magnum more...if that makes any sense.  Like there's a hole (shut up pervs), that he tries to fill, but can't...and she does.  So with both of them in my life, I feel good.  Whole.  And, that is why I come here to write stuff like the following.  :)

She makes my arms feel good.  Isn't that odd?  Here's where that thought is coming from...

The past couple times I saw Skye, she was distant.  She says she's just taking things slow, and in the back of my mind I'm thinking "since when??"  I'm also thinking that it has less to do with taking it slow, and more to do with the other girl she's seeing.  I'd much rather her tell me the truth than to drag me along...ya know?

So, anyway, a couple nights ago I was wondering this:  What would it take for her to just go for it with me?  What could I say to her, or offer her, that would make her go, "Yes, let's do this.  Let's date exclusively and see how I like it."  Truth be told, I'm not sure there's anything I could offer.  But I think I would, if I could.  On the flip side of that, I'm sure that's also true with the other girl.  Here's the part that sucks to be me...Skye will pick the other girl.  I like to fantasize that she chooses me instead, but I know that's a fairy tale.  But don't we all kinda still wish, just a little, that fairy tales do come true?

I want to tell her she'd be choosing the wrong girl.  But, you can't do that.  In my head, I can see a future with Skye in it.  However, I think in her head, she barely sees me in her present.  And, I don't know the other girl. Maybe she's pure perfection and the best thing that could ever happen to Skye.  I personally don't believe that to be the case, just based on the basic knowledge I do have.  I also can't say that I'd expect anyone to think I'd be the best thing to ever happen to her.

Grrr.

So I drove by a house today...I thought wow, I love that house.  Then I saw it was for sale.  And my mind immediately starts imagining me and Skye living there together.  And it makes my arms feel good.

How?

Why and how does my body do this?  I mean, seriously.  Every night I wake up at the same time.  Which, I guess is technically morning, but still.  And, it's always the same thing...I wake up stressed the fuck out.  Grrrr.

FuckingDrama.

In a matter of a few seconds...this is what went down...

I call Skye because she asked me to.  I'm on the phone with her for literally 3 seconds, and Magnum walks in the front door from hunting with a bag full of skinned squirrells he's just hunted.  I'm standing at the stove, making mac n cheese for JDRW and Magnum says, "I need the sink but it needs to be emptied," so, I turn to start emptying the sink, but the dishwasher if full, so I start emptying the dishwasher, then the timer for the mac n cheese goes off, and Magnum is still just standing there watching me do all of this, and not helping.  Skye's converstation is all broken up and I don't want to hang up but I'm only catching about every 3rd word...so I tell her I have to go...and I hang up and I'm still trying to do everything...and Magnum still isn't helping...so of course I go off on him.  He thinks, somehow that I'm the one with the attitude problem.  Fuck.

And, as far as drama goes...I'm just not so sure I can handle girl drama right now.  Skye's ex was in town tonight and the girl she's seeing suddenly has a break down and needs Skye to come over?  Really?

Kinda sucks I've been waiting for Magnum to come out of the woods for the past hour and a half so maybe we could go out...and then he comes in all fucking caveman on my ass.

Fuck.

SideEffect.

I found a new unexpected side effect of being a 39 year old married woman who's dating a 23 year old woman...

I can't be there for her in a time of crisis.   I mean I could be there...but I can't because her family can't know about me. 

I'm not complaining at all.  I'm just saying I wish I could be there for her.  And, I can't.

I'd love to hold her to sleep.

3:32am

I hate the middle of the night stress.  I wake up and every possible stressy thing pops into my head, and of course I can't get back to sleep.  So, I end up being awake for a few hours, while my brain tires itself out.  And in the morning, I'll be tired.

I shouldn't even blog, because all I want to blog are the negative things. 

Grrr.

Stuck.

I'm not happy.  I keep thinking if this happens or if that happens I'll be happy and content.  Truth is, in my current situation, happy isn't going to happen. 

I'm stuck.  It sucks.

Pffffttt.

I got a text this morning from Skye saying "Wtf am I doing?"  I replied with I dunno, wtf are you doing.
I asked her if the feeling she was having was good or bad.  She said both.  I told her I could make things easier for her by not seeing her anymore...she answered with a pfffftttt and a we'll talk later.

I can't imagine, if she feels how I feel, that she wouldn't be jumpin' all over it. 

And, a funny regarding last night...this morning I ask Magnum, with a sly smile on my face, what constitutes homeplate in the lesbian world.  He said, Uh...orgasm.  I said, well then I guess you can call me PUJOLS!!!!  Hahaha.

Used?

I don't know what to do.  Seriously.  I'm not comfortable not being in a relationship with someone, and being sexual with them.  I guess it's the age thing. 

I'm feeling a little used...I think.

In order for sex to be good for me, I have to have that connection. 

I don't know what to do with her.  I mean, we did what we did last night...and I found it outrageously sexy...but kinda empty.  Like that's all I was there for...like there's just that.  Like there isn't a relationship...just a booty call.  Ha, yes I said booty call.

On the way home last night I was sure I didn't want to see her again.  It's too much for me.  She's sexy as hell...but I'm just not what she wants or needs.  So I should stop now...right?

I was crabby to begin with last night...which worked out in her favor I think, because I was less lovey dovey wanna cuddle and more I wanna fuck.  :) 

And, I really don't like the time when we are apart.  I kinda feel like when we are together she's incredible, but when we aren't together she's...eh about me.

I want her to love me.  I know that sounds stupid and pathetic...but it would be awesome to see her in love.

