Time.

I'm waiting.  I don't like waiting.  And usually, time flies if I sit down to type in my blog.  So this is an attempt to make time fly. 

The enter enter type feature still isn't working...wtf is up with that?

Last night Magnum & I went on a haunted hayride and 7 haunted houses.  It was pretty cool.  The funny thing is the stuff that was supposed to scare me...didn't.  The stuff that creeped me was the corn rustling in the wind.  Now THAT'S creepy.  The other thing that creeped me was walking into one of the houses, it was pitch black (and I was hanging onto Magnum for dear life) and as you walked through the walls got tighter and tighter until you felt like you couldn't fit anymore.  Gulp. 

I'm having an issue with JDRW's school.  We knew it would come to this didn't we?  I was just starting to get comfie with the whole thing...and we get a note home from the teacher saying she wants JDRW to be screened by an occupational therapist.   The bitch is crazy.  :)  First, he's been in school for 6 weeks.  That's all.  6 weeks.  So, anyway...apparently he needs help holding a pencil and scissors.  WHAT?  You want to label my son as "special needs" with a disability because he doesn't hold a pencil or scissors to your liking???  OMG, wtf is wrong with this world???   Needless to say, I was pretty irritated by the whole thing.  Magnum, emailed the teacher asking "if this is a problem, why are we just now hearing about it?" and so forth.  Anyway, we denied the screening, and every day since then we've gotten notes home.  "JDRW didn't finish this.  JDRW didn't do that".  Blah.  But, let me tell you something...I honestly think there's a loss of communication between he and his teacher.  She says, "write your name on the line"...and so JDRW has been writing his name ON the line so that it looks like this:  JDRW.  So, the other night, I just told him to write his name Above the line.  So, the teachers thinking he can't write his name correctly, on the line, but he's just doing what she told him!!!!  Sigh.

I'm sure it'll all work out. 

Today is his Halloween Parade and Party at school.  Parents aren't allowed to go into their kids classrooms or attend the party.  I've never had a school and didn't allow this, but whatever.  We all get to go stand outside his school, and the kids parade around so we can all see their cute costumes. 

Out of no where,  my mother calls.  Just now.  Right now.  So, I guess I'm done writing for now...

And, now I'm out.

Sideways.

So, I'm job searching.   And a local office is looking for a receptionist.  I want to apply.  The website says click here for application. 

Except, when I click, it takes me here.  And, I can not fill out an application that looks like that. 

I figured it just must be a mistake, they scanned it and didn't realize how bad the copy was.  So I called, just to inform them.  That was 3 days ago, it is still the same.

Here's the funny part...Magnum & I were out in the area of the business, and I asked him to run in and get an application for me (I was NOT dressed to go in a grab the application) so I could get a good copy, and he goes in and brings one out...and it's still the same horrible sideways icky copy.  How do you put something like that out there to represent your company? 

They need me to work there so I can fix the freakin' application.

Frustrating.

So, I really don't get people here in NY.  Mainly, family.  Everyone is just so...bitchy.  And they hold grudges.  And they are just mean.  And competitive.  And mean.

I guess I'm spoiled to southern hospitality.

There is no sense of togetherness.  No warmth of family.  No cousins.

It sucks.

And, I just don't get it.  It's all "well, what have you done for me?"  Or, "well remember 17 years ago when you said you didn't like the new wallpaper in my dining room?  Our relationship will never be the same."  Ugh.

And they don't blend families here at all.  It's all so prim and proper and "this is my perfect little family, husband wife son daughter maybe a son or daughter in law" and we don't need or want anyone else because we are just so fucking perfect.

Sigh.

This is what spurred my rant.  I invited Magnum's brother (the only one he really talks to anymore because the other one is a snob) and his family over for cake on Friday, which is Magnum's birthday...and his wife writes back and says they can't come because their newlywed daughter and son in law are coming over for dinner.  And, I can't help but think it's retaliation for the fact that we missed the brother's birthday last month because we had to work. 

Grrrr.  It's so frustrating. 

I also invited Magnum's daughter...but she hasn't shown up at any of our birthday's for the past few years, not even her little brother JDRW's.

This is just how people are around here.  It's bullshit.  Get over it you fucking morons.  Get over yourselves and realize that life is too fucking short for such nonsense.  Fuck.

Me, Giddy??

