Impossibility.

Here I am again, wishing I wasn't here and wondering if I'll have the courage to do something about it, or if I'll spend another chunk of my life waiting for the right moment...waiting for change...waiting for everything to magically come together.

Once again I'm torn between, maybe it isn't so bad, and whatthefuck are you talking about this isn't how it's supposed to be.  But what if I don't know how it's supposed to be.  Don't I have to consider other's feelings or should I consider my happiness to be the defining factor and if I'm not happy, no one else can truly be happy with me.  So, if I make my self happy, others around me will be happy also?

My marriage is clearly an impossibility.  It isn't getting better, only worse.  We can't communicate...we rarely have a conversation about anything that matters that doesn't end in an argument or a disagreement.  Well, actually we rarely have a conversation about anything that doesn't end badly.

Magnum was doing ok for a while...tolerable almost pleasant.  But he recently made a decision that changed everything...and he is such a dick.  He whole tone and demeanor are different.  I really don't want to have the argument about a divorce with him, because he's such a dick these days.  But it's him being a dick that confirms for me that something has to change.  My life has to change.  Now is as good of a time as any to change things.

I'm not delusional, I know going back to Illinois isn't going to be all happy happy all of the time and my family who I miss so much right now, will piss me off and get on my nerves like mad, but even that can't be as bad as it is here...struggling to be happy, struggling to make others happy, and being virtually alone.

Right at this moment, I think, yes, when he gets home today, I talk to him.  I'll try to gently express to him how unhappy I am.  I'll try to express to him that I love him, but that I am so unhappy here.

But, will I?  Really?