Occupied.

A really random blog...

New computer.  Not sure if I like it yet. 

I saw TWO at WalMart today.  Wow, she is fat.  I love it.  Mean?  Yes.  True?  Yes.

Skye has a date today.  I always think I'm prepared...and then it hits me like a bus.  I guess because it happens like this:  I text and say I'm freezing.  She says she'll warm me up.  I say, Hey, let me know when you are going to have a date so I can make sure I'm occupied while you're on your date (or something like that) and the next text I get is that she's on a date Now.  So...ya know...what do I do with that?  Do I stop texting her, so as not to bother her during her date?  Do I text her naughty little things to make her think of me during her date?  I hate it that I can text her anytime, and she texts me back...and then she's on a date and I feel like if I text her, I'm bothering her.  Like I'm some obsessive old woman who's chasing someone who doesn't really want to be chased. 

It's also hard for me to believe that after yesterday, she'd even want to spend time with anyone else.  She reminds me all the time that we aren't exclusive.  I get it.  But it's still hard for me to process.

The only answer, or resolution, I can come to is I'm in over my head.  I'm absolutely crazy about the girl but I'm afraid she's not so crazy about me. 

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and ever since then, my eyes has been hurting.  It's irritating the fuck out of me.

Normal.

Take a deep breath.  I have to remind myself of that.

I spent most of the day covered in hives.  Why?  Because I was with Skye.  :)  Today was the first day that we were...more than snuggled up in her bed...if that makes any sense?  We did things together.  She went to my eye doctor and I went to the chiropractor with her.  It was so......normal.  And she is so amazingly gorgeous. 

If she knew...like if she really knew...what she does to me...she'd know she's wasting her time with anyone else.  :) 

Kissed.

I just realized last night was the first time she kissed me.

And, it was good.

OMG.

Sweet jeezus...just when I thought it couldn't get any worse...she went and got her hair cut.  I can not fucking stand it.  She's...omg.  Omg.  That's really all I have the ability to say.  For the love of gawd...she's so fucking yummy.

She makes my skin feel good.  She makes my arms tingle.  And as I was leaving last night, she pulled me back, pressed me up against the wall...put her hand on my face and kissed me. 

GEEZUS.

I'm still fucking smiling. 

And, I moan about it at random.  I was in the car this morning, all by myself, and just thought about it and it made my breath catch in my throat.  I'm in a permanent state of hivey these days.

Omg.  Really, that's all I can say.

Weaverized.

Maybe she's just brilliant and she knows once I get something I stop wanting it?

Grrrr.

I think, for the most part, girls I've dated have been a comfort.  I was attracted to them on more of an intellectual level...and then the physical attraction happened.

With Skye it started out like "Dammit she's freakin' adorable I want!!!" so the physical attraction has been there from before I knew her name.  It is so strong...that it drives me insane. 

The other night, we were snuggling and I was looking at her neck, and ear...and good god...that was enough to almost send me over the edge. 

So I am wicked physically attracted to her. 

I told her I wish I could have her exclusively for just a wee little bit.  She's seeing others...as she has every right to since I'm married.  However, in the grand scheme of things, I don't care how good I am, or how fluttery I make her belly, when it comes down to it...she'll never choose me over a young, unmarried thang. 

She said if I was 15 years younger and not married I'd be her girlfriend.  Those things just bother the hell out of me.  Those lines that society has drawn really suck.  I especially hate that sort of thing when it comes from someone who's already living outside of the box in terms of societial norms.  20 years ago, it wasn't so accepted to be a lesbian, so I suppose 20 years ago the speech would have been, "If you were just a boy, you'd be my boyfriend." 

And, after having said ALLL of this...I also understand that if she's looking for a relationship, obviously I wouldn't be the best choice, as I am married.  But I'm not asking her to marry me.  :)  She's only 23.  She shouldn't be looking for someone to settle down with, she should be looking at me to have fun and lots of snuggles with, dammit!

I wish she'd give me 3 exclusive months...like a 90 day trial relationship.  After 90 days, if she's not fully weaverized, we could go our seperate ways.  :)

Lessons.

When am I going to learn to listen to Ney.

She told me not to...and I did.  And, now I just feel kinda stupid.

Eh.

Live and learn.

Fit.

O.  Wow. 

Really those are the only words. 

I think too much.  I have to fit people in, to make sense of what the point is...before I can get comfortable with moving forward. 

I ended up in her bed.  :)  Warm & cozy much?

And, yes, friends & exes, I still use the famous phrase:  Get Off Me!

Butterflies.

Ugh.  Wtf am I doing?

She texted me yesterday...we chatted a lil yesterday...I saw her at work this morning...and had lunch with her this afternoon.  The worst part is...it's like we were never apart.  So, it's happening so easily.  Too fast?  I think?

I asked her, once again, what she wants from me.  She said she doesn't want a relationship right now.  Of course, then she asked what I wanted from her. 

It's too easy to get sucked in by her.  I told her that in the past it's seem a bit one sided.  I mean it's sooo obvious that I want...whatever it is I want...but it's not so obvious what she wants with me. 

I guess what I'd want from her, for starters, would be that she reciprocate.  I don't like feeling like I'm chasing her.  And, for the record, this time, I haven't been chasing her.  I simply sent her a message asking that we be able to talk.  I wanted to talk to her about how we left things last time.  Two days later (yesterday) she texted me.  Today she asked if I wanted to have lunch with her. 