I love Walter.  Just seeing him makes me feel like I can accomplish anything.  That's how all "relationships" should be.  I know, he's my doctor so it's not a relationship...don't freak out I'm not thinking he and I are gonna run off together...but he's just so...real.  I've seen the man once.  And today I had my second visit.  First, he remembered me.  I've been to doctors before that were totally confused and had no clue who I was after several visits.  He remember I'm from Southern Illinois.  He remembered I'm in a military family.  He helps me without enabling me.  And that is what is so amazing about him. 

Enter enter type.  See, today the fact that it's not working isn't pissing me off at all.


I don't think the new drugs could possibly have kicked in yet?  But I'm hyper as hell and all kinds of giddy and right now I'm typing about 80wpm.  :)

In other news...

I was in WalMart this afternoon to pick up the new meds, and I'm looking to kill some time so I'm walking around and there in a checkout line is Two.  I turned and walked the other way.  But not before noticing she's driving around on one of those handicapped scooters.  No, I know...really I know...there are people who really need to use those things and when I hurt my ankle once, I even had to use one...but I wasn't happy about it.  (O, and my mother used one at Six Flags once, legitimately, and Ney and I took turns running innocent people down with it...but that's another story all together.)  So anyway, there she is in her handicap scooter.  I find this very funny.  She doesn't have a broken leg.  She hasn't been stricken with some uncureable disease.  She's pregnant.  That's it.  That's her big illness, her handicap.  I know, there are women who legitimately need assistance during pregnancy...but...I do not believe for half a second that she does.  I guarantee if you threw a million dollars out in the street, she's run her roly poly ass all over town to grab it.  She is the opposite of me.  I don't want people's attention because I'm sick.  She wants EVERYONE to know she's special, she needs extra attention.  I've seen 80 year old half crippled women park the carts inside, like you're supposed to, and walk the rest of the way to the car....but not Two.  She rode the fucking thing all the way outside.  Dude, I mean, if you are in THAT bad of shape, why not just have your little naive puppy dog husband go pick something up for you at the Walmart?  I mean, if your pregancy is that risky, then why even go to Walmart? 

Ok, so, maybe typing 80wpm makes me long winded?

I called Magnum when I got home and I was talking to him and he interrupts me to say, "So, you got the new meds huh?"  :)  I told him I don't think they've kicked in yet and he said "O, no?"  Hahaha.  Anyway, then he said, "Knowing you, they could have just given you sugar pills and you'd get better."  And you know what, if that worked, I'd totally go with it. 

And, on that happy note, I'm out.   My fingers are smokin'.

Private?

So, this is one of those blogs that I think I should make private, but I won't know until I'm finished.


I hate to admit it, but the sunshine doctor, might be on to something.  Because for the past few months I've been in a funk that I can not get out of.  I'm overwhelmed to the point of not even caring that I'm overwhelmed.  I realized today that at the end of August, I get allll excited about fall and Halloween, but by the time Halloween actually gets here I'm so down, that I can't even get my head around the idea of decorating.

So, maybe it really is that I've been pretty much sunless for the past few weeks.  Mostly because it's too cold out there, and partly because it's been raining like every day.

I'm going to see Walter tomorrow.  Hopefully he can offer some assistance.  He has to do something.

I'm so not "able" to do the simpliest things.  My house is a complete wreck.  I didn't go to class at all last week (partly due to a stomach issue tho).  We went apple picking yesterday and to me it should have been happy with lots of picture taking and laughter...instead it was like..."ok fill your fucking bag with apples so we can be done".  :)

The good news is, I know I need some sort of "assistance".  :)  I'll buy the fucking full spectrum lights.  I'll take pills (as long as it's not Zoloft because that shit fucks me up soooo bad, it's not even funny.  Sure it helps me focus, and for the most part, it makes me better...but when I get pissed...holy fuck you don't want to be around.  It's scary really.)

I've been pondering...am I depressed (which I hate to have that label) or am I unfocused and that makes me depressed.  Because I wouldn't call me depressed right now.  I can see the light.  It's the shit in my fucking way, that won't let me get to the light, that's pissing me off and stressing me out!  Maybe he'll give me something for ADD.  Geezus.  Wouldn't that be incredible?  Because THAT is my problem.  It always has been.  Even as a kid, I was considered a "space cadet".  All of these years...and the whole time maybe I just needed to get up on some ADD drugs. 

In other news...

