Occupation.

So, as you know, I've been going back and forth about what to do when JDRW wanders off to kindergarten.  I mean, after all the crying & sobbing & running after his bus screeching "BRING MY BABY BACK!!!!". 

Well, I try to be one of those people that think things will happen as they should as long as you are following a positive path.  I mailed off two resumes to schools (one for a teacher's assistant & one a teacher's aide) and two days later I got a call from a woman looking for my services.  I haven't advertised for new client in over 2 years.  She said she found my number on a website.  She's coming to visit me next month.  So, I think, there it is.  That's the answer to whether I continue to do what I'm doing or move on.  Plus, in the fall it'll be a fresh group of clients and no JDRW...so it'll be different. 

Then there's the matter of the current client who NEVER pays on time, is always late, asks for special "privledges" without extra compensation, and the work I do for her takes about 10 times the energy it would take to do the same work for a client who pays on time, is never late and who doesn't always ask for little extras.  So,  my thoughts are I should get new clients, and "fire" her.  The best part about that concept, to me, is that she will realize then, how good she had it with me.  I guarantee she will not find anyone else who will do for her what I've done.  I honestly can't imagine anyone else putting up with her and her spawn.  (Is that mean?)

We shall see.

Walter.

I met my future husband.  O, wait.  I met the man I'd run away with if he'd ask me.  :)   Of course, then, once he's my husband or boyfriend he'll probably just flake out on me...so I'll just let him be what he's meant to be...my new doctor.

He isn't beautiful.  If I saw him on the street, he wouldn't turn my head.  But, he was  i n c r e d i b l e.  Wowza.   I went into the appointment feeling kinda guilty (because I've gained 11 pounds) and kinda silly (because of this rash thing I've got), and just generally down because I haven't had the best of luck with doctors in the past.  But, he didn't make me feel guilty or silly.  He didn't sit there in a stool and nod his head and smile (and he has less hair on his chin then the sunshine doctor) and act like he was listening without really hearing.  He was just...a comfort.  He told me, as he was listening to my lungs, that I have nice skin and I should keep it that way.  He asked me if I had an Irish heritage (I'm a mutt, but I'm pretty sure there's lots of Irish & German in there).  He asked me what brought me to NY (a boy).  He talked to me about my weight, but not once did I feel stupid or lazy or guilty.  He told me I was young & healthy.  He made me feel like I could do anything I set my mind to do.  I left out of there on a puffy white cloud of happy. 

Not once did he mention the word shingles OR tell me I just needed more sunshine.  Love.

I see him again in 3 months.  I can't wait.  I will be improved.  I want to be improved.  Because he believes I can improve.  He believes I can do better.  And, that, is all I ever really need.

SnakeFood.

We have a new pet.  Like we need another one of those, right?  It was originally snake food, but the snake seems to be a lil under the weather, so he wouldn't eat it.  Which left this adorable little white mouse without a home, or death.  So, now he's a part of our ever growing family.  JDRW named him (which is actually a her but he cried when he found out it was a her because he wanted a him, so I told him, oh yeah, it IS a boy after all) Travis.  Travis??  Where does he come up with these names?  O, and I read that mice need a friend.  That they don't do so well alone.  So, does that mean we have to get another mouse?  And it has to be two girls because two boys will fight and a boy and a girl will make more mice and we soooo don't need that.

DB.

I came here and started writing a blog asking for advice on a certain topic, but I deleted that and just decided to bitch instead.

If you have a job, you expect to be paid on fucking pay day.  I have a job, offering you a service, then I fucking expect you to fucking pay me on fucking friday.  Got it?  Goddammit.  I shouldn't have to fucking hunt you down on a Saturday morning to get my money.

O, but wait, I haven't hunted you down yet because apparently you are unreachable.  I'll bet I won't hear from you until after noon because that's when the bank closes so I won't be able to cash the check until Monday...you fucking douche bag.

Ok, I feel better now.  Thanks for listening.

LastNiteNoLites.