If she was anyone else, I'd take it as it seems...like she wants to hang out with me, like she's interested in me, like this is the beginning of something with potential, like she's attracted to me.  Like she wants me.  :) 

She gives me butterflies.  The last real person to give me butterflies like that was TJ. 

And, if I go to her apartment, there is no doubt in my mind that I will end up in her bed.  :) 

In a perfect world, she'd be my girlfriend.  I wouldn't have to share.  However, considering I'm married, to a man (o, no)...I could never ask her to be my girlfriend. 

Which brings me back to...wtf am I doing?  What's the point? 

As JD so perfectly put it...maybe I just let it be what it is. 

O, and a final note.  After lunch I told her she gives me butterflies.  Her reply?  She got butterlies too and it's been a long time since she's had those.

She's back.  Now what?

IceIceBaby.

Who wants to guess who texted me today?  :)

Uh-huh bitches. 

Guess we'll see how it goes this time.  I did tell her that I was uhappy about how she treated me last time.  She apologized.  Works for me. 

I also asked Izzy out today.  Haven't heard back yet.  We shall see.  (Funny that Izzy & Skye both have the same first names.)

Skye just makes my skin feel good.  I know it's crazy.  And, I usually don't want back in with someone who's pissed me off or hurt my feelings.  I've never been that way about her. 

BTW...welcome winter.  There was a thin layer of ice on my windshield this morning. 

And, I just looked at my spanish grade...the class average is 80%.  My grade is 187%.  WTF?  I mean, I'll take it...but I don't know what it means.

It's been a long time since I last spoke or chatted with Skye...we are chatting now on fb and it's just...I don't know...sorta like she never left...but cautious.

The fall just got a wee bit brighter. 

Yum.

Uninspired.

Today I am...uninspired.  Being uninspired causes me to also be cranky.  And, all of this is due to someone elses fuck up, and that pisses me off. 

And, I'm cold.

Sometimes just coming here to whine, inspires me to see things in a different light.  But right now, it aint workin'.  At all.

Ok, well I thought this would help.  :)

Candy.

HAHA...NOTE:  I write a blog and then I title it.  Well, I titled this Candy because I mentioned that the video below was candy...so then I decided to go back and give each section a candy lable.  :) 

Wow...so much to say...let start with the bitchyness first to get that out of the way...then we'll get to the fun stuff.  This section would be those black and orange wrapped chewy peanut butter candies...I hate those.

The college screwed something up...miscommunication between different departments...and so now I have to wait another week for my loan check.  WTF people?  So, those people, who are employed and get a paycheck (for doing a job they didn't do properly) each week screwed my paperwork up so that I have to scrape and scrimp for yet another week?   It just pisses me off so much...but at least I have the actual date of when I'll get it now.  Red Hots.

Now the fun stuff...

Boys.  They are on my mind.  Perhaps I should say men...haha.  I keep dreaming about them.  I wake up all cozy.  My dreams overall have been nice lately.  If you are my facebook friend...check out the 2 Tylers on my friends list.  Pure beauty.  Chocolate filled with creamy smooth caramel.

I'm doing excellent in school.  I got a 100 on my last Spanish quiz.  Get Out!  Me?  Doing well in a foreign language class when I seriously need Magnum to translate if someone on TV is talking with a british accent?  But, alas, it is true.  My other classes are all Early Childhood Education related...and of course I'm rockin' those.  :)  Pop Rocks.

I know this is just a general skim the surface blog.  I'm working on a Skye blog...I'm just not ready to put it out there yet.  Butterscotch that you almost get done sucking on...and then you accidently swallow it and start to choke.

And finally, apparently if you write about Courtney Jensen in your blog...people come to read it.  For the love of pete...all of the visitors to my blog entry title TastesLikeChicken come there because they've googled Courtney Jensen and my blog shows up.  So, if you got here, because I'm blogging about Courtney Jensen, please follow me...I do write about her often.  And just to tempt you further here's a lil candy (chocolate covered cherry) for you:

 Thank you.  And have a wonderful delicious candy filled day.

Quickie.

This week has been rough moneywise.  My check should be here sometime between today and midweek next week.  I'm dyin' over here dammit!

A few nights ago I dreamed about one of Magnum's nephews...omg.  The boy is beautiful.  (And by boy, I mean he's like...25 or something.)  It wasn't a sexual dream it was a cozy dream.  And he's one of those people that are always warm.  Like if you sit next to him at dinner you can feel the heat coming off of his body.  Hubba.

I recently discovered that Skye is back.  Of course, she wasn't very nice to me just before she moved, so maybe that'll still be the case.  Sucks tho.  She's my fav.

I also dreamed about Ney & Two in the same dream.  Again, it wasn't sexual but it was cozy and comfortable.  Grrrr.  I hate October!

And, that's all I've got time for now because I have to get my ass movin...gotz to get to kollege.  :)

TheSkye.

OMG, she's back.

Dribbles.

I really have nothing to say.  I'm trying not to let October get the best of me...although I have been extra spacey this week.  I had an assignment due yesterday, that I absolutely and completely forgot about.  And it's not like I didn't know it was due.  I wrote down the date and everything...yet, I forgot to do it. 

I got to see Teenager 2 play soccer for the first time this season, and I was impressed.  He's really pretty good.  Still a little awkward, but overall a really good player.

As far as JDRW and soccer goes, he plays...er...tries to play.  He has a good time, that's for sure.  :)  He laughs the entire time.  I love it.  Actually, he's really good at dribbling the ball but he's not as aggressive as he probably needs to be.  But in his defense, most of the other players are girls, and I really don't think he wants to pick on a girl.