I'm job searching.  Seriously.  From the very beginning I always said when JDRW goes to school, I'll quit my current "job", and go to work.  Well...he's been in school for a few months and now it's time.  (Again, tho, this focus thing gets in the way.)  I only have one client now, because I haven't advertised for more because I was going to get a job, except I haven't gotten a job.  Magnum and I figured it out a few days ago...I'm making like $3 an hour right now.  And, for a client that I can't stand.  She takes advantage, argues with me over pricing and her spawn are hellions.  Some of the worst I've seen.  There's a local job I just read about in the paper yesterday that would be perfect.  Le Sigh.

I'm also stressing, once again, over money.  It just stresses me.  Doesn't matter how much or how little we have, it still causes me grief.

O, and, I downloaded Mozilla Firefox instead of IE, and for the most part I love it.  But at the end of my paragraphs here in my blog, when I hit enter, it doesn't fucking move my cursor.  Enter, enter, begin new paragraph.  I mean really, is that too much to ask?  (IT PISSES ME OFF!)

Grrrr.

And, that kiddos, is why I'm not blogging so much.  I'm irritated and overwhelmed and my fucking cursor won't work right, the little fucker.

WhereAreYou?

I've figured out I either write when I'm very angry, or I write when I'm very happy...notice there've been very few blogs lately?  That's because I'm somewhere in the gray area in between. 

So, here I am,  to talk about a few random things.

On my way home from school, I see a church sign.  Normally I roll my eyes at quippy little church sign messages, sometimes I laugh out loud, sometimes I might even say, "whatthefuckever".  But, this particular sign, is to me, the epitomy of a representation of a god.  The sign reads: 

God Loves You Just The Way You Are!

Wow.  That is how it's supposed to be.  Not a bunch of hypocrites standing around at funerals holding up signs saying God Hates You.  What the fuck is wrong with those people?  I mean, really?  I'm not an expert on god or religion.  But, I would think, that if there is a god, any god, whom I am supposed to worship, I certainly will not be worshipping to a god who hates anyone...let alone hold up signs at a soldiers funeral stating so.  I mean come on.  What is wrong with you people?

More?  You want more?

Fine, I've been having naughty fantasies about Walter.  Haha.  So, when I go see him next, I'm sure I'll be blushing.  :)

It's been raining here for EVER.  Gray drizzly rain.  Give me tree rippin' thunder & lighting storm anyday over this blahgraycrap.

I don't have time to clean anymore, and it's bugging the piss out of me.  I mean, on the surface things usually look pretty good...but if I were you I'd stear..or is it steer?...I'd stay away from looking under the couch, or upstairs at my bedroom.  Scary stuff.  And it drains me.  It drains me more to leave it messy, then it does to spend a few hours cleaning.  But I just don't have time.......grrrrrrr.  But, I do like being busy...I just need one day alone with no kids, or animals, or husbands, or clients, or errands, or homework, or phone calls, or...the list could go on forever, right?

So, there.  A small update.  I feel like I'm cheating a little though...because it's a topical update.  A surface update.  It's telling a story, rather than expressing a feeling...I know.  I know.  I know.  But right now all I can focus on is art & perspective & economics (and my instructor-perhaps another blog) and the dirty dishes because the drain to the dishwasher & kitchen sink is broken (again, another blog perhaps). 

I just don't have time.  Time is not on my side at this time.

Lostit.

I've lost it.  And, I don't know when or why, but it's gone.

My MoJo.  Gone.  Vanished.  Poof.

I went from being this cocky confident girl to being...not.  :)  I dunno what happened.  I think it's partly the Two thing.  She's always there in the corners, like a nasty hairy spider just waiting to pounce.  But, there has to be more to the loss of my MoJo.    But what?

I think mostly, I just feel a lil lost.  I'm just here, filling space and time without a purpose or a passion. 

A few weekends ago, I saw a friend.  She is so fucking cozy to me, that it makes me ache.  And it's not an ache like, I want to throw her down and do naughty things, it's an ache to snuggle.  That's all.  Just snuggle.  Be warm and cozy and snuggly.  I miss that.  And, yeah, I get that from Magnum, but it's not the same.  It's not the same as it was before Two, and it's not the same as it is with a woman.  And, this weather...oy.  Makes the need to snuggle a cozy comfortable female body so much worse. 

So, here I am, with no MoJo, and this need for warmth and comfort.  It's crappy irony.  Dammit.