So, last night, I'm my way home from going to dinner & a movie (which was not a date because she doesn't date married people), I turn onto a road about 15 minutes from my house, and there are two cars behind me.  I go over a tiny little hill, and suddenly there are no cars behind me.  What?  So I tap on my brakes to see if there's still a car back there, but I don't see anything.  Then I see a car, headed up the road from the opposite direction, and the cars behind me, turn on their lights.  As soon as the oncoming car passes, the car directly behind me turns his lights off again.  So, I call 911.

Them:  911 what's your emergency?
Me:  Not sure how much of an emergency it is...(and I tell them all about where I am and what's going on)
Them:  Do you have a description of the vehicle.  (I look back into the pitch blackness where I know a car is...)
Me:  No, I can't see the car at all because there are no lights.  (but then the car behind him shines just right)  I can see it's a pick up of some sort.
Me:  We are stopping at a stop sign.
Them:  Which way is he going?
Me:  Right onto (name of road) 
Them:  Does he still have his lights off?
Me:  Yes, but he used his blinker to turn.
Them:  Hold just a sec...can you give me any more description?
Me:  White pickup.
Them:  Has there been any interaction (He used another word, but I can't remember it) between the two of you?
Me:  No.
Them:  Where are you now?
Me:  We are coming to a stop light, he's pulling up beside me.  (This is the first time I actually got scared...I put the phone in my lap, (it's been on speaker the whole time)...and I continue to talk to 911...but I want my hands free.)
Them:  They've pulled along side you?
Me:  Yes,  into the turning lane...they are turning towards (town name). 
Them:  Give me a description of the car.
Me:  (I managed to give them make, model, color, liscense plate number and a little further description as the car was turning.)
Them:  Hang on a second.  (I can hear the radios in the background exchanging info.)  Ok, (and he took my number)  Would you like to file a complaint?
Me:  No. Not at all.  There was no interaction.  I just didn't think it seemed safe.  I mean maybe he's having car trouble, but still.
Them:  Exactly.  Ok, the police are going to search for this vehicle.


And, that was that.  It was pretty exhilirating?  The operator guy was awesome.  Just the way he spoke to me, and the way he got me to be very aware of the situation.  I think the best thing he did was when he said "give me a description".  He didn't ask me "can you give me a description" because that would have made me question my abilities-even if for just a second and I may not have had as much info to give him.  Just him saying "give me a description" was awesome, a demand not a request.

If I ever need to call 911 in a real emergency...I hope I get that man (or an as equally well trained individual) on the phone. 

And, about TheOneWhoDoesNotDateMarriedPeople...I'll have to go into that later.

Freefalling.

I don't know what the hell is going on with me.  I think it's the summer.  The doctor tells me to get more sun, but summer is my least favorite season.  It's just so...boring.  I crave routine...I love knowing that on a certain day at a certain time this or that will happen.  But during the summer we are all just free falling.  And, I do not like.

I think I'll drown myself in writing fiction for a bit, instead of all of this reality crap. 

I'm stuck in mud.  I need to get out of it.  :)

Applied.

So, I have offically applied for admittance to Suny Plattsburgh.  I'm not sure I'll get in because I've procrastinated this long...but if I don't get in for fall, I'll probably get in for Spring.  I also filled out all of the fafsa stuff. 

I also discovered yesterday that I am qualified to be a teacher's assistant.  Yay me!

Gunk.

So, if you read yesterday's blog (and I'm not even gonna link you to it because it's one of those whiny bitchy rant blogs that I'm not so proud of) then you know it was a shit day.  And, let me tell ya, it didn't get better.  I cleaned the fridge, put away the groceries, and made dinner all while people sat around doing NOTHING to help.  But that's not the point.

The point is, the absolute HIGHLIGHT of my day was the dishwasher.  Let me splain...