And that's all I've got for now.  :(

Flake.

Isn't this about the time of year I flake out?  Odd, that I can actually feel it trying to happen.  I'm more tired, moody, crabby, and overwhelmed.  I can't get my head around stuff and I feel like I always need to be doing something, while at the same time feeling like I'm doing nothing or getting nothing done.  At least I'm aware of my issue with fall.

OOOO, not to mention that this is an anniversary of sorts for me.  Which explains a lot actually.  In 2001, I called Magnum, who was married to someone else at the time, and he told me he'd left his wife for Two.  He broke me that day, in ways I never want to be broken again.  I still remember the pain in my chest.  I remember the day because the date was the same frontwards as it is backwards.  10/11/01.  Dun Dun Dun.  It was a long time ago, but there's still this insecurity that creeps in every once in a while and I never remember why...and then...o, yeah, that's it!  :)

Roof.  In about 2 weeks we'll have one.  Yay!  It took us for ever to pick a color.  We're having a metal roof put on.  You can click here, to see the color choices.  We chose charcoal grey.  Magnum had it narrowed down to Grey or Green, but I think grey is much more versatile.  The most exciting part to me, is once we get our roof done, we can start to work, bit by bit, on the inside stuff.  I'd love to do our kitchen & dining room and halway ceiling in this.  It's expensive, so we might have to do 1 a week for 217 weeks, but it'll look so pretty.  :)  Which, if you're wondering, for 217 squares it would end up costing over $4000.  :)  Eeek.

Izzy & I...well, I guess we aren't anything.  I'm not sure what happened there.  We were going along just fine, and I decided it was getting sorta eh, just emailing, so I was thinking it was time for something to happen, and well...it just fizzled.  She says she's got a lot going on, and lord knows I have a lot going on.  O, well.  I'll let it rest for a wee bit and see how I feel in a week or so. 

In other news, I still don't have a job.  Not that I've been looking real hard.  I keep thinking something will find me.  My limited availabilty definitely puts a crimp in things. 

Ok, enough for now.  I have spanish homework.  Yay.

Moody.

I don't know if I'm crabby or if people are just extra irritating today.  :)

Yesterday Magnum said he might stay home today...so I was thinking he wouldn't say that if he wasn't going to stay home.  Ha.  He got up this morning despite my whining, and went to work. 

That just set the mood.  JDRW and I both have the day off, it's going to be 80 degrees...it would have been nice if Magnum could have stayed home with us. 

I'm sure JDRW and I will have a great time today. 

Truth be told, I'm in the not trusting mode right now and in the back of my mind I think maybe he's not just going to work.  I learned that Two's husband is out of town for a month...and two days after he left Two appeared on some of MY families friends lists.  There's no doubt in my mind that she's contacted Magnum since her husbands been gone. 

Grrr.  Then again, if he were seeing her, I could move back to St. Louis.   :)

FailAgain.

FAIL, again. 

I guess I'm just not as dedicated to blogging as I once was.  :(

Butted.

I accidentally butt called Izzy this morning.  Whoops. 

It's cold.  What's new right? 

I'm really going to work on making this blog more entertaining for readers.  Yay. 

I think JDRW bruised my eyeball last night.  He poked his little finger right in my eye on accident.  And it's sore today.  :(

I'm poor.  And I hate it.  :(  We are between my last day of work in August & my student loan check, which I won't get for another 10 days or so.  Grrr.  O, well, at least I'm happy.  Right?

Roofie.

We are finally getting a bid on our roof.  Whoot.  Dude says, if we accept his bid, he can get it done in a weekend.  Awesome. 

Men are dicks.  Men get mad and instead of dealing with it, they stomp around and do this rumbly "I'm a man and I can stomp" thing all around the house.  Grrrr.

In other news...

Who has 2 thumbs and got a B+ on her Spanish test??  This girl!  Yay me. 

Here in the wonderful world of upstate NY, it's going to get down below freezing tonight.  Are you serious?  Today one of my instructors told us to close our eyes and imagine a happy place.  Everyone else was imagining a beach, or a meadow...I was imagining St. Louis.  :)

For the first time in weeks, I haven't heard from Izzy.  Honeymoon must be over.

And, that's all I got for today kids.

Change.

I don't know if it will ever change.  Every year, same ol' thing.  Gets worse, doesn't seem to get better.  Sometimes I just think I need to make a drastic move, something to shake it up a little bit.  More often than not I find myself aksing, What's it all for?  The point is to get better, not to keep muckin' through the mud over and over and over and over again.  It's all just the same.  Never better, never changing.  If it does change, it's getting worse.  My hope is seeping out of my pores, being sucked dry by reality.

YoEstoyCansado! (I think.)

I slept like a log last night.  I haven't slept that solid since...well I don't even remember when.  I woke up with my face smashed to my pillow, little drool puddle on my cheek, completely unaware of the day or time.  It was awesome.  I want to wake up like that every day.  It was fabulous.

And, I feel good today.  It's nice.

I took my first Spanish test today.  Yay.  I think I did pretty good.

You know what I hate?  Waiting.  For the love of pete, I hate waiting.  Right now it's a waiting game again.  Find a roofer, get the roof on.  Grrrr.  I hate to wait.

I've been emailing with the new girl...wait while I think of a name...still thinkin'...grrr...why can't I get a name for her?  I'm trying too hard maybe?  Fine, I'll go with Izzy.  So, I've got this new "friend" Izzy.  I haven't met her in person yet, but we've been emailing/texting for a few weeks now.  She's seems promising.  But here's my current issue.  I'm not working.  Which means?  We don't have a lot of money to be whorin' around.  :)  Also, money, is my biggest stressor.  So, if I'm stressing about money, I'm unhappy in general, and the last thing I want to do is go out.  I want to let her make me happier.  But the timing is kinda sucky right now.  She's being patient with me tho, so that's good.

We get our new roof soon.  I hope.

And now it's time to get JDRW off of the bus.  Adios.

Verbage.

Sundays, as it turns out, are not a day of rest for me.  I mean, sure, I always get a lil afternoon nap, but I've realized that Sundays end up as catch up days.  All of the crap I've put off since Friday, has to be done today.  I have a Spanish test tomorrow.  My first test of the semester.  I think I'll do ok.  I'm gonna spend the next few hours studying.  However, during my afternoon nap I had a spanish verb epiphany.  I was absolutely lost when it came to verbs, ser & estar.  But, laying there today, I got it.  It just clicked.  Yay me!

I haven't felt well lately.  It's distressing.  :(  My head aches, and the my belly aches, and then my head aches and then my belly aches.  I just wanna feel good.  Dammit.

It's been rainin in NY for about the last 6 months.  Seriously.  And, it's getting colder.  I'd love to have some cool weather with sunshine.  But there's no sunshine. 

Did I mention yesterday that we're getting a new roof?  I think we are going with a metal roof.  I like the plain galvanized roof, but I think we'll end up going with a color.  I love the white.  We'll probably end up doing it in a gray.  As long as it gets done, who the hell cares what color it is?

I got a blackberry.  It's not working.  Ha.  It's a hand me down and I thought we had all of the kinks worked out, but alas, it still isn't working.  :(

I also decided today, that I'm tired of being a fat ass.  :)  Seriously, I feel uncomfortable where I am right now.  I don't know why?  So, I'm gonna do something about it.  Hopefully by the end of the month I'll have a good report.  It is hard, however, to eat healthy and not have extra money to throw around.  It is also harder to eat healthy when you feel like crap. 

Mmmm...Magnum's about to put a fire in the fireplace...it's about to get cozy up in here.

HereWeGoAgain.

Why, yes, yes I am on the blogroll for October.  It's my favorite month, although this day has been icky.  I've just been cranky...for no good reason.  I feel kinda crappy, and have for a few weeks.  My head aches every day, and today I've been nauseous.  Blame it on the lack of fucking sunshine.  Screw you Dr. Sunshine.  Screw you. 

I was going to grab a prompt from NaBloPoMo but they only post new prompts on weekdays.  :( 

The theme is between. 

Just between you and me, the new woman-I guess I have to give her a name eventually-seems pretty cool. 

And, that's all I have for now because I have to pee.

TisTheSeason.

Yes, my friends, it is girl season.  Holy crow.  Must be the effing weather.  Courtney Jensen has been playing on my computer all day while I've been doing some fall cleaning.  Kinda nice...fire in the fireplace...Courtney & her sister serenading me...weather all misty and fallesque.

So, where was I?  Haha.

I'm a full time student again.  Not at all overwhelmed with it.  Spanish will be the only real challenge.  And so far it's not so bad.  The instructor is really good & patient.

Roller Derby starts on Saturday.  I'm pretty excited.

And, this has to be said.  I have a profile on a dating website.  Occasionally I'll get a lame message from a girl or two...none of whom hold my attention.  Well, I mean, obviously there've been a few who've held  (haha-originally I wrote help instead of held-oddly enough one of the girls who I met on the dating sight who has held my attention, I'm planning to go see The Help with.) my attention for quite a while...but not recently.  So yesterday I get this message just out of the blue...and...she seems too good to be true.  I keep looking at her profile to see if she's legit.  I keep thinking she must have a penis-which really, I guess, wouldn't be so bad-but I don't like the thought that she could be fooling me.  What is the worst she could be?  What would the worst possible "thing" be for me to not want to hang out with her?  I guess we'll see.

Tis the season kids, tis the season.

BlahdyBlahBlah.

I'm such a freakin' positive person, I won't even let myself get depressed.  I'm having a shitty day...just down about no money, no job, roof caved in...blah blah blah.

But every time I start thinking how bad it sucks, my head or heart or whatever starts reminding me of how bad it really isn't.

I'm almost 40, and I really thought I'd be "better" by now.  I thought I'd be accomplished or something.

Yet, here I am, unemployed and overwhelmed and trying to be depressed about it...and hope won't let me. 

I guess it's a good thing.

Remember.

BoyDidIt!

Haha, my last post said a storms comin'.  And boy did it.  For the first time since living here, JDRW and I headed to the basement for safety from a tornado.  And, an actual tornado did run through about 20 miles from here.  The weather lady on tv said, "If you are in these areas, please take cover..." and bam, the power went out.  Seconds later debris, or perhaps hail, started pounding the front of the house.  JDRW and I trekked down to the basement, only to find Magnum had just arrived home and was coming into the basement from outside.  Needless to say, we did not get hit by a tornado...but we got hit by some serious storms. 

So, here's the list.  In the past two-three weeks I've lived through an earthquake, a hurricane, a tornado, and being let go from my job.  :)  Wowza.

In other news...