For a few weeks now our glasses have been looking foggy when we've taken them out of the dishwasher.  I blamed it, at first, on the dishwasher soap.  But then, I remembered, last time it happened, I ended up having to call my handy dandy (and unfortunately not even a little Hot) fix it man.  He charged some outrageous amount to basically unscrew some screws, rinse a few filters, and be off.  :)  So last night, I decided to take matters into my own hands. 

And, it was amazing.  Cleaning things out like drains, excites me.  It's a sickness, I know.  But there was more gunk in that dishwasher that I'da thought possible.  Magnum wouldn't even stay in the room with me because it made him gag.  :)

So, at least the day ended well and now we'll have clean glasses once again.

Rant.

I try really hard not to go into total rant mode.  But this morning...I am overwhelmed with The Rant.

I am soooo tired.  I am tired of being the only one in this house who does anything.  And, I always hate it when I hear some women say that, because I look at their lives and I think...WTF are you complaining about you crazy bitch?  You don't work.  You don't have kids.  You sit on your ass alllllllll fucking day and you want to complain?

And, I'm sure there are women who will read this and say the same things about me.  So be it. 

Here are my complaints of the day:

ALL weekend Magnum is occupied elsewhere.  I am home alone with JDRW.  Not that I don't love being with JDRW, but sometimes, just every once in a while, a break would be nice.

No one does ANYTHING to help out around the house.  Right now let me just tell ya the things that need to be done that I will ultimately end up doing because no one else will.

1.  Dogs.  No one feeds them.  Or cleans up after them.  Except me.  Only ONE of the three dogs is mine.  (And, then there's the cat...I do the litter box & the feeding.  And then there's the ferrett who pretty much just runs around at will and if I mention she's made a mess it might get cleaned up or it might just sit there for two days until I clean it up.)
2.  Dishes.  I do them.  Occasionally someone will empty the dishwasher, but 90% of the time it's me.  And, loading the dishwasher, I do it.  If someone else does it, they do a half assed job.  (I know, at least they are doing it, but they aren't doing it.  They are just throwing some dishes into a hole in the wall (akathedishwasher) to shut me up or to be able to say "well I loaded the dishwasher two times last month!")
3.  Garbage.  Usually this isn't so much of a problem.  But, right now there's a bag of garbage and a full box of recycleables sitting in my kitchen, and guess who'll be taking those out?  Not to even mention the bathroom garbage which no one ever bothers taking out except me when I can't fucking stand it anymore.)
4.  Laundry.  I gather it.  I sort it.  I lug it to my car (with occasional help), I lug it into the laundry mat, I wash it, I dry it, I fold it, I load it back into my car...usually someone else carries it in and leaves it sitting in the dining room until I ask and ask again and ask in a higher voice and then yell for someone to put it away.  Magnum was helping me with this for a while, but he's been so busy doing man stuff that I've pretty much been on my own lately.  (And, I love it that he does man stuff.  I love it that he's got a social life.  But, still, I'm doing this WHOLE life thing allllll alone and it fucking sucks.)  Oh, but, if he'd take a second to fix my washer situation, then I wouldn't be lugging laundry around in my fucking car.  I've asked a few times that he take a look at it and get it fixed...I'm pretty sure it's a fairly simple fix.   But the time it would take him to fix it, I guess, is way more valueable than the HOURS I spend running back n forth to the laundry mat.) 
5.  Everyfuckingthingelse.  I cook, I clean, I pay the bills.  And, I work.  And, I am the primary care giver to JDRW.  And, the teenagers need this and that and a ride here and a ride there.  Grocery shopping.  Cooking.  Running errands.

Yesterday I helped Teenager 1 with some special stuff for a party she wanted to attend.  The majority of the mess in the kitchen currently is due to me helping her.  Has she offered at all to help me clean it up?  Nope.

And, I KNOW.  I should speak up.  Quit complaining and fix the problem.  I KNOW.  I KNOW.