I registered for classes yesterday.  Success in that arena all hinges on my Pell Grant.  I had to register yesterday without the Pell completely in place...it's all a matter of waiting for other people to do their jobs now.  Teenager 1 and I are going to college together.  :)  We registered together yesterday.  Although we don't have any of the same classes, we arranged our schedules so we can carpool.  I love it.  Plus, she tends to get a little stressy in new situations, and considering she's fairly new to NY, I think she's happy to have me with her.  I love my kids.  I know plenty of kids who wouldn't want their mothers hangin' around. 

Speaking of kids, JDRW is now sleeping in his own bed.  In his own room.  I hate it, and at the same time, I'm loving not being in the middle.  He just looks so content laying there in his own bed.  And, I love how he does things when he's ready...and then it's done.  Like riding a bike.  He wasn't ready for the longest time...and then he said, no training wheels...and a day later, he's a pro.  Same with his room.  He always had an excuse, but then he decided, and boom...he's all grown up.  :( 

And, finally, I'll leave you with this.  I've discovered recently that I'm an Indigo child-or person...whatever.  And, that JDRW & Teenager 1 are also Indigo kids.  Granted, some of the stuff seems pretty new age and a bit crazy...but if you can just look at the characteristics of Indigo kids...WOW.  Me, Teenager 1, and JDRW all fit those to a T.   Magnum?  Yeah, he's the opposite of Indigo.  Which is why he clashes so badly with JDRW at times.  I've actually got Magnum reading Indigo Children for dummies.  Haha.  Of course, scientists seek to disprove the presence of Indigo kids suggesting that the creator of the concept simply wanted to give an excuse to parents who's children had adhd, or add, or learning disabilities.  That's not my situation at all.  JDRW is brilliant beyond his years.  It's fascinating.

Storm.

Growing up in southern Illinois has given me a super power.  I can predict rain.  It's uncanny.  There's a change in pressure or something, right before a storm.  It'll be sunny and blue skies and I'll feel the pressure change and I'll say to Magnum, "Rain's comin'."  He'll ignore me and 15 minutes later he's running around in the rain rolling up windows and putting away his 4 Wheeler.   :)    (Haha, I went and did some research for the topic below, and just as I came back here I felt the pressure change-it's gonna rain y'all.)

I dreamed of losing teeth last night.  From http://www.wiki.com/:  "this may symbolize the start of a new phase in your life", which is pretty appropo right now.  On Tuesday I'll call the college, see if I'm all clear to register.  I'll take MWF classes, and do something else in between.  Personal chef work would be GRAND.  But I'll do other stuff too.  I just don't want to go back into the corporate world.  I didn't realize until I was out of it, how much it was taking out of me.


In other news...I got back to school shopping done today for the kids.  Yay me.  Sad to see them go back.  And, really, I think JDRW might be some kinda genius.  :)  He reads like crazy.  And he's smart...in a common sense way.  He understands sarcasm and he just gets stuff.  He's like an old man in a 6 year olds body.  And to think, last year his teacher wanted to put him in Special Ed classes because he couldn't hold his scissors the way she thought he should.  WTF is wrong with that picture?  Just makes me wonder how many other kids get placed in special ed classes, who really don't need to be there, but then the stigma of being a special ed student fucks them up for life.  Grrrr.  It's all about how much money the school can get off of the kids. 

Anyway, I've just been kinda laying low...pondering. 

I guess on Tuesday I'll know what my next step will be. 

I need to go roll up some windows now.  Storm's a comin'.

Enough?

This one time, I said I was a positive person and hopeful.

Grrrr.  Today is one of those off days.

I shouldn't let the negative asses around me drain my positive hopefulness...but it just makes me so angry.

No matter what, no matter how hard I try, no matter how positive or happy I am, there's always someone who never appreiciates, only points out the negative, is always fucking jerky. 

When is enough enough?

WorthyVoices.

My head is going about 200 miles per hour and my body wants to go in reverse.  :)

I got some good advice from a worthy source today.  Made things not seem so shabby.

I'm this - close to getting into college for the fall.  I'm always a step or two behind, aren't I? 

I think I'll go take a nap to quiet the voices in my head.

Cookin'.

So, I'm going back to doing something I love...at least I'm going to try. 

Personal Chefdome.  :)  I'm going to advertise and just see what I can get.  In a perfect world I'd do the Personal Chef thing on Tuesdays and Thursdays and go to school on MWF. 

As a backup, I can always do childcare again, although that feels like going backwards and I'm not really down with that idea at all.

In other news...

In one week I survived my first earthquake, my first hurricane, and being fired from my job.  :)  And, I'm still happy as a clam. 

:)

Visitors?

So, I've had 4 unique visitors to my blog recently...and each of them have read my entry titled "TastesLikeChicken".  I can't figure out why?  Maybe someone has linked to that entry somewhere directing people to my blog?  It's just weird.

Shhhhh.

So, I have a plan.  But I don't want to tell Magnum...even though I'm wicked excited...because I always feel like he doesn't believe in me.  Wait.  That's not right.   I believe, some where buried deep with in I believe Magnum expects me to fail.  Even if he never gives me any indication of that at all.  I'm sure it's rooted in my childhood and the fact that I never felt encouraged or got the appreciation I deserved from my mother.  She never made a big deal when I did something good...only when I did something not good.  So I expect Magnum to do that same, so as soon as I tell him something, I lose my passion for it, because in my mind, he expects me to fail, so I do.  Does that make any sense at all?

Anyway...I'm excited about my plan.  And rather then run it by Magnum, I'm going to plan it all out, and then tell him about it once it's in place.

I have an opportunity, while getting unemployment, to go back to school.  Granted, I won't be making near as much as I was while employed...but I know I can do it.