But knowing all of that isn't helping this morning when JDRW is begging for breakfast, the garbage is over flowing, the dishwasher needs to be emptied so it can be filled again with the dishes that are overflowing the sink and counter.  And, that's not even including the dining room table that needs to be decluttered, or the bathroom that I know needs to be straightened, or the floors that need to be swept and mopped.  And, don't even get me started on the deep cleaning that needs to be done...windows washed, dusting, decluttering.  And, me & JDRW are the only ones home...because everyone else is too busy taking fucking advantage and taking me for granted.

Every time I get up to try to clean or straighten JDRW needs a drink or a snack or help finding something or the dog is in the road or a teenager calls and needs a ride.

Fuck.  Sometimes, I just wish, for 5 seconds, someone would consider me, like I ALWAYS consider them.

Fan.

I am not a fan today.  Of anything. 

GF.

O, and it would be really awesome to have a girlfriend.  It's been awhile.  Funny, the first person I think of is Skye.  When I think about a girlfriend, she's the one I want.  :)  Can't have...but want. 

BFF.

Sometimes I miss having a best friend.  Maybe that's part of the reason living in NY is so hard for me.  I mean, I do have friends...but I certainly don't have a Ney.  :(  I miss having a Ney.  Magnum tries.  Really he does.  And he's good at some parts.  But he's a man.  He hates Target and shopping and he absolutely refuses to go with me for a manipedi.  :) 

And.

I'm barely out of bed and I'm crabby as hell already.  I don't even know why.

I'm a little disturbed I guess because of friend of mine has kinda fallen out of my life, and it kinda sucks.  And I find myself wondering what I did to offend her.  It kinda hurts to see her making nice with others, and kinda ignoring me. 

And Magnum, as usual, is a crab ass.  I don't know what to do with him to get him not to be a crab all the damn time...but it just stresses everyone out. 

And, Teenager 1 is leaving again.  Apparently, she's getting back with her old boyfriend, who of course, lives in Illinois.  Magnum gets all bent out of shape...but she's 19.  I mean, he moved out on his own (and into the army) at 17.  I have to let her make her own decisions.  I'm not happy about it, and she knows it, but I'm also not gonna be a bitch about it.  Because that's just stupid.  I've seen parents like that, I am not one of them.

And, in 1.5 months JDRW is going to kindergarten.  And, if that's not sad enough, I have to add to that what I want to do when he's not here anymore.  Do I continue doing what I'm doing or move on to something different?  I've decided I'm not going to do something to just have a job.  I have to have a job that holds my interest.

And, now, clients have arrived, so I'm out.

DollyShines.

Holy Crow!!! 

WhineOn.

Whine on whine on...o o o o...whine on whine on.

Me + Today = a big old helping of WHINE.  Geezus.

I got today off.  It's supposed to be happy and productive and relaxing.  Wouldn't you know it fucking isn't?

Even.

It's the feeling stupid factor that I don't like.  I wouldn't mind so much if there were some way I could get even.  But there's not.  Grrrrr.  Then again, maybe there is.

I'm not gonna go into detail.  I want to.  But I'm tired of whining about it. 

Is it just coincidental or is it a clue?

EarlyMorningMater!

My first tomato of the season.  Yay!  That's about one more than I had last year!  :)

FollowerWinsCar!!!!

She won a car just for following my blog! You too, could have a chance to win fun prizes by following. Who will be next, hmmmmmm?

Go over and check it out!

Grounds4Divorce.

O My GODDDDD. Right now, I hate my husband. Why?? Because he has me watching THIS shit.

Fuck.

Fine.

I can't stand this body I'm in right now.  So I guess, I'll do something about it.  But I am not happy about it!

Better.

Ok, that's better.  I paid some bills and found a doctor.  Whoot.  And, this has to be said...my new docs name is Cummings.  :)  Dr. Cummings.  Hehe.  Yeah yeah there's a 12 year old girl inside me somewhere.  :)

And, I like knowing that Fenton viewed my blog today.  :)

And, July 13 is significant for some reason, but I don't remember what?

Unrest.

Do we all get these feelings of unrest?  I hate it. 