I've already mapped my schedule and I'm going tomorrow or Friday to meet an advisor. 

I'll get my Teaching Assistant Certification...and then after that I'll continue to work on my Bachelor's in Education.

Sounds good, doesn't it.  And, I'm already prepared for the winter blues, so that shouldn't be a problem this year.

Yay me.  Don't tell.  :)

Advice?

Am I wrong to feel like...I'm better than the ex boss?  Like she's still at the foot of the mountain and I'm over it?  Like I am and will always be above her.  And I'm not trying to be mean there...I just take a little...what's the word...not that I'm better than her...but I'm.......UGH.  I told Magnum I was looking for a word and he said corrugated.  Pride...but not really. 

Anyway...here's what I need advice about.  And you don't have to be a follower to answer:

I want to go back to school with the ultimate goal of teaching on a college level.  So...the question is:  HOW?  I have an associates degree-I'm planning to take some supplemental classes until I can go to a 4 year college next year, majoring in elementary ed.  But, do I need to go for the elementary ed thing? 

I was all set to blog...and then Big Brother comes on.  So now I'm not as passionate as I was.  Grrr.

More later.

Unchristanlike.

Haha...I wrote an email to a close friend about why I got fired.  I decided to post it here.  Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard a mysterious voice saying:  That is just so unchristianlike.  Ha! 

."..my crusty old menopausal bag of a boss told me we didn't mesh and I was "let go" on Friday. She had no reason other than that. I was rockin in that job. I honestly think I was running circles around her and doing such a good job...she didn't like it...so she fired me. It's that simple. I've reported her to the labor board, and I'm going to meet with her boss and the owner of the company. As jobs go, I'll find another. But I really bonded with my residents and they were like family to me...so I'm heartbroken from that aspect. I didn't even get to say goodbye to some of them-so I had to call them from home to tell them goodbye. Oh, well. Life goes on. What goes around comes around and I sincerely believe Karma will come around and bite the old hag in her crusty old ass. :) I just hope Karma doesn't choke and die when it gets a taste of that."

Good.

I'm such a positive person, it almost gets on my own nerves sometimes.  :)

Really...I just see the good.  I got fired on Wednesday...and although I'm sad about not seeing my residents anymore...I'm excited to start on the next chapter of life. 

One door closes, another opens.

My only concern now is the health, safety and well being of those residents...the way things are currently going over there with management and her cronies...it's bound to end badly. 

But, as for me, I simply see this as opportunity.  On to bigger and better things.

MeshThisUCrustyOl'Bag!

So, I log on to rant...I find that I now have 17 followers!  Yay me!

Now for the rant...

I was "let go" from my job yesterday.  Why?  Because the boss didn't like me.  Seriously.  Not because I wasn't doing my job.  Not because I was late, or absent, or sleeping in my office...nope...she just didn't like me.  She flat out told me she was letting me go because she and I didn't mesh.

WHAT?  I'm not supposed to mesh with her.  I'm supposed to be there for the residents.  I'm a liason between the residents and the staff.  Not the staffs best friend.  But whatever...I want to file a complaint but I don't know who to go to with it.

I mean, I'll get unemployment.  And I'll have no problem getting a new job...the point is...I was good at that one.  I was the best coordinator that place has ever seen.

I was leaving yesterday and people were crying and clinging to me.  And the saddest part is, if those residents don't have me, they don't have anyone.  Over the course of the past 6 months, I've heard several people say they are afraid to say anything to anyone about the living conditions there because then the manager will kick them out.

Oh well.  I hope that someone realizes that she's a bad person soon...very soon. 

Robbed.

I hate it that I let an old crotchety power hungry "boss" rob me of sleep. 

I sat here last night, going over and over all of the things she said, and even though I know I'm right, I start to question myself.  Even though I know, that I have my resident's best interests at heart 100% of the time, the boss has me feeling suddenly insecure about it. 

It's so frustrating because I don't know where to go from here.  I don't like being threatened on trumped up charges.

If I'm doing a bad job...if someone is complaining to you that I'm not doing my job...then fine.  Write me up.  However, if you are going to threaten me because I work 9-5:30 instead of 8-4:30 because I have a broken car, that's just meanness.  There is NOTHING so pressing at 8:00am in the resident's lives that I need to be threatened with job loss. 

And the more I think about it...she ranted about how I need to be there for the resident's and how consistency was important....so what about the week she had me cleaning out closets???  What about the day she had me sitting in her office because she wasn't there because she was car shopping?  Is she gonna sit in my office when I'm not there?

She wants me to have morning meetings with her, but morning meetings with her end up being a huge "let's talk negatively about people" fest.  Not my cup of tea.  She wants me to be more involved with the staff, except I'm uncomfortable being chummy with people who I feel don't really value the residents.  Every single one of them has talked negatively about the residents. 

Grrrr.  The more I think about it, the madder I get.  How about the day that the boss came to me, in the middle of my health fair (which I single handedly put together with no help from her or the other staff), and she whispers rather loudly in my ear "I'm going to fucking kill ____________."  Insert residents name.  How professional is that?  Or the time that I was meeting with a resident and she came to my office door and banged on it so loudly that it scared the hell out of the resident?  I could go on, but what's the point really?

If I didn't love the job so much, I might actually just throw in the towel. 

Note to self:  Working for a menopausal woman is not a good idea. 

The worst part is, that now I'm questioning myself, when I know damn good and well, that I am doing an awesome job.  GRRRR.

CounselThisBitch.