In other news...according to the hpt I did earlier today, I am not pregnant.  I didn't really think I was, but it was worth being sure of.  So, I'm a fat ass just because I'm a fat ass.  Grrr.  There's gotta be a cause, and no it isn't the donut I ate for breakfast.   It happened really fast.  But, still, I guess I'll eat fewer donuts and more carrots or something.  O, well, it was bound to happen given my genes.

I also have to find a doctor.

Teenager 1 broke up with her boyfriend today.  My heart aches for the poor kid.  No, not for Teenager 1, but for the boy who's heart she just crushed.  Really.  I hate it.

See, now I'm all icky just from talking about the kid.

O, I have one of those fancy comparison things:  what's the word???  Anyway, last night Magnum and I were out back and I walked over and was looking at my garden (Which consists of a little square, very nicely mulched, plot of 4 tomato plants, with two pepper plants off to the side).  So, anyway, Magnum mows around it when he mows, but he can't get real close, so there's tall grass growing around the little square.  Anyway, we go out last night, and I am sooooo excited because one of my plants has a tomato on it that will be perfect for eating in the next few days.  I notice that I have fruitful tomato plants with loads of tomatoes on them.  Magnum notices the weeds.  I'm just about jumping up and down because of my red tomato, and he says "Mama, you need to get to weedin'"  Dude.  I seriously don't even notice the weeds.  The tomato plants are thriving, I'm gonna have a crazy load of tomatoes in a few weeks, why even notice the weeds?  So, the point is, Magnum and I just see things differently.  I see the plants, he sees the weeds.  I see the positive, he sees the negative. 

But, overall, we've been getting along well.  :)  Every stinkin' time I say that, we end up in a fight...blah blah blah.

O, and, I'm ready for fall now.  Summer can be over.  I know, I whine about wanting summer, and now I want fall.  But it is the best season!

Huge.

My boobs are fucking huge.  HUGE.  (If you are from where I live, you just heard Billy Fucillo didn't you?)

I've gained a ton of weight in the past month and my boobs are literally about to swallow my head.  It is reedickulous.  Maybe I'll post a pic....yeah, sure I will.

It is insane!

Gotta.

Sometimes I just need to write.  Even if I don't know what I want to write about.

I woke up to someone challenging me today.  She's a client, and last summer, she paid me a certain amount, and now, this summer, she's trying to convince me that it was less.  I found some emails between the two of us and fwd'd them to her, so she'd see that she was wrong.  And, she argued with me. I offer this particular client tons of extras...she certainly gets more from me then she would from anyone else.  She takes and takes, but when I mention pricing, she wants to challenge me?   Um, no.  You don't argue with someone who's let you "slide" on other things like over time, and being up to 4 days late on payments.  If she wants to go elsewhere she can.  Maybe, (but I doubt it), she'll get a better rate.  She will not, however, get better service.  She certainly will not get overtime, and sickness, and "canIstopbythestoreonthewayhome".   Grrrrr.

:)

I saw Eclipse again.  It's still awesome.  But here's a little tidbit, I swear, I saw a scene today, that I did not see the first time I saw the movie.  I mentioned it to Magnum, and he doesn't remember seeing it the first time either.  Do they still switch reels?  Maybe that's where the "switch" was and somehow it got screwed up?  I don't know how it works, I'm just pretty sure I did not see that scene the first time.

I'm going to go clean now.  It's finally cool enough for cleanin'.  :)  Yay.

Stupid.

If you are stupid, don't try to argue with me.  Please, just save yourself.

Grrrrrrr...I hate stupid.  But, I LOVE being right and knowing that she's a moron.  Although, argueing with stupid, isn't always easy because they aren't smart enough to know they're stupid.

And, if you want to complain about services rendered, you might want to check out the extra services that have been provided to you, free of charge, douchebag.

:)

Ok, enough for now.  I'm heading out to see Eclipse for the 2nd time today with an old friend.  Fun. Fun. Fun. 

InternationalSendings.

I just mailed my first ever international package to Australia!  I had to fill out a customs form and everything! 

And why did I send this package?

Because the very first winner of my Blog Follower Contest is Utegirl!!!!  Just so happens, she lives in Australia. 

So, Ute, if you are reading this, your package will arrive in 5-10 business days!  Whoot for Ute she gets the loot!  :)

Whateveritis.

Lately I find myself bored.  I went from being a facebook junkie, to being facebook irritated.  And, blogging?  Not so much. And my shop over at etsy www.etsy.com/shop/blueberrycreek is still there, but I'm ont so excited about it.   I'm just kinda blah.  Wait, not blah. Blah indicates I don't care?  I do care, but I'm just not attached to the computer or the internet, as I once was.  What I would normally say here is that I've lost my passion.  But, I think, if I say I've lost my passion, that means I feel as tho somethings missing...but it's not. 

Ut o.  Could it be I'm just...content?  Or happy?  O no. 

Is that it?  Really?

Or is the opposite?  Am I just so over trying that now I'm just like, whatever?

I'm not happy about my current weight.  It's funny...being where I was 10 pounds ago, was still a very squishy body and I was totally confident and fine...but somehow, the scale gives me a number 10 pounds larger than before, and I'm all panicked?  WTF is that about?  I guess it's a slippery slope and given my family's "medical history", I'm afraid of slipping.  The worse part about it, is, I'm a foodie.  I love to cook, and I love to eat what I cook.  I guess I can just learn a healthier way to cook.  Except healthier usually ends up tasting healthier and bluck.

Plus there's this anxiety about JDRW going to kindergarten.  It's not anxiety that he's going to school, because he will do very well there...it's anxiety that he's not my baby anymore and maybe I shoulda done more stuff with thim while I had the chance.  He's freakin' five years old now.  I hate it.  Plus, I was only going to be in this business of mine until he went to kindergarten.  So the question is...am I going to quit & do something else?  Or just keep doing what I'm doing? 

In other news...

I saw a girl on a dating website yesterday.  I have not, since Skye, looked at a girl and been so awestruck.  I mean, I guess, in person she could be a real heel. But in her pics & profile,  wow.  I'm sure I'll never hear from her because I'm married...to a freakin' man.  :)  But, still, it's nice to think that she'd give me the time of day. 

Magnum still has a girl, and I don't.  :)  And, believe it or not, I have not once gotten pissed at him about anything to do with her.  Go me.

And, for a touch of redneck this morning, I think I am entering my first 3D archery shoot this weekend.  :)  Magnum says he doesn't know if I'm ready...but to me...it's one of those things that I have to do first, so that I know what I'm doing.  I can plink arrows into a target all day long out in the backyard, but the 3D shoots are different and I really need to just get to one.  He usually goes with his brother but his brother is otherwise engaged this weekend, so he's stuck with me instead. 

Which, as a related but completely different topic...I love love love it when people think they are better than me (or just better than other people as a whole) and they brag their fucking heads off about their kids being all this and that (I brag, but I don't try to force my parenting skills or my perfection down your throat) and I personally know, that you being buddy buddy with that "friend" of yours is hysterical because guess what.  That friend, is spending a lot of time with your perfect teenager children...getting high.  Now, don't get me wrong, I know that there are those that choose to partake of illegal substances, so be it.  The punch line here, is that if you brag and brag and brag about your perfect little offspring and your perfect little christian family...maybe your should make sure the familys not out behind the barn tokin' it up.  Ya see what I'm saying here?  (Usually, I wouldn't be so "offended" by someone bragging about their kids because I brag about mine.  It's the whole "holier than thou" mentality that pisses me the fuck off!)  :)  Happy face happy face smiles all around.

O, and since I'm ranting my bloody head off here, let me just say, if you change your kids diaper and he's shitting whole balloons and chunks of crayon, perhaps you should clean your nasty fucking house?  Just saying.

Ok, here I go...back to it.  Whatever it is.

LeSigh.

Wow. 

What a downer I am.

I've lost my mojo.

Oy.