I got a "counseling statement" at work today.  Which basically means my boss got pissed off and decided to trump up some charges.  I wish I felt guilty.  I wish there was some truth to what she was saying.  But there's not.  And it just pisses me off.  And, where do I go from here?

She wrote me up, and said if things don't change, in two weeks, I'll be terminated.  WHAT?  Are you kidding me?  I am by far and wide THE best Service Coordinator that building has ever seen.  She has NO idea what I do all day long, and she doesn't value what I do anyway.  I'm not her friend, I don't sit out on the back patio and smoke with her, like the handy man does. 

I responded, in writing, to her statement.  I gave her copies of my daily log sheets-which log every minute of every day at work.  She called me to her office once before on some trumped up charges, and I just let it slide, but I made a note of it, and ever since then I've been keeping track of everything I do.

I don't know if it's PMS or if she gets written up and she lashes out at me? 

I am the last employee at that building that needs to be talked to.  The cleaner sells off the furniture of the past resident's, and I'm pretty sure he pockets the cash, but I can't guarantee it.  A resident told me last week that she gives the handyman money every time he comes to her apartment to fix something.  The boss talks negatively about the residents.  She calls them whack jobs, crazy, bitches, fags. 

Where do I go from here?  I avoid conflict at all costs, but goddammit, this time I'm not just gonna let it slide.  She's wrong, I'm right. 

Ugh.  I hate people.

DeadAir.

Yes, once again, I've failed at the blog o' day thing.  I swear somehow, in the back of my mind, I set myself up for failure. 

I'm awake at 3:55am, again.  I wake up with such a panic...or worry?  I wake up worried about stuff.  It's really disturbing.  And, the air right now...again...I feel like I can't breath.  I let the cat out just now, and the air outside is just dead air.  Not pleasant at all.  I really think I understand how a fish feels out of water.  This has to be how he feels.

Oy.& Vey.

TwilightPrairie.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Have you ever wished you could enter a book?

Twilight.  Easy.  :)

Little House on the Prairie would be fun to.  :)

Insomniac.

Yes, once again, I am awake, at 4 am.  I guess I will always have a wee bit of insomnia.  I wake up every night around the same time.  Sometimes I can go right back to sleep...other times I lay there trying like hell to grab onto some more sleep.  Then, there are other times when I know, sleep has left the building.  So I get up, tinker around online, and fall back asleep around 6.  Which really blows, because when I have to get up an hour later for work, it's extremely difficult.  :(  Poor poor pitiful me.

Wait...I'm gonna go grab a writing prompt...

Who is your favorite author?  Yeah, I pretty much covered that in my last post.  Jennifer Weiner.  Didn't even have to think about that prompt huh?

Ok, it's only 4:06...maybe I can catch a wee bit more sleep before 6. 

Seeped.

So here we go again.  I'm on the August blog roll.  :)  I have to remember that I'm on the blogroll because I'm choosing to be on the blogroll.  Nobody's making me do it.

I had a lot of stuff to write about earlier today.  Now of course, it's the end of the day and all of the good stuff has seeped out into the ozone and all I'm left with is:  Why the fuck am I sitting here watching Pawn Stars with Chumlee making a complete ass of himself?  I mean, he embarrasses me.  Good lord.

I think I'm going to pull the writing prompts from the blogroll website each day:

Today's Writing Prompt
Monday, August 1, 2011

What is your favourite book?

Hmmm...see, now I have to think.  I like books that make me FEEL the book.  When I read, I want to smell the smells, I want to see the colors, I want to taste the tastes.  Jennifer Weiner does a good job of descriptive writing.  I'll go with "Good In Bed" followed closely by "In Her Shoes".  Of course, my friend Tiffany also wrote a book called Tamporlea which I am a fan of.  It's the first in a trilogy and honestly at first I only bought it because she wrote it.  But after reading it, I am a fan.  So an honorable mention goes to Tiffany Lovering & Tamporlea.  If you buy it, make sure you tell her I sent you.  :)

Decision.

So, I made a conscious decision to unblogroll myself.  I decided I didn't have the desire, or the time, to write.  I'll write when I want.  Not every day because I have to.

I started taking my happy antistress drugs again.  So far though, I'm not feeling it.  Granted it's also PMS week, but still.  You'd think I'd have some relief.

I haven't been able to focus.  I haven't been able to really get excited about anything.  I haven't been able to do things I used to love to do.  I'm just this big ball of blah.  I lack hope.  I really have it in my head that I will never be happy here.  The lightbulb guy said to me, "You gotta take care of you.  And do what's best for you."  Wow.  I wish it were that easy.

If I weren't such a conflict avoider.  If I didn't want so desperately not to hurt or to hurt others, I'd go upstairs right now and tell Magnum I was moving back to Illinois and he can come with me if he wants.  But I won't. 

His family is stupid.  They all live within a few miles (and in one case a few feet) of each other yet no one gets together.  There is none of that familial stuff.  Someone gets sick, everyone bands together.  Someone has a birthday, everyone gets together to celebrate.  Holidays.  Sunday dinners.  Not his family.  Some of them don't talk to each other.  Some of them talk to each other, but as soon as the other one leaves, it's talking negatively about them.  I fucking hate it.  If I ever move back to where I belong, I will go to every event I'm invited to. 

Teenager 1 lives with her boyfriend.  In the summer they stay in the lake house.  JDRW and I were there for a lil while the other day, and that's the closest I felt to comfort in a long time.  Just lounging around with family.

So there's my whine fest for the day.  Poor poor pitiful me.